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Leadfeather

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  • Date Widowed
    11/27/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Christine
  • Date Widowed
    November, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Mitral valve prolaps
  • Spouse's Age
    47


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  1. I do not have any thoughts on how to deal with it just an observation. My late wife's mother and step-mother actually became friends. Her parents got divorced with she was 8 and her father remarried when she was in her late twenties. So there were a few years between those events. Having her mother, step-mother and father all be friends made family holidays and other events much more comfortable for everyone involved. Both in scheduling and in execution. When we first married. I had no experience with divorced parents. She invited both of them to some holiday we were hosting, I remember asking her "won't that be uncomfortable for them?" Her response was, "That is their problem not mine, they divorced each other, not me." Maybe your guy being comfortable with his ex can be seen as a benefit. It helps foster peace in the extended family.
  2. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Nicely. I am dating one woman exclusively and am currently not on any online dating sites. So I have no vents or laughs to share.
  3. Leadfeather

    Healing does happen.

    Posted this on Facebook, thought I would put it here also in the off chance it might help someone. It has been 20 months since Christine’s death. I believe everyone can understand that finding her laying lifeless in the front yard was the worst moment in my life. I returned to work a week later. In those early months The waves of grief and apathy came heavy and fast. Often they would overwhelm me and I would have to retreat to the Author’s room at work to cry. I would sit on the couch and stare at a print of eleven birds on a wire that hung on the far wall. The birds were grouped, in my mind, into pairs. All except for one little bird, third from the right. He was alone. My eyes fixated on that bird while my mind grappled with the complex emotions of having become half of what I once was. I still miss Christine, and I always will. She helped form me into the man i am and i will always be grateful for her love. But I know she has finished this race and is now with Christ. I am still here. Wounds scar over. New relationships are made. Life continues, and a deeper appreciation for what is can be grown in the soil of loss. Today, wanting a few quiet minutes to reflect before continuing book layout I sat on the couch in the authors lounge and stared at the print of the birds. I realized that that single bird, third from the right, no longer feels alone. I know he has the capacity to rebuild his life and find happiness again. And for that healing I am grateful. Take the time today to appreciate all you have been given. Life is a gift even when we hurt.
  4. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    The rest of the story. As I wrote above I have found someone who seems perfect for me. Before her I was dating (A). Go back some pages and you will see all of the turmoil she let into my life as I let my loneliness blind me to a number of red flags. Portside called it back then, it should not have been that hard to have a relationship. And it was not really a relationship. The one time I called it a relationship in a text she was upset and a freaked out. She was content with being friends with bennies. We dated for 5 months. During that time we were not exclusive despite my wishing we were. She eventually suggested that we be just friends. I reluctantly went back to online dating. Weeks past where I did not talk to her, she eventually recontacted me and began texting and calling whenever she felt lonely. She continued to also see other men. In my eyes it became only a friendship. She posted photos of herself with another man on dates on her FB page. Fast forward to this weekend when I posted an image of myself with my new girlfriend (such a strange thing to say at 49) after we had had “yes we are exclusive” discussion. Shortly after that I was out to breakfast with my mother and my phone blew up. (A) texted me a number of statements that I can not repeat verbatim as I have since deleted her messages, but the gist of it was that I had some gaul posting that image of me happy with a new lady without contacting her first and letting her know. That I was as bad as her ex husband and ex boyfriend, and that she never should have trusted me. That I made her cry. I explained that she and I were only friends by her request. I was going to explain that she was the one who chose for us to just be friends and I didn’t contact all of my other friends before posting this relationship on Facebook why should she expect different? Especially when we had not dated for several months and she was seeing other men. Who she had posted about on Facebook without contacting me. She succeeded in creating emotional chaos in my heart that morning and I realized I did not need to let her. So, I gave up on helping her heal Texted goodbye and blocked her on Facebook and on my phone. I wish I could help her find her own happiness but she seems stuck in a misery of her own creation. I do feel bad for cutting her off, but I do not see what else I could have done. I have since learned about the Poor Me syndrome. And looking back can see a lot of red flags I should have noticed before. Bullet dodge. Learn from my mistake. Do not commit to someone more than they are willing to commit to you.
  5. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    And I found a woman worth investing my time in. I broke my rules for her. I agreed to continue to communicate without meeting her in person. She was on Match for all of 3 days, then got overwhelmed, but agreed to write to say in touch. We emailed for several weeks. About 40 long emails back and forth that shared a lot of our inner thoughts. Discussed religion, politics, family, future desires, and our pasts. That turned into a M&G that lasted 4 hours. Then 6 or 7 dates, I have lost track. It is still early in the relationship but we are both sure the other is the one. She met my mother yesterday. I am meeting her parents on Wednesday. In a few weeks I will be going to her daughters house and meeting a lot of her family and friends. We have agreed to be exclusive and not date anyone else. It has made wading through all of the disappointments of online dating worth it.
  6. Leadfeather

    Ashes, black powder, Mariana Trench

    This is the place to let go, be weird. I like the idea of leaving the ashes in the ocean especially if you will be near the water often. The whole of the ocean becomes a memorial to her. I am doing the same thing in Lake Michigan. My late wife loved the Lake and I already think of her when I see it so it just seems appropriate to rent a sail boat and release her ashes to the waters on a hot summer day with the sun bright and high in a cloudless blue sky.
  7. Leadfeather

    Rambling about missing her

    My good friend Lisa came over today and painted the kitchen for me as part of the prep for selling the house. I am grateful to her for doing it. But it is strange to not have a lime green kitchen anymore. It was a choice Christine made years ago that she always liked.It did not match the rest of the house but it was hers and it somehow fit. Last night I removed the paintings she had hung, and the dishes we bought together in Mexico that hung on the walls and saw the little pencil marks she put there before hammering in the nails. Removing all of these things is another step in turning this home of 18 years back into a house. In some strange way coming home today to a neutral color was another reminder that time keeps carrying me farther away from my marriage. I am single now, and the neutral beige kitchen is another reminder of that fact. It brings me back to this quote from CS Lewis. “It is hard to have patience with people who say, ‘There is no death’ or ‘Death doesn’t matter.’ There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn’t matter. I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?" -C.S. Lewis Time for a run. Matthew
  8. Leadfeather

    A widower's doubt

    I am exploring the same thing. Here is what I have come to think, I have no idea if it is right but it works for me. Every love is unique because it is between two unique people. I have had one great love in my life so far. That love was between two unique individuals and because of that it was a unique love never to be duplicated. I am now looking to find a new love. It will be different from the first, not better or worse but different because the two people who grow this new love between them are different. I am a different person than who I was before my wife died. I have grown and changed in so many ways in the last 19 months. And whoever I end up in a relationship with will obviously not be my late wife, because she is no longer here. This it is difficult because not only do I miss her I also miss that unique relationship I had with her. It is something that will never return. I fully expect to build a new love with someone at some point in my future. I am looking forward to being close to someone again. But there is a little part of me that worries it will never be as good. And there is also a little part of me that I know will fell guilty if it is even better than my first love. In some ways that is my greater fear, because I think I now have the capacity to appreciate love more having lost it to death. And the thought of loving someone more deeply than I loved my late wife feels like a betrayal. I know it is not but knowing and feeling are not always related.
  9. Leadfeather

    Sexy Widowed Saturday Night!

    97f here, went for a 30 mile bike ride around noon. Then ate a burger and a beer. Then took an afternoon nap in the AC because riding in that heat is tiring.
  10. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Gotcha. I really only use online dating to get (for lack of a better word) leads. The majority of the women I have been contacting do not respond, of those that do, I will do a few email exchanges with them then ask if they want to meet in person for a drink or a coffee. I really have no interest in emailing or texting back and forth for weeks with someone I have never met. I am happy to do those thing with someone I have met and am dating but before I invest that time I want to meet them in person. At times the lack of responses, ghosting and misrepresentations can get discouraging. I try to keep in the forefront of my mind that when using OLD (its my new acronym for On Line Dating because it gets old really fast) I really only have to meet the right person for me once and all the other failures will be forgotten. The good news is I know it is possible to find the right person because I did it once before and had 25 wonderful years, actually 23 wonderful years there were a few that were only okay. OLD might not be where I find them but it is an arrow in the quiver. Which sounds slightly risqué now that I reread it.
  11. Leadfeather

    The second year seems harder.

    This perfectly sums up what I had been feeling.
  12. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    I wouldn’t say I prefer them. I just see them a helpful tool to help me find a woman worth investing my time in.
  13. Leadfeather

    My Wedding Ring - Where Did It Go?

    I had my ring and Christine's ring merged together into a new ring that I wear on my right hand. I do not wear it all the time but it is very nice to have. Her wedding ring was one of her most prized possessions and I did not want her ring to spend the rest of my life in a box on my dresser.
  14. Leadfeather

    The second year seems harder.

    Thank you. Although I would not wish this on anyone, it helps to know others have gone through this and moved forward.
  15. It has been a year and 7 months since Christine died. The first year was about the survival of me and my sons. Then I was distracted by a short lived relationship. Now I am faced with the desolation of looking toward to a future that stretches out day after day year after year without her. Little things like going to the grocery store or shopping for a new ottoman are occasions to fight back tears as a painful lump forms in the back of my throat. I so want to share with her the excitement we would have together at moving to a new place but I can't because it is just me. Even while typing this I had to take a break and put myself back together not wanting to cry again at work. I know it does get better. I am just tired of waiting.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    11/27/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Christine
  • Date Widowed
    November, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Mitral valve prolaps
  • Spouse's Age
    47


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