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Captains wife

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  • Date Widowed
    May 16, 2012


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  1. Captains wife

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Wow Leadfeather. I love reading great news like your on here !
  2. Captains wife

    Holiday question

    Love Scotch eggs!! Hmm - unf I don't have a recipe but the Food Network has some on their website. Happy your youngest is joining in the festivities !
  3. Captains wife

    Thanks Grieving.........

    I used to love Thanksgiving - since my husband died...not so much. I had a nice enough Thanksgiving in the end but for some reason am feeling sad over this holiday season. It's tiring toughing it out alone sometimes...with my ex inlaws it's like a divorce - they spend time with my son, not me and I feel I am always negotiAting time for them to see my son.
  4. Captains wife

    Being Thankful

    Beautifully written - thank you for sharing. I try hard to be thankful and your words are inspiring. Beautiful pic too !
  5. Captains wife

    Holiday question

    I know its hard for children to accept new partners in their parents lives (and accept new family members) - but your boys are indeed well into adulthood and should be more respectful of what makes you happy. And you deserve to have some fun in your life! If they want to spend Xmas with you and create a better aura in the house, they should get up earlier and spend time with you - and accompany you to your Xmas outing. But it seems they don't want to go with you (even though kindly invited) so I echo other comments on here - go out and enjoy a festive Xmas! You deserve that ! They can stay home and do nothing - and let them order in or cook for themselves.
  6. Captains wife

    An eternity and a blink of the eye

    Kate - I am 6 months ahead of you - lost my husband in May '12 and was on the old Board. I'm so sorry about your friend - I too had a friend just lose her husband (in her 40s and so was he). I told her what a life saver this community is (and has been) and how it has helped me retain my sanity. Congratulations on successfully recoupling/blending - it is something I have wanted and I am still trying to find my way. My son was 9 months old when my husband died, now age 7 and sometimes (like you mentioned) my son is my key reminder of my prior life (and that life seems a long time ago). One thing I really miss still is that my husband and I were a team with the same devotion to our son - and its never going to be the same again for me, even if I recouple (as there are no more children for me in my future - since I had my son in my early 40s). In trying to date divorced men, its so tough blending with other kids/exes etc. Wishing you all the best !
  7. I have been kindly invited to my NG's cousin's Thankgiving with my son (and he and his son will be there too) and I am thankful for that. But part of me just wants to be at home. My son is heading to my inlaws afterwards for a few days (alone) so I get some downtime alone on Fri. I am honestly thankful for that (doing house stuff, taking a tennis lesson, will take myself out for lunch) as I feel like being alone for a while this year. I miss the big fussy Thanksgiving dinners my husband and I would do, sometimes just for ourselves (and our son)....We would get all the good china out and dress up the table and make every dish we loved for Thanksgiving and then just hung out and drank wine in front of the fire and hung out alone (or later with our son after he was born). Im thankful for what we have now but it still feels a little sad at this time of the year just the same.
  8. Hugs to you and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Its amazing what transpires after someone dies/events surrounding their death - there was a fair amount of drama here too. And that's the last thing anyone going through this difficult journey needs. It was the opposite in my household where I did most things including taking care of the financials so it was slightly easier for me - but I was still overwhelmed by trying to single parent and take care of everything (including the "mess" left behind from my husband from his business etc). I feel a lot of anger still (even 7 years on) about everything that transpired but I have also really really tried to refocus my efforts on the positives, and keep those happy memories alive. My husband challenged me to do things I would never normally do (e.g. take 2 years off work and go sailing) and Im thankful for that part of it. Im especially thankful for my loving young son. I hope others in your life are behaving better so you can grieve and not have to deal with the extra drama.
  9. Captains wife

    When to Tell

    I also made it clear up front I was widowed (or it was on my dating profile) as I think its important to weed out potential partners that couldn't take that, deal with single parenting (if that's the case). I started dating about a year after being widowed (prob too soon on hindsight - for me personally). I never talk about my private life to my inlaws although they saw posts on FB (only when I was in "serious" relationship - had about 3 of those since being widowed). The interesting thing is my inlaws honestly don't care I date but my MIL has serious sensitivity about a new man being around her grandson.
  10. Tybec - I seriously feel for you. Trying to blend with NG sounds stressful and he needs to be more understanding of the issues HE is creating in the relationship. I am happy you have your own Thanksgiving plans and they sound great for you and your son. I have some similar issues over Xmas - NG and his ex completely flip flop with their son over the Xmas period (e.g. one has him for Xmas eve, then Xmas morning, then he gets dropped off for Xmas afternoon/night, then goes back to the other parent). Its completely ridiculous ! We are never ever going to be together and away for Xmas - and its irritating. So I am going to just make my own plans with my son and family. Its never going to be the same as when I was married - but Im finally ok with that and happy to be with my son and direct family. I would be seriously pissed off if my NG didn't talk to me all weekend if he had his kids, especially if there were issues to discuss. My NG used to never text me back on days he had his son (or would text back 8 hours after I sent a text) but I started doing the same - and he learned REAL quick that was not ok. (In all fairness, I did talk to him first about it but he didn't change his ways, but then couldn't stand it when I was going silent for hours so he stopped that one).
  11. Captains wife

    Bago - Northeast/New England - Saturday, December 8th

    Maureen - I wish I could attend but have a fundraiser that day and am hosting some guests. I am sorry to miss it - but I too would echo other comments to newbies...These types of connections have really helped me in my single parent widow journey.
  12. Captains wife

    7 years; so short yet so long

    Yes thank you for sharing - and very beautifully written...its amazing what we can all do after such a loss. I understand about trying to date with young kids. I've been trying but its been a real struggle and sometimes I really wonder if it would be best for me to stay single. Ill hit 7 years next year - and having met up with recent widows (my friend was recently widowed) I feel fortunate I am well past heart wrenching first few months and years. Not sure if anyone else feels this way but I still do have these odd moments - where I feel life is very surreal (e.g. I cant believe my son lost his Dad and I feel in a slight daze) and I wonder about my sanity sometimes as I get so emotional (angry and/or sad) and I close myself off from others. I try not to let being a widow define me but it sure has changed me in a lot of ways.
  13. Captains wife

    Dating a widowed man

    Good luck - hope it goes well! I think it depends on so many factors i.e being ready to date at 10-months including things like length of marriage, circumstances of the marriage, just who you meet/match with?! I dated a widower very briefly in his late 40s who had been married 10+ years and his wife passed away after a lengthy illness and he was 6 months out. He had 2 young girls. I was several years out at that point and was quite smitten but I quickly discovered he just wanted to play the field and wasn't looking for a girlfriend - and that became evident quickly. So I left that one behind very quickly. But that was just one guy and there were certain circumstances here - there are plenty of fish in the sea!
  14. Captains wife

    The Guilt from Inlaws

    I am a single mum to a young boy and live about an hour from my ex in-laws. We never had a great relationship (even when I was married) as my MIL can be quite difficult and domineering but I really felt I needed to do the right thing after my husband died suddenly. So I stayed put (even though I was very isolated and my direct family is in Canada) and I try and take my son to visit as much as possible and keep in touch with my mother in law in particular so she can see my son growing up and she feels she is part of his life. Ive asked for her advice on numerous things related to my son. She and my BIL do have a nice relationship with my son and I try to foster that. Because my MIL was ill for a while I needed to drive my son an hour to her house (which meant me driving 2+ hours - there and back - and if it was a Friday evening it was more like 3.5hrs total), then repeat on Sunday. Plus she just prefers being at her house and having my son visit her. I try and accommodate her and the family so he sees them 1-2 times a month (for the weekend) and he will call periodically + we send cards, flowers etc on special occasions. I have also recently tentatively agreed to drive my son 6 hours (one way) so he can attend a wedding on her family side as she wants him there. (I don't like her driving my son on the freeway as she has heart issues + isn't a great driver). I have told her and my brother in law on numerous occasions that since I have a 3 hour commute a day for work that all this driving to her house was wearing on me, and my already jam-packed schedule. I have asked them to be understanding because I am stressed out already with everything on my place. I have asked them meet me half way on occasions (for driving) or told them they are feel free to visit our house (particularly as my MIL is feeling better). Plus I only see my son in the evenings from M-T and I too want to spend some quality time with him plus I am trying to expand his activities and social circle so many weekends are booked up with activities, or play dates. I am dating someone with a young boy close to my son's age and we like to get them together at least once a month (and its a date for us too!) Also, on top of this, a lot of time he is at his grandma's he is on an ipad, watching TV and I really am working on cutting back his screen time. I really feel I am doing the best I can and already feeling tapped out. I get a call last night from her (and I am feeling particularly tapped out recently, just exhausted with everything on my plate) and she asks when my son is coming up. I reply that right now I don't know as I don't have my next several weeks fully planned as I have a few medical things and household things on my plate. I told her that she was welcome to come visit (my BIL could drive her). (My son was actually at her house the weekend before last - from Friday to Sunday). And the reply was - "You don't want me to come to your house". So my reply "When did I say this, you guys are always welcome - we just need to plan in advance". Her reply, "Its a gut feeling I get from you..." I was so upset, I just said - "I'm really offended by what you just said - you are always welcome and I have always told you that" and my son came into the room at that point so I handed the phone over so they could have a catch up. After he hung up - I just cried...I'm really trying my best and feel unsupported and that nothing I've said has meant anything - and that all my actions are not appreciated. My son loves his grandma and his uncle and I want them to maintain a relationship - but I just feel defeated right now. I feel guilty though too that I haven't done enough. Has anyone else dealt with difficult inlaws ? Any advice on how to deal with it? Ive tried talking to them before but its not getting through.
  15. Captains wife

    Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?

    Thanks for all the helpful posts ! I asked my therapist what was "wrong" with me that I am in a relationship where I am not worried where it is going and in fact I am happy we aren't co-habituating. Does that say something about my relationship? (She thinks I am being smart about it, and practical but certain people in my life think its pretty negative). While I care a lot for this person - I just have different needs, wants and expectations in my 40s. I have been "on my own" for almost 7 years and while my earlier widow years were filled with missing being married, struggling with being a single parent, I got to a place where I like being on my own with my son. And my life is stressful enough that I am at capacity right now and know myself well enough that I know I can't take on a new partner's divorce and child raising stresses. Maybe with the absolute perfect person (the "same kind of roof" person - thanks Mac!) I would feel differently (I wonder that too)....but I also had some struggles with being married (if I'm honest) so maybe being a singleton is what I was meant to be : ) I am eternally thankful I have my son by my side....

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    May 16, 2012


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