Newgirl

OP- just caught your update... hi fellow ENFP to INTP!

INTP "the thinker" formerly ENFP when I was 20, though LH taught me about being introverted. I suspect I was "faking" extroversion dor social survival in my environments. Now I give zero fucks. A dear friend will often say "I know you love me, but I can tell by the glazed look in your eyes that your 'people time' has come to an end for the day. I'll see you later!"

Hi Katie, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to colon cancer. He was 39. It will be vital to your children's medical history that they tell their doctor's how he died when they are older. The last I had heard, the screening protocol was 10 yrs earlier than the age of death of the first degree relative. My late husband was 9 when his Dad died ofthe same disease at 36. Right now, it's about one breath at a time. I am thinking of you and rooting for you. Feel free to PM me any time. The pain lessens. Much love,

"Mayhap you could speak to the issue of what you would call, define or label "grief" where you sit?" It's not something one labels, it's something one lives. It will be as unique to you as it is to me. John Clare said it best, "Language has not the power to speak what love indites. The soul lies buried, in the ink that writes."

Klaxl, I am so very sorry you have joined our rotten club. It is not fair. I was 30 when I lost my husband. We were similarly attached like you and your bb. MrsT85 was widowed in her 20s. Right now, your primary responsibility is to be as kind to you as you can. Breathe and drink water. I chanted the serenity prayer for hours on end in the early days. I put his favorite shows and movies on a 24 hr loop. You are not alone. You are going to move forward through this pain, and it will not always feel this unbearable. Right now it's about one moment at a time. Sending you Internet wid love.

Hello Raymond, Thank you. I do not believe I characterized grief in a linear fashion. It's not. The guilt stage and I are old friends. All I can say is that for me, it was comparatively worse in the early days. If someone out there can take hope from my post, and defy having their widhood dictated to him/her, that's great. If not, well perhaps I managed to distract someone from their misery for a couple of minutes. If I had all the answers, I would have a hell of a lot more cash. Re: dating. The vows are "till death do us part." Anyone who wants to judge when I/you/whomever started dating again is welcome to assume full responsibility for my/our happiness, and well being. The mortgage is due on the 1st. No? All of a sudden the finger waggers aren't interested? Hmmm, shame. As for personifications of my grief, locket, etc? Those are mine to keep.

Dear Laura, I read that article too, and while I still have difficult days, I think it is important for me to accept the inevitability of time. In the article, she asks another wid if he's "still as fucked up" as she is. I was "fucked up" before widowhood, and I suspect I will be "fucked up" in my own special way for the remainder of my days. I am also very skeptical of widow books, articles, etc. Being a "professional widow" is not for me, and when someone writes something like this particular article, I am cautious to internalize it. I have compassion for her story, but who is her audience? Other wids? I don't think so. It read more as a scathing death slap to society. I can get behind that, because our death phobic culture is not helping us, but I could not tell someone that they will still be miserable 3 years out bc I am. Likewise, I cannot guarantee anyone else's happiness, that is on the individual. I can say that I became better able to cope with the pain now more days than not, and that time is moving, whether I want it to or not. I can also say that in a given day, I am able to make choices, and as TooSoon mentioned, I am able to choose gratitude. In the early days it may have consisted of "I am grateful there is lotion in these tissues for my raw nose." Your grief, your rules. I wish I had all the answers, and could fix everyone's pain, but I do not, and I can not. P.S. regarding plants, I too have often described myself as having a "black thumb," but I brought up the Oxygen Garden plants because they tend to be so hardy. I have a "resurrection" aloe I have kept when other people told me to throw it out, bc it was shriveled and grey. It is now green and propagating. My snake plant has sat in a dim corner, barely getting watered, and it thrives. It thrives on my neglect, it gives "zero fucks" about me, aside from tossing the occasional water in its pot. I like it's attitude. TooSoon is so much more eloquent about it in her post, but in essence, widhood was liberating in that it offered me the ticket to "zero fucks" land. Some days I give a "many" not a "zero," but I try to aim for zero. P.P.S. By virtue of you saying you don't want to be doomed, I don't believe that you will. Take care of you. You're worth it.

Hello New Wids, It is difficult for me to fathom that it has been almost four years since I lost the love of my life. I was 30. I lived on the old board, and the new, for years. One day I got to the point where I didn't want "X's Widow" to be my sole identity. For a while, I needed it to be, and I embraced it, and I seized mourning traditions from the past, or made up my own. But one day, it was no longer the whole of me. I left the boards bc I often felt similarly to Serpico, in that "hugs," weren't helping me anymore. I had reached the point where I had to push myself out of the nest I had made of my grief. There was a culture on the old board wherein some of the "old wids," would not step forward to help the new wids bc it was "too painful." On the one hand, I understand, but on the other, it never sat well with me. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, please don't. Know this: one day, I promise you, you will die. Guaranteed. Especially for my fellow wids without kids (and I'm sorry for the shitty way ppl respond to that, even in our own community), please pick a reason to move forward each day and keep breathing. Whether it's to water the plants, eat that fucking "gourmet" frozen dinner you paid too much for, to widowbomb someone, to make an inappropriate death joke, to go on a trip, to complete a memorial scrapbook, or spitefully suck every last dollar you can out of a system that screwed your late spouse, whatever the reason that day, seize it. And if you have a day, where you are struggling to hold on, know that there is a community of people you have never known who cares about its members, and whose hearts would hurt. Loss ripples through space and time. I was there. It was scary. Fill your house with plants. They smell better than cats, and they will nourish you. Look up NASA's oxygen garden for some good recommendations. My prime responsibilities in the early days were to breathe, to hydrate, to rest as best I could, and to keep the lights on. Sometimes I tried to see myself and my household as a business, so I could separate the "me" with all my grief from it. It is vital that you guard your health. The widowhood effect is real. It is vital that you see your physician. Know that you are doing the best "normal," you can in an abnormal situation. Find fellow wids. The best wid friendships I found were a mix of someone near to me in age and/or had lost his/her spouse in a similar way. One day you may find yourself playing "Cards Against Humanity," with your new partner, and your wid friend, and her fiance, and winning with "only two things are certain in life, death and.... survival guilt." I spoke to myself like I was a toddler in toilet training, praising the tiniest achievement. The subconscious doesn't understand sarcasm, so if I wanted to be mean to myself, I made myself say positive things in a sarcastic way. I.e. "Good job, genius!" I managed to find my way. You will as well. Oh it hasn't always been glamorous. Far from it. But there is a satisfaction in being able to look at a great deal of life's challenges, and think, "Bitch, please, I've survived widowhood, what's your superpower? Come at me." I was told by my late spouse to "go do X accomplishment, find someone worthy," and most importantly, "have a GOOD life." You all deserve the same. My late husband's love did not die with him. I have managed to integrate a spiritual relationship with him, into a mortal life in the real world. I still tell stories about him, to those who are worthy, and I have ways of honoring him at certain holidays that make me smile. My home is no longer a tomb, but the birthplace of a phoenix. I addressed myself as "Captain Badass" for a good six months. I wish you all survival. Survival until you find yourself in a place where you seize thriving again. You're worth it. I'm worth it. One day, you will be several years out, seize your power over what you can control. That point will not be as bad as this point. Until you can get there, breathe, hydrate... keep the lights on.