SailOn

A friend said you move through, not on. I understand that -- rationally. I expected to break down during the first few days. I felt like I was doing better at getting a handle on the uncontrollable outbursts. This crushing feeling, the inability to breath, the sudden tears -- that is really hard. I'm not even thinking of her when it hits, or during it. It is really really really hard. Look, I know everyone has gone through it. I'm feeling very alone right now. I think I'm going to go out to lunch -- I need to get out of the house. It's stifling.

I just had my first trigger moment and I'm having a tough time holding it together. There isn't anyone to talk to who understands, so I'm here. Her shiva candle went out last night. (for those who don't know, Jews sit shiva for seven days beginning with the funeral. It is a period of intense mourning. We light a large candle that burns for the time.) It was supposed to go out yesterday, I expected it to go out, but it has been a feature in our house since last Thursday. I didn't feel it gave me comfort or anything like that, but it going out just hit me hard. I didn't expect it. I'm not able to concentrate right now. F*ck!!! I was doing much better.

You are right, it is what I came here to say. I only make one cup of coffee. When I got up first, I would make mine, then set the coffee maker up for hers. I'd flip it on when I heard her moving around. I have to fold and put away the laundry. Don't get me wrong, I know how to do laundry. But before, she loaded the washer, I'd move it to the dryer and often carry it upstairs, but she put everything away. The rule used to be whoever cooked, the other one cleaned up (and she often cleaned up before I got to it). Now, I have to do both. I have to make the bed everyday, not just the days that I get up after her. If I was having a particularly busy or bad day, she'd bring me a glass of water or a cup of coffee. No one does that now. I know others have it much worse and I know it will be better once the new normal is firmly established, but right now, it is almost overwhelming.

Hi, I'm Jeff and my wife died last week. I'm a little older than some/many of you; I'm 52. The other sites I've been to, however, have way too many people who are so much older than usthan me that I don't identify with the members at all. I have 2 grown children. One is here, the other in a city pretty far away. I work from home. My wife had been home with me. There is no one to talk to during the day, no one to take a coffee break with. Aside from that, today has been a good day. I'm just trying to establish the new normal. Karen wasn't sick for very long. She had what appeared to be food poisoning. After 10 days of throwing up, she agreed to go to the doctor. He found nothing wrong and said if she wasn't better by Monday, go to her regular doctor. On Saturday she was worse, on Sunday she was in awful shape. I took her to the ER and she was septic, in acute renal distress, her liver was failing. They did a CT scan and found she had an incarcerated hernia. Transfer to another hospital ICU, dialysis overnight, surgery in the morning. All seemed to go well, the nurse told me to go home and get some rest. Three hours later he called and said to get there right away. She aspirated. That led to a ventilator, a rotoprone bed, and transfer to another hospital for ECMO. During the transfer, her heart stopped, but they got it going again. After another week, she seemed to be doing better; the doctor was talking to us about the long term treatment plan. Then they did a CT scan of her brain. Severe brain damage incompatible with life. We don't know when it happened. In three weeks we went from planning Thanksgiving (her favorite holiday) to sitting shiva. It has been a whirlwind.