One foot in the past and one running in the future

[messageinabottle]

In November it will be 10 years.  I was pregnant with my 2nd son when he died.  They will now be 10 and 9 years old.  As my oldest was only 5 1/2 mos old when he died.  It is crazy to think that I have made it this far.  Sometimes I look at it saying where did time go?  How the heck did I do this?  And now what?

I feel I have to somewhat keep a foot in the past.  My boys want to know their father more than ever.  Stories, pictures, some of his things.  Anything tangible they can hang on to.  So part of my "foot is there in the past.  Every milestone brings up a "twinge" of it shouldn't be this way.  Who the heck dies so young when you just are starting your family?  Every decision I make on the boys falls on me but sometimes I try to think what he would do to help.  My boys will never experience the physical love of their father being here.  They will never experience what it is like to have another parent love them as much as I do.  So my foot has to remain in the past to bring up memories for them.  And I think honestly part of me will always be there.  That spot where that foot remains is where that life ended. 

So my other foot is on the other side of the line now trying to run into the future, glide, walk and figure out the baby steps. 

Lately that is a very "odd" feeling like being in between 2 universes still at times longing to go back but knowing the other foot must go forward as hard as it is.

It is exhausting raising 2 boys alone with little to no support.  We always find our way to make it all work somehow.  Imperfect as we are my boys are pretty good little human beings despite their mother and maybe because of me at times! 

Just hard to toggle the universe at times.

[Lisa]

It sure is not easy.  Ive been following you as long as Ive been widowed andIi think you are doing great. Good to vent, it is just so sad. Sending a virtual hug

[strongmama]

I can relate. I'm coming up on 3 years myself. I have a 5 year old son - he's a handful! - and this year we passed the weird milestone that he has now officially lived more of his life without his dad than with him. And before this next year is done, I will have been a widow longer than I was a wife. What gets me about this weird, sad math is this feeling of my late husband getting smaller and smaller in our memories, as we move farther away from him in time. My son has no real memories of his dad at all, just the things I tell him and show him. I have a new person in my life and feel so good about being with him, and even though my life is really not "normal" compared to other people's lives, it feels pretty good to me most days, and that is a blessing I'm truly grateful for. But there's no way to move on completely, not while I feel I still need to keep my son's connection to his father alive, even in some small way.

 

 

[canadiangirl]

Thanks for sharing MIAB- I think this will be how I will be in 10 years as well.  It is hard to feel like you are the living archive of someone else's life - it is a heavy responsibility, even if one I still cherish.  I wish he had left more in writing or in video for our child, but he did not want to face things. 

 

I get the feeling of living in two worlds.  I was just thinking this a.m. that it is like living at the place where the present and our world join with some kind of shadow world where he lives in the space where he used to be, if that makes sense.  His absence still takes up space here- perhaps it will be different when I move from the house we shared.

[maddalena]

it's funny that you mention the foot in the past thing. My sons are in their 30's and they still want to hear about THEIR dad too. So i find myself going back... like you do.. and part of me wishing i could forget.. which might ease the pain.

 

[Ants]

It's interesting how I can move forward in my life and then I can look at my son and be brought right back into the past.  Especially with Father's day approaching.  My guy really has very little interest in talking about or remembering his dad much right now.  I bring him up and let him know it is okay to talk about him but he's just not there right now.  I figure it will happen a little later as he hits some milestones. 

 

It feels surreal though moving forward and not being crushed anymore by the weight of constant grief and yet they are always right there with you.