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Captains wife

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  1. Captains wife

    Picking up the pieces

    Im so sorry you have had to go through this - there are other members on this Board who have been through similar experiences. Going to a grief counselor is a good start. (Counseling for your kids too would be a good idea). I made a number of changes in my life post widow (to help my well-being and for my son) and I have certainly evolved in a positive way because of it.
  2. Tybec - I too am so sorry your NG is going through this (with his kids) and you too are having to deal with this. It also makes me angry for you - many of us are just trying to do the best we can as single parents and watching (and going through) this divorce action nonsense is so triggering. (I have had to deal with it to, with NG). I do have some sympathy for how hard divorce is for all parties involved, especially with children, but for some reason it also really frustrates me.
  3. Captains wife

    Southern Maine coast -- September or October

    Im definitely going to be up there on Friday - likely early evening. I hope I have other takers but Im also ok taking myself to Mikes Clam Shack. Feeling really stressed out lately and I really need some downtime so I am looking forward to this Bago.! Thanks for initiating it!
  4. Captains wife

    Southern Maine coast -- September or October

    Babysitting - check ! Looks like I am going to make it.
  5. Captains wife

    Southern Maine coast -- September or October

    Will I have anyone there on Friday night with me? Anyone for a late happy hour ? : )
  6. Captains wife

    Healing does happen.

    Beautifully written....I have worked hard to try and be in a better place - and be thankful for what I do have rather than just be focused on my loss and the turmoil that surrounded it. It takes time...but we can get there. Glad to see you have some peace today.
  7. Captains wife

    Is something wrong with me?

    The shock of losing a loved one, especially so young, affects us in many ways. Sometimes I seriously felt like I was losing it and acted in some "weird" ways in the months that followed his sudden death. The worst part of my days were first thing in the morning (I would be dreaming blissfully then wake up and realize all over again what happened) and driving to/from work (read some of my earlier posts about losing it, including when a cop pulled me over). I too was raising a young child on my own...Please exercise lots of self care during this period, take help when you can so you have some time to yourself. Your children will give you strength over the long run. Im so so sorry for you loss....
  8. Captains wife

    Overwhelmed - venting

    I'm glad you vented. That would make me crazy, literally. Get NG fully involved and onboard to make changes. Make a chores chart. Ask NG to pay for a cleaning lady to help if he isn't willing to/cant help out with the house upkeep for some reason. Its important you have some "me" time and be appreciated for all your efforts. These people sound old enough and are capable of taking care of themselves so if you really need space, take it (before you become too resentful) - even a day off to have fun ! Its important.....
  9. Captains wife

    Southern Maine coast -- September or October

    Ok - I had been thinking about going up there for Friday night and Saturday during the day but I can rethink. I don't quite yet have the logisitics pinned down to attend but working on it! I feel like a weekend away to reflect and be somewhere new - no kids, no NG.
  10. Captains wife

    Southern Maine coast -- September or October

    Im plotting now to see if I can make it. I would likely be up there one of two nights (Fri or Sat). Still working on it. Are most attendees going for Fri to Sun?
  11. I feel at this point of our lives, many of us have baggage - whether it be divorce, widowdom etc AND we also deal with tragedy, life struggles in very different ways. Its so interesting to read how we all deal with some of these things differently. In dealing with my husband's death (i.e. a sadiversary or having a trigger day), NG wants to be there and help (and offers this) - but I want to spend time alone with my son and reflect. On his side, he wants me to be actively involved with the son related activities where the mother is also there and I am not ready for that yet. For others of you out there, I am sure the reverse would be true in terms of how you would handle it. I think, as mentioned above, understanding our different love languages is important and having some acceptance for them (with limits of course, and also asking when certain needs aren't being met!). One final thought - I continue to accept that in this stage of my life, my personal relationship is just going to look and be different than it was with prior relationships (when I was younger, no kids) and I am increasingly getting ok with this.
  12. Captains wife

    Thinking of taking a year off work

    I lost my husband suddenly when my son was 9 months old and I thought many times of taking a leave of absence from work- and I wish I had. I was just worried about doing it from a financial standpoint. I did, though, shorten my working hours at the office. If you are able to do it, taking time off with 2 young kids sounds like a really smart idea as you work through the grief. It will also give you a good period of time to bond with your kids and do other things you want to do.
  13. Captains wife

    Southern Maine coast -- September or October

    Is there a bar nearby ? : )
  14. Captains wife

    Southern Maine coast -- September or October

    Let me see what I can do, this sounds awesome - I probably would want to do this trip without my 7 year old. And I love Maine and have other friends up there too. That is also my birthday weekend!
  15. Tybec - No wonder you are frustrated and I'm happy to read you are taking a break. I imagine with the upcoming court custody date that he is treading carefully with his relationship with you (and I'm sure his lawyer has advised him to do the same). I bet he is also very pre-occupied with the court date. I have experienced a bit of what you are going through in my Chapter 2 - and it doesn't feel good, especially when we "had it all" with our late spouses. It is wonderful that he's a great father but his kids aren't the only ones in this new relationship - and that's not fair to you or your son. I have sympathy for divorced fathers who are trying to jointly raise their kids, don't get to spend as much time with them as they want and have to deal with difficult exes on top of it - while trying to navigate the needs of a new relationship. But I also get pissed off with it, as we widows bear the brunt of their life decisions. There has to be compromise and support for new partners, and not have the relationship completely revolve around his children and ex. I think gently setting boundaries help but now probably isn't the right time to do that. You guys may also have different needs in the relationship so maybe that is worth some exploring? Wishing you all the best - this isn't easy territory.

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