If I don't think, I don't have to face reality

[keeptrying]

I figure if I don't think and avoid all thoughts, I won't have to deal

with the unbearable sadness and pain. I tell myself every day that this isn't real

he is coming home or I just don't think at all and try to avoid all thoughts.

Unfortunately anything that made me happy in the past.. music, memories, things

like that trigger me to break down and cry. The pain is unspeakable. I try to avoid all that also. I am afraid of

reality. I don't want to "feel". I want to just forget everything, forget my

wonderful life I used to have. It hurts, deeply. I am almost 5 months out and

I hope that I can do this forever and that eventually I can erase and train

my mind that this isn't real. Unwillingly memories do pop up and I get stuck telling myself

over and over it isn't real, like a bad dream until I wake up. I want to stay

numb. I am scared of reality. - This is how I am coping...

[Jen]

I have no good advice, but I have many, many (((((HUGS)))))  I am so very sorry.

[swilson]

I'm sorry keeptrying. I've read that the trauma of a loved ones death often goes beyond what's considered normal shock. You may get a type of numbness, deadening or shutting off of emotions. It feels like, "this couldn't be happening to me" and may feel that way for months. Praying for your comfort & peace <><.

[lcoxwell]

I am so very sorry.  I wish words could take the pain away and help you to find some peace, but words are so inadequate at times.  Just know that we are here, and we are listening.  We may not be able to say the right things to ease your pain, but we can understand what you are going through.  ((((Hugs))))

[ATJ]

I figure if I don't think and avoid all thoughts, I won't have to deal

with the unbearable sadness and pain.

 

I don't want to "feel". I want to just forget everything

 

 

(((keeptrying)))

 

I heard your cry of pain and despair. Whatever soothing words I want to offer, probably won't bring you any comfort at this particular moment in time. My husband died nine years ago, and yet I can still clearly remember that I felt almost exactly as you do now.

 

Below is what I wrote at the time, which will at least let you know that others have had similar feelings:

 

 

 

 

"I Want to Forget"

 

I want to forget

What once has been

I want to keep running

As fast and far as I can

 

Never stop, never think

Never let my heart feel

All the pain and the fear

It has stored inside

 

But the shadows from the past

Keep running beside me

Never leave me alone

They always keep pace

 

Just let me keep going

And run ever faster

To somewhere, anywhere

Where I can't remember the past

 

Reach a distant horizon

Where nobody knows me

Where I can make believe

That it is not true

 

Life's no longer real

There's nothing to hold on

It only keeps moving

And turns on its axis

 

But leaves me behind

In my prison of memories

I can't find the key

To set me free

 

As the calendar turns

My heart still wounded and raw

Wants to turn the page

To another chapter

 

Like mercury rising

A fever is building inside me

And like a red, hot flame

It is burning me up

 

I just have to run faster

Faster and ever faster

To leave this behind

Make it all disappear

 

Find a place that has no memory

And does not keep track of time

Where it all stands still

Where I can find peace at last

 

      ~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

A part of the answer lies in your username 'keep trying'. That's all we CAN do, and it also shows that there is at least the tiniest flicker of Hope left in your heart.

 

When my heart says: "Give up,"

Hope whispers: "Try it one more time!"

 

~~ Unknown

 

 

 

 

 

So, I stretch out my hand to you through the ether and say:

"Hold on! Let's keep trying together!" OK?!

 

 

(((HUGS))) to you.

 

 

ATJ