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Captains wife





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  • Date Widowed
    May 16, 2012

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  1. Captains wife

    Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?

    Thanks for all the helpful posts ! I asked my therapist what was "wrong" with me that I am in a relationship where I am not worried where it is going and in fact I am happy we aren't co-habituating. Does that say something about my relationship? (She thinks I am being smart about it, and practical but certain people in my life think its pretty negative). While I care a lot for this person - I just have different needs, wants and expectations in my 40s. I have been "on my own" for almost 7 years and while my earlier widow years were filled with missing being married, struggling with being a single parent, I got to a place where I like being on my own with my son. And my life is stressful enough that I am at capacity right now and know myself well enough that I know I can't take on a new partner's divorce and child raising stresses. Maybe with the absolute perfect person (the "same kind of roof" person - thanks Mac!) I would feel differently (I wonder that too)....but I also had some struggles with being married (if I'm honest) so maybe being a singleton is what I was meant to be : ) I am eternally thankful I have my son by my side....
  2. Captains wife

    Post marriage financials and other updates

    Thanks for posting the update - I remember when you two were dating : ) Blending is not easy at all but it sounds like you two are working it out, and your post resonates happiness. I wondered about my son losing my LH's SS if I remarried but I was told he would not. I never qualified so I don't get anything.
  3. Captains wife

    "Beyond Active Grieving"... Not really, feeling lost

    I'm almost at 7 years now...where does the time go? I am so thankful for this Board where I have been able to find support, give support and maintain my sanity. I know...the sadness isn't as intense but missing our old lives doesn't go away. The things you said in your post resonated with me. I have to admit I have spent a fair amount of time recently wondering "what if" - what would our lives be like now with our DH? My son - who only knew him for 9 months - talks about him a lot and the potential of him coming back to life. We wanted more kids (and now my son will be an only child forever). I think how my DH would have loved our life in our crazy small town - and he would have been able to manage the social and political aspects of it much better than I am doing. He never cared what anyone thought and was supremely good at dealing with people. I've raised a young boy, climbed the corporate ladder, become a school volunteer, become a Scout leader, been through so much in terms of the school system and my son's development and learned how to sail (and got my son into sailing) plus built up a completely new social life for myself and my son and Ive been out in the dating world (and dating a divorced dad now). Im proud of what we have accomplished but I still think "what if".
  4. Captains wife

    I'm Tired

    I understand....it doesn't seem to stop does it. Some days I honestly just take a time out and I don't deal with anything so I can re-charge my batteries.
  5. Captains wife

    The problem is me.

    First of all, I am very sorry you are feeling so lonely. I sometimes feel the same way although I have resigned myself to the fact that my new relationships will be different and my life wont be like it was when I was married, especially since I am a single mother of a young child. (Admittedly I think its "easier" for me compared to others on this site as my marriage was much shorter, only 3 years before he suddenly passed away). I may find a man that is supportive of my son and I but its never going to be the same as when his father was my son's caregiver. After 7+ years, I have been trying to find a new path in life and open up to new possibilities but its not easy admittedly. After everything I've been through I definitely have my guard up and have trouble connecting - I just feel more comfortable keeping most people at arms length and right now I am ok with that although I hope it will change. But my therapist asked me an interesting question yesterday which I think fits in with your post - do you want to change ? She said we all can adapt if we work at it...... I'm sorry this does suck and maybe you need more time to move forward - and/or some changes in your life eventually? Wishing you all the best,
  6. Captains wife

    Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?

    I spent the weekend with NG and his son and my son. Some comments made by his son over lunch made me more confident I am doing the absolutely right thing in keeping separate households - given the still related divorce issues on NG's side. In a dream world we would all be one happy blended family but I am a realist and know what I can and cant put up with. My son and I have it figured out (6 years after my husband's sudden death) and we are generally happy and have figured out how to move on with our lives in a positive way (even if we are sad sometimes). Given the divorce issues on NG's side - moving in would make for a complicated and drama filled living environment right now. ABL - thank you for your comments, agreed that separate households can sometimes be the best for all.
  7. Captains wife

    New Relationships....Post a Pic

    Just beautiful - congrats!!!
  8. Captains wife

    Today is one month

    I'm so sorry - I remember how tough and heart wrenching the first months were. Please take good care of yourself. I used to "will" myself to see him standing in front of me and think about what I'd say (even a few years out). Talking to him sounds very therapeutic. I'm almost 7 years out now but things have felt better for me over time - I still miss him but the pain of it isn't even close to the early days.
  9. Captains wife

    The Lack of Sympathy

    I have just learned to nod and smile...given I am in a small town and don't want to create rifts. But I loved all these comments - so thank you!
  10. Captains wife

    Off Topic - Collection Agency

    I'm in finance too but I wouldn't talk to them....especially as you know you don't owe anything. And you are not responsible for DH's debt. These types of companies can be real bullies and scammers so consumers need to be vigilant.
  11. Captains wife

    The Lack of Sympathy

    This is just a vent, as a widowed, full-time working parent with no family close by. (My inlaws are an hour away but will only help if I travel to them - and that's not possible when my son is home sick from school - which he is this week). For some reason over recent weeks I have repeatedly encountered comments from married or divorced mothers or fathers - about how busy they are, how they are single parenting (or almost single parenting as the other is working) or "I know what its like to go to school meetings alone as my husband is always working", or how "single" parenting is so so hard. (I have told my divorced boyfriend that I sympathize but PLEASE stop saying this - his ex lives 10 min away and they co-parent plus his parents also live in the same town). I just stepped up to be an assistant Scout leader so my son's den wouldn't fold as the married couples were "too busy right now" to pitch in - I don't even know how I'm going to make this work in my schedule but I will, because Scouts is really good for him. I try not to complain about my plight but I admittedly do sometimes but I also think I maintain a very good "can-do" attitude about it. Ok - I appreciate that life is hard, and parenting is super hard - and most people are very busy with the stresses of life whether you are widowed, divorced, married etc. But for some reason I get super irritated listening to these comments above and cant help but draw comparisons. I work full-time with a long commute, my immediate family is far away, I don't really have a great mother support community where I live (long story) and I manage a household plus mother a child with some developmental issues that needs extra oversight and I volunteer at school and other places to support my son. I just wish people would be more understanding and supportive.....sigh. And please stop saying these aforementioned comments to me...it doesn't help my brain chemistry. Vent over - thank you for listening.
  12. Captains wife

    Will the remembering ever not hurt?

    Its weird - sometimes I smile reflecting on remembering my late husband, my son's Dad....sometime I cry. (I'm over 6 years out). Yesterday my son and I were talking about Dad memories and it was very sad and I also continue to wonder what life would have been like if he was still with us.
  13. Captains wife

    Southern Maine coast -- September or October

    Maureen I appreciated the firefighter in you! Especially since I just stared at the toaster oven, frozen, just expecting the little flame to go out. Then you sprung into action and analyzed the situation (I can see oxygen is getting in here - we need to starve the flame of oxygen)...and the problem solved 😊
  14. Captains wife

    That moment you can't make it better for your kid

    I'm so sorry. It was a good release for your daughter I'm sure - that must have been hard for her to look out into the audience without her Dad there. I tear up at many key events where my son is passing milestones. His father unf. didn't even see him walk or his first birthday. I feel this will continue on throughout our lives. I even felt it at my son's 7th birthday this year : ( And he did too....
  15. Captains wife

    Southern Maine coast -- September or October

    Love2fish - thank you, thank you to you and your lovely NL for the fabulous hospitality. Very much enjoyed this Bago and it was much needed down time but also bonding time. Also, excellent contributions by many attendees with food and drink as well !

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    May 16, 2012

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