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KrypticKat

The first one out the gate

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I'm not sure what I'm seeking with this post. Maybe I'm looking for advice. Or maybe I just need to rant. Maybe I'm hoping somebody will tell me I'm normal. This is the first relationship I've had since my husband passed away and I swear I'm losing some marbles. Every step we take makes me nervous. I catch myself comparing him to my late husband. I recognize that this new guy is maybe missing qualities I need for a serious long-term relationship. And I feel guilty just wanting to date and not be lonely once in awhile. I have a hard time going back to being casual about things when I was used to being in such a serious committed relationship with my marriage. I miss how easy things were with my husband. This relationship isn't easy. It comes with overthinking. It comes with worry and sometimes insecurity that I hate and it's just not me. Maybe this guy isn't good for me even though he's a lovely person. Or maybe I'm still working out the Kinks. Maybe I need to get over the fact I need this to get over the Kinks.

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You could be reading my mind!  I feel exactly the same way - I know he's not Mr. Right, so why am I doing this?  (probably because I know where my Mr. Right is.....)  I'm hesitant and afraid and doubting.....  and so insecure!  

 

I think you're really REALLY normal....  If I were too give advice, I'd say go slow.....  

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I dated a woman in the winter who was quite nice, we went on 3 dates with lots of texting/facetiming daily in between.  We had a 3 hour drive to see each other.  I knew she wasn't Mrs. Right after date #2, but we had already booked a wine and food event, so went on date #3.  I debated how I felt about seeing someone while knowing it wasn't a long term fit.  In the end, it didn't feel right to me or fair to her to continue seeing each other, as she had fallen more for me than I had for her.  The physical connection is great when you haven't had that in a while, but I kept things from going too far so as not to make a break up more hurtful.

I guess my questions for you KrypticKat would be, "Does he think this is just casual dating, or does he want to be in a serious relationship?", and are you happy with that arrangement if he is?  If you are both content with having someone to go on dates with, with knowing it may not end up as a long term thing, then no one is getting hurt in my opinion.  

In my case, it didn't feel right to continue and progress physically too, because I knew she wanted more than casual dating and I knew she wasn't the right person for me. Hope this is somewhat helpful?

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I hope I can offer this suggestion to all three of you. 

 

If you find that you are comparing all the time, then know deep in your hearts you are NOT ready for dating!

That is not fair to the person you are dating or to yourself.

 

This person you are seeing is NEVER going to be able to measure up or fill those empty shoes! There is nobody that can! Sorry.

 

When you go out with someone, and you find that you are having a good time with that person and you find the things about them enduring, and the comparing has stopped, :) then go forward and have a great time and life. But right now you are not being fair to these people or yourself.

 

Sorry everyone, I know the loneliness sucks.....

Edited by sudnlysngl
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I have to agree with SS. When I started dating, I knew that to expect another man to live up to my LH was impossible. I would fail at dating if I had kept to such an expectation. My NG initially worried about it and I had to assure him, I was attracted to  him for his own merits and personality. My LH is gone and I have to move forward. All I know is he would want me to find someone who can love me for me and respect me, period. In reflection, I could imagine my LH honestly liking NG as a person. 

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I agree whole heartedly with Sudnlysngl as well.  I had those same feelings when I started to date again.  So I took it off the table and took more time to grieve.  After several months I tried again.  Nope.  Still wasn't ready.  And I did this a few more times until I was ready.  And when I was ready, I knew it.  Trying to date, recouple, all of it is hard after loss.  But for me personally, I needed to heal more than I realized before I was ready to really be with someone.  I knew it wasn't fair to them if they wanted more than I was able to give.  Good luck to you all.

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I started dating 14 months after my husband died out of pure loneliness. I thought I wouldn't have much trouble re-coupling ha ha - but was I wrong! And the lonely, needing to recouple feeling (since I missed my LH) created some bad emotional swings for me when I was dating as well as some poor judgement - watch out for handsome men from Newport lol! I would recommend taking your time and not staying in something if you are unhappy....I think its inevitable we do some comparisons to our spouses but it shouldn't drive the dating choices you make. Honestly, even after 6 years I think I am still in healing mode (given my "complicated grief") so I am proceeding very slowly....

Edited by Captains wife
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Thank you for all of your thoughts. I agree that no one will ever replace my husband. And when I first started getting back out dating I caught myself doing it way too much and had to take a break. When I met this new guy I found I wasn't really doing that as much yet they're just the little flash moments. When this guy would do something that would remind me of my husband. Like a reflex almost. It definitely hasn't been driving my decision making. The only connection to my husband that is driving my decisions is my understanding of what healthy relationships and connections feel like. But I don't want the relationship I had with my husband. Those shoes are already filled. 

 

I actually just ended the relationship tonight with the new guy. part of me didn't want to let go of it because he's a wonderful person and in a lot of ways I've had fun with him and gotten a great deal out of it. but considering the short time we've been together there was just too much stress. At first I thought maybe it was me just working through my issues and dealing with some difficult anniversary dates but upon further reflection I realized it was because my needs aren't being met. That while this guy is a wonderful person there are genuine issues with us as a couple that likely can't be resolved. When we started out and it was more casual this wasn't an issue. But as people have said above it's not fair to stay when it gets more serious and you know the longevity just isn't there. 

 

So I'm spending the night eating ice cream sandwiches and watching Netflix. I think I can be happy on my own. I was before. and maybe I'll get back out there eventually. But Everyone's entitled to some ice cream after a breakup.

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Yes, everyone is entitled to some ice cream after a breakup.  My problem is that I feel I'm entitled to ice cream simply because it might be a Tuesday!  Healing thoughts and hugs to you.

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10 hours ago, KrypticKat said:

At first I thought maybe it was me just working through my issues and dealing with some difficult anniversary dates but upon further reflection I realized it was because my needs aren't being met.

 

I tend to shy away from bright-line rules and absolute "if...then"s (here: if you're comparing, you're not ready for dating).  I think it's unnatural to never compare relationships.  We only know what we know, and what we know best is our own relationships, and so we do compare - our past relationships help illuminate what we do and do not want.  I tend to compare my present negatively to my positive past relationship(s) or to DH when things aren't going well in my current life.  So for me, and I know everyone is different, it hasn't indicated that I'm not ready, but that there's something about my present that is making me unhappy, etc.  It doesn't surprise me that the conclusion you arrived at is that this situation wasn't what you want.  When I'm doing well and happy with how things are going, I look back fondly on what I had less, not because it was less good or I love DH less, but because I'm in the present and the present is good, too.  When things are going well in my relationship, the goodness is similar in feeling to what I had with DH - not because the men are the same, but because I had harmony and fulfillment with him, and harmony and fulfillment feel good - between any two people.  Comparisons aren't always terrible.  

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