James

A.M. what is normal when you lost your love? Normal is what you need it to be. It gets better. For now, when you need to cry, cry. Come here when you need to and write whatever the heck you want/need to write. Everyone here understands. This is the only place you can be with people who understand what you are going through. Use this resource.

I had a weird dream last night. I was walking down the stairs and there was a small pile of dust with a dustpan and broom next to it. I was staring at it and thinking "why did someone leave that there?" Then as I was waking up I said, because you're gone and you aren't coming back. Unfinished. Loss.

Not strange. Before Christmas I was starting to concentrate on the love in my heart for her. Thanks for all who replied, I just need to write sometimes.

My brother, make sure you sob. That is done with the voice. I came through those first weeks/months and made it. Use this forum. Write whatever the heck you want to write. This place completely understands you. You will go through "processing". I discovered one word that had a lot of meaning for me: LOSS Maybe that will help you too.

It's been awhile, but when I was at my lowest this forum was there to pull me through. Thanks again to the creators and mods. THIS IS A BIG DEAL. One year anniversary is upon me. On the positive side it can't be worse than Christmas. It's just a date. i was SLOWLY rebuilding, decided not to die, but haven't decided to live. I'm trying to find my purpose now. Then Christmas was arriving and I started sinking. All of the traditions and happy times with her. She had an overflowing heart filled with goodness. Tears flowing. So I sank down into the pit. It took weeks to crawl back out and stabilize. And now the 1 year is upon me. I know to just take each day as it comes. What is "normal" when one half of you was ripped away and you lie in a pool of blood? So you take each day and try to improve just a little. I am grateful to have this forum. You my brothers and sisters are the only ones who CAN understand the full meaning of the word: LOSS

On Hope by Josef Pieper. Read it later. Get through the raw grieving first.

This raises the question, intense perspective on what? Love. Hope arises because you are alive, which implies choice, and thus opportunity. I have always been very positive. In a sense, I worship life. I've met other people, fearful people, who appear to worship death. A kind of nihilism.

Whatever you do is the right thing. No one understands this except people who go through it. Write what you are feeling here. It helps.

I've been doing "better" for the past week. Been working with my crew, my brothers. May God bless good friends. It's been good for me. Then friends of the family texted me a picture of my wife's grave. It wasn't malicious, they wanted to show me that they had left flowers. Can't people use their brain? So down the black pit I spiraled once again. Then my little girl had a dream and got to be with Mommy. She said, "Mommy, you're alive!". Can it get any freaking worse? No baby, Mommy is not alive. Mommy will never hold you again. She'll never have a tea party with you again. She'll never hug you or tuck you in. Your Mommy is dead. Your happy childhood ended February 1 when you got to watch Mommy die. In a few days I fly back home, where my wife won't be there to pick me up. A dagger waiting for me that I have to walk into. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I'm in the pit right now. I have to maintain. I have to rally. I have to hold to my motto: "I will live." I hate being on this forum. I hate that you are on this forum. I thank you all for being here and understanding.

Dude, the dreary blasted wasteland where all the color is rinsed out, where there is no joy. You captured it perfectly. And we understand.

We understand this. The forum where you tell someone: "It sucks that you are here" and you reply: "Thank you." I've only been here a short while but just writing posts and people taking the time to read them and respond, people who are the only ones who CAN understand, has been a big help. Just write what you need.

Thanks for the encouragement. To be honest, I'm doing better. When I was writing the post up above, the word I was looking for came to me: LOSS, while I was writing. After I reflected on LOSS, I'm better. I have a way to go and have moments of sadness, but it was like my brain was trying to process it, and once I realized what I was feeling, it helped me out. Seems like what I needed was to come to this place where people definitely understand me, and I thank everyone here for that.

You're going to have to sob. Best to get it over with. Your emotions are screaming at your brain to recognize the horror. You can clamp down on them, but they never give up. They'll find a way out, and usually in a bad way. Best to find some alone time, look through the picture albums and scrapbooks, and name the horror, then let it out.

It's not a big deal. I didn't know if women and men process it differently or not. Your last paragraph captured it perfectly. We used to have a fire and spark, even when she had cancer. She was told multiple times how much people envied her (as a compliment), because we had a good family and a fun marriage. I just trying to process it. I'm not repressing grief. I'm not bitter. I'm not having some regret. I think I have the word for it: LOSS.

Thanks. I am not alone. Thank you for this forum. This is the only place where people understand this. I haven't saved anyone from death, but I've become quite good as a grief counselor. My children also. From a 30,000 ft. view it is comical. Kids lost their mother, husband lost a wife of 26 years, and we're the ones saying, "it will be ok" to sobbing people. I don't hold it against them but come on if we're not crying, we don't need you to be crying. They are human and broke up, so I don't hold it against them. I'm "glad" to hear this numbness is typical. I know I'm not repressing anything, like I said, I let it all come out. Then I actually got tired of grieving and started doing things with the kids. I did laugh at some goofy stories, so that was something. But most of the time when we had fun, I didn't feel it. My brain just registered, "This is good. Kids are having fun. They are dealing with it, so it's good." Like a robot.

I'm 48. Married 26 years with 5 kids. I don't know if I'm young, but I'll be working for some time and still have 2 kids at home, youngest is 10. I would not fit in on a retirees' widow forum. Wife died 2 months ago, infection from chemo. She was given a few months to live and we had the cancer beat back with chemo and some natural products. She was completely healthy, except the crazy hair from the chemo. I shaved my head also. She was 2 and a half years in, symptom free. Able to kayak even. I did it right. Gave myself a few weeks to mourn. Years ago I suffered real PTSD after witnessing something horrible and understand you have to sob, not cry. Sobbing cured me back then. Sobbing involves the voice. I looked at pictures of her beautiful smile and sobbed. Thought about regrets, and sobbed. Remembered the happy times, and sobbed. I let it all come out. Then I spent time with the kids and did fun things with them. We told goofy stories and laughed, which helped a lot. Went on a nice trip as a family. I hadn't sobbed for weeks. I work on the road (on rotation) in a very masculine field with men I consider my brothers. My boss gave me two months off. I had talked to my brothers and was actually looking forward to seeing them again. No anxiety about going back, we are a close family on my team. Got to the airport and started feeling it. Got on the plane and it hit hard. I held off til the hotel, then sobbed again. It had been awhile and I couldn't figure it out. Then I realized it more than ever. Whenever I'd start a hitch, I was never too sad. Leaving home sucks, but she would go with me in my heart. She was half of me and I took her with me. Now half of me is dead. It hit hardest on the airplane and I really felt it. I dread flying back home, when she won't be there to pick me up. Then phone time came and passed. We'd talk every night, sometimes for hours. We were like teenagers. That's gone forever. It's phone time right now, and tears roll down my cheeks. And now my subject line. Besides the sadness from time to time, I can't feel anymore. I am so numb. I'm sure people who haven't gone through this might tell me to dedicate myself to my kids and love them. Here's the deal, I loved them before she died. That hasn't changed. But she's gone and half of me is dead. I try to concentrate on the positive side. I'm a devout Catholic and she had strong Faith. I have great hope that she is in heaven (God is the Judge, but He is Mercy and Love). She never has to have chemo again. For me, I don't have to wake every morning with the dread: She could die today. Something I would never tell her because I was her coach and trainer and had to keep her fighting, which she did. I plan on being selfish for a year and work on hobbies and learn some new things. Not out of resentment or bitterness, just because it sounds like a good plan. I'll have as my motto: you will live. But I can't feel. I'm so numb. I'd like to hear, especially from the men, did you feel this numbness? Do you know what I am talking about? I could witness a horrible accident in front of me, and I'd just stand there staring at it. I'm that numb.