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Leadfeather

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  • Date Widowed
    11/27/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Christine
  • Date Widowed
    November, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Mitral valve prolaps
  • Spouse's Age
    47


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  1. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Thank you. Thank you to everyone in this thread who helped me when I decided to reenter dating. Thank you for all the stories of bad dates, it was nice to know I was not the only one experiencing them. Thank you to all of those who gave advice when in my pain I was trying to make something permanent out of a relationship that was never going to be what I wanted. This thread and this community helped me get through all of the bad dates and wrong people that are out there and kept me searching. Six months ago I met someone who has become the one. Someone who loves me for who I am and loves my late wife, because she knows that Christine helped me become the man I am. Someone who shares my values. Someone who has walked her own broken and painful path and finds herself ready to love again. Someone I have fallen in love with. A few weeks ago I bought a ring. In a few more weeks, when we have each had a chance to speak individually with our adult sons and daughters we will officially be engaged. I suppose I should move to that other thread now. Matthew
  2. Leadfeather

    16 Years- One Tough Cookie

    It was a beautiful article. Thank you.
  3. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Comfort was stripped from us when our spouses died. Feeling comfortable again is a wonderful gift. I craved feeling peace and comfort again after the death of Christine.
  4. Leadfeather

    Being Thankful

    Three days after Thanksgiving will be the second anniversary of my wife's death. Much has changed and continues to change in my life. I feel hope again after a long time of having none. Yesterday I posted the following in my facebook feed. I am reposting it here in the hopes it might help someone on this forum as I have been helped so many times when I visit here. -------------------------- Two years ago, this week, Christine and I were hosting our last Thanksgiving celebration together, unaware that that the Sunday afterwards she would die. This is the last holiday of the second year that my family and I will celebrate without her. I miss her. But in those first weeks after her death I made a choice to live a life of gratefulness, not of despair. It is not easy to be grateful when your soul has been ripped and torn by the black talons and red teeth of death, but with God’s grace it is possible. It takes time and I could not have made this post last year. This holiday weekend, the weekend of both Thanksgiving and the anniversary of Christine’s death I will give thanks. I give thanks to God that Christine was in my life. I am thankful that I convinced her to date me for 2 years. (I mean seriously you look at a picture of her at 21 and a picture of me at 21 and I was punching above my weight class.) I am thankful that I got to spend 25 years as her husband. (Ok I am thankful that I got to spend 22 years as her husband, and I am grateful I survived the other 3) I am thankful that she gave birth to two wonderful children. (They are still semi wonderful but age has made them a little less cute and they both need haircuts.) I am thankful that working from home allowed me to spend more time with her than most couples have. (I don’t have anything funny to say about this, it was truly wonderful to have the whole family home almost every day throughout the boy’s grade school years.) I am thankful that we traveled together. (I wish we would have made it to Europe. It was always her dream to visit Greece and Italy.) I am thankful we had the ‘what we wanted for each other if one of us dies’ conversation after the death of my father. (I love you Brendolyn, I know Christine would have liked you very much.) I am thankful she was wise about finances and insisted on life insurance for both of us. (Seriously if you do not have life insurance get it. Having one less thing to worry about while dealing with the crippling grief of her death was a gift that she gave to me.) I am thankful that we weathered the tough times and came out the other side stronger. (See the three years above, they were not three consecutive years, just a bunch of days scattered throughout our time together. But our commitment to being committed to each other brought us through all of them.) I am thankful that we spent that last day together doing everyday domestic things together unaware that it was the last day. I am thankful that memories no longer always bring tears. (There are still tears, but there is joy as well.) I am thankful that she was strong in her faith. (And I pray that everyone else I love with find a faith as strong.) But mostly I am thankful that this is not the end. That death has been overthrown. That she is waiting for me with my father and Christ Jesus; and that there will come a time on some distant shore, when we will meet again. I love her. I miss her. I am thankful. Be thankful.
  5. I often forgot to wear my ring when we were married. She never took hers off and considered it her most prized possession. I took my ring off a month or two after her death and wore both rings on a necklace for a while but didn't really like that. When I started dating about 10 months after her death I put them both away. Eventually I had her ring and mine combined into one which I wear on my right hand. I am still doing that and the woman I am dating has no problem with it. In fact she appreciates the love and commitment I had to my late wife as she knows I will bring the same to our relationship as it continues to grow and develop over time. Just wearing it on the right hand does not keep people from assuming you are married. There are people who wear their wedding rings on the right hand. The Orthodox Church comes to mind. I think no matter what you do, those conversations will still arise, just be honest and tell them your story in as much or as little detail as you want. Do whatever feels right with your ring and roll with it.
  6. Leadfeather

    Are there any normal men on dating sites?

    The good ones (men and women) eventually find someone and drop out of the online game. The players keep playing. There are good ones out there you just have to be willing to meet a lot of wrong ones to find that one that is right for you. The good news is you only have to find one good one because once you find them you can stop looking. To answer your original question. Yes I had luck finding someone online. And yes she made wading through all the wrong ones worth it. As to men, I like to think of myself as a normal man and I was online dating for 9 or 10 months. . .
  7. I do not have any thoughts on how to deal with it just an observation. My late wife's mother and step-mother actually became friends. Her parents got divorced with she was 8 and her father remarried when she was in her late twenties. So there were a few years between those events. Having her mother, step-mother and father all be friends made family holidays and other events much more comfortable for everyone involved. Both in scheduling and in execution. When we first married. I had no experience with divorced parents. She invited both of them to some holiday we were hosting, I remember asking her "won't that be uncomfortable for them?" Her response was, "That is their problem not mine, they divorced each other, not me." Maybe your guy being comfortable with his ex can be seen as a benefit. It helps foster peace in the extended family.
  8. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Nicely. I am dating one woman exclusively and am currently not on any online dating sites. So I have no vents or laughs to share.
  9. Leadfeather

    Healing does happen.

    Posted this on Facebook, thought I would put it here also in the off chance it might help someone. It has been 20 months since Christine’s death. I believe everyone can understand that finding her laying lifeless in the front yard was the worst moment in my life. I returned to work a week later. In those early months The waves of grief and apathy came heavy and fast. Often they would overwhelm me and I would have to retreat to the Author’s room at work to cry. I would sit on the couch and stare at a print of eleven birds on a wire that hung on the far wall. The birds were grouped, in my mind, into pairs. All except for one little bird, third from the right. He was alone. My eyes fixated on that bird while my mind grappled with the complex emotions of having become half of what I once was. I still miss Christine, and I always will. She helped form me into the man i am and i will always be grateful for her love. But I know she has finished this race and is now with Christ. I am still here. Wounds scar over. New relationships are made. Life continues, and a deeper appreciation for what is can be grown in the soil of loss. Today, wanting a few quiet minutes to reflect before continuing book layout I sat on the couch in the authors lounge and stared at the print of the birds. I realized that that single bird, third from the right, no longer feels alone. I know he has the capacity to rebuild his life and find happiness again. And for that healing I am grateful. Take the time today to appreciate all you have been given. Life is a gift even when we hurt.
  10. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    The rest of the story. As I wrote above I have found someone who seems perfect for me. Before her I was dating (A). Go back some pages and you will see all of the turmoil she let into my life as I let my loneliness blind me to a number of red flags. Portside called it back then, it should not have been that hard to have a relationship. And it was not really a relationship. The one time I called it a relationship in a text she was upset and a freaked out. She was content with being friends with bennies. We dated for 5 months. During that time we were not exclusive despite my wishing we were. She eventually suggested that we be just friends. I reluctantly went back to online dating. Weeks past where I did not talk to her, she eventually recontacted me and began texting and calling whenever she felt lonely. She continued to also see other men. In my eyes it became only a friendship. She posted photos of herself with another man on dates on her FB page. Fast forward to this weekend when I posted an image of myself with my new girlfriend (such a strange thing to say at 49) after we had had “yes we are exclusive” discussion. Shortly after that I was out to breakfast with my mother and my phone blew up. (A) texted me a number of statements that I can not repeat verbatim as I have since deleted her messages, but the gist of it was that I had some gaul posting that image of me happy with a new lady without contacting her first and letting her know. That I was as bad as her ex husband and ex boyfriend, and that she never should have trusted me. That I made her cry. I explained that she and I were only friends by her request. I was going to explain that she was the one who chose for us to just be friends and I didn’t contact all of my other friends before posting this relationship on Facebook why should she expect different? Especially when we had not dated for several months and she was seeing other men. Who she had posted about on Facebook without contacting me. She succeeded in creating emotional chaos in my heart that morning and I realized I did not need to let her. So, I gave up on helping her heal Texted goodbye and blocked her on Facebook and on my phone. I wish I could help her find her own happiness but she seems stuck in a misery of her own creation. I do feel bad for cutting her off, but I do not see what else I could have done. I have since learned about the Poor Me syndrome. And looking back can see a lot of red flags I should have noticed before. Bullet dodge. Learn from my mistake. Do not commit to someone more than they are willing to commit to you.
  11. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    And I found a woman worth investing my time in. I broke my rules for her. I agreed to continue to communicate without meeting her in person. She was on Match for all of 3 days, then got overwhelmed, but agreed to write to say in touch. We emailed for several weeks. About 40 long emails back and forth that shared a lot of our inner thoughts. Discussed religion, politics, family, future desires, and our pasts. That turned into a M&G that lasted 4 hours. Then 6 or 7 dates, I have lost track. It is still early in the relationship but we are both sure the other is the one. She met my mother yesterday. I am meeting her parents on Wednesday. In a few weeks I will be going to her daughters house and meeting a lot of her family and friends. We have agreed to be exclusive and not date anyone else. It has made wading through all of the disappointments of online dating worth it.
  12. Leadfeather

    Ashes, black powder, Mariana Trench

    This is the place to let go, be weird. I like the idea of leaving the ashes in the ocean especially if you will be near the water often. The whole of the ocean becomes a memorial to her. I am doing the same thing in Lake Michigan. My late wife loved the Lake and I already think of her when I see it so it just seems appropriate to rent a sail boat and release her ashes to the waters on a hot summer day with the sun bright and high in a cloudless blue sky.
  13. Leadfeather

    Rambling about missing her

    My good friend Lisa came over today and painted the kitchen for me as part of the prep for selling the house. I am grateful to her for doing it. But it is strange to not have a lime green kitchen anymore. It was a choice Christine made years ago that she always liked.It did not match the rest of the house but it was hers and it somehow fit. Last night I removed the paintings she had hung, and the dishes we bought together in Mexico that hung on the walls and saw the little pencil marks she put there before hammering in the nails. Removing all of these things is another step in turning this home of 18 years back into a house. In some strange way coming home today to a neutral color was another reminder that time keeps carrying me farther away from my marriage. I am single now, and the neutral beige kitchen is another reminder of that fact. It brings me back to this quote from CS Lewis. “It is hard to have patience with people who say, ‘There is no death’ or ‘Death doesn’t matter.’ There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn’t matter. I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?" -C.S. Lewis Time for a run. Matthew
  14. Leadfeather

    A widower's doubt

    I am exploring the same thing. Here is what I have come to think, I have no idea if it is right but it works for me. Every love is unique because it is between two unique people. I have had one great love in my life so far. That love was between two unique individuals and because of that it was a unique love never to be duplicated. I am now looking to find a new love. It will be different from the first, not better or worse but different because the two people who grow this new love between them are different. I am a different person than who I was before my wife died. I have grown and changed in so many ways in the last 19 months. And whoever I end up in a relationship with will obviously not be my late wife, because she is no longer here. This it is difficult because not only do I miss her I also miss that unique relationship I had with her. It is something that will never return. I fully expect to build a new love with someone at some point in my future. I am looking forward to being close to someone again. But there is a little part of me that worries it will never be as good. And there is also a little part of me that I know will fell guilty if it is even better than my first love. In some ways that is my greater fear, because I think I now have the capacity to appreciate love more having lost it to death. And the thought of loving someone more deeply than I loved my late wife feels like a betrayal. I know it is not but knowing and feeling are not always related.
  15. Leadfeather

    Sexy Widowed Saturday Night!

    97f here, went for a 30 mile bike ride around noon. Then ate a burger and a beer. Then took an afternoon nap in the AC because riding in that heat is tiring.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    11/27/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Christine
  • Date Widowed
    November, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Mitral valve prolaps
  • Spouse's Age
    47


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