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Tatianakm

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  • Date Widowed
    02/29/2016
  • Cause of death
    Cardiac Arrest


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  1. Flying for business this morning, everywhere around me are the happy vacationing families with small children, so exited to get to their destinations... I keep clenching my jaws in the effort to not to reduce to tears, thinking how my little girl is missing out... I know, total self pity here. Feeling this way took me by surprise, I thought I learned how to not spiral out; it’s been 2 and a half year, wtf! Sitting in the airplane, short of sobbing uncontrollably, hopefully they won’t unload me. Thank you for listening...
  2. I could have written this letter word for word, besides the dating part; just dont think I need anyone to complicate our lives (my daughter is 16 months old and I don't have time for anything else, besides work and her). Not ready, don't think I will ever be ready. Thank you for writng this letter. And hugs to you and your liitle girl.
  3. Tatianakm

    Some words about "Time"

    One person who helped me immensely in my processing of the death of my husband did tell me that it will take TIME, in fact long time for me to feel better. He pointed out that actually the same acronym is used in AA meetings: TIME- Things I Must Earn, and earning for me would be working my way through this journey and earning that relief eventually. So I keep my nose to the ground and plow through the good, the bad and the ugly, truly believing that eventually I will earn my relief. It does get a little easier with TIME.
  4. Tatianakm

    2nd birthday

    My heart goes out to you, truly it does, know all too well how it feels with a very small child and being a solo parent. And still so in love and missing my husband everyday...those milestones and special dates are the hardest to live through. Giant hug to you and your little guy.
  5. Wanted to share my own experience here. I was picking up my daughter from a playdate with a little girl, her first friend. I am so fortunate I met this lovely family, lovely people, a young couple who are just wholesome and very kind to my daughter and I. Well, when I walked in, a little boy, who is 5, the older brother of my A's friend, ran up to me and asked: "...Ms. T, would you like to go up and see my goldfish?" The sheer joy and excitement of having his first aquarium and goldfish were just spilling out of this little boy. This is the first time I felt like my grief is limiting me in providing my daughter with her own "goldfish" experiences. I am so consumed with the basics and focusing on surviving, putting one foot in front of the other, if you will, I am afraid my daughter is missing out on the exposure to all the joyful things this world has to offer. How does one find the right approach here? My daughter is the only source of true joy for me; we do have now more good days than bad, after a little more than a year of my husband's death. How do I make sure I provide all the "goldfish" moments for her? How do I make sure that solo parenting, which I am quite content with, won't rob her of having a happy and robust life ahead?
  6. Tatianakm

    Has anyone seen 'The Shack'?

    I can see why, the book conveys very strongly that God has nothing to do with churches or organized religion in a traditional sense of it. It's only expectant that the traditional churches will have a problem there... But that is a sideline...again, the main message is great- it is about acceptance and forgiveness. After crying through the most of it, at the end it was comforting.
  7. Tatianakm

    Has anyone seen 'The Shack'?

    I haven't seen the movie, but read the book. It was given to me as a coping help during the first months after my husband's death. It's amazing and I recommend it to all who are newly grieving, with the warning that it's not an easy reading. The take away for me wasn't much theological, but I saw it as a great help to come to terms with many "why me" and "not fair" notions that circle very early on. I wonder how the movie compares to the actual book it is based on? I hope it's not a disappointment...
  8. Tatianakm

    Mrs. TooSoon and Mr. Adp

    Congratulations and best wishes! Love your dress, Christine and Andy looks smashing! So very happy for you both! Here is to you and Veuve!
  9. It will happen, you just can't force it. I saw a medium and he acknowledged that my husband tried to visit, but I was so consumed with grief, he couldn't "get in". His advice was to wait until the grieving softens a bit ( was an impossible notion at that time). Most recently I had a particularly shitty day, was so down and in complete despair, my daugher was in her bed, snoozing so sweetly, and I just fell asleep for a split second on the couch in front of another meaningless show, when i felt him bending over the couch, taking my face in his hands and kissing me upside down; he used to do it spontaneously when he was alive. I woke up instantly, smiling. It was awesome and very comforting. So give it time, it will happen.
  10. Tatianakm

    Every milestone, ugly crying....

    Joyful milestones are the most difficult to handle for me too. Tough situations and difficulties I can overcome, but happy occasions while not having him by our side to share always culminate in tears. The whole day of my little girl's first birthday I just clenched my jaw and continued to smile and even laugh, but all i could think about was the evening after when i put her to bed, all guests left and i can be myself again, no pressure to perform. A year since he died is approaching and i realize i am in for a long haul here with my grief. It's exhausting, cant imagine doing this for 5 years! Hugs and solidarity, Tybec, thank you for sharing your experiences.
  11. Solidarity and a huge hug! I am in the exact same boat, tomorrow will be 10 months since he died and we are left completely on our own, just me and my almost 11 months old girl. This Christmas wasn't totally horrible, as I deliberately surrounded us with totally different experiences that in the past. First I felt like I needed to decorate the tree, to keep things as he would want them, managed to buy a tree, put it up, decorate with lights and garland, then just couldn't bring myself to put up the ornaments- we used to buy a special ornament on every trip and vacation we took together; almost 20 years of memories was more than I could handle... I didn't buy any gifts for my girl, as like you have mentioned she is too young to really understand it yet. So this stupid tree really looked silly without ornaments or any gifts around it. And this dangerous thought of how very different this would be if only...all we talked about was how different our Christmas will be with the baby, looking forward to opening gifts and spoiling her...So I opted to leave for Christmas to spend time with friends, packed us up and didn't come back until it was all over. So while we feel lonely we are not alone, there is a very small comfort in the thought that there is someone else out there is putting one foot in front of the other in the almost identical situation, surviving and making the most of it, one day at a time. So, solidarity and a giant hug to you and your daughter.
  12. 9 months out today, was lurking behind the scenes for a while now, every time I felt like writing, I have reconsidered right away. And this is how it seems to be in life generally now- can't find any connections that feel worth while my effort to establish or maintain. People around have been amazing, from my in-laws to complete strangers, who wanted to comfort, make me feel less lonely, included. I do appreciate the effort and attention, even try to push myself to reciprocate, keep reminding myself that perhaps new people in my life are meant to be there, meant to offer new experiences. Some days I want to be there, but the minute I am out, I cant wait to plop back on the floor in my living room- complete mess filled with my little girl's toys and just roll round with her all day long, in PJ, and not be bothered with the outside world. I am becoming a recluse, realize that I shouldn't, for the sake of my daughter...I know, I am rambling some nonsense... I am grateful that this first November without him is almost over: our birthdays are in November, Thanksgiving- big family Holiday...what's my family now? I seem to drift indifferently from day to day... I survived, what is next? First time ever I am not looking forward to Christmas, and at the same time know that I have to put the effort in to make it special for my little girl. She deserves to have a life filled with joy and fun- I put on the daily show for her, for my friends, old and new, for my workplace, people who rely on me to perform; in reality I would love just to get slushed and cry myself to sleep. What is your experience? Did you "fake it till you make it"? When did you reconnect with life? Any advice here? Or, really just thank you for listening.
  13. Tatianakm

    I'm 30 and just widowed

    I am so sorry for your loss, Frank. Reading through your post brought all those hospital memories right back. My circumstances were different, my husband suffered a sudden cardiac arrest and already was brought in unresponsive, but I remember vividly wanting to find any signs of life, kissing his hands- the hands that caressed me, were already lifeless and wax-like, but his body was still warm and so dear and familiar...reading through your post made those memories vivid again. I am a little ahead of you, i started this journey on February 29th, at times it all seems a blur, at times it becomes very raw and unbearable. It is very normal to think about your future life and dating, there is even a term for it- " plugging holes". This void is so enormous, it is natural the people who were in a long term relationship are seeking to "plug that hole". Take your time, don't look into the future just yet, cry when you need to, talk about her if you feel like it- true friends will not mind, but will support. And one advice i got from this forum was to set my expectations very low at this point- just one day at a time. When it gets unbearable I go to the cemetery and will have a talk and a cry, and it helps to spill the emotions out. And read...through anything you find helpful, post here, we get it.
  14. Tatianakm

    Not so Much a Dream But a Feeling

    In the very beginning i wanted to dream about him so badly, but I only had one dream, about 3d or 4th day after his death, he was standing in our kitchen, it was a bright sunny morning, and he smiled and said " common, babe, where is my vitamins, you know I have to be on point with it, if you really want me to be on this health kick..."- i used to lay out his vitamins for him. And I replied- babe, you won't believe what happend to us, i think you died! He smiled and i woke up. I saw a medium and he acknowledged this dream, pretty much word for word. He also said that my husband tried to "get in" but i am so consumed with grief that he can't. In time when my grief had softened a bit, i do have dreams with him, very brief and so lovely, most recently, we were sitting on a bench, it was night, i was laying with my head in his lap and we were stargazing, and i couldn't tell whether it was tears, rain or shooting stars, but it was very comforting. Every dream with him is comforting. I could go on like this forever, if only we "live" in my dreams. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I always thank him for this treat.
  15. Tatianakm

    Dear Michelle

    Your love for Michelle shines through, Rob. I am sure your sweet Michelle is watching over you and your lovely girls; you probably notice it too in those subtle signs they send us from where the margaritas flow freely :-) It must be an allergy epidemic.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    02/29/2016
  • Cause of death
    Cardiac Arrest


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