born to run

Absolutely. My therapist, of course, probed into these thoughts when I commented that the oncoming truck didn't seem like such a bad idea... and I told her I don't have a specific PLAN, but it's all that I want, to be with him. That being said, I had a panic attack a few weeks ago and did actually realize that I don't actually want to die. We will make it through and survive. We have to...

I thought that's all I wanted until I had a panic attack a few weeks ago at just over 13 weeks... it was the first moment in weeks of hating my life without him that I realized I actually did not want to die. I still don't know how anybody survives this, but I know that I want to find out. I'm sorry for your loss, just so sorry... xo

Jack, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a privilege to read your words about your love. And "putting your stuff out there" takes guts. The vulnerability we all share is so important, don't ever apologize. So here's my unsolicited two cents... I agree with the similar sentiments... the pain has got to be so bad because that's how good the love was. That has to be the reason. That's all that I can get my brain around... this sucks SO much BECAUSE it was THAT good. And also, I read somewhere "You didn't hide your love, so don't hide your grief." I've taken so many of these short simple pearls of wisdom and just marinate on them and repeat them to myself... it helps. They're not just platitudes when they come from people who get it. Keep swimming, just keep doing and moving and the grip of pain and terror does loosen it's grip ever so slightly eventually so that you can breathe for a minute. I don't know how anyone survives this either, but apparently they do, and we will, too. We have to.

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I keep reminding myself that if I don't feel everything I'm feeling, then I'm never going to process this. As much as you want to avoid it to get a break from the pain, there's no way around it, only through. I hated hearing that, but at almost 4 months out, I know it's true. Please take care of yourself... xoxo

I have to remember that not everyone has the same kind of relationship that I had where we were each other's favorite person and loved out loud, knowing fully well how lucky we were every day. The woman on my staff who is upset that I can't listen to HER problems, who wrinkled up her nose and said 2 months in... "You're just always so angry" (NO SHIT) and when I said I was trying, she said further... "It's just not any better."... she doesn't get it. And I can't make her get it. Nor should I waste time trying. Her husband is a jerk to her. And I don't feel bad for her; she chose him. But she doesn't have what I had. It helps me to stop and try to recognize that in a hurtful comment... their intentions may be good (or not), but they just don't have the same relevant experience with love. I keep coming back to our varying capacities, everyone has their own stuff going on, and I have to believe that everyone is simply doing the best that they can, with whatever coping mechanism they can use, no matter how messed up. Doesn't make me NOT want to punch people... but it stops me

omg we do have similar stories... I am so so sorry for your loss. Too much. Many hugs to you... xoxo

12 weeks today... hanging on, dragging myself through... everyone says how tough the holidays will be but DAMN it's like I'm standing still and the whole world is just buzzing right along. The stillness, the quiet, where did everybody go? I know they are in holiday mode, I know they feel badly, I know they don't know what to say, I didn't expect them to stop living as I have, but it's like a whole other level of hurt on top of the deepest, most cutting sadness and pain that I'll ever know. And I just can't reach out to them. I don't want to pull them back into sadness with me. I'm angry about it all... mostly just mad that he's still dead. Yet, everyone here makes me want to find my optimism... for you, for myself, for us. I stayed away for a little while, but only you all know how much of an accomplishment it is to get out of bed each day. Thank you, Mcdc10, Julester3, Beth, Laura, SoVerySad, donswife, MR, Wheelerswife, among so many others. I hope you're each acknowledging every small positive action that you're taking. It's major, and frankly, sometimes it's nothing short of a miracle. xoxo

Same. Would love to find a local group. I am in North Jersey.

Pam... same. 53 days since calling 911. Every Tuesday night is a replay of the horror. I had to start distracting myself from that to some degree... It's OK if all you can do in a moment is breathe. There is no way you're being gentle enough with yourself...never too gentle:) XO

Oh Kaycee, I'm so sorry for your loss. XO

SO thankful for this group... xoxo We are so tough on ourselves... need this safe place to fall and figure out how to get back up.

Beautiful tribute, so beautiful. I am so sorry for your devastating loss.

Work is nearly unbearable. Nobody knows what to say to me so they don't say anything when I'm sobbing uncontrollably. I cant express what i'm feeling to anyone who doesnt know what this feels like. There is nothing they can say, but the silence is too much. It feels like they are sick of me acting like this, but all I can think about is how sick I am of feeling like this and how long I will feel like this. I am having anxiety about losing my job. It is terrifying to feel like i cant handle this. I found a counselor and my first appointment is Tuesday. I hope she can help me. Too strong for other people too soon, I guess. It's all just pouring out all the time. I want to be alone, I don't want to be alone, I wouldn't know what to do with me, either. This is crazy.

Totally fighting "nothing to live for". I had Kevin's love for 18 incredible years and we had a ball. I do realize that it hurts so much because it was so good. I oscillate pretty much every minute between optimism to survive this, and an absolutely shattered spirit... makes you feel like you're losing your mind. I keep reminding myself that sometimes it is okay if all I did today was breathe. I'm sorry to have so much company here, but you're all very generous to reach out. Thank you♡♡♡

Thank you for talking about your pain. Feeling alone in all of this is one of the toughest aspects and your words could have been my own. I can't fathom that life still goes on, and that the world continues to live on, when my world just completely stopped. Sometimes I think I might have a shot at making it through this, but most times I'm just shattered and lost. I'm just trying to keep moving, and keep swimming... it might not always be forward or in the right direction, but it's all we can do. Hugs to you. Please keep swimming.

Hello- I am 41 days into this nightmare. I appreciated what I had. I don't understand this at all. It is crushing to know that you all get it, but realizing you're not alone allows you to take a breath. I believe we are supposed to help each other, but it's so tough needing the help. My love, my 51 yo husband, died suddenly one night in our home. Cardiac arrest due to a GI bleed. We don't have children, but two dogs we adore. Just wanted to "introduce myself". Talk soon. Keep swimming, everyone:)