Drafter

I'm still not sure where I am at with this... 1st of all I have been widowed for a little over a year, (not married but in a long time relationship for almost 20 years). Obviously its been over 20 years since I even thought about going on a date with anyone other than my better half. It seems things have changed dramatically with meeting people so I don't know how to really approach this. Last year I was encouraged to get into one of the online sites "Just to meet people" and get out of the house and not be by myself, or depressed. Fine... I think I'm beyond that now however, I still seem awkward with the online situation(s). Best way to explain is to say I'm not with the times (meaning I don't text) so apparently without knowing I have been "ghosting" . Not really sure about what that means to me but it does mean maybe the new way to date is not for me. With another person I think we would, or only could be friends because there is a lot of "incompatible" ideas about having a relationship & she doesn't seem to appreciate that I have a good relationship with my better half's family. If this is what I have to got through with meeting people I might as well stay by myself for the rest of my life... Again I just don't know where to go from here...

Following this thread now.... A good mixture of things to read and take in since some applies to me. Not going to get into details but based on what I've been reading I'm glad I did not take the plunge with a person that became an adversary or frenemy.

Lewis, Thank-you for your post. Thinking back when my better-half passed away, my 1st couple of months were really bad like this. I'd be good at work, (somehow I kept it together in the office) but as soon as I got away from work, or out shopping the tears just started flowing... (it's been a little over a year for me since she passed). You are spot on. Thankfully I am better now but not a day goes by and I don't think of her.

Not sure what to think or say…It’s been a little over a year since my better half passed away. In some ways, as the saying goes, I have moved on, or ahead. In other ways I’m still taking things one day at a time. During this time (as I've mention on other post), I’ve managed to get most of my affairs in order and also find myself again. Naturally for awhile I’ve reached out to friends both old and new (which is how I found myself on this site), for support. Now it seems I’ve found myself at a crossroads again... With finding myself again I’ve started doing things that I did prior to meeting my better half. Nothing bad of course, manly getting involved with music, sports, (bowling, golf, band etc., etc…). Not that I ever gave up that stuff when my better half was around, I just did a lot less for the benefit of our relationship. Well, with one of my “new friends”… this thing about finding myself again has become an issue… 🙁 It strange that I’m writing about this since one of the issues is “texting instead of talking” (I’m the guy that prefers to “TALK” and not text), and I guess that’s because I am a little old fashioned. So, because I prefer to talk vs. texting "somehow I’ve changed". As you would expect when you meet a new friend, you spend time getting to know them but, after awhile you both realize we may not be compatible but we still keep in touch (just like I do with my old friends) however, we don’t see each other as often as we would like (again just like my old friends). As you may have guessed not seeing each other is another part, or perhaps the root of the issue. Just wondering if this is something to fix or let go? Like I said I just don’t know what to think or say anymore… 😟

Its been almost a year but so far the only things I have been able to purge were clothes, a few appliances, and perfumes. Last year (Sept 2017) we gave away / donated most of her clothing and knitting items to the hurricane victims or knitting club. With the appliances, what ever the kids (she had adult children) didn't take for their families again I just sold or gave away. The perfumes were a "no brainer". not going to keep something like that around. The other thing is we are still waiting for the estate to come out of probate. Yes I own the house but her personal possessions (including medical records) belong to her family. Everything else I've kept and don't plan on changing.... (at least for another year).

Just like a lot of other people, its been awhile since coming on or posting... I too am approaching that one year mark and I have to say unfortunately I now understand how some people can be stuck in the same place for years. Am I making strides and moving ahead? The short answer is yes. Am I mentally where I was prior to my better half getting sick... "Hell no" Even with not making any major changes I still have managed to loose things in the house or totally screw things up at work...😑. The sad part about this is I will be doing well for awhile and then totally loose it for a day. Not so much with outwardly grieving but to the point where I really just want the world to stop for a few minutes so I can get my bearings.

So, regarding this post / thread....its almost a year and thankfully I now have the house. A lot of family and friend felt the same way (as others have mentioned in this post), since we bought the house together I should get the house. Not going into a whole lot of detail here but to make a long story short we (her family and I) simply separated the house from the estate. It was a matter of a "refinancing" to buy out her families portion of the house. Not only was I able to keep the house but the estate became a "separate entity" so we (again the family and I) were able to keep the estate active for probate reasons. Unfortunately New Jersey (like other states) sort of forces you to keep an estate account for probate reasons. With the year since her death coming to a close at lease we can put this chapter behind us and we all can move ahead. One thing is certain, after going through all of this, I made sure all of my affairs were put into order so upon my death there is no question about what to do. Hopefully the time it takes for the probate when it come to me to be laid to rest will be easier.

Chris, You are definitely right... for some reason there is no in-between.

Wow, Reading through this post has really enlighten me.... I guess in a strange way I'm one of those guys that prefers to chat. Not for any reasons other than I don't want to seem pushy and in a way I know I'm not ready to really start dating. At most I am looking for some company and wouldn't mind meeting someone just for coffee. With the exception this online group and another, I've had no luck with being able to really talk / chat and express my feelings. For awhile I sort of was being overwhelmed with bereavement sites or groups or being involved with a religious groups and they all expected me to just show up. The issue with that is I'm still working full-time (just cant take time off to go to a daytime meeting), so that only leaves the weekends. Anyway, I will keep what I've read in mind so I don't become one of those guys that is online texting, or chatting for months with someone...

Not sure where we (I) go from here... The house was never in my name but we bought it together. NJ does not recognize common law marriage and we were together almost 20 years. I'm sure the family (her family) will have no issue allowing me to stay / keep the house. In a strange way, I feel as if I should still let her family retain some control eventhough no one takes care of the pets, or property except for me. Is it weird for me to feel this way?

My story is simple… We were in a long term relationship (LTR) for close to 20 years. Never married. Thankfully in this day and time most people (including my employer) understand that but still respected the fact that we were a couple so we were still legally able to have insurance together etc., etc., etc.,... The worst thing is NJ doesn’t recognize un-wed couples (like other states) as common law marriage so a lot of legal issues are being sorted out.

Wow, 1st of all sorry to everyone that still dealing with this. I'm new to the forum and still trying to get use to being by myself. Reading through, I guess in a sense I had nothing to worry about... My biggest thing I've found out (which I suspected any way) is my better half did indeed have a Facebook account which I never really saw until after she passed. I only found out via her sister and a few of her friends. I never really looked (other than to notify her friends) to see if she had any secret liaisons. I guess it really wouldn't matter at this point but I still miss her and would taker back in a heartbeat...

I too just lost my wife of 18+ years to Metastatic Lung Cancer (MLC). Today is a month since she passed and it seems like I’m just now crawling out of the hole… I’ve been a functioning zombie or so it seems. I’m going into work only because I can’t stand being home by myself anymore, I’m crying every day, and eventhough I’m sort of back to being a musician I’m still not quite myself. Last week was my 1st real session with a therapist and I’m starting to run into issues with insurance telling me this and that or stuff like “I should have contacted them sooner”. Not sure if this is normal... is there any real protocol for grieving or moving ahead or with getting things done?