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Leadfeather

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  • Date Widowed
    11/27/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Christine
  • Date Widowed
    November, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Mitral valve prolaps
  • Spouse's Age
    47


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  1. Leadfeather

    Mary Oliver

    I read some of her poems last night and they are really good. Thank you for suggesting her.
  2. Leadfeather

    Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

    I am so sorry you are going through this. When my wife died it hurt worse than anything I had ever experienced before or since. And you are right, it can not be cured. But it can be endured. I don't know if the pain of loss goes away. I do know that you will get stronger and you will be able to carry that pain and you will find a way to rebuild your life. It has been 26 months since my wife died. And life is good again. It is not what it was, and it will never be what I expected my life to be. But it is good. And I can remember her and smile and be grateful for the years we had together. Even typing these sentences brings back a few tears. But I am strong enough to accept them, appreciate the past, and move forward toward a different future. With time, you will find you can do the same. Time does not heal all wounds, but time can make us strong enough to carry those wounds. Be kind to yourself. Take all the time you need to grieve. Know your spouse loved you and you can carry the memories of that love forward into a new life.
  3. Leadfeather

    Sad Loss Of WifeLess

    I am very sorry for your loss.
  4. Leadfeather

    Song's that bring a tear.

    This song gets me. Every. Single. Time. ----------------- The Road Emmylou Harris I can still remember Every song you played Long ago when we were younger And we'd rock the night away How could I see your future then Where you would not grow old With such a fire in our bellies Such a hunger in our souls. I guess I probably loved you When those words rolled off your tongue It seemed that we were travelin' Under some ol' lucky sun I know I couldn't save you And no one was to blame But the road we shared together once Will never be the same Hey, hey gonna fly away Won't be coming round today Hey, hey with a song I pray And on the wings of a song I'll fly away. I wandered in the wilderness For a while I was so lost To everything there is a season And every blessing has it's cost So I took what you left me And put it to some use Went looking for an answer With those three cords and the truth I come down from the mountain I come walkin' in your shoes I was taken for a gambler When I had no more to lose 'Cause you put me on that pathway How could I refuse? And I spend my whole life out here Workin' on the blues So I carried on. You can't be haunted by the past. People come and people go. And nothing ever lasts. But I still think about you Wonder where you are Can you see me from some place Up there among the stars But down here under heaven There never was a chart To guide our way across This crooked highway of the heart And if it's only all about The journey in the end On that road I'm glad I came to know My old friend. Hey Gone away Won't be coming round again Hey With a song I pray And on the wings of a song I'll fly away I'll fly away I'll fly away
  5. Good for you! My first relationship after my wife's death was fine at the beginning but she was not in love with me. It was painful to admit to myself that as much as I wanted it to be something more it never would. Once I opened myself up to that truth. And chose not to settle and accepted the possibility that I might never find another love as strong as the love I had with my first wife. And that I was strong enough to be on my own if that was my future. I became a better dating partner. And because I was a healthier me, and chose not to settle, and kept looking, I found someone who I have fallen deeply in love with and who has fallen deeply in love with me.
  6. Leadfeather

    Two things can be true at once

    This exactly! Thank you for posting this.
  7. Leadfeather

    Holiday question

    I have no advice but know you are not alone. My girlfriends adult daughter has met me three times in the last 6 months and has decided her mom has not spent enough time alone after her divorce. Her second son, also an adult, spent an evening with me and my adult children and then decided not to spend Christmas with his own extended family because I was invited. It is causing her great sorrow. Thankfully my girlfriends extended family all live in town. Her parents, siblings, adult nephews and nieces all really like me. And my large extended family and my late wife’s extended family and my adult sons all really like her. So our hope is over time her kids will see that she and I are committed to each other. They will see we have a strong healthy relationship, and marriage. And that they will come around.
  8. Leadfeather

    Need advice first real relationship

    Mike is right, we know more than many that these lives we have are fragile things. Living them to the fullest is our best option. C.S. Lewis has a wonderful quote about love, and I can not add more to this conversation than he does here. “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
  9. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Thank you. Thank you to everyone in this thread who helped me when I decided to reenter dating. Thank you for all the stories of bad dates, it was nice to know I was not the only one experiencing them. Thank you to all of those who gave advice when in my pain I was trying to make something permanent out of a relationship that was never going to be what I wanted. This thread and this community helped me get through all of the bad dates and wrong people that are out there and kept me searching. Six months ago I met someone who has become the one. Someone who loves me for who I am and loves my late wife, because she knows that Christine helped me become the man I am. Someone who shares my values. Someone who has walked her own broken and painful path and finds herself ready to love again. Someone I have fallen in love with. A few weeks ago I bought a ring. In a few more weeks, when we have each had a chance to speak individually with our adult sons and daughters we will officially be engaged. I suppose I should move to that other thread now. Matthew
  10. Leadfeather

    16 Years- One Tough Cookie

    It was a beautiful article. Thank you.
  11. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Comfort was stripped from us when our spouses died. Feeling comfortable again is a wonderful gift. I craved feeling peace and comfort again after the death of Christine.
  12. Leadfeather

    Being Thankful

    Three days after Thanksgiving will be the second anniversary of my wife's death. Much has changed and continues to change in my life. I feel hope again after a long time of having none. Yesterday I posted the following in my facebook feed. I am reposting it here in the hopes it might help someone on this forum as I have been helped so many times when I visit here. -------------------------- Two years ago, this week, Christine and I were hosting our last Thanksgiving celebration together, unaware that that the Sunday afterwards she would die. This is the last holiday of the second year that my family and I will celebrate without her. I miss her. But in those first weeks after her death I made a choice to live a life of gratefulness, not of despair. It is not easy to be grateful when your soul has been ripped and torn by the black talons and red teeth of death, but with God’s grace it is possible. It takes time and I could not have made this post last year. This holiday weekend, the weekend of both Thanksgiving and the anniversary of Christine’s death I will give thanks. I give thanks to God that Christine was in my life. I am thankful that I convinced her to date me for 2 years. (I mean seriously you look at a picture of her at 21 and a picture of me at 21 and I was punching above my weight class.) I am thankful that I got to spend 25 years as her husband. (Ok I am thankful that I got to spend 22 years as her husband, and I am grateful I survived the other 3) I am thankful that she gave birth to two wonderful children. (They are still semi wonderful but age has made them a little less cute and they both need haircuts.) I am thankful that working from home allowed me to spend more time with her than most couples have. (I don’t have anything funny to say about this, it was truly wonderful to have the whole family home almost every day throughout the boy’s grade school years.) I am thankful that we traveled together. (I wish we would have made it to Europe. It was always her dream to visit Greece and Italy.) I am thankful we had the ‘what we wanted for each other if one of us dies’ conversation after the death of my father. (I love you Brendolyn, I know Christine would have liked you very much.) I am thankful she was wise about finances and insisted on life insurance for both of us. (Seriously if you do not have life insurance get it. Having one less thing to worry about while dealing with the crippling grief of her death was a gift that she gave to me.) I am thankful that we weathered the tough times and came out the other side stronger. (See the three years above, they were not three consecutive years, just a bunch of days scattered throughout our time together. But our commitment to being committed to each other brought us through all of them.) I am thankful that we spent that last day together doing everyday domestic things together unaware that it was the last day. I am thankful that memories no longer always bring tears. (There are still tears, but there is joy as well.) I am thankful that she was strong in her faith. (And I pray that everyone else I love with find a faith as strong.) But mostly I am thankful that this is not the end. That death has been overthrown. That she is waiting for me with my father and Christ Jesus; and that there will come a time on some distant shore, when we will meet again. I love her. I miss her. I am thankful. Be thankful.
  13. I often forgot to wear my ring when we were married. She never took hers off and considered it her most prized possession. I took my ring off a month or two after her death and wore both rings on a necklace for a while but didn't really like that. When I started dating about 10 months after her death I put them both away. Eventually I had her ring and mine combined into one which I wear on my right hand. I am still doing that and the woman I am dating has no problem with it. In fact she appreciates the love and commitment I had to my late wife as she knows I will bring the same to our relationship as it continues to grow and develop over time. Just wearing it on the right hand does not keep people from assuming you are married. There are people who wear their wedding rings on the right hand. The Orthodox Church comes to mind. I think no matter what you do, those conversations will still arise, just be honest and tell them your story in as much or as little detail as you want. Do whatever feels right with your ring and roll with it.
  14. Leadfeather

    Are there any normal men on dating sites?

    The good ones (men and women) eventually find someone and drop out of the online game. The players keep playing. There are good ones out there you just have to be willing to meet a lot of wrong ones to find that one that is right for you. The good news is you only have to find one good one because once you find them you can stop looking. To answer your original question. Yes I had luck finding someone online. And yes she made wading through all the wrong ones worth it. As to men, I like to think of myself as a normal man and I was online dating for 9 or 10 months. . .
  15. I do not have any thoughts on how to deal with it just an observation. My late wife's mother and step-mother actually became friends. Her parents got divorced with she was 8 and her father remarried when she was in her late twenties. So there were a few years between those events. Having her mother, step-mother and father all be friends made family holidays and other events much more comfortable for everyone involved. Both in scheduling and in execution. When we first married. I had no experience with divorced parents. She invited both of them to some holiday we were hosting, I remember asking her "won't that be uncomfortable for them?" Her response was, "That is their problem not mine, they divorced each other, not me." Maybe your guy being comfortable with his ex can be seen as a benefit. It helps foster peace in the extended family.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    11/27/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Christine
  • Date Widowed
    November, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Mitral valve prolaps
  • Spouse's Age
    47


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