Moving out of our apartment

[CHM1988]

The time has finally come, I'm leaving the apartment where I spent 1.5 years with my amazing boyfriend, who died in a bicycle accident in November 2013. I always knew I'd have to leave, but now I have no choice - last month our landlord let us (I have two roommates) know that he's raising the rent by $600. We live in a trendy Brooklyn neighborhood, what are you gonna do?

 

It's still not sinking in that I have to go. I'm avoiding everything. It took me days to gather the nerve to call the utility companies and cancel services (everything was in my name, unfortunately). I still have so many of his things here, most importantly his massive CD collection, which has been tucked into a closet for most of this time because I can't bear to look at them. I haven't been able to bring myself to pack anything. Tonight his sister, who is like family to me, is going to come by and spend the night, and I'm sending her off with a couple boxes of his clothes and other personal items. This will help in the practical sense, but it's ripping my heart out too.

 

Anyway, I'm a basket case at the moment. I have to leave for work in a few minutes but I've been crying for the last half hour. I have an amazing boyfriend and amazing friends and family, but that doesn't stop me from feeling alone and isolated, at least not right now. I've worked so hard to move forward but now all I can think of his how much I want to snap my fingers and have everything go back to the way it was. I would give anything just to talk to him for one minute, just to even get a glimpse of him and feel the way it did when he was alive for a second.

 

I don't think I have to say that much, you all know what this is like.

[MrsT85]

It's still not sinking in that I have to go. I'm avoiding everything. It took me days to gather the nerve to call the utility companies and cancel services (everything was in my name, unfortunately). I still have so many of his things here, most importantly his massive CD collection, which has been tucked into a closet for most of this time because I can't bear to look at them.

 

....

 

Anyway, I'm a basket case at the moment. I have to leave for work in a few minutes but I've been crying for the last half hour. I have an amazing boyfriend and amazing friends and family, but that doesn't stop me from feeling alone and isolated, at least not right now. I've worked so hard to move forward but now all I can think of his how much I want to snap my fingers and have everything go back to the way it was. I would give anything just to talk to him for one minute, just to even get a glimpse of him and feel the way it did when he was alive for a second.

 

I don't think I have to say that much, you all know what this is like.

 

Holy hell, do I know what that's like.  Especially the part about moving his massive CD collection.  He and I were both media collectors - we have/had just an enormous numbers of books, movies and music on both CDs and vinyl.  And he was so proud and so protective it, as it took years and years to amass. 

 

I remember so many nights when I sobbed alone in my room with his urn, "taking care of all of this was NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE A ONE PERSON JOB!"  I know how much it all meant to him, and I feel such tremendous pressure to take care of it all and love it all the same way he did.  It's what I have left of him - it's the one thing I can still do *for* him. 

 

I've moved three times in the 26 months since he died, the most recent time into an apartment I'm sharing with my new fiance.  It's so odd, having three people's lives packed into one small city apartment (although I'm in Chicago, not NYC).

 

((HUGS)) and good luck.  I know how awful it is...

[lcoxwell]

I am getting ready to face this very situation. In just over a month, I will be moving out of the house that Kenneth and I lived in for most of our married life, where we raised our children, and where we built so many memories. We were lucky to find this house, when we did, and it was just perfect for our family. Since he died, I have left his things mostly untouched, and I am going through so many mixed emotions about having to finally pack up. I, too, want to snap my fingers and have it go back to the way it was, just so I could see him and talk to him, once more.

[southernsoul]

I'm going through this right now, too. I decided I needed a fresh start, where I was not so surrounded by him everywhere I look. I bought a new house that is under construction, so I can really customize it to my taste. But packing up the home we shared & finally having to go through all those parts of "us" is so hard. I open a drawer & am confronted with some item that triggers a memory, and then another, and then another. I'm just about to pass the 18-month mark, but some of this is just still SO hard. Hugs to all of us!

[CHM1988]

Well I did it. Today is day number 3 in the new apartment. It's surreal and I get upset when I wake up and look around the new room and have to remember how I got there. When I was packing everything up I just kept thinking "I shouldn't be doing this." But I did. I know it's an important step and I'm trying to acknowledge that above anything else. Thank you all for your messages of support. As time has gone on since Christopher's death, one thing I've noticed is that I feel more and more isolated, there's just no one who can truly relate to this without having been through it and the kindness and support from everyone at YW since that awful day in November 2013 has been so valuable. Hugs to everyone.

[Trying]

Big hugs to you with this transition.  I'm facing the same thing in a month and while it's necessary and positive in the long run, I'm dreading the emotions that are sure to come.  Surreal is exactly what it is.