Missing someone to process stuff with

[hikermom]

It's odd but I feel like I really am, finally, beyond active grieving. Sure it kicks into active sometimes but most days I can get through without being lost in grief. At more than 2.5 years I'm still blindsided by the surreal nature of my life sometimes but we're doing okay.

 

While there are many ways and times that I miss my husband, I find it really hard when I need someone to just process things with. Often it is something with my daughter or my future or the house. But it also includes work. As a supervisor I can't express frustration about a staff person with other people. My family and friends don't know them and don't know the day to day aspects of my work to understand what I'm frustrated about. Only my husband knew and was a safe, confidential place to download.

 

I think this melancholy started this weekend. I've gotten to the point of being comfortable in my house. While my husband can be found around each corner, I've grown used to that metaphorical ghost - I accept his presence and take comfort in it. Those memories and moments are soothing, for the most part. Instead what is hard is when I go someplace he knew and am struck by the fact that he can't share the present with me. He will always be part of the past - he has become static while I and the world are ever-changing. So I can't ever really prepare for a change that will bring into harsh light the fact that he will not experience newness and life and change. Perhaps spring and the promise of newness and life has brought this on or just that fact that DD and I were out and about more than usual this weekend. I had many of those little moments.

 

I'm just really missing my safe space, my constant and confidante today.

[Wheelerswife]

Instead what is hard is when I go someplace he knew and am struck by the fact that he can't share the present with me. He will always be part of the past - he has become static while I and the world are ever-changing. So I can't ever really prepare for a change that will bring into harsh light the fact that he will not experience newness and life and change.

 

Wow, hikermom, I can really relate to this.  There is so much that our very special husbands (and wives) are missing...so many things we'd love the opportunity to share with them, from changes in the world, to our own growth, to the growth of children for those who have them.  It boggles my mind that these great people, who had so much to contribute...have ceased to exist...and long before their time.

 

Hugs!

 

Maureen

[RobFTC]

Hugs, hikermom.  I am butting heads with my most-like-Michelle daughter again this afternoon, and it's so hard that I cannot have her insights and her involvement in it.  I have little doubt that her mini-me would drive her crazy sometimes too, but I am just so far short of understanding what the heck is going on and how to react to it.  If only she (or someone who knew her well) could help me figure out what to do.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Guest TooSoon]

Hugs, HM.  I often feel similarly.  My mother was recently giving me some more unsolicited tough love and I had to point out that no one says good morning to me, no one asks how my day was, no one laughs with me over the funny things my students do, or validates when I've had a crap day.  I've adapted as reality requires and I spend more time in the office now than ever just so that I can have the companionship of my colleagues to fill some of that void. This is not meant to sound like a pity party; just empathy.  I miss it, too. 

 

This weekend it became clear that our cat, Fatteus (so named with good reason), was really sick.  By the end of my teaching today, it was imperative that I make some decisions fast.  I was agonizing over it, as M didn't really clue in that he was as sick as he was (he's not much of a mover and shaker to begin with).  It doesn't debilitate me the way it used to, like when M's school situation was so tough, but boy could I have used someone to help me today figure out what would be best for M and for poor old Fatteus. 

 

I have endless admiration and affection for you, HM.  I remember when.....

 

Hugs to you and your beautiful daughter! 

 

[rifatheroffour]

Exactly...I have to agree that I am not actively grieving Fal's loss at this point.  I find my tears now are usually generated by kid related events (things that I know she is missing out on) and times of frustration about my future.  Of course certain triggers can come and go but they are not constant.  I wake and see her picture and smile and say hello, not burst into tears.

 

The toughest part of my daily life is not having that someone to really care how your day went, or just to give you that hug when the day was tough.  I'm so very grateful to the handful of friends mostly new ones I've met through the board that I can reach out to with texts, emails or phone calls but we all know it's just not the same thing.  There are those truly intimate thoughts that can only be shared with one person in your life and to have had that and now lost it is devastating at certain times. To have a thought about a time or incident in your life together that now only exists in your mind and nowhere else and is not appropriate to share with anyone else is almost suffocating to me.

 

But we must forge on I guess, for me it is because I have children that she loved so dearly and did so much for.  I must honor her existence even if I can no longer share it...

 

 

[SimiRed]

 

I'm just really missing my safe space, my constant and confidante today.

 

This.... I need this so bad it hurts!! I have no rock in my life anymore, I have become the rock to others, but I'm lost looking for someone to listen sometimes.

[kpgct]

I agree. Having no one to process with is tough, be it about something big or just the mundane details of life. I have good friends who always seem ready to listen, and good coworkers, too, who are often a great source of support. I work in a family mental health clinic, so I'm fortunate to have colleagues who are skilled listeners; it's a trauma clinic, so an irreverent sense of humor, thankfully, is a necessary part of the package. 

 

Since becoming a widow 7 years ago, though, I've lost a couple of other really significant relationships, and find myself feeling less willing to develop that kind of intimate connection that really nurtures trust. Probably not a good thing.

 

I think that my reluctance gets amplified by my work. As a clinician, emotionally charged conversations are center stage, and while my piece of the equation is professional, on a daily basis I'm required to be present, mindful, and responsive to the person or people in front of me. And in general, I think that I do a pretty good job of it. But the problem is that therapy is ? as it should be ? a one way street; disclosure flows in just one direction. It?s created for me, I think, a conundrum. I am - as I think my friends would confirm - profoundly trustworthy, I'm  just not terribly trusting. I spend so much time processing other people?s experiences, that I have little energy and enthusiasm for my own. I guess I?m feeling a little bit lopsided.

 

I miss having that one trusted person who ?got me.? I miss being able to just spill without context, to share bits and pieces, often in a wildly strident and emotionally unstable sounding tirade. I?m tired of having to tell the whole story, of having to be rational and coherent in my delivery. I miss having someone who could read me ? correctly ? and knew when to nod, when to poke, and when to offer me open arms and solace. My late husband had an unerring ability to offer just what I needed.  What I miss most, I think, was his ability to find the humor in the most sober of situations. He could take me from a stormy diatribe to laughter in seconds. 

 

I worry that I?m growing too used to parsing my topics, and choosing who to tell what. I?m afraid that I?ll never again have someone with whom I can share the ?whole catastrophe,? and perhaps even more concerning, that I'll stop imagining that it?s something worth trying to find.

 

[Captains wife]

Sigh - I hear you hikermom.....I miss the togetherness a lot too. Please take care, those "missing them" days are hard.

 

On a side note I am happy spring is here but its recently made me sad too....and I wish so much my husband could be here with us to enjoy it and enjoy our (my son and my) growth in this little town and the house we bought together.

[jennybug]

I am beyond active grieving but miss having someone to talk to about our kids (especially as my daughter prepares for high school graduation and going to college).  I miss having him come up from behind and hugging me.  I miss him making me coffee in the morning and us having our morning chats before the kids got up.  There's so much I miss...adult conversation with someone who knows my daily life...and cares enough to talk about it...that's the big one!

[ieh21]

I so totally understand what you're talking about.

 

My business partner will discuss things at length with me and then the next day, come in with extra insight, usually helpful. And it's from hashing things out with her husband the night before. I feel like my creativity for strategy has slowed because a lot of it came from the back and forth I used to have. Plus sometimes, with the kids, with the house, as you say, I get stuck in my loop. I spent hours wondering if I should buy a Casper mattress. Hours. Eventually I had to reach out to an acquaintance who I thought could advise me in e-commerce, the only person I know who might be open to the idea of buying a mattress sight-unseen. I'm sure he thought it was a weird question, why on earth would I call him about a mattress, but it was so helpful to get out of my loop.

 

We find ways, there are solutions, but it's no longer simple.