Some Thoughts At Nine Months

[Mac]

Soon it will have been 33 months. Here's a post from when I was at nine months.

 

This past Thursday = 9 months. Things have been going well for me. Certainly still some emotional moments. But most days are very good. Some people have asked me why I think that I am doing as well as I am. I?m not quite sure, but here are a few thoughts about some of the themes or elements of this journey so far.

 

The physical, emotional and mental pain was extreme to say the least during those initial months. For me, the best route was to not drink any alcohol except for maybe just a sip or two of wine. I also decided that I didn?t want to take any drugs to help with my sleep or other issues. When the pain did come, I embraced it and held on tight.

 

The sense of despair was also great during that initial period. Luckily that totally subsided with time. And with that the feeling that ?I have been blessed in the past in so many ways and should have the same expectations about the future.?

 

I do have a strong faith, and that has been very helpful/comforting. It also helps me feel positive about the future.

 

Since Cindy first passed I have spent a lot of time reading letters, her writings, going through photos and videos. Initially, there was much sadness, emotion and sobbing related to this. With time it now usually leads to smiles.

 

Cindy & I were blessed to be friends for 37 years and to be married for 27-1/2 years. I don?t have any big regrets from our marriage. I know that Cindy shared those feelings. We were blessed when it came to that.

 

I?ve been fortunate to have a couple people that have been there for me every step of the way to listen to me as I share what I am feeling and to share my emotions ? very grateful for that. Not always easy for us guys to find that. Our wives seem to be the only people that we have for that.

 

I do find myself setting limits a bit more. Nothing drastic. But making sure that I am taking care of me.

 

I don?t plan on being alone. And I have faith that all will be fine in that department. Cindy and I had discussed this in the past, usually in a joking manner. I do know that she wouldn?t want me to be alone. I do pray/talk to her and ask that she helps me make sure that I meet kind women.

 

I do feel that I have a responsibility to be a good person, to be a good father and to contribute to this world. So I certainly focus on this. Not to say that I haven?t been in the past. But use this as a reminder that I need to be engaged and not withdrawn.

 

[widowat33]

Thank you for posting some of your old posts...

I think that's what I will miss most about the old forum, being able to look back at the older posts that were within my timeframe, it really helped to see others perspectives!

Everytime I read your posts about your Cindy I can feel the love you shared.

[Mac]

Thank you for posting some of your old posts...

I think that's what I will miss most about the old forum, being able to look back at the older posts that were within my timeframe, it really helped to see others perspectives!

Everytime I read your posts about your Cindy I can feel the love you shared.

 

Thank you widowat33. I remember when I first started on this "journey," I was wondering what the timeline would be. Will this intense pain and sorrow ever subside? So many questions. Although everyone's journey is so different, I think that it is so good for those that are earlier on to see that for most people things do get better with time.

 

Cindy and I were blessed. Relatively speaking our life together and our relationship was so easy. We were friends for nearly 10 years before we became a couple and got married. We both shared the belief that family comes first above everything else. We had a commonality of faith and beliefs. So many amazing adventures together. She was always so expressive of her love for me. I hope that she felt the same way about me. Her last words to me before she lost consciousness for the last time: "I always loved you." Sometimes I wonder if she was making a statement that her love for me never wavered. Or, was she telling me that I should have asked her out in college? Or both? She did once say to me in more recent years: "I kind of wished that you would have gotten things started sooner."

[widowat33]

I agree, everyone experiences this journey differently, but for me on my darkest days just reading stories of those further along reassured me that with time I can heal.

"I always loved you" I think that's amazing that she gave you that gift, her last words.

My husband and I were also friends for about four years before we got together, he wanted more but I was content being his friend, I still have a letter that he wrote me after we first met. That friendship blossomed into an everlasting love.

It's nice when it's easy to be with someone, although we had hurdles we always overcame them, communication was so important to both of us. I remember lying in bed wrapped up in his arms thinking "I can't believe this is my life" now I think the same thing, in a totally different context.

I do see consider myself lucky though, he taught me unconditional love, and if I never find that kind of love again that's ok, because at least I had it for 14 years!

Thank you again, for us newer widows it's so helpful to read these posts!