Toosoon2.0

Its been a long lonely three weeks for me since I resigned from my job, ending my 20 some year career but we had tickets to go listen to the Sun Ra Arkestra and Kamasi Washington last night in Philadelphia. Its one of the first times I've left the house in nearly a month. We had a drink with some friends in the city and went to the show. And it was so, so good. Dancing and just unbelievable genius sound. I needed that. On to the job search tomorrow....

Thanks for posting this. I spend a lot of time in Italy (gondolas overrated) - but I've never been to Holland. What I can say is that I got the double whammy - a dead husband and a special needs kid, all within less than 10 years. She is the light of my world - every day is an adventure with her! Windmills and tulips and who knows what else? She is one surprise after another. She is my husband's one lasting gift to me.

Jennica, I've said this before, but I bought into this insane notion that if I could just make it to 6 months, then everything would magically and miraculously be ok again. Like the grief switch would get turned off. This must have been some sort of coping mechanism initially but what it set up was a spectacular crash. I took my daughter to Paris for 2 weeks with friends right around 6 months. I was not ok but I was functioning. But I will never, ever forget the moment we walked back into this empty house and I was standing on our porch thinking, "Holy shit. This is it. I am actually going to have to do this." And then the crash and it was not pretty. Our culture - and many of my then friends here in suburbia and my parents - all thought there was an expiration date on grieving. Six months and shazzam! Its all over now! I definitely proved them wrong on that one. It took me another eight months or so to pull myself together. By 18 months, I was starting - starting - to see a light at the end of the tunnel, starting to sort some of it out. Be kind to yourself. I expected and demanded way too much of myself and in the end paid for it dearly. You're going to find your way. Christine

Your post resonated with me. I'm now stressfully, happily remarried to a widower I met on the old board just over four years ago. For the first couple of years we were together, we were doing not just long distance but trans-Atlantic/time difference long distance. I spent a whole lot of time conjuring up worst case scenarios and waiting for the other shoe to drop, working myself up into paranoid frenzies, even though he never gave me any reason to think that way. I couldn't help it. After what I'd been through, it took me a long, long time to be able to trust in anything again - not just him but anything at all. For me, treating it all like a marathon and not a sprint was hard but it was the right thing to do. It gave me time to work through some of those irrational feelings. Also, communication, communication, communication! I grew up in a pretty unforgiving communicationless house so this does not come easy for me but that's what has gotten us through so far. Good on you for asking him about it. Our minds can play sneaky tricks on us - most of the time, just asking resolves it, and mostly for the better. Christine

That must be very hard; I can understand how upended you felt upon realizing all of this. That being said, I would probably just leave it be. I am not sure you will get the comfort or closure you're looking for from the college. I say this as a widow who set up two of those kinds of scholarships and also as a jaded member of a university community. Stuff like this used to drive me BAT SHIT CRAZY. My husband was something of a figure in this town at one time because of his "provocative" artwork. About 3 years after he died, my sister in law took an image of one of his sculptures and made it the logo for her consignment store that she named "Resurrected Consignments" (do not even get me started on that). I wasn't asked, no one considered I might not want an image of that sculpture emblazoned everywhere, nor frankly would my husband have wanted his sculpture to be used to advertise for used clothing or anything else for that matter.....I was irate at the time but I let it wash over me and let it go. Its still there, that sign with his sculpture, over her store. I just don't drive down that street. I just do not engage it. I will certainly never set foot in there. Her issues, not mine. In the end I just decided it wasn't worth it. More than you asked for but my 2 cents. Hugs.

Thank you for all of your replies. Makes me feel a little less unhinged to know its normal to feel a little unhinged even now. Twin_Mom, this will be our first Christmas at home. I have avoided it for five years in one way or another but this year we're doing it because it is only reasonable for my 10 year old to finally have a Christmas at home with her Mom and "new Dad." I'm already bracing for whatever emotions this might bring up but am hoping that new memories will supersede whatever weird nostalgia/triggers could emerge. I hope you have a peaceful day tomorrow. xo

Captain's wife - I so get this; I wasn't married very long either. Yesterday, we had a meeting to renew my daughter's special ed plan. She's doing so well ever since I got these accommodations in place for her. She's happy and doing so much better in school. The principal and her teachers were effusive about what a polite, thoughtful, empathetic child she is, and I felt the tears coming on. Scott should have been there, too. He would have been embarrassingly, ostentatiously proud! I managed not to cry but I definitely had the lump in my throat; I felt the weight of everything that's happened and everything that no longer is. That doesn't happen very often anymore but it is still very much there. Lots of love to you all. I get it.

Thought I'd try reviving this thread. What's your favorite "wid lit"? Mine are (in this order; the first two are memoirs and the third a novel): Elizabeth Alexander, The Light of the World Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking and Colm Toibin, Nora Webster

I hope you wake up today feeling a bit more grounded. What you describe is something very familiar to me and I think it is in some way simply a natural consequence of the passage of time. At 15 months, I was just starting to come out of the deep fog I was in for that first year or so and while some days things felt like they were leveling out a little bit, other days it all just felt so surreal and strange. I remember thinking over and over again, "Everything around me looks the same but nothing is the same at all anymore." (ie. because he's gone) It took a long time to get used to that. I tried not to think about it in terms of letting go but rather making peace with it. That helped me with some of the transitions through grief over these last few years. Take care, Christine

This is a hard time of year for me. It's hard to explain. I was very very pregnant with my daughter when my husband's mother died at this time of year. It did and still does cast a shadow over everything at this time of year. Fast forward a few years later and we were gearing up to bury my husband. He held on longer than he wanted to. He knew he was going to die from this time in November in 2012 but he held on - for reasons I'll never know - until February. I will never know how he died. I never even asked!? From early November into the first days of February, we all lived his death. But I lived so much of it in silence. The falls, the ambulances, alarms on his bed going off, the screaming child, the sleepless nights, blindness, over to the top religiosity, steroid driven accusations; then when he went into a coma, the vigils at hospice, getting kicked out of hospice and hospitals time and again because he wouldn't die fast enough, my going to work every day pretending like this wasn't happening, passing out from exhaustion in my child's bed. And then he died and what happened after that. I'm ok now, but my god the things that were never said, never told. It still has a hold on me at this time of year. I don't really remember him now. We were only together 9 years - two plus of them were brain cancer themed. Vignettes of happy times; searing images of terrible things. The good times seem shrouded by what happened. I have a new life now and wouldn't trade it for the world but sometimes I want to reach back into the past and say, "I did everything you asked me to do so WHY DOES IT STILL HURT?" This will make no sense to anyone but me most likely but I have to get it off my chest. Today was hard.

I know what you mean about November. My husband didn't die until February but it was in early November that I realized, "This is it." And the trauma started and lasted until February 3, two days after his 50th birthday on Feb 1. Incredibly, I find this time of year to be much, much harder than the actual anniversaries. The weather changes, we change the clocks, my garden dies. Today it is really windy and the leaves are whipping everywhere and I feel edgy for no reason at all except I know what the reason is - for me, I know it makes no sense, he died when I realized the battle was over and it was just a matter of time. This time of year always brings me back to that moment of realization. Hugs to you.

One good thing: one of the refugees from Eritrea who stayed with us when he arrived in the US last December is coming home from the residential school he attends to spend his first Thanksgiving in America with Andy, M and me. He is doing so well and I can't wait to share the holiday with him and celebrate. It will also be the first Thanksgiving Andy, M and I have ever spent together. Grateful, excited and is it too early to start cooking?!

I think it is implied that the couple decides together. What I meant is that the rest of your families - if the two of you want to do something else - will deal. We chose to go off and do it ourselves - no kids, no family - but then with the big party we had, we let all three of our children have some more input and more active participation. That's what worked for us. I invited Scott's Dad though I knew he wouldn't come. We said no gifts, some of my relatives brought them anyway. We told my mother only middle eastern food, she brought a tray of macaroni and cheese from Costco anyway. But for the most part we did it our way and those little things meant nothing in the end. The important thing is to enjoy it, whatever "it" turns out to look like!

Now that we're remarried we have doubled the number of grandparents/in-laws and as we're both widowed there's the late spouse component as well x two. We have confused people time and again with not only which grandparents/in-laws we're referring to but also with talking about our late spouses. Our late spouses' parents are a big part of our lives so this comes up often. I have always preferred to default to in-laws rather than get into explaining. If I didn't, I'd get into things like "we're spending Christmas with Andy's late wife's parents" and stuff like that. In-laws just keeps it simple. With Scott's Dad, I just refer to him most often as "M's grandfather" --- that also usually eliminates getting into it. Over time, I cared less about these things though at first it all struck me as so strange and surreal.

We went to the courthouse and then had a really nice meal, went out for some drinks and told everyone we met we had just tied the knot, spent the night in a B&B nearby - that was in February. It was great! There were visa/green card considerations so we wanted to do it as soon as we had permission. We had a big back yard party for anyone who wanted to come in July. My best friends are spread out from TX to NC to Philadelphia to Boston but they all came the day or two before and we had a little party just with the besties the night before the big party and they helped us on the day of to pull it off. My daughter had a gaggle of kids here for the party and a pinata and both of Andy's kids were here from England. We do a lot of work with refugees so we had the party catered with homemade foods made by refugees. It was great! Do what you want to. It is your marriage. People will have to deal. Just mho. Happy for you, fellow GBM traveler. xoxoxox

imissdow! You did it! So proud of you. You know, Scott died and I thought I had to be this fierce feminist Mommy and "do it all, all of the time." I turned out to be a grumpy, exhausted Mommy who did nothing well and who complained constantly about her job. That wasn't the ultimate catalyst for my resignation (that is a whole other story) but it sure did become a factor. If I want to raise a healthy, happy young woman, I need to be one myself (well, maybe not the young part anymore). I had to take some control. xoxoxox

I finally did it. I quit my job. I'm walking away from tenure, security and a life I have been living since I was 22 (am now 45) when I decided being a professor was what I wanted. Everything I did was to get me to into the job I've had for the last 15 years. Its done now though. I can't believe it took me this long in some ways and I can't believe I had it in me to walk away (no one ever walks away from a job like mine) but I did at six am this morning after a confluence of episodes and sleepless nights that pushed me over the edge. Maybe I should have done it a long time ago, I don't know, but its done now. HOLY SHIT, I QUIT MY JOB. You all will probably be hearing more about this in coming days but right now I am just in a state of shock that I actually had the courage to do it.

Rob---- sending you so much love and understanding across the miles. There kind of aren't words beyond that, I think. As for all of our girls, they're going to be better than fine in the long run --- they have us as parents, after all. Be kind to yourself today and always. xoxoxox Christine

Worst mood ever lately. Maybe this will help... 1) My garden is still somehow producing even in November. Cabbage, brussels sprouts, kale, broccoli and collards! 2) Taking our 11 year old down to Philly tonight to see our longtime favorite singer-songwriter, Josh Ritter, and have dinner with one of my favorite former students from the early 2000s. Grateful my daughter still wants to hang out with me! For now... 3) There are 4.5 weeks left in this miserable semester at my miserable job (ok, misery isn't really a good thing but a break from it in 4.5 weeks is).

It is your marriage. Do it the way you want to do it. It might not make everyone happy but if it makes you happy, that is the only thing that matters. Congratulations!

Hi there, I've been wanting to respond to this thread again for a while but just couldn't find the time or the words. This year in some ways should have been the best but somehow its been the worst. The election happened and that was hard for me; every day what is going on remains hard for me because I feel like everything I value, the rock upon which I have built my own life and was building my daughter's life, no longer feels solid. Agree with me or not, that is my reality. It has shaken the already shaky equilibrium I have built these last five years. My husband didn't die until February 2013 but by October 2012 we started a long slog to death. I think I'm still pretty traumatized by it. This time of year is always hard for that reason, too; it always feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop like the end of 2012. My reality is that I never got a break. I maybe could have figured out a way to take one, to figure some of this shit out, but I was a wreck and couldn't think straight for a long time and no one stepped in and said, "Hey, maybe you need to take some time to figure this out." It was my job to "get normal" and keep moving and "get on with it" for the child, so that's what I did and now I think I am paying for it dearly. And so are the people I love - I am making them miserable. One of the reasons your post resonated with me is that - and this is hard for me to admit - I am deeply, deeply unhappy. A lot of it has to do with knowing that my career is over, wanting to move on to do what I know I want to do but I am trapped, for now, for an indeterminate period of time. I have to hold the insurance until a time comes when my husband can take over and I can change my career trajectory (I married a widower I met here who is not American and who still doesn't have a green card so he can't work. I would never have chosen otherwise but it is stressful for me to be the only one earning and to be working just to carry everyone's insurance and while I know it is temporary and an investment in our long term plan, its just plan hard). Anyway, I'm getting off track... I get myself so stressed out that I eventually freak out and melt down and it is never pretty. I'm so conditioned to hold it all together - I feel like for 7 years that is what I have been doing and I hold it in and hold it in and hold it in until it all comes out in a deeply unpleasant torrent that makes everyone unhappy, myself included. I know therapy would help but I'm not motivated, I don't want to spend the money, and I am not sure there's time while also knowing if there's anything I should make time for it is that. I don't even know what to call the place I am in but the best way I can describe it is invisible. It was supposed to be getting better but its not. Last night we went to the movies. After we went to a bar down the street that I used to go to all the time in my old life; it was where we all went after my late husband's memorial, in fact. I've been there many times with Andy (my now husband) but not for many, many months. It completely set me off. I did not want to be there. I did not want to see the staff who know me from my old life. I was expecting to know some people there but I didn't know anyone anymore. I just completely freaked out. Cannot explain it. I totally took all of my anger and resentment and feelings of failure about my career and the weird isolation being back in that bar where I felt not like a regular any longer but like a relic out on Andy for absolutely no reason. It was like my equilibrium is so fragile that, with some "liquid courage," it all just came apart in an instant. I don't like admitting this but its true and it happens too often. I may not be making much sense here, which would be apt because nothing seems to make sense to me right now. I was supposed to be feeling settled and grounded. Married, child is doing great, we're finally on the same continent. But that is not the case for me. I am f*cking miserable and I do not know how to fix it. It reminds me of a Langston Hughes poem called "Final Curve." "When you turn the corner and run into yourself, then you know you've turned all the corners that are left." Sorry for the rant. All I really meant to say is that I am struggling, too, and also feel isolated. I pick fights with the person I love the most and I do not know why. I don't have the answers but I do understand. Christine

Hi. I decided to take a break from this board a while ago but I have continued to read. Your post prompted me to sign up again so that I could respond. A lot of what you say resonates with me more than I would like it to and more than I want to admit. I'm also on the same time frame. I also have a lot of fear that sometimes translates as anger. I fear I will die; he will die. It is not something I've been able to shake; I live with that fear ALL OF THE TIME. I should go to counseling again. I want to write more because I am at a place where I know I need some help. I know I am making people in my life unhappy; I am unhappy and I am scared. I'm searching for words that aren't political bc I know this forum is meant to be apolitical but what is happening in our country is affecting my ability to function, personally and professionally. I hope that's not too controversial to say. Right now I have to take a 10 year old trick or treating but I will write more soon. I wanted you to know, though, that your post helped me realize that I need to talk more, that I need a community to help me keep moving through this. Sending you no answers but a lot of love and empathy. Christine