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So....  If you've entered into a new relationship, how long were you together before you said the "L" word?  

 

And who said it first?  You or your new person? 

 

And did it feel at all like a betrayal of your spouse? 

 

 

I'm in a relationship that I feel could head this direction, and I'm excited and terrified at the same time...... 

I don't feel yet that I can say those three words.... 

 

Please share your thoughts... experiences......

 

Thanks

 

Jen

 

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Glad you introduced this topic Jen.  I've been dating someone for almost 3 months now who I really like.  I've felt those feelings for her but am hesitant to use the words, as they can't be taken back and I'm not 100% sure she's ready to say them back.  I think she feels the same way.  We live about an hour's drive apart and we only see each other about 2-3 days each month, as my daughter is 15 so it's hard to leave her to visit my new girlfriend, and we both have our work schedules to deal with.  I wondered if I was feeling this with another lady I was seeing about 18 months ago, then she called things off out of the blue, so I'm a bit more gun shy this time around.  I know we haven't spent a tonne of time physically together and it takes time to truly know someone.  Life is a whole lot more complicated in my 40's than it was in my 20's, that's for sure.  I'm holding back on saying the words for now, even though there have been times I've wanted to.

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My NG told me at approximately 8 weeks into our relationship, from our first face to face.  I didn't say it back. I was not ready.  I didn't think he could love me at such a short time, either.  I told him I could not say it back yet.  He managed it.  

My LH and I were kids, 14, and 17 yrs. old. He told me within a month. So, I don't know how all that works. All these stories about saying the "L" word, being afraid, holding back.  I never had that happen.  Too soon for me, actually.  But I am apparently more logical than than I ever thought I was. 

I studied the "5 Love Languages" in a bible study. It shares information about forming relationships. I know, maybe too technical and not romantic, but I believe if we taught kids more about the relationship development, the euphoria that is there from  anywhere from the beginning to up to 18 months, we would not have so many awful break ups and jumping the gun on things.  Most people are living together now or married within in the first 3 years, and then the reality is all setting in, and the things you loved about that person, you can't stand.  I truly have  a different perspective.  My husband and I dated 7 years before marriage, but that was because we were kids. But we dated longer than many marriages last now. 😲 Maybe not helpful to you.....

When I did tell NG I loved him, I also told him I was "wife material". I am not a player.  Not my make up.

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Oh Betrayal issues.  Since I waited 4 yrs. to date, I worked out those betrayal thoughts/feelings.  I knew if I wanted to date, I needed to be passed that. It took me a while. But, I still hold things sacred.  And I don't say a lot of anything negative regarding LH out of respect and love for him.  This is very different than NG with an EX wife.  I know LH was not perfect, but I am not about pointing out his faults to NG.  That feels like a betrayal, and it is not necessary.  

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I said it first. It was about 8 months into the relationship. I know NG has issues because of his divorce. I don’t feel like I betrayed LH because my brain knows he can’t come back but I do know he’s always with me. Love for me is not a set amount. It grows so I know I am capable of giving love where I choose. NG earned my love his own way just as LH earned my love so many years ago in his.

 

NG felt bad he couldn’t return the words instantly but I assured him it was okay. His own drama and hesitancy was from his failed marriage and from his own mother leaving his dad. His dad raised NG and his sister. I know NG needs consistency and stability and I can provide that infinitely. I’m patient and he was able to return the sentiments to me a few weeks after I did. All is well. 

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I met my guy online through another widow support group in Nov. 2017.  He was living across the country so it started as a long distance flirtation.  We first met in person mid-April 2018 (then two weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend).  Since it was long distance, we didn't physically see each other that much, although we saw each other almost every day through Facetime.  I traveled out to see him in July and I was the one to say I love you first just before I was to fly back home...he was surprised that I said it but he said it right back.  He moved here in October.  As we are both widows,  we have discussed finding love again.  We both actually believe that our relationship is not just us, but a foursome (us and our passed persons) -- no betrayals, rather a felling that we have the approval of our respective loved ones.  Perhaps that made it easier to say those words to each other--we both loved and lost and found love again.

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I told my NG first about 4 months into our relationship.  I have always been a strong believer of saying what you feel and telling someone how special they are to you with no set amount of time.  I did though sort of felt like I was betraying my LH because I was feeling guilty about how happy my days were beginning to be.  But I also know that my LH would want me to be happy and I believe in my heart that he is happy for me too.

We (NG and I) have been together for about 1 year and a half now and I tell him everyday how much I love him. 

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AND....... It happened.  He said it first.  I cried and cried.....  and then I said it back.  

 

It felt so awkward and strange and new and scary and great and awful...... all at the same time. 

 

 

 

 

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Nine months.  It wasn't especially romantic.  I jokingly asked when he was going to post on Facebook that he was 'in a relationship.' He said, "Isn't it enough that I love you?"

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