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Captains wife





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  • Date Widowed
    May 16, 2012

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  1. Captains wife

    New loss, old pain

    Im so sorry Trying ! That loss must be very triggering as well.....I'm not really religious but it comforts me (and my son) to think about heaven or an afterlife and that's where our loved ones are, and meeting everyone else there.
  2. First of all I'm sorry you had to join us on here as a young widower. It cannot be easy trying to raise 2 teenage girls on your own but it does sound like you are doing a wonderful job. And there will be a lot of bumps in the road - after such a massive loss for all of you. Getting outside support and support groups for your girls is a smart path to take. It will help that they have another grief outlet with other teenagers who have been through such a tragic loss as well as the support from professionals. My son was only a baby when his Dad suddenly died so my circumstances are different - interestingly, a grief therapist for kids (that I consulted) told me that grief is more severe when children lose a parent later in their life; for kids that lose a parent before they have an established memory have a more prolonged sense of grief and a different degree of grief. A few things that I have learned as a mother trying to raise a young boy - I learned I am never going to be able to replace what a father figure might have done but I do get actively involved as I can in his activities (e.g. Scouts) and that has been a real bonding experience and I have really stepped up to find activities to do with him so we can have fun together. I have helped foster a good relationship between my son and my ex-in laws so my son is very close to my brother in law. Having a male to hang out with and bond with has been helpful for him. I don't let my son use his Dad's death as an excuse for bad behavior - even if he gets upset with me. I do think its important to parent and not just parent on emotions. I also let my son see if I am very sad about missing his Dad and I encourage him in return to talk openly about his grief and his feelings. I also remind him constantly that despite our significant loss we have a lot to be thankful for and I try to put my grief in check sometimes to focus on the positive for him. Wishing you all the best,
  3. Captains wife

    Last name change

    I actually kept my last name when I got married BUT my son got my husband's last name....I want him to keep it but I am trying to convince my son it would be a good idea to hyphenate his Dad's last name with my last name. But right now (as a young boy) he just wants to keep his Dad's last name so I am going to keep that course for now (and try and bring this up again when he is older).
  4. Captains wife

    Going back to work

    My work only had a 3 day grief leave!!! But my boss stepped up and said to take longer as I needed and I could work from home as I needed. I went back to work after 2 weeks as I found focusing on something else besides obsession about my husband's sudden death (and I was obsessing) helped. I too needed the pay to keep up with the mortgage etc. I was very lucky too to have my mum temporarily move in and help with my baby son (at the time). I am in a research job, however, and I did find that even weeks after I went back, I would break down and cry at my desk and end up in the bathroom. I was able to juggle because I do a lot of solitude work in research - if I was in a different job of working with the public all day etc., I would have needed a longer leave than 2 weeks. As long as you can afford it, I would take some well deserved time off (to grieve, sort out stuff) and go back to your job (or a new job) after several weeks. I think grief leave needs to change (like you said, more in line with maternity leave) !!
  5. Captains wife

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Virgo - I read your earlier post and good for you for breaking off something that didn't feel right to you. Better than hanging on too long to something that isn't work. That takes real insight and courage. Wishing you all the best.
  6. Captains wife

    Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?

    PS - I am super proud of myself and my ability to set boundaries (something I have learned over recent years). This past weekend, my son had a few Scouting events and I decided after our drama filled holiday with NG and given his son's recent bad behaviours that I just wanted to do these events with my son alone and then meet up with them for an event on Sunday. My son and I really enjoyed ourselves at these Scouting events, and we met more people and had literally no drama. We then had fun Sunday with NG and his son (for an afternoon). NG tried to make me feel guilty about my decision, was in denial about why I made such a decision (even though I have explained my feelings on the subject) but I didn't let him guilt me into changing our plans. It was a nice bonding experience for my son and I (we even did wood working together for the first time to make the Derby car) and it was so nice not to have NG's divorce drama invade our space for this period. Its not like I intend to do this always but, as he puts him and his son's needs first a lot of the time given the divorce, I felt I wanted to put my son's and my needs first this past weekend. It was super peaceful, bonding and I finished the weekend feeling happy and relaxed.
  7. Very interesting comments! The backburnered comments resonated with me as I feel that way (and the resentment about it is building up....). Tybec - its your life and only you know exactly what is happening (and Im sure we hear more negative comments as we all tend to vent on here) but taking it slow seems to be a great choice. I have taken that road and Im a lot more comfortable that way. I have also had NG dangling marriage in front of me (as he seems to think too that will solve some of these issues we have been having surrounding HIS divorce + he wants us all to spend a lot more time together) but GUESS WHAT, not all woman want to rush into marriage. Tybec - I know its really difficult when you are trying to build a relationship and have a great connection with a person but all the surrounding noise/drama makes proceeding exceptionally difficult.
  8. Captains wife

    A new WIDDA heading your way

    When I first went to YWBB, to be honest I'd post and not get a lot of feedback....it took a while to establish connections and it helped when I got more active on the board. But YWBB and this board have really, really helped me cope as a young widow (and single parent) and I'm so thankful for that. Its been an outlet for me when I felt I had no one in my social circle that understood and I have tried to help others on this board. I have encourage new widows I know to join this board or find a similar outlet. I know some parts of the board aren't as active as they used to be (and I do think there are general, increased concerns about posting private stuff online vs. the past) but I would encourage new widows here. I am almost 9 years out (wow, really) and even though I am dating plus my son and I have moved a far way away from those early, awful days of losing DH, I still utilize this board and connect with people on this Board when I can. I don't always go into the early widows section as, honestly, those early days were so painful but when I am feeling strong I try to post supportive comments.
  9. Captains wife

    I just want to go with the flow

    I have come to realize in my dating encounters since being widowed that recoupling is SUCH a different experience vs. getting married and having children together (the first time around). I also have come to a lot of self realizations since being widowed and, more than ever, I know myself (good and bad) and what I need and what my son needs. After the hurt of being widowed (and all that happened after that), I need to move slowly in relationships and it wouldn't surprise me if a lot of widows/widowers are similar... I am sure part of this holding back reflects the hurt I've been through but I also think I have some doubts about the current blending situation I'm in, given divorce issues on his side that I have trouble dealing with. I wonder, in your case, if you have some doubts that are holding you back from wanting to make such a firm commitment as marriage (and full time co-habituating)? That is such a different stance in a relationship vs. dating, especially with children involved. Maybe there is an inner voice telling you what you need (right now), especially with the responsibility of your boys etc.? Spending time together and living together are VERY different - and maybe you need space from life's chaos and maybe you need space to take care of your boys which is why separate living arrangements work. I soooo get this - my NG is high energy, has a lot of drama in his life (including some current difficult behavior with his son) and there is NO WAY I would co-habitate and put myself in the middle of this right now....I know myself well enough that I couldn't handle all this, on top of my single parenting duties work, stresses of life etc. If I had met NG in my 30s, I would have married him in a heartbeat - but life is different now and there are more than 2 people involved plus we have all been through some pretty difficult life circumstances. I need peace and calm and a non-toxic living space. Maybe you are used to having your own space, you have some concerns about NG's different living style? And that's ok.... At this stage in life, I believe there is no need to rush into the next step of a relationship and its important to recognize your needs and wants right now. Its not easy, I know, especially when you really care about someone and your wants are different. But its clear how committed you are to this relationship and hopefully he recognizes that and realizes there is no rush.....Its better to take your time and make sure this change is the best thing for all involved (including most importantly you) rather than jump into a situation that you have doubts about to make someone else happy. Wishing you all the best....
  10. Captains wife

    Public vs. Private School

    Hi Ben1437 - sorry you had to join us here. (BTW - I'm your "neighbor" over in MA : ). My son was 9 months old when his Dad died suddenly (so he doesn't remember him either) and I understand the void when there are father related events. Luckily most schools are very sensitive to these issues. I have also stepped in as the "father" role at these types of events - including taking on a Den leader role in his Scout troop! And my son has been happy about my involvement. What I have found is that my son (who is now 7) mourns that his life doesn't look like other families and he misses having a father figure but I have raised him for 6+ years so this life with just a mom (and other extended family) is all he knows and he is a very happy child. A child therapist told me when a child loses their parent so young the mourning happens over a longer period of time (but less intense in the short term) as there are many firsts and events where the loss of parent is really felt. What I have found is that certain events (even things I don't think of) will trigger sadness in my son but we talk about it and then he quickly moves on from the sadness. The sadness trigger doesn't last for long and I don't try and shield my son from triggers anymore as I think its ok for him to feel sad (of course he should) and then we move on. Earlier on in my widowdom I tried to shelter my son a lot but over time I saw how resilient kids are in dealing with grief so I moved away from this. I completely understand where you are coming from although I don't think id choose a school based on this one criteria - its best to choose a school that has the best education and services for your daughter (for example, public school or charter school probably have better services but the classroom education and size is likely better at a private school). There could also be options around it (for example, could an uncle go with her?). I can also imagine other families wont have the typical father/daughter at the dance so maybe you could go with other mothers who are filling that role? Its so sad we have to deal with this....and not fair......
  11. Captains wife

    my blended family

    My son was 9mths old when his Dad died - so thank you for sharing !!! And congratulations on your blended family !! Wishing you many years of happiness.
  12. This is a tough one. The problem is when you are in a sticky situation already with NG (given his ex wife issues), you certainly don't need other issues surfacing. Probably feels a bit like a smack in the face. And its worse because he wasn't forthcoming about the communication - although it seems clear it was innocent in nature. I'm not a fan of dating someone who is in touch with exes but it happens and in fact I correspond with very ancient exes from time to time (because of FB mainly). Have I mentioned every time I correspond with them to NG? No, although I have mentioned their names and that we are very loosely in touch once in a while. And any correspondence is very generic and not personal in nature. I agree that the lack of disclosure was a bad decision on his part - given stuff in my past, that would irk me in particular. He should have mentioned it when he got the email but my guess here is your NG has so much on his plate right now in trying to build a wonderful new relationship and deal with an old toxic one that he either didn't think about bringing up the email or felt it easier not to mention. Admittedly, I once got quite agitated (a long while ago) as NG was texting with some woman whose name Id never heard of - again, totally innocent (he showed me the texts) but it was the lack of disclosure up front (especially as he knew about issues Ive had in my past) so I get the irritation here. NG couldn't quite understand my irritation as in his eyes it was nothing. But I personally feel being more open about these types of correspondence is healthier in the long run, as trivial as it may seem to some.
  13. Captains wife


    The loss of my husband was sudden but my son was 9 months old at the time and we had just moved to new town. Didn’t know anyone and my immediate family was very far away. I relate very much to what you wrote- I had anger issues for a long time although finally got to a better place. The “petty” complaints from people used to infuriate me. My coping mechanisms for the anger was to find a therapist, started doing a lot of cardio workouts including kickboxing and tried to keep toxic people out of my space - and venting here. I’m so sorry for your loss...I completely understand and anger is part of the grieving process for many.
  14. Captains wife

    Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

    The initial loss is so painful (mine was a sudden death)....I remember that vividly - and the triggers....I cried in the car a lot driving to work. I also remember I couldn't function well for a while. As Leadfeather said, please take care of yourself, try and get sleep, find a grief counselor and/or support group, vent/post on here. Time will help (Im almost 7 yrs out now)...I promise although it doesn't seem like that in the early days. Wishing you all the best,
  15. Thank you Bunny! Yes- what you wrote resonated. I consider my son’s loss more intense yet he is super empathetic, more respectful and reasonable vs son of divorced parents. I do feel NG’s parenting is clouded by guilt. So interesting as I don’t let grief cloud my parenting. What a weird dichotomy.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    May 16, 2012

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