Fear of Forgetting

[Monique]

It's been 5 months since Sam died, and I think about him every day, but I've also gotten on with my life in many ways. I'm working, I can have a normal conversation, I can make it through most days just fine. And that bothers me. I don't want to be okay. I'm terrified I'm going to forget him. He was the love of my life, my soulmate, and I don't want him to ever just be a footnote in my life or some long-ago memory. I don't want to ever stop thinking about him or doing things for him. How do I continue to keep his memory alive as time goes on?

[Mac_Encheeze]

Write down random memories in the notes on your phone. It's what I do. Some are a paragraph. Most are just a quick blurb. Enough to jog my memory.

[trying2breathe]

Monique  I journaled in a notebook in the early days, not only memories of him but thoughts on the grief process.  I'm now at almost 4 years, and sometimes still write in this journal and go back and re-read what I wrote in those early days.  It's been a big help for me.

[KrypticKat]

Writing it down does help. I used to keep lists of favorite memories. You will never forget your soulmate. Love like that follows you forever. The moving forward and feeling guilty is something I can relate to and we all deal with it different. It's like we feel guilty we continue to live life and experience things and they don't.

 

But for me I take comfort in that my husband would be sad if I gave up on life. Loving life was why he loved me. So I choose to move forward with him in my heart and live to show him why he loved me in the first place.

 

It's not easy. I wish I could give you a hug right now. Wrap yourself in all the wonderful things your husband brought to your life. Thinking of you. KK

[Mizpah]

From 6+ years out: There are things I may have forgotten.  But there is so much I never will.  The day-to-day does increasingly take over.  But I shared your anxiety - I didn't want to feel better and I did not want to forget.  I compulsively wrote.  Every memory I could think of, every mannerism, every word habit, every inside joke, every story, every piece of information about him and us.  I carried a little journal with me everywhere I went so I would always be able to write down anything that crossed my mind so I didn't lose it.  I eventually stopped.  I had something like 10 journals filled.  But still, it is elusive: I knew even then that all the most important things couldn't be encapsulated in words, that things like what it felt like to be in a room with him, a shared glance, the way he moved, the feel or scent of his skin, etc., etc. - could never be retained.  And it killed me, for a very long time.  A couple weeks ago, I was doing something mundane, though, and out of nowhere, for absolutely no discernable reason, I had a flash of a memory - totally commonplace, us getting ready to leave the apartment to go grab bagels or breakfast or something, me walking into the living room, him looking around like he'd forgotten to grab something that was nearby, embracing, looking up at him, that amazed feeling, his astonishing beauty.  I was transported for the most fleeting second.  I *felt* the memory.  Part of the loss *is* a loss of memory - I used to say that the passage of time was like waves or wind blotting out his footprints in the sand.  It's part of what we mourn.  But you won't lose ALL of it. 

[Debedubu]

When things start to fade or get blurry. I reach for our photo albums and relive the parts of our lives we got to share.  Sometimes I ask hi, questions about what comes next.  Usually o get an answer in my own voice, n my own mind, but t something he would totally sat.

[Lmsmdm]

You will never forget what matters.....how he made you feel.

[Julester3]

I have an electronic file I work on when I feel like it and add little stories and memories. I also have been collecting pictures and bits to scrapbook when I feel ready to do so for my husband. There is no wrong way or right way, just what will work for you. Hugs!

[MR]

I have her pics on my phone, computer and everywhere else. Infact her pic is my phone screen saver.

[Guest TooSoon]

Monique, I am not sure I can put this into words that will make sense, but I'm going to try.  A huge part of my identity was wrapped up in my husband.  I was not ok for a long time and am sometimes not ok now four and a half years later and remarried.  In my experience, the horrible things (he was terribly sick for two years) faded away and only the things that make me smile remain.  He lives mainly in my heart now.  Write your thoughts down if you can.  I wish I had done that but I was so exhausted and raw from caregiving that I couldn't.

 

I guess I just want to say that somewhere along your line you will find a place for him.  You won't forget.  You will carry with you all of the things that are important to you forever.  But it takes time.  Be kind to yourself.  xx