Tonight I just do not want to be a parent.

[Guest TooSoon]

And it is ok to feel that way.  Non-widowed parents feel that way all the time without guilt.  So, no guilt.  Just not having it tonight. 

[RobFTC]

Last night, I was there.  Hugs, @TooSoon.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Justin]

Absolutely. Some days, it feels as if it is all you can do to take care of yourself - much less someone else. The fatigue gets to me, sometimes.

[widowat33]

((TooSoon))

No guilt. Sometimes it is not easy. Sometimes we feel the pressure to be both mom and dad, or I do anyways. I am realizing I can't be both, I can only be me, love and support them, but I don't always have to like my role.

[Guest Lost35]

I think the best way through those days is to do what you have done...let go of the guilt.  It is the only way to cope some days and it is easier to get back to normal when we don't waste time and energy berating ourselves.  When not given the option of leaving the house in the hands of the other parent, being honest about how hard it is, is often the best way to cope!

 

-L.

[ATJ]

(((TooSoon)))

 

Often I feel quite depressed and short-changed because I don't have any children. I always wanted to have a 'little girl", who would now be a "grown girl". But then I read about the struggles of parents like You, and I realize that NOTHING, however much desired, is perfect. I bet that my own mother, whose only child I was at a very late stage in her life, at times was probably ready to put me up for adoption. ;D

 

Although right now I would LOVE to color Easter eggs with my imaginary daughter - messy fingers and all.  -  Instead I used to do it every year for my husband and made an Easter basket for him and had a little Easter lamb cake for him. I guess he benefited from my motherless state.

 

I hope that things have calmed down in your house and that you can both look forward to chasing the Easter Bunny together.

 

 

 

 

 

ATJ 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

ATJ, 

 

I have a recently retired colleague who never had a child.  Though we were and are once again close, she never forgave me for having one myself.  She held it against me for so long and said horrible things to me about being a bad feminist and other such things.  When Scott got sick and died, she became my most ardent supporter and became fiercely protective of us. I understood it was very complicated for her.  I get it.

 

I've never made it a secret on ywbb that I was always conflicted about having had a child in the first place; it does not bother me if others judge me for that.  I didn't think I had the fortitude to do it well, let alone alone.  Of course I do not regret anything but I am the rare voice willing to be honest that the lot I'm in right now as a solo parent might just be the worst scenario I ever could have imagined.  I am not naturally maternal and I have spent a lot of time not enjoying raising this child.  I'm super-hyper-over-analytical about everything and inherently insecure which is a curse for the solo mother of a challenging child.  But we get what we get. 

 

Your comments about Easter make me feel guilty!  I've done nothing.  No eggs, as of yet no basket (but of course I can claim its not really Easter as I was raised Orthodox and our Easter is next weekend though I believe none of it and also believe the last thing my child needs is chocolate.....) and for her days off she's just been shuttled around from grandparent to grandparent as I do not have these days off and it is crunch time at work and there's not one thing I can do to change it.  I think solo parenting comes down to a lot of just identifying what really matters and focusing on that and letting the rest go.  It all seems a little antiseptic but to make it work day to day, I see no other way.

 

I appreciate what you're saying.  You can come dye eggs at my house anytime because it is most unlikely that I will be doing it!  xoxo

 

 

 

 

[ATJ]

Ohh, TooSoon,

 

The very LAST thing I wanted to do was making you feel guilty! It's very easy for ME to have this imaginary "dream child" and think that she would have added so much to my life. It's quite another story actually living it, while doing it all alone, in addition to a very challenging career with high demands. I do have a nurturing nature, but that does not necessarily mean that I would automatically have made a "good mother". There are so many things I could have messed up, even with the best intentions, and perhaps have raised a little monster, OR she might have sent me to the loony bin. ;D

 

You know the famous saying about the grass always being greener. But since I do not have any family at all, I have such a strong need to somehow belong, to be a small part of a "WE", and also to have a physical reminder of my husband.

 

Since I still would like to believe in the Easter Bunny, I hope that it will surprise you and drop off some colorful delights because you ARE a good mother, even if you don't follow "the norm", whatever that means anyway. I think your daughter is fortunate to have you as a mother and role model. You teach her that a woman can do all kinds of things in her own right. You certainly make an interesting mother. And I'm sure that your daughter's independent spirit, confidence and determination is "the apple falling off the tree". And by the way, I heard that the Easter Bunny actually is selling colored eggs in the true entrepreneurial spirit.

 

I hope that things will ease up for you on all fronts. You deserve it!!

 

ATJ 

 

P.S. I can't even type straight at this late hour while you are still up and going!

 

[imissdow]

There are lots of times I wished for no kids and I know my kids have also wished for different parents. I never planned on having kids and here I am with 3. According to my middle DD doing such a poor job of it that she "has" to make the Easter baskets and go with me to get the"right" candy and such. She also planned the menu and invited people over. I will however be require to do all the cooking. I allow her to think she is in charge, she knows this. 

Right now I would like a nap , a sappy movie and some quiet. However none of that will be even possible until spring break is over. Only 4 more days to go.

[Guest TooSoon]

Ahhh, yes.  Then there was M's famous quote when I said, "I am the parent.  I am in charge."  and she said, "Let's be honest here, Mommy.  I am at least half in charge."  I get it, imissdow; I so get it. 

[Guest Mel4072]

Girls are especially challenging. At least my experience is that my daughter has been more challenging. They are much more dramatic, driven, secretive, manipulative and demanding. I knew when my daughter was born and I met her personailty that I was going to have a hard time. I think the same thought at times. It gets tough, she doesn't appreciate and I would like to give up. (Or at least pretend to be doing it without the challenge of a teen.)

She tries to micromanage my life, my home, my career, my dating. As if a 16 yr old knows better than a 42 yr old.

She has brought me some great joy. I'm sure it will continue. Challenge and joy. I feel Ya TooSoon.

[Virgo]

We all need a break. Some time to ourselves. Even our children do.

[Carey]

Good to read this and know I'm not alone.  I get depressed wondering why I didn't get handed the traditional amount of maternal-ness. I feel more like a buddy and roommate to my kids; for all that they listen to me.  We get along well enough but I just don't have that drive like a lot of parents do and I feel like I've short-changed them.