Trudging along endlessly

[Lisa]

I think that's a big part of this stage. If there's hope it will get better it is like accepting that that life is no more. It is a very tough spot. I had an extremely hard time believing this was what was left of my life. He was suddenly ripped away and I was in utter ruin. And with his kids to deal with no less.my life totalky changed and not for the better. I didn't want goals. I couldn't identify as anything other than a widow. I don't like this life but I no longer hate it. It is what it is. I am going on 6 years. It is a long time. And sadly, it will be a process for the rest of my days. Come back and visit. We will put a smile on your face.

[Mr C]

I do appreciate the encouragement-- I seem like an ingrate, but I'm really not. I'm so tired of existing in hell, but I can't bring myself to believe that there will ever be anything else. It's stupid and irrational, but if someone could just say "You will be miserable for 19 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days, then your life will turn around and it will all be worthwhile," I think I could do it. Of course that's impossible, and so I keep trudging through-- sometimes I can't even do that; I can barely crawl. I feel as though my life-- the one I was meant to have-- is slipping away with every interminable day that passes, and honestly, I resent it. It's not fair-- this isn't what I signed up for, it wasn't supposed to be like this, and I don't want to do it anymore.

 

Jen, It is going to take time. I wish I could tell you how much time. What I believe is that you can't rush it. Here is a meme from Michelle Steinke, the One Fit Widow, that resonates with me because there have been days where I just needed to be grief stricken.