Anni

Hello, Sorry this is so late a reply. After my trip out to Berkeley and the start of my new job, I have not been on here until now. I know where Sawmill Rd. is located. Right now I am working M-F for the next few weeks and then my normal schedule Sunday - Thursday. I will try to check back this weekend to see if you have also. I would like to meet others in the Columbus area that find themselves in this unwanted club. Anni

Hello, I wish someone had given me "a widow's guide to healing" by Meekhof & Windell during the first few weeks. It has helped me greatly. Anni

Hello, Sorry you had to join this club, but you are welcome here since you are his widow. While Minh and I was not together long, we found our soulmates but were not married. I also had to watch his family take over and make the choices he would have wanted me to make or even those he wanted. He would also be upset that his ex is handling the estate, but that is because she is the mother of minor children. I have been luckier since she considers me the widow while the rest of family would never ever consider me family even if had married. I have saved many things that I know the kids would want when they got older, but since I had to relocate to another state, could not save everything I wanted. Since he left nothing in writing, his ex and I have been working together to get the loose ends together. I offered and she welcomed since of her high powered job. It has been almost 5 months and while I didn't believe it, life is getting back to a new normal. It will never be the old one. You just have to figure out how you can put the new normal together and it is your time table. Do what you have to do to keep yourself going. No road map that someone else used will work for you. I was told when you see someone thru death, being legal doesn't really matter. If you feel like the widow, you are. You loved him and he loved you as much as his disease let him while he was in the throws of it. His choices caused your time together to be less. So did mine but it was more not following doctor's orders until he realized that if he had we would have had more time together but you can take back 10 years. Love doesn't end when breath does and I have learned that. It has taken that love to get me this far, and I hope you will feel it also to help you Anni

Hello, An update. I am living in Galloway, OH now. I will be starting my job next Tuesday, but have to fly out to San Fransisco for Minh's memorial service. I don't know about you, it seems to take longer to unpack the older you get. Anni

Hello, Not the old normal, but there will be a new normal that will feel unreal for too long. I am 4 months out of losing Minh and it has gotten easier living in the new normal that I didn't want but are forced to now live. We all mourn in our own way. I have his pictures up in my new apartment and even have "his" side of the bed set up as he always did. I didn't have him very long, but the bond between us reaches across so I find him supporting me. I have had to move out of state for a new job so everything in my life is a new normal. Your daughter is also hurting, but she will be there to help mom as you help her. Let her see you at your worst and both of you can give each other support. It might take months or years, but you have to do it your way. Tears helps more than you know.

Thank you for this. It is beautifully said. I wish I could copy some of and put it on my Facebook page since some think because they have lost someone they loved dearly like a close friend, a sibling or parent they understand what it means to lose your soulmate, or the other half of you. While that does hurt because I have been thru all 3, nothing compared to soul tearing hurt of losing Minh.

So sorry about your lost since losing your soul mate hurts more than you think you could ever hurt and makes you feel you will never get rid of that hurt. But you have to find a way to cope with this new way of life to just keep going and everyone has their own way. I am 3 months out and coping has helped most days, but others are just too painful. Getting back to work will help fill the hours that pain would fill. Go slow are any changes and I will keep you in the light. Anni

Hello, After having gone thru seeing the man I loved early having his heart suddenly stop, I understand the shock that hits you. Having to survive the month in the hospital only to lose him only adds to your shock. I went thru about the same thing but I was the one that had to decide the let Minh go after the 4 attempt to keep the heart going. He had gotten a virus 12 years earlier that went to the heart and caused damage that lead to hospitalization 8 months into our relationship. My shock lasted for a while and still I keep thinking if I had done many things different to get his doctor team to do just the little stuff different, he might still be with me. This is the week of the anniversary of us finding each other on the dating site and having our 1st date. It is healing instead of upsetting because I got to have that amazing man in my life. I found my soulmate. I still tear up too much, but when I do I can fell Minh near giving me strength to go on. I am not too buggy about living now, but I have to make my life work again. I don't have any children to build a life around, so it will be back to being the career woman I was before Minh now that I have found a new job again. Grieve your own way. Do what makes you feel better. I wear his cloths that fit, have lots of pictures. I am now living with my best friend who lost her partner 4 years ago and she tells me not to do either. She just put his stuff away. That what made her feel better, but I am not her. Welcome to our club that none of us wanted to be. Reach out when you need. Anni

I have been told the same thing by those who are my age - 55 or older. I asked my younger sorority sisters and friends. They said yes I am a widow. At first, I was uncomfortable saying it, but when a very supportive poster on this site told me that I saw Minh thru the hospitalization and thru death, doing that made me a widow. It didn't matter it was just 9 months after we met and 6 weeks after I moved in, it was the loving relationship that we both told other was long term and permanent that counts. I have started not let what others say effect me. I am a widow in my heart, soul, and body. Modern idea of one, but isn't the younger generations getting the world more correct for everyone, not just the select few. I am now comfortable telling people I am a widow of almost 3 months. If others have a problem with that, it is their problem. Please take a hug from me and me telling you, yes you are his widow.

I made it through the holidays and survived. I was out eating at one of our favorite places yesterday and the person next to me and I got talking. She lost her husband of 48 years after a 44 day hospital stay recently. We talked about being there in the hospital 24/7, how bad it got at times, and how the holidays got to us, but we also talked about the good memories that are helping us forget those bad times. Talking to her gave me more help than I have gotten except from here. We understood us other because we shared the worst that life have done, taking away the love of our lives. Part of a sisterhood no one wants to be in. I needed that because my best friend who lost her partner was telling me that I needed to move on now. She put everything away a month after his death and here I was going thru things to organize pictures, and items of his. I shouldn't be wearing his clothes that I do. She meant well and is worried about me since no one that has know me have ever seen me thrown off so much. But I am not her, and that lady in the restaurant supported me in doing my way. This coming week is the anniversaries of Minh and I finding each other on the dating site and then 2 days later our 1st date. Tears are in the back of eyes, but smile on the face. Heart is starting to heal some just knowing that I am the lucky one last year to find him and us falling in love. Worth the hurt of fall.

It seems that once I moved out of the condo we shared, the more bad days are happening. I read in a story behind a famous Christmas story that the writer use to say this " I am just tired of living" after the death of his favorite daughter. I am using that more and more. I know once I start my new job it should get better, but the hole left in my life after Minh died is so huge. I lost a career of 16 years due to a lay off, I have moved twice with most of stuff now in storage, I had to give away my cat, and Minh's death just added to the list. I have survived much in my life, so this is survivable, but I have lost the will and faith for the 1st time in my life. Maybe it is just the holidays.

Thank you Mike. I may have grown up in Highland county (that is where most of my family lives) but I have lived in big cities since grad school or a larger town than London so I would prefer the suburbs. I have learned to eat lots of Asian foods in the last year and like other ethnic foods also. I use to drive 20 miles one way to work so that would not be a problem. I am alone now. I am even leaving my 13 year old cat with a friend since he has been under some stress and would not move well. I had to have back surgery in May and since Biggie was 19lbs. he was over my lifting wight limit. With a layoff and moving in with Minh right before his hospitalization, I have not had Biggie since May. Hope the holidays were not too rough for you.

Hello, I should be moving to the area in late January to take a job as the librarian in London, OH correctional institution. I would like to meet others in the same boat I find myself. Grew up in Ohio and went to Wilmington College, but lived in Michigan for 30 years. Need suggestions about a good place to live either in London or western suburbs of Columbus.

Minh an I was together about 10 months and only lived together about 2 weeks when he was hospitalized. We were together in the hospital almost 32 days with me in the room with him at night except when he was 24 hr dialysis in the ICU. He was Asian so even if we were married, I still will not be family to his family since I am not Asian. I got to speak at the funeral and put the last rose into the grave. He is buried in the family plot 2000 miles from me. I did keep some of his ashes. We were soulmates and deeply loved each other even before the hospital, but that bonding us deeply. He would have been alone most of the time and died alone with just hospital staff but I had come into his life when I needed to be there. His ex wife has been the one that treated me as family. She even invited me to join her and their 12 year old twins for Thanksgiving din sum. She is also not Asian. She let me take things from the condo that I wanted and has been very supportive. We had to become a team during Minh's long hospitalization. I have become very comfortable saying I am a widow. One of the members told me that since I saw him to and thru his death, I am one. How do I cope. I wear his clothes that does fit, even his high tech jockey underwear that he use to tell me how comfortable they were. I have his cell phone (his ex joined me to say since he gave it to me , it is mine) and do some Yelp posts that the people who follow him enjoy. I am making a memory book of his time before me since I was the one that got to go thru his things to sort them out. But it seem that lately, 2 months out, I have just tired of living. I had to move out of the condo and may have to take a job away from this area since I have been unemployed since a few weeks before he was in the hospital. That is hurting so much, since I have been the one handling his mail and it feels like I am losing him again. That is my story. We were 2 career people who put our careers 1st during our 1st marriages and finally found the person who we loved so much they came 1st.

Hello, thank you for your kind words. I am learning that support comes in the strangest places. When Minh was in the hospital and I was running home every few days to get cloths washed and repacked, a manger of a local Speedway gave me a few free fountain drinks when he hear what was wrong. He even asked about him and hugged me when he died. Kindness of strangers really help. Anni

Thank you for your kind words. Funny thing is that his ex wife gets it. She invited me to a Thanksgiving lunch with their twins at our favorite dim sum place. She knew I was going to be alone since I have no family in the state. She saw us together after he woke up (I didn't meet her until he coded and had to call her to bring the kids just in case) but we forged a good working relationship. She saw me at the worst and understood the love involved as I cried that he might not make it thru both "hell" days he survived to even wake up whole again. I supported her decisions when to bring the twins to visit since they have been overwhelmed by previous hospital stays before I met him. I seems that the younger you are, the more accepting of the idea of being a widow without the legal work, but my age and older seems to not. But that is how I feel and I know Minh would be touched to have others understand that he would also feel that I am. Anni

Thank you for posting that. I know I am not the only one, but never thought I would be so affected this way. I have never let anyone as close as I let Minh. Just wished for more time, even if it was only a few more months.

Hello, I wonder if I should even be included. While the letter of the law would consider me just the significant other, time running out is the real reason. After meeting Minh on a dating site in January, we got seriously quickly and found our soulmates the second time around. Two career people who put the career 1st during our 1st marriages, we found a reason not to do that. I even moved in with him in August as we talked about how we were long term and permanent. He had a bad heart for years and I accepted that, but on September 6th, I had to take him to the ER. That was a start of a 32 day hospital stay. I was there 24/7 since for the 1st time in my life I was unemployed. We bonded even more the 1st 12 day, but day 13 was the start for his battle of life. Coded too many times with me in or just out of the room, sedated 5 days with a rough 3 day wake up. I stood next to his bed holding his hand for most of it. But he let me know after he woke up how much he loved me in so many ways. Even the staff knew that he did much better if I was there. The bond deepen beyond what I thought was possible. He told me he would live as long as he could for me. While it looked like he was going to make it, he suddenly took a turn for the worst and died on October 8th. I had to be the one to allow CPR to stop and deal with organ donation, but had to stand aside on funeral plans. He had a strong will to live, he had out lived what doctors predicted by 2 - 4 years - I found that out after he died. But his uncle told me that I was the reason he talked about the future after years of not. I had a strong will to live also but now I don't. Not that I am not going to actually do anything to actively stop living, but don't feel like doing anything to prevent my health problems getting much worst. I have also out lived what many doctors thought. Always thought about the future, but can't now. Does this feeling ever go away? I am rebuilding my life - looking for work and got another place to live since his condo will be sold for his kids college fund. I was allowed to live there for 2 months and will be moving at the beginning of December. But all I want to be on the same side of the divide as him. Any advice??