hachi

Craig, His name is Craig. I miss hearing it the way he would say it, with a hint of his mother's Scottish brogue. Not "Kregg" but with the long a, and a slight roll of the r.

Craig. God, I miss that man....

So jealous! I wanted so badly to see this before it closed last spring! I am really glad that they are taking it on tour. Have a great time and let us know how you liked it!

"You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers."  I misread this as "a mouthful of leftovers" and I just couldn't understand it!

I had a nice time too! Looking forward to the next one. The manor will be nice, not as noisy and rushed.

I felt at the time like I was on a plane that was crashing, and although the air masks dropped down from the ceiling for everyone else, there wasn't one for me. By going to alanon, I learned that there was a mask for me.

And then actually putting it on!

I'll try to make it for 4, I can always text you Donna, to catch up with you. See you later!

My kids were a bit older. They were not ready for me to be involved with New Guy. Went from "oh, nice guy mom is seeing" to "oh, who is this guy who thinks he know what my mom needs, wants, has to complicate her life" back to "nice guy who loves my mom"...

I think that their grief is as complicated as ours. They struggle with the idea that anyone other than our DH can be a crucial part of our life. The  fact of the matter is, we all struggle. And if the relationship is a healthy one, eventually, everyone will get to the point, if they are honest, where they see that it is good for us to have love in our lives.

Looking forward to this!

The Portsmouth Brewery at 5PM? Was that the final decision?

AC, do you need to be picked up somewhere?

Trying,

In thinking about this a little bit more, and reading some of the other responses, I think this is a really great idea. Like Calimom, I did cry through some of the first massage that I got after I became widowed. At the time, I figured, what the hell, I don't know this therapist. She's probably had someone cry before. But I think I would have been less self conscious if I new my practitioner was, as Maureen said "experienced in and sensitive to issues of chronic disability, oncology, grief and loss."

Oh, and if I was closer, I'd be all over the volunteer thing! I wish you the best with this... 

Hi Trying,

Yes, yes and yes, but I do not think it has anything to do with grief itself. I think it is the way I am wired. Affordable and accessible would be the obstacles for me.

I don't really know how I would react to my massage therapist sending me a card regarding the benefits specifically when grieving. I think that may be a little overstating. I mean, some might not actually feel those benefits, as soloact states.

yup

Me too...

I definitely felt this way in the first 18 months to 2 years. One day I looked in the mirror and was utterly shocked at how old and tired I looked. I think it was my eyes. I had a defeated, worn look.

Somewhere, I found the motivation to get a facial, a haircut and a massage. That was the beginning of the self-care that I needed so desperately. I tried to stop beating myself up about it and take baby steps. Today, I am just an old soul. The body does recover, eventually, if you let it. But I am not sure you can rush it.

So I totally can get how seeing a bunch of pictures - especially those of just my wife and I embracing, for instance - would be a constant reminder to my girlfriend of how she wasn't my first choice.

I think a picture of my and my husband embracing would be a picture I would choose to keep in an album, not displayed anywhere it could be a constant reminder. Also, you were not her first choice, either. Both of you are in a different place now, and you are each others first choice now. These are the important discussion points in my chapter 2.

I said something similar to this and my girlfriend, who is divorced, asked how I would feel about seeing pictures of her and her ex-husband displayed around the house.  It wasn't said as a 'gotcha' comment, but it made me think a little bit.  I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes.

Well, how would you feel? It's a valid question. Also, it's not the same question as "how would you feel about seeing pictures of her kids and ex-husband around the house?"

Although we haven't directly discussed this issue, it has come up in subtle ways. What I find is that NG does not object to pictures, and has a pretty high comfort level when discussions and anecdotes involving DH come up. What does trouble him usually are things that happen randomly and when he is not expecting it. It has more to do with what he "thinks" I am thinking.

Example; I was rifling through a desk drawer for something and came across an old picture of me and DH. Not really thinking, I just set it aside and when he was looking for a pen, he came across it. I think it was because it was unexpected, and I suppose I was a little careless. To me it was not a big deal at all, but it was a WTF moment for him. Why had I "left" it out?

Another; I went with some of my widow posse to a medium (another story, ugghh". We were supposed to bring a picture of our DH's. I left the picture on the visor of my car and forgot about it. Again, he lowered the visor and it fell into his lap. Oops

The major decisions, put the pictures in an album, only display pics with the kids, not having them in places like the bedroom, those were easy for me. It is the little things where I don't give it any thought, where I get into this area of discomfort. I am trying to be more aware, but, I pretty much suck at it.

Dear, dear Fuschia,

I remember this all too well. The good, bad and awful moments. The awkward "I'm sorry I am not dying fast enough" comments, meant to be a joke but a statement that still haunts me, along with the horrible wishes for it to be over.

Thankfully, we found our peace with it all, and were able to spend his last days exactly where he wanted to be. There was a sort of rhythym about it that seemed natural. And I was always happy to see the visitors go, so as not to feel their pain as well.

PM me if you want...

I had cause to realize today how differently I am coping with my husband's illness than others in the family.  I think it's because I am with him full time.  I don't react emotionally to a lot of his symptoms or his moments of pain.  I deal with what I need to for him and keep going. If I break it's later.  I am also able to keep doing mundane sort of normal/happy things while he is obviously not well.  I kind of compartmentalize and stay in the moment as best I can.  Otherwise I'd lose my mind I think. I notice that my daughter does this to an extent too.  When she feels happy she doesn't have to feel sad...she has learned how to take an emotional break.  Which sucks cause she is only 6 and shouldn't have to cope with this. 

 

Others in our family are feeling their pain 24/7.  His mother was over today and stayed while he napped.  She sat for a couple of hours and listened to his labored breathing. She was a wreck with worry by the time I got home.  I listen to that all night every night and no longer worry.  I sit in the kitchen and listen to him cough and just play on my phone and wait till he's done and needs me.

Its crazy...there's so little emotion to it.  I feel like my heart has hardened.  But it's a self defense mechanism! I can't live in pain all the time.  I can't imagine how it looks from the outside.  They all say they don't know how I keep going.  Part of me is turning to stone. 

Welcome back AC! or TG as you will be now?  Been wondering when you would pop back up. Glad to see you.  (read you?) Aww, you know what I mean....

Hoping this is still Portsmouth!

october 17th for supper?

Doable for me! 

As a mother of a young (25yo) adult with a mental illness, I agree with singingmom04 that one of the best things you can do for yourself is find a support group. I found mine through NAMI, and it changed my life. My journey began when my son was about 17 and for years I struggled with doubt, frustration, fear and all of the other things that go along with living with MI for years until I found my local chapter.

https://www.nami.org

I am away Oct 11 as well, this is hard! Sort of like herding cats!

I reposted this on facebook for my niece who just lost her beloved Papa.

Thanks, Maureen.

Living with my NG for well over a year now, and still finding it hard to be "public" about it. I think it is just me. People close to me know him, and I have shared most every part of my life with him. He knows all of my friends, and my close family. I am hosting a family reunion next weekend where he will meet the rest of them. I am just beginning to realize what a step this is, for both him and me. Neither of us has been "public" about our relationship, but have let people figure it out as necessary.

The last time I was in the company of my extended family it was for my Aunt's 80 birthday and NG did not come with me, as it was early on in our relationship.  I didn't really even mention him to anyone who didn't already know about him. My sister brought her new "boyfriend" and was very keen to introduce him to everyone. I think I was relieved to not have to deal with it and I just went under the radar for most of the day.

This time, my NG and I are hosting the party, so I guess that it is as public as it gets. My sister has a "new" new guy. She wants him to be there to meet everyone. They have seen each other 6 times. I don't know whether to be amused or confused.

It is definitely a trigger. I was too numb the first year to really feel anything, but I remember very clearly the second year feeling overwhelmed by thinking of all of the widows and widowers created on that one day.

I am thankful that I did have the chance to say good-bye...