serpico

Trying - I really enjoyed your thoughts, as I am also dating a divorcee.  I especially like that you admit there are many things you don't get.  I am fully open to the possibility that being divorced could sometimes be worse than being widowed, depending on the circumstances.  There is no need for us widows to compare or try to one-up divorcees as to who has it worse.  I'd say both are pretty horrible.

I would find it extremely weird if a date DIDN'T ask about my kids, assuming they know I have them. I guess I don't see what there is to be guarded about...

^^^ No matter how it turns out, I think that conversation has to happen.  Good luck.

Hugs. Just hugs. Big squishy ones.

^^^ There are other considerations than unemployment, though. Getting another job will likely be easier if you can honestly tell an interviewer that you resigned instead of were fired from your last job.

I don't like hearing that 'everything happens for a reason', but I also think the writer significantly overstates his point, as in...

And then he utters the words. The words that are responsible for nothing less than emotional, spiritual and psychological violence:

 

Everything happens for a reason. That this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow.

 

That's the kind of bullshit that destroys lives.

'Violence'? 'Destroys lives'?  Gimme a break.

There is a huge difference between someone offering a silly platitude and someone trying to do 'emotional violence' to someone or to 'destroy' someone's life.  For the writer to give mere words that much power is, to me, to suggest that we as widows just can't handle hearing things that might upset us...that those words do 'violence' to us and may 'destroy' our lives.

Again, I don't advocate the phrase 'everything happens for a reason' and would never use it myself, but to get as worked up about it as this guy does isn't helping us widows.

I just poured my beer over ice because I couldn't wait for it to cool down in the refridgerator.....or even the freezer

 

 

Edited to add: I've only go through about half a dozen beer a month  so not really showing alcoholic tendancies.....just felt like I was a tad impatient for my friday beer this week!

Next time roll the can in ice water. Works like a charm!

Lots of good unemployment information here: http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/unemployment-benefits-contesting-employees-claim-30348.html

It certainly sounds like your son would receive unemployment absent any serious misconduct.

The obvious answer is that my kids need more time and as a mom, they come first.

This stuck out to me, as I've been struggling with it as well.  After thinking about it a long time, I'm not sure that my kids really should come first.  I know that was my prevailing thought when I became a widower, but I also know that my serious girlfriend who will likely be my wife within a year or so deserves a greater part of my time as my partner in life.

How will unemployment work out if he quits versus being fired?  I was terminated 3 years, 8 months, and 19 days ago (not bitter, lol) without any sort of notice or previous write-ups and even at the termination meeting I wasn't given a reason.  Anywho, they told me that if I resigned immediately they wouldn't fight me getting unemployment benefits but if they termed me they reserved the right to fight it.

I ended up letting them term me because a resignation (with severance) would have had some non-compete strings involved, and I got a new (and better) job within a month, but had I been worried about another job I would have thought long and hard about taking the severance and then unemployment.

On the bright side, this will likely turn out for the best for him, but I know that's not an easy thing to hear when you are going through it.

Just don't turn out like this guy...

Great discourse here, and thanks to everyone who has responded.

Well, how would you feel? It's a valid question. Also, it's not the same question as "how would you feel about seeing pictures of her kids and ex-husband around the house?"

Oh, it's totally a valid question.  Given that her husband wasn't/isn't a pleasant person and she initiated the divorce, a) the likelihood of her having his picture around is nil, and b) because of those circumstances, I wouldn't feel threatened because she has no feelings for him at all.

But that's the difference...my wife was here one day and gone the next, so it's true that if she hadn't died I wouldn't be with my girlfriend.  So I totally can get how seeing a bunch of pictures - especially those of just my wife and I embracing, for instance - would be a constant reminder to my girlfriend of how she wasn't my first choice.

It sounds like your girlfriend has some insecurities that go deeper than just photos and need to be fully addressed.

Probably true, though don't we all?  ???  And I think by having open discussions like the one we had last night we'll make progress.  I would much rather she bring these things up than bury them and let them fester.

I don't know.  My daughter is/was very close to her dad.  They had a very special relationship and I do no wish to remove his pictures.

I said something similar to this and my girlfriend, who is divorced, asked how I would feel about seeing pictures of her and her ex-husband displayed around the house.  It wasn't said as a 'gotcha' comment, but it made me think a little bit.  I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes.

I'd like to hear from those who are (or were) seriously dating, and how your Chapter Two feels about pictures of your deceased loved one in your house...

I had a very interesting discussion about this with my girlfriend tonight, and I'd like to get opinions and experiences from other widow(er)s about the following:

Do you have a lot of these pics around the house? Are they of just you two or do they include the kids? Have the number of pics decreased since your new relationship started? Has your new partner expressed objections or concerns about any or all of these pics? How have you dealt with these objections?

I'm still thinking through this whole issue, and though by asking in this forum I expect to get a little widow(er)-bias, I'd still like to get your thoughts.  Thank you in advance!

I don't think it's a good idea to promise our children that nothing will ever change in our lives because stuff happens.

I agree with you, but that's not what I promised them.  I made a limited and specific promise that we wouldn't move out of our house and away from grandparents, aunts and uncles, neighbors, and life-long friends.

And it was a great idea and one I would do a thousand times over.  Others' results may vary.

People move kids all the time for all sorts of reasons and most of the time, everyone adjusts. It sounds like you have a plan but kids are perhaps taking advantage of the lengthy timeline to try and sway you?

 

Maybe it's just time to be honest with them about how important this is too you and to your new marriage.

When I started dating again, my kids made me promise we would never move if I were to remarry. I'm not one to let my kids make decisions that are mine to make, but this was one promise I was happy to give them. Some places (due to friends, relatives, etc) have such a hold on us that it would damn near be criminal to take our kids out of that environment.

Ok so your youngest was 4...you reconnected and found love again 5 years later so she was 9...So I am guessing she's 17 now Senior year...So you've been dating 8 years before you remarried new love in Idaho?

 

Or is my math off?

My husband died of esophageal cancer in June of 2010 after a 2-1/2 year battle. We were both 35 when he died, with two boys ages 11 and 9, and two girls, ages 6 and 4.

Sounds like the youngest is 9.

I have been pushing almost since birth a sense of independence in my children.

The problem? She has ZERO responsibilities at home. I am so hyper efficient and demanding of efficiency that I do everything for them.

The dichotomy between these two statements makes your situation very difficult to understand, but I am glad you have figured out the problem and have resolved to change it.

I said how about I buy you a dick implant and you go fuck yourself.

Literally lol'd on that one 

I figure we've all got our hangups - I know I've got one or fourteen of them - but if you can get something out of the message, that's great.  I sorta see it as appreciating a great actor's work despite hating their political/social/lifestyle views.

I only ask this question because I know how some older people can be on Facebook...is it possible she posted it to your timeline by mistake and didn't realize everyone would see it? I've seen this happen before, and it's almost always been done by people less used to technology.

If this isn't a possibility I'm with everyone else that blocking her is a good idea.  As for paying her, that depends on what the understanding was when the death care decisions were made and also who made them.

My wife died suddenly, but within a month I asked a couple friends of hers to help me get rid of her clothes. She was a clothes horse, and a thoroughbred at that, so we organized everything and had a huge 'extravaganza' in our basement. After allowing family to go through everything, I invited 30 or so of her closest  friends over to take what they wanted, and I asked just a freewill donation to her mission group. We raised around $3,000 (those ladies got GREAT deals), and I got her stuff out of the closet. I was still in something of a daze at this point, but it was one of the best decisions I made in the aftermath of her death.

Boy, AARP is asking the websites to put all these safeguards in place, but I don't know.  It seems there are people out there just waiting to give their money away. I feel for the people who get taken but I have a hard time blaming anyone but them.

And perhaps he needs to know - given that he is very private - that you aren't discussing him or your relationship in a public forum where anyone can read it.

But isn't that exactly what is being done?

And as a point of clarification, I re-read the OP and still haven't found anything about this guy 'telling' her to do anything.  He asked.  That is a huge difference.

I know that pretty much all advise on here is well-meaning, but I think it's time we take a breath before we blast non-widows for not treating us like we treat each other, which is with kid gloves.  Just because this guy brought it up doesn't mean he is 'deciding who you are allowed to be friends with'.  It sounds to me like he made a request - nothing more and nothing less - and the OP has every right to politely respond one way or another.

My girlfriend recently told me how difficult it is to date a widower, and she went into great detail.  It wasn't fun to listen to, but it's her reality and so I wanted to hear it.  And I know she'd rather I take down some pictures of my deceased wife - but she also knows that I'll do it on a timeline that I think is best for me and the kids.  And if she asked me to stop visiting Widda I would politely explain why I come here and what I get out of it, but I wouldn't get upset at her asking.

We aren't that fragile, really.