tmppgh2015

Thabks everyone for the input. It's nice to have people understand. People in the real world have no idea. Just getting through. Carey I was a lot like you decorated for all the holidays and now I could care less... It's scary. :-\

I'm late on this... But in reading it, it's so true. I don't even know how to find joy in anything anymore. I try even to the point of oohhhh I got a green light, and then it takes me to a memory that makes me want to cry. The loneliness is the worst feeling in the world. I have people in my life, but they have their own lives, trying to figure me out or help doesn't happen now. I can't blame them. It seems that I just keep putting up more and more walls.

This is exactly how I feel. I do feel better after reading everyone post and it seems normal. I am only 16 months out and it just seems so much worse then the first year. I agree that it is the reality of how our lives have changed and I do think I am mourning my life lost, but I just don't know how to pull out of it. Most times I just think I can't, or don't want to try to do it anymore. If you tell anyone a sentence like that they look at you like your crazy. But until your life has been pulled out from you, you never understand. I also deactivated my Facebook account. It just became to difficult to see everyone loving their lives in bliss. I use to try to be positive and supportive, now I just do t have the energy.

Eventually I'm hoping something will break through and help me feel less lost. Man, this 2 no year is kicking my butt and I'm only 4 months into it. I can't concentrate, I can't think. I do go to work and somehow get through, not nearly functioning to full capacity. I come home and I am generally in bed by 6-7pm. I have let my house slip. Normally I am a neat freak and now I just can't pull myself to do anything. I don't have any kids that makes me actually have to function. I do feel bad for my dog as we were pretty active and now he lays in bed with me so early. I don't know how to pull myself from this funk. I am in counseling, the problem is I know what's wrong. I was kind of seeing someone and that is just a frustrating situation and I don't have the energy to even try dating anyone else, so I deal with someone who lacks commitment on any level and I maybe see him once a month if I'm lucky. When I look at my life and what a shell I am now compared to the person who loved life before. It just makes me sad!

I just got back from an amazing trip to Greece with friends. I feel like a brat when I say to people that it was nice but so many pieces are missing. I know I am blessed I was able to take the trip. Going through the trip and coming back to reality is so hard. It just makes you miss your partner you would've shared so much with. I sat on a ferry ride looking at beautiful scenery and crying my eyes out cause all I could think about was how much I missed my best friend. No he wouldn't have been able to travel on this trip with me but he would've enjoyed checking in and hearing all about it. I have no children and it really showed me how it didn't matter if something happened to me on this trip cause no one checks in. Not that I don't have people that care about me. I am blessed in that category, however, they get wrapped up in their own lives. If I don't show up at home. They will Realize it the next time they go to check in with me, not immediately. All that I come to the conclusion every time I think about my situation is it just sucks! End rant!

Counseling was actually good... I did really like my counselor. Thanks for all the advice everyone. So grateful for everyone! I did leave her office feeling better and not even sure why!

Many people suggest I start counseling since I'm finding it so difficult to get through. So today I have my first counseling appointment. I'm not sure what I expect to get out of it. I know what my issues are and Im logical enough to know what I should be doing. I just can't seem to do it. I have a great network of friends who always support me. Of course they all have their own craziness going on and I dont want to be a bother. I know I "talk" not sure how else to classify my relationship. We chat all the time on the phone and text. Seeing each other is a whole other issue. He has openly admitted he is in a selfish stage of his life and I know he is emotionally damaged. Should I walk away from this relationship absolutely. I know that already. But it's weird. He does worry about me, he does provide me a distraction, and to be honest it's nice to have someone to talk to and not have to worry about them wanting something serious from me. Seems if you show interest in me that you are serious I run away. Hence, why is still am putting up with someone who openly admits they are damaged. So when I go to counseling im sure we will discuss this. But again i already aware it's not healthy. I'm just not sure how therapy is going to help. It can't give me my old life back, it ant take away they fact that I'm a widow at 38 and that I am trying to learn stuff, I should've learned at 21, but I was already happy and settled. Any insight would be appreciated!

As im not a frequent poster to this forum... I did find the old forum and read it a lot and it helped me get through a lot. I do think being 15 months out and at my lowest point.. I will start to post more. TBH... I didn't even know how to articulate what I was going through or how to process any of it. I do thibkni figured that part out now.. Which is why these feelings are so raw now.. I feel now I not only morning the loss of my DH but also myself. I fell like I am spiraling out of control and have no idea who this new person is. There are a lot of things I miss about the old me and I feel I am mourning that too. I don't know what to do or how to catch myself and be ok with the new! I just feel like such a lost soul. I did want to take the time to thank all of you on this board. I don't know if you realize sometimes you guys really do help!

Thanks Virginfor suggesting it here... My goal today is just to get through the day. I am 15 months out and feel worse then the whole first year.

Thanks so much for the suggestion im definitely checking that out!!

It seems we are a lot alike... I don't have children either and my husband passed away from cancer... Getting through the first of everything was tough for me... But seems getting through the seconds is equally as tough. I seemed to avoid it the 1st year and the 2nd year reality is crashing in on me.... Hugs to you!

Thanks for the advice and the story... It does help... A lot... If you haven't gone through this you have no idea... Which is why I switched from FB over to here...

Why does it seem that after a year and 3 months I shouldn't be feeling worse then I did after the months my husband past away.... The feeling of despair im in is ridiculous and I am having a difficult time pulling myself out of it... I'm trying to make positive changes to my life but just feel bogged down with grief and despair... I posted this to facebook today to try to hold myself accountable to some of the things I want to change within myself.. "So I am sitting here today and have come to realize, I can throw myself in a mental tailspin. The other day I was feeling overwhelmed and a friend suggested I make a list of ?chores? I wanted to accomplish, which I did and have been crossing things off my ?chore? checklist. However, emotionally I feel I need to make a list of what changes I want to make in my life. I need to start to look at what I want, instead of what is expected from me. I want to be honest about what?s right in my life, as well as what needs to be changed. Sometimes it is easier to give in and not truly look at something that should be changed because no one is comfortable with it, especially me, I?ve gone through too much already, but I need to stop using that as an excuse. I want to be honest about what I want to achieve and who I want to become. It?s funny I use to be that girl who said what was on her mind. Since Todd has passed away I have found myself to be more passive aggressive, because I don?t want to hurt people?s feelings. I need to get back to being more honest and true, rather than afraid to hurt someone. If you are truly in my life, you will appreciate and accept me for this. Which brings me to, I need to own my choices that I want to make and that I have made, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them. Yes, I have made choices that I wish I could take back, however, you can?t turn back the clock. I need to learn how to accept this. I can either take accountability for my life or risk other people doing this, which has happened. I have to remind myself that sometimes it?s ok to admit that I?m in need of a hug. I need to learn how to be brave enough to open up to those who are there for me by tearing down the emotional brick walls I have built up, because I have learned to protect myself from the feeling of loss and disappointment by building those emotional walls. This to me is going to be one of the hardest things to do. Trying to protect yourself from pain and loss seems to be the only control you have sometimes. I need to learn to own my story, I know it can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending my life running from it, which I feel I have done the last year and half, if not longer. Losing your best friend makes your world fall apart, only you can rebuild it and it has to be at your pace. This is a journey I feel I am ready to begin."

Wow beautiful picture!! Hugs to you!

I'm so sorry you had to find this group! I am a little over a year out and feel a little less robot like. You need to just remember your stronger then you think!!!