Bubu27 Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 On Sat it was Ken's birthday. I thought I would be better from Sun but I still feel like I was loosing my mind. I always spend my weekends and evenings alone at home but now ( it's the bank holiday weekend here in the UK) I feel like a prisoner in my own home/ life. I have meltdowns every 5mins but not just normal meltdowns, they feel more like panick attacks. Im short of breath, have racing thoughts and nothing brings comfort. I can't concentrate on music/ tv, when I think of my nephew ( that usually brings me comfort) I burst into tears that I will never be a mother, when I think of my parents I burst into tears that one they they will be gone and I will be even more alone that I am now. I'm also phisically exhausted - I have slept for most of today and Saturday which is actually a blessing - when I sleep I am not living this. I'm actually concerned, I haven't felt that anxious/ down for a couple of years and now it feels like I have fallen into the deepest black hole. I'm scared and so fucking sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubu27 Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 And I always felt comfortable at home but now home feels like prison but when I got out I want to be back home and not see people living their happy lives. Vicious circle that I can't escape. Please help and tell me that is normal and that anxiety will go away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trying2breathe Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 Oh Bubu - you're a few years in and although I'm no expert it seems that the anxiety and sadness is extreme. Please consider seeing a professional about how you're feeling. I had very dark days for the first months after my DH died, and heavy grief for a couple of years. But the extreme sadness softened over time. It's scary to hear you post that you're in the deepest black hole and scared. Wish I lived closer. Please please call a therapist, let somebody know how you're feeling. Keep us posted - we care. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubu27 Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 It feels extreme. I was much better, felt safe at home, was looking forward to my evening's and weekends but from Sat I am scared to be on my own and too exhausted to go out. Every hour feels like eternity. And I have nothing to look forward to. Next trip to see my sister in Spain in 3weeks, great but this is not life if I only live to survive from one trip to another. Taking long baths has been the only comfort from the day that Ken died but now I get into the bath and start crying/ feeling super anxious. And then I think, let me get out and have a cigarette to calm down but then the panic comes that I can have a smoke and then still so many hours on my own before I can go to bed and sleep. And even then I will need to wake up in the morning and live this nightmare all over again. I was thinking about going to see my doctor but don't have energy to explain how I feel and I don't want to worry my family, they think I am better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julester3 Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 How about trying to trick your brain by simply changing your perspective of your home? I rearranged the furniture, changed my bed sheets, and decided the different spots I would sit in the kitchen or various other rooms so I didn’t have to stare at the empty places my husband would have been sitting or lounging around. This really helped lessening my anxiety and sad feelings. Since I changed things around, my brain was confused because it knew I was at home but I changed the arrangement of things. It was such a small thing to do and make day to day functioning a little easier. Hugs to you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubu27 Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 I haven't changed anything and I can't do it. I want everything just the was its always been. This awful anxiety comes from within, not sure what has suddenly caused it. And I hope it will go away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wife of Tomasz Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 Hi Bubu, hugs to you. I have not changed much in my home since Tom left this world either (although somehow it feels like a lot of things in our place have changed). Change in our home gives me quite a bit of anxiety, as I feel like the world is erasing him, and I don't want him erased from our home too. I am 3 years and 8 month out. For the longest time I isolated myself. I could not handle most people and just wanted to be alone at home. Strangely after the 3 1/2 year mark, I felt a shift in this feeling. All of a sudden I need people to distract me ( I somehow feel much more tolerance for people now, although they still say stupid things. And I don't feel like I can really connect to anyone.) I guess what Im saying is that I can relate to how you are feeling as I am kind of going through a similar shift in my grief. Its a strange change, but then again nothing on this grief journey is predictable. Hope that the anxiety lessens for you soon, and that there are better days ahead. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubu27 Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 I'm 3yrs and almost 4months and that's exactly how I have been dealing with grief. Been isolating myself and not changing anything (had our flat repainted in December but it didn't feel like a drastic change). Other then this, Ken's clothes remain as they were, his toiletries and toothbrushes, shoes, everything. That keeps me sane and even though I have been struggling since Sat, I will not alter anything. I couldn't. On Sat it was his birthday and apart from my mum and one close friend nobody acknowledged it. Maybe that triggered this awful anxiety Thank you all for responding to me. I didn't want to worry my family but it's good to know that I have you around if I need x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wife of Tomasz Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 I have all of Toms things as they where also. Toothbrush in the toothbrush holder, shoes on the shoe rack. Don't see that changing, ever. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love2fish Posted May 7, 2019 Share Posted May 7, 2019 Please take the advice of seeing your doctor. If you don't think you can explain it to him just print this page. I suffered from anxiety for just a couple months and it was HELL! Mine was caused by sleeping pills that I should not have been taking. Do you take any prescriptions to sleep? I also know the effects of anxiety because DW suffered severely for years. People accused her of malingering but there was something that needed fixing. I wish you the best with this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubu27 Posted May 7, 2019 Author Share Posted May 7, 2019 I don't want to see a doctor as they will surely prescribe some antidepressants and I will not take them. I was on them for 2 yrs and put on 21kgs. Lost half of it now but still feeling like an elephant and HATE it. I have been thinking what might have caused this anxiety and it was a long weekend here so I had 3 days of being stuck in an empty flat. I didn't see anyone, all my entertainment was to go (as I always do ) to the cemetery but on top of that I just came back from a week's long vacation in Spain. It was with my parents and my sister, my brother in law and their son. Upon my return last Tue I was already starting to feel anxious. I often visit either my parents at home or my sister in Spain so I am used to it but this time we went all together to a new place. And I think that caused the anxiety. Subconsciously I was uncomfortable - I should be holidaying with Ken , my sister has a family - something I no longer have or will have. No jealousy there but all this triggered the state I am in right now. That is what I think. And the fact that was the long weekend with everyone enjoying their lives with their loved ones and me locked in an empty flat. Even today as I write this I am feeling more normal - I am at work so in a familiar environment. I hope my diagnosis is right and I will slowly recover but one thing I have learnt is that I am still extremely fragile. I have known this but now I have a proof. And that scare me a little bit because I know that if anything in my life changes suddenly, I will fall apart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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