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Leadfeather

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Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    11/27/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Christine
  • Date Widowed
    November, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Mitral valve prolaps
  • Spouse's Age
    47


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  1. Leadfeather

    There are worse things than death

    I have no words.
  2. Leadfeather

    First vacation without my husband

    My boys and I went to Gilda’s Club for a while. They had weekly grief sessions, a community meal and then breaking off into groups. A group for teens, one for young adults, one for widows and widowers. It was helpful. Check and see if you have s local chapter.
  3. Thank you for the answers. It truly has been helpful.
  4. I need advice. We have had several spouses die in our family in the last 4 years. My father after a 3 week stay in the hospital. And my wife suddenly and without any warning. So I have some experience dealing with the aftermath of a death of a spouse, both as a supporter of someone suddenly bereft of their life partner and as someone who experienced it himself. My brother-in-law has been quite ill for several years. This week they finally got a definitive diagnosis and it is not good. His life, the life of my sister and their young daughter are severely impacted by his illness both now, and in the shorter time it means he will be here with them. For all intents and purposes she is a single parent to their daughter, the primary caregiver for him, and a full time professional. I can see she is very tired and very emotional and has been for a long time. Is this subform a good place to send her? Should I even bring up the thought of her already visiting a site for widows and widowers? Quite honestly, I think with the deaths of a significant family member every few years in our family I, and other members of my extended family have a bit of "death fatigue" we do not want to look toward a future with another widow in our small family club. Since my wife died I am also much less emotional about others dying, and that is not what she needs. I want to send her here if it might help emotional and practically. But I have no experience with knowing in advance that my spouse will in all likelihood die well before I do. Thanks
  5. Trying, We are experiencing a similar resistance with some of my fiance's adult children. A simple rule of thumb she is applying is that if her children are not willing to allow her to dictate who they are in a relationship with, then they have no right to dictate who she is in a relationship with. I have met her children a few times. I really like them. I hope someday to relationship with them, but at the moment that is not how things are playing out. I have faith that time will make it better. I wish you all the best.
  6. She decided to drop out of the online dating site 3 days after she joined. I convinced her to let me keep emailing her which we did for several weeks. Long daily emails. I am thankful for C.S. Lewis because my quoting him in one of those emails made her decide she wanted to meet in person. That first meeting was very awkward for both of us. She couldn't eat and had a hard time looking me in the eye. While I ate, she had a tea she did not touch. She started opening up about her past--talking about how her husband treated her and the kids. He was a covert narcissist. She didn't used that term then, but I have a brother who is estranged from the family and I recognized the things she was describing and asked if her ex was a narcissist. We went for a walk side by side, I really wanted to hold her hand but could tell that she was not ready. Bought us some chocolate, which she did not eat. Then took her home hoping she would go out with me again as I could see the woman she was under all the hurt. She almost didn't agree on a second date but I am charming, attractive and very very humble.🤣 And a few days later we went for a walk along Lake Michigan, then dinner and a second walk along the pier. It grew from there. It was not always easy early on. But we are both very good an understanding each other and letting each other grieve. Her for the marriage she thought she had that never really was, and me for the marriage and woman I lost to death. I watched her heal and grow back into a strong vibrant woman. She was ground down by the man who was supposed to love and cherish her and I am angry at him for several reasons. Because her hurt her so deeply. Because he hurt her children. And because he had a living wife and casually sacrificed their marriage on the altar of his ego. But yes,persistencee was needed in those early months, so that she could see that I was genuinely who I appeared to be.
  7. Glad you and NG are doing well. Life is going well for me and mine also. I have been blessed with a woman who understands that I can be overjoyed that I have found her and still miss my late wife. She and I are working out the details of our wedding and honeymoon. Going to drive around Ireland for two weeks. We found a house recently, and had to outbid 17 other offers. But I will be breaking my lease and moving there in two weeks with my youngest son who dropped out of college because of failing grades. I am thinking it is depression, and have seen improvement in his emotional state since he moved back home and started taking medication for hyperthyroid, so I am tentatively hopeful he will find his path again. My sons both really like my fiance which is a blessing. Her extended family likes me and my extended family including my in-laws all like her. She came out of a long term abusive marriage, and her 2 of her 3 adult children are not happy she is in a new relationship. It is very painful for her. We are hoping with time they will come around. Excited about the house, excited about the coming marriage, excited about seeing Ireland, excited about several concerts we have lined up this summer. Worried about my youngest and wishing his mother were here, it always seems like she would know what to do better than I do. Hoping my fiance's children will see that joy that she and I bring into each other's lives and take the time to get to know me. Not much choice these days but to chose to live the best damn life I can. So that is what I am going to do. 😀
  8. Both men and women are not mind readers. That is why we have language. Tell them what you want. Let them tell you what they want. Move forward. 😝
  9. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    At a certain point I don't disagree. If I was getting back into the dating game at the place I am at now I can take the knocks and weed out the women who are wrong for me. But in the early days after the loss of my wife I was very raw and naive and I put my trust in several women I should not have, and was used. So I see this advice for those who are learning how to date again.
  10. Going to be marrying an INFJ. I'm an INFP. And Looney Tunes is a national treasure.
  11. You are welcome. Reading your response all the way down to your tagline I have a question you might want to ask yourself as you are decide what you want to do. (Your tagline by the way was very inspirational to me when I first joined this site.) The question is; which would bring you more peace, telling him or not telling him?
  12. Leadfeather

    Momento Mori / Momento Viveri

    I am in no way affiliated with this company, but the other day I was reading something, I can't remember what, and it lead me down an internet rabbit hole that ended with me buying one of these coins to carry with me. I thought I would share it because I found it so interesting. Momento mori is latin for "Remember that you have to die" I don't need to be reminded of that, I think about it every time I think of my late wife, and I think about her everyday. But it is a good reminder. It reminds me to live a life that I will not regret. To live a life that I will be proud of when it comes to an end. Momento viveri is latin for "Remember that you have to live" that is something that is easy to forget when the grief hits hard. It is both a blessing and a curse. Recently I found my second love and because of that I have grappled with the thought that getting remarried means I might have to deal with being widowed again. A point brought home by reading several recent posts on this board. That is why this coin spoke to me so much, by carrying it with me, it I remind myself that I am going to die or someone I love is going to die, but before that happens I want to fully embrace the life I have been given. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07G3KDG41/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
  13. Arneal, my advice, worth what you pay for it is to spit it out. Share how you feel and tell him what you want. "Put forward your desires as if you had a right to them." Then, work forward from there. I can only speak as me, and not for men in general, but if it were me I would very much want to know what you want in the relationship rather than have to guess because you did not express your desires. Open communication grows trust and trust grows love.
  14. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    L2F, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am glad you had the time you had with her, and I am glad you had no regrets. And again, I am so sorry you have lost her.
  15. Leadfeather

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Virgo, this article helped me understand my feelings of love and betrayal, perhaps it will help you. https://secondfirsts.com/2016/03/what-it-means-to-love-again-after-loss/

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    11/27/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Christine
  • Date Widowed
    November, 2016
  • Cause of death
    Mitral valve prolaps
  • Spouse's Age
    47


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