Jump to content

Young Widow Forum

Register to view blogs.

RyanAmysMom

The problem is me.

Recommended Posts

Ugh... seriously frustrated and confused. 

 

I have been dating my guy for almost 6 months now - I keep wondering why things aren't different....better.....more....

I have a new boss at work since August....  I keep wondering why things just don't feel right.....

 

And then today it hit me....  I can't. 

I can't trust. 

I can't open up. 

I can't get vulnerable. 

I just can't.  

Can't?  or Won't?  

 

Am I so scarred from my loss that I can't develop relationships?  Am I broken?  Am I jaded?  

 

I want so desperately to connect to someone the way I used to connect with DH....  

 

I am surrounded by people who want to be in my life, and I just can't.......  And I feel so lonely. 

 

This sucks. 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

First of all, I am very sorry you are feeling so lonely. I sometimes feel the same way although I have resigned myself to the fact that my new relationships will be different and my life wont be like it was when I was married, especially since I am a single mother of a young child. (Admittedly I think its "easier" for me compared to others on this site as my marriage was much shorter, only 3 years before he suddenly passed away). I may find a man that is supportive of my son and I but its never going to be the same as when his father was my son's caregiver. After 7+ years, I have been trying to find a new path in life and open up to new possibilities but its not easy admittedly. After everything I've been through I definitely have my guard up and have trouble connecting - I just feel more comfortable keeping most people at arms length and right now I am ok with that although I hope it will change. But my therapist asked me an interesting question yesterday which I think fits in with your post - do you want to change ? She said we all can adapt if we work at it...... I'm sorry this does suck and maybe you need more time to move forward - and/or some changes in your life eventually? Wishing you all the best,  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

I hear you. It's hard after all the stuff we've been through. I did let someone come into my life after 4.5 years. I "thought" I did everything the "right" way by taking time to date for over a year, setting my boundaries, not settling, etc. etc., and I still got royally burnt.

 

So just like anything else, there is no guarantee but we will never have a good outcome either if we don't take the chances!

 

RAM, maybe you might just need to take some time to figure out where your at, and what it is that you want. Then go from there. Don't let others influence you either, really think about YOU and YOUR wants. Good luck....

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
17 hours ago, RyanAmysMom said:

I can't trust. 

I can't open up. 

I can't get vulnerable. 

I just can't.  

Can't?  or Won't?  

 

At a certain level I continue to deal with all of this in my relationship, RAM.   A year and half with NG, and I'm nowhere near the point of having the same kind of trusting, loving relationship that I had with DH.  Is it the trauma of being widowed, or something else?  Is it that DH was my one true love and there's nobody else?  Being aware of the vulnerability issues was a big step for me, and slowly I'm working through the belief that I can again have a full and loving relationship.  I'm fortunate that NG is patient, we've talked lots about this and he's okay to work through these things with me.  As for friendships and socializing with others, I have reached out to get a new group going and this seems to be okay.  I think that anything is possible, are you comfortable talking through some of this with your guy?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
10 hours ago, Captains wife said:

 - do you want to change ? 

 

That's just it - I didn't realize that I needed to!  I thought that I was "in a relationship" and "functioning at work"  (and probably in other relationships, too) and just finally realized I'm not satisfied with those things because of ME!  

 

So... admitting there's a problem is the first step, right? 

 

Yes, I do want to change - I want that intimacy, ease, comfort, trust that I used to enjoy in relationships.....  

 

One step at a time.....  

 

And Trying:  No, he's not the type that will talk about it much - I'm sure I could tell him that I've realized this about myself, and he'll acknowledge it, (probably agree) and move on.   Not that he's uncaring - He's just pretty black and white - either you're in or you're out - The one time we had a "disagreement" his response was very simple - are you committed or not?  That's all that matters - if you're committed, it'll work out.  If you're not, it'll continue to be a problem.  He's just not one to emote or react emotionally....  

 

And his lack of intense emotion about stuff has allowed me to function on that plane, too......  

 

So...... yeah. Time to get uncomfortable, I guess.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post

It's not bad to get uncomfortable, it's a time to better understand yourself, grow and move forward.  Things sometimes get worse before they get better.  Kind of like grief waves, this is where you are right now, acknowledge it, move forward one step at a time.  Sometimes we take a few steps back too.  It will be interesting to see how you feel a few weeks, a month from now.  Hang in there, RAM, I get it.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

I think we naturally crave to find what is familiar feeling to us but we simply can't get there. We are different and we can never be the same because we've been changed from our experiences. You are going to have to try to tweak yourself to find a new comfortable level and figure out a new level of contentment. It sucks but we are forever changed. As in chemistry, the inputs are now different so the formula which used to give us a predicted result has been changed. We can find that result again someday but we have to work on the different inputs to find the right combo that will work. Hugs to you. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

RAM,

 

One thing about

On 10/10/2018 at 9:22 PM, RyanAmysMom said:

Am I so scarred from my loss that I can't

 

What helped me deal with uncertainties like this is when I reminded myself that the worst thing I can imagine has already happened and I dealt with it. If you can deal with the worst, everything else should be easier. Not easy - but easier.

 

This gave me the confidence to tackle whatever came my way.

 

Mike

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.