Laura1612

I am having my worst day/night ever. Had to struggle through work, now having someone guiding me step by step through packing a suitcase. I am not finding my way either and just am devastated. You are not alone.

Forcing myself to do goals is the hardest. Yesterday, my goals were 1. Brush my teeth 2. Pay my bills It took me all day. Today, besides work, it was: 1. Take out trash 2. Write a blog entry I've succeeded. I do feel better. But I really don't give myself more than two goals a day at just two weeks out. If one of them is "shower," that's OK, too. I am thinking of you Beth. Try and stand strong with me. Laura

Mikenter, I hear you. I am two weeks out and don't want to wake up either. I have to go to a memorial eight hours from home in two weeks because that's what my husband's parents want (where he grew up). I'll have something in our current hometown at a later date. The thought of interacting with even people I love is horrid. Laura

I'm very very sorry about your story.

I go back to work on Monday. My boss suggested this because I work at a school, and all the students and teachers will be gone, and it's just administration. She wanted me to get used to being in the office without people everywhere. Very kind. I've been having a terrible time the last two days. I know it's just two weeks for me. But like you, I struggle with the fact that generally NOBODY understands this. The pain is so raw and real and the hopelessness so strong. But like you, I am going to keep working to make it to some happiness again. Also like you, I want to be alone and not be alone at the same time. It feels like I'm crazy! Then I eat nothing for hours until I have two bags of Doritos and a pop-tart. Healthy me. We are in this together ... I understand you, and so does everyone else here. I'm so thankful for that. Laura

Oh Kaycee, I feel for you so much. I'm not sure I am terrified of being alone. My husband, Adam, (do I have to say Late Husband now?) and I didn't meet till I was 30, and I'd been out on my own kicking ass up until then. What I am afraid of is a lifetime without him. Thank you to those who are further out who have posted on this. You can't believe how much comfort you give me at just two weeks out. Every time you say "it gets better," I believe you because you've been there. I wish this part could go faster though I know it can't. I got 17 years with Adam and that's less than half my life already. I have to figure out how to work it again. It's such a sadness for what he will miss. Laura

Hi Kaycee, I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died just 10 days ago. Tonight is my first night without friends or family in the house. Just the dog. I have been crying constantly. I am feeling all you are feeling. You are not alone.

Ugh. born to run Yes, I feel your pain so much. I'm just nine days out. No kids, just the dog. I'm fighting through the "nothing to live for" feelings. Adam and I were together 17 years, but I have spent more of my life without him than with him. My pup follows me everywhere. He feels the pain, too. Well, he feels anxiety with people coming in and out of the house. I am being looked after well. I know my friends and family will stand strong with me as long as I need it, which is probably forever. Please feel free to PM me if you need. A bleed was a precipitating factor in Adam's death. Another complication of liver cirrhosis. Love to you.

Hi Frank, Your story resonates so much with me. My husband (43) passed last Thursday. We have been in and out of the hospital for the last two months dealing with his illness of cirrhosis. We were actually in for liver transplant evaluation when he took a turn for the worse. His liver just couldn't hang on. I took him off the ventilator but medications kept his blood pressure up until all the family arrived. I had lucid moments with him where we exchanged our love. I kept telling him he would get out and we would go home just like every other time because I didn't want him to be scared. He had been scared and anxious enough in his losing battle against the demon that is alcoholism. I lay in bed with him as he took his last breath; he was blissfully sedated, facing a gorgeous view of the Rocky Mountains. I too found this forum because I was looking to relate to young widows. Yes, I'm 47, which probably seems like a lifetime of age away from you, but it's not. We were still planning our future, the places we will go, how we will adjust our lives in a new way "after alcohol." We are huge Star Wars fans, and I kept reminding him that Rogue One was coming out in December and he promised we would be there on opening night again. I don't have any words of advice for you because my grief is as new as yours. All I know is that I showered today. Laura

As I am only four days out, my sister has been sleeping with me. However, we pulled down my large stuffed dog I had as a child and I have been using that as a body pillow. I suspect I will for a long time. Laura

My name is Laura, and I'm 47. I lost my husband Adam on Thursday night to liver disease (alcohol cirrhosis). We were so close to making the transplant list, but his body just gave out. I held him in my arms as he slipped away at the young age of 43. I have spent much of the last 24 hours reading through this forum. I am feeling all the feelings you have. I wonder if life is worth it anymore. We had no children by choice, just our beloved dog (who we were able to sneak into the hospital to visit him while he was conscious). I have family with me now, although they live far from me. Adam was beloved by our friends in this city, and I know they will give me support, but I fear the day when they aren't there anymore. I hate already when people talk about their own losses, when none of them have lost a spouse. I just am so lost, yet being an OCD person, I am still so in control, already logging into accounts to deal with some bills and making sure I have all the correct passwords. I am lucky in a way, I guess, because I was the breadwinner and we have no financial issues. It feels like a stupid thing to feel lucky about. I wonder how to find joy again. Thank you for reading. Laura