Sometimes it's so hard

[widowat33]

Lately the grief has been hitting hard.

This past week, I can honestly say I haven't accomplished anything at all, nothing. I have been sitting at home waiting for time to pass.

Then tonight, my oldest boy had a rough evening.

It all started when we couldn't find his necklace that holds some of his dad's ashes. We finally found it and he put it in his pocket, then headed out to baseball for his younger brother, while he hung out with some friends at the ball park.

After his shower I started laundry. In a panic he asked if his pants were in the wash, because he thought he forgot to take the necklace out. I dug through the wet laundry trying to find it. It wasn't there. So then I thought what if it fell out of his pocket while he was at the park or playing outside in our yard. Armed with flashlights we head outside in the dark to our yard to look for it. No luck, I'm starting to get upset and a little angry at him for being so careless. We hop into the car to go check at the park, which if it had been there would've been virtually impossible to find, when I look at the little shelf above the glovebox and there was the necklace. Thank goodness. As we head back in to get ready for bed, he breaks down crying, which breaks my heart. So I ask him if he's upset because I got a little upset with him, and he says no. It was because he was worried he lost the necklace for good..

We talked and I told him it was ok now, we found it..but we both know it's not ok, it's not fair. We shouldn't even have this necklace with his dad's ashes, he should be here...I try not to throw these little pity parties, because obviously we aren't the only ones going through this and if nothing else I know life could be much worse, but sometimes I just have to admit that it sucks and it's ok to not be ok all the time.

I commended him on being smart enough to take it out of his pocket before going to the park, but we made a rule. If he's not wearing the necklace than it stays in the little white box it came in. He seemed a little better going to bed, but goddamn it is hard to see them like that, to watch them grieving knowing there's nothing you can do besides support them and let them grieve.

Parenting is hard enough when there are two parents, somedays I don't know if I can do this alone.

[Guest Lost35]

I think, the fact that you were out, in the dark, armed with flashlights and worried for your son when he became upset (and listening with kindness to his response) means you can and are, doing this alone.  And doing well, and as well as you can be. 

 

The fact that you realise your boy had a rough evening, while you are in the midst of grief, says volumes about your ability as a parent.  That says more to me than anything at all, because it means you are able to remain thoughtful and compassionate through the absolute worst of moments. 

 

I hope you all have some moments of peace tomorrow and for the days ahead.  Surely finding that necklace will help in some small way.  Maybe there is a safe place you can keep it, and he can wear it when he needs it most?  It might lift a bit of a burden from his shoulders to feel it is safe, after the evening you had.

 

It is hard.  Harder than anything else.  But you are surviving and helping your children and losing it sometimes but being thoughtful and talking it through when needed, and that is all you can do...

 

Take care.

 

_L.

 

 

[widowat33]

Thank you Lost35. And of course I'm crying as I read your response..

We decided to put the necklace in the box it came in when he is not wearing it, as that is what I have to do with my ring so I don't lose it. We even talked about how I forgot my ring at my parents house (I took it off to do dishes).

I worry about him more than my youngest. My youngest will talk about his feelings more, much more expressive. My oldest is more shut off, he will listen but not talk as much. The counsellor I saw told me I can't force him to go to counselling if he is not ready to go. He knows the offer to go to counselling is always open if he wants to go.

In some ways I'm so amazed at how well they have adjusted to everything. There are just these little incidents that happen every so often, and probably will for many years to come...

Thanks for listening and your thoughtful reply, it helps to know someone is listening/reading!

 

[Guest Lost35]

The fact that you worry about them at all, will be what they need to work through this. 

 

For what it's worth, five people come to mind when I think of people I know who lost parents while they were still children/teenagers;

 

The first was Peter, who approached the whole of his life with a joie de vive I've never seen before or since.  He was kind and thoughtful and mindful of the little things.  He cried at the loss of his Dad as an adult, and would have been the best father because of it.  He also was shut off at the time and took many years to process the loss.  He was nineteen, which I think is an especially difficult age for a boy, somehow...

 

The second is my last employer, who remains a good friend, who is, hands down, one of the best husbands and fathers I know.  He is also thoughtful and kind beyond measure.  I remember him showing up at the door the week after the accident, with a three page, hand-written letter regarding his experience with loss and grief and his encouragement, along with cookies and a coffee voucher (a gesture from work- I always made a big deal out of being treated each day...)

 

The next two are my oldest childhood friends, who lost their mom to cancer very young.  They are wise beyond their years, and kind and loving to their spouses and children and friends.  They were the people who "took me in" when our friends could not...

 

And finally, a colleague of Peter's, who's Dad died before she was born, who gave me the piece of advice I still recite to myself when needed:  "You are only, and will only ever be, that boy's mother (my son wasn't born yet).  It is all you ever have to be and all he will ever need you to be."

 

My only point is,  when I look at it, yes, there is a great deal of pain from the loss, but there is also so much gained in terms of compassion, kindness, mindfulness and the power of love. 

 

Your children will remember the difficult times, as well as the fact that you were there, with your flashlight, ready to help. 

 

-L.

 

 

[Trying]

There is nothing more heartbreaking than seeing our children hurting and we can't fix it.  It sounds like you handled it beautifully and I am so happy that you found the necklace.  My 18 year old was distraught that he lost his fathers sweatshirt, to the point of hysterical tears on Mothers Day.  It turns out he left it when visiting a friend at college and it showed up,in the mail.  Many more tears when the package arrived. 

 

No, your son should not even have to have a necklace with his Dad's ashes.  He should have his Dad.  But what he does have is a wonderful mom, who despite her own grief, puts him first.

[Sugarbell]

(((((hugs)))))

 

I echo what others have said...You are an amazing Momma!

 

It's tough...it's not fair...but you are doing great being there for your son.

[widowat33]

Thanks ladies!

Much better day today.

I let him sleep in then drove him to school and stayed for their track and field events at the school. He was smiling and happy today.

Lost35- I worry about how this loss affects them, it's so true though isn't it? Through loss there can be other things gained. We are definitely closer than we were before and appreciate each other so much more. It's nice to hear of those in similar situations..losing a parent..who turned out well. Gives me hope!

Trying- I'm happy your son also got back the sweater. It's amazing the importance of these objects that prior to all this might not have that much meaning.

Sugarbell- I love reading your stories about your kids, they sound amazing!

I know when I post here, someone will get it, or at least help me look at it from a different perspective!

((Hugs))