Trying not to be angry with God

[BambiGrk]

I am trying not to be angry with God.

 

My Husband was a very religious man, he had a very personal and close relationship with Jesus. I was always very happy for him, and I know without a doubt that right now he is in Heaven standing beside him. I myself believe in God and would occasionally go to Church with my Gregory to make him happy and to support him.

 

But right now, in this moment, how can I let this feeling go? I know that it is wrong to feel this way, I do. I understand the concept that God has a plan for everyone. I even understand that while I am upset, while I am grieving, this must have been his plan... but I am angry.

 

How can you take my Husband from me 4 days to our one year wedding anniversary? Before the chance to even begin trying for children? He wanted children so badly, more than anything. Ten of them, in fact. Although I told him he was crazy for that. Before our honey moon phase was really even over. It feels so wrong.

 

He wasn't battling a life threating illness, he wasn't sick. Not that we knew of anyways. It was just a normal day. We were just getting ready for work. And next thing you know I'm screaming on the phone with 911 because my Husband is unconscious. I know I'll continue to feel this way at least until I get the autopsy report and they tell me why this has happened, and they said that can take 6-8 weeks... but I don't want to continue to feel this way... I want to let this go. But how? How do I stop being angry that my life as I knew it is over? That the love of my life has just suddenly disappeared with no explanation?

 

I don't want to be angry with God, but how do I stop?

[Mr C]

BambiGrk,

 

I believe God is big enough to understand and handle your anger in this moment. Here is a link to an article that discusses the subject with more authority and grace than I could: https://griefminister.com/2014/09/15/what-if-im-angry-at-god-because-of-a-death/

 

Be gentle with yourself.

 

Mr C

[LostInOhio]

Your story resonates with me.  I lost my 30 year old, pregnant wife just nine months after our wedding.

 

I remember sitting beside her in the pews at our church, holding her as we cried.  She knew she was dying to the incredibly aggressive cancer at work in her body.  Of all days to go to church, it happened to be a Baptism day.

 

The parents sang a song about how Blessed by God they were, while my baby and wife were literally dying beside me.  I cried for the next 24 hours.

 

How can we not be angry at God?

 

 

I remember, once, how I could rationalize evil in the world.  Bad things happen, but not to ME.  God is Good, and He blesses me — I always went to church and thanked God for his many Blessings upon me.  He, the Almighty, the Healer, wouldn’t let such terrible things happen to me and my loved ones.

 

And then it did.

 

For me, my understanding of God has drastically changed.  Because *I* know, beyond any doubt, that my wife, baby and I didn’t deserve what happened.  There is no “reason” this happened — a GOOD God, a GOOD parent, could never justify such suffering for a “greater good.”  That’s just something people tell themselves to justify it when it happens to someone else.

 

So why didn’t he heal her?  For me, the only possibility is that God doesn’t heal anyone in our time.  He doesn’t arbitrarily choose to bless some and curse others.  He doesn’t give one family children, and take mine away.  If He did, if He even chose to save one person, He could no longer possibly be Good in my eyes — and therefore would not be God.

 

And yet I do believe in God.  I love Him.  The only times I ever truly felt his presence is during the many coincidences that led me to my wife.  I felt, beyond any doubt, that God wanted us to be together and that I was supposed to marry my wife.  And because He did, I was able to have the best years (before marriage included) of my life with her.  To make her feel loved and comforted before this unspeakably terrible thing happened.  All I can conclude is that God will not directly interfere with our lives, but is always there listening, trying to help us make the best choices possible in this broken world. 

 

And maybe, just maybe, death isn’t as bad as we think it is, and she’s there waiting on me.  Because THAT is God’s promise — not that he will heal us in this life, but that there is something after this life.

 

 

I spend my evenings at the cemetery, gazing at the plaque that contains both of our names.  It comforts me to know that No Matter What, I know the End: I am going to be placed beside my wife, the greatest person I’ve ever met, forever.  And, if not for God, I would never have existed and gotten to know her in the first place.

 

And that makes me thankful, not angry.

 

 

Don’t misunderstand me, I still cry every day and pray to God I die young too, but this was how I moved away from the anger.

[Nella]

Hugs to you all. I also struggled with my faith after my husband died. I was angry too, but then it appeared God put so many things in place to make sure my two young children and I were not completely destroyed by his death. We are immigrants and he was the only adult family member I had in the US. And so while I ask why he didn't prevent his death, I couldn't also overlook the many ways He helped us. It's all so confusing.

[Portside]

 

And maybe, just maybe, death isn’t as bad as we think it is, and she’s there waiting on me.  Because THAT is God’s promise — not that he will heal us in this life, but that there is something after this life.

 

 

That's it in a nutshell LiO.

 

Very sorry about your loss.

 

Best wishes - Mike

[MR]

Hi BambiGrk,

So sorry for your loss. My wife was also very religious and would fight with me if I say any thing against god. She wanted to die married and God fulfill her wish but at a very young age. I was angry as well at times scared of god. What if he does same to me what will happen to my kids. Everyone will explain you that God has a plan but I can't understand that. Earlier days are very tough so please try to take it easy. Eat as much as you and drink lots of water. Don't think too much just one day or even one moment at a time. Take care of your health. Go to gym if possible. As time passes you anger will come down and you will start having faith in god.

 

Hugs

[linda5]

So sorry for your loss.  I, too, was angry at God ... spitting bullets at Him!  I went to church every Sunday, and then when my husband died suddenly, I didn't miss church.  But I didn't go out of love for God then, it was to show Him what He did to me!  I cried all through the mass!  I wanted God to see me angry, hurt, and know He could have stopped it if He just lifted a finger.  I wanted to show God that I was still showing up for Him, but this is how He treats me?

 

I prayed my brains out that my husband would live.  I could have been Mother Teresa, the way I was praying while the paramedics were working on him.  My prayers came deep within my soul.  God still took the love of my life, but what I did feel was God drawing close to me... trying to comfort me and our daughters.  I was still to angry to let Him in.  I can say it truly was a physical presence I felt from God, and I told Him "No, you did this to me and now you get to watch me suffer!"

 

What I've discovered is that God doesn't promise to intervene in our lives, although sometimes He does.  But He does promise to be there for us through the pain ... in the good and bad days.  Since my husband died, God is more real, more tangible to me.  He has shown me so much, and allowed so many, many signs from my husband.  But why He took him, I'll never understand.

 

I'm 4 1/2 years out, and it still hurts.  Some days are good and some not.  The pain is always just below the surface ... ready to bubble up at any given time.  I'm over my anger at God, but I still don't understand.  Just thankful for all the ways God has shown me hope and joy.  Wishing this for you!