Mizpah

Yay!  F the haters!  Let yourself enjoy it!  Big hugs.  Yay!

Then we spend an entire day in distress. Not so much fighting as disagreeing and dealing with some of her emotional baggage and my response to that.

It doesn't sound like cold feet, or spurred by a timeline, but by this.  Is there something that consistently causes these kinds of days?  Maybe finding the pattern can help you both avoid behaviors or statements that bring on her insecurities (if that's what it is she's struggling with).  Or maybe you're saying this isn't something you're interested in working on.  I'm in a relationship that is difficult at times - just like you describe, things are wonderful and then an upsetting emotional incident/disconnect.  I think if everyone has compassion, communication and a will to betterment, it can improve.  I wish I could say that I think that if it requires work, then it's not "meant to be," but I think once you're past a certain age or experience level (different for each person), it's not simple like, "I like you!  Everything is good and we're meant to be!," or "We have struggles, therefore we're not meant to be."  Is it her that is giving you second thoughts, or is it these distress days, or is it a connection you're just not feeling?  I think identifying to yourself what exactly is going on could help.  You saying that a breakup would devastate her seems to indicate that perhaps you want out but feel guilty....  Or maybe you just don't like dealing with difficulty but love her.  No one knows but you.  I'm babbling.  Maybe totally missing the point. 

Edited to add: I just read back (oh, stalking!), and it seems you've had reservations for months now.  Don't ignore your gut.  Examine it.  IMHO.  That's what I would do. 

wtf

I never had any faith to lose, but if you like to read you should check out "The Case for God" by Karen Armstrong.  I loved it.  (DH believed in Gd and I didn't/don't, and it was one of the topics we read on together.)  It offers a huge historical perspective, as well as (I think) a broadened idea of the concept of Gd.  (I also read "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," by a rabbi about his struggles with faith after the death of his young son following a short life of illness and suffering.  His struggles sound similar to yours.)

Back to say I was just thinking about the subject title of your post, *overcoming* vulnerability.  I don't really want to overcome it.  The ability to be vulnerable is part of being human and a big important part of being in a real relationship.  I think it's more about choosing the right person to allow ourselves to be/appear vulnerable to.  For me, a big problem in my relationship is that HE's not vulnerable, that he doesn't seem to know how to BE vulnerable.  I want to be able to be vulnerable, and trust that that vulnerability will be appreciated and protected.  More theoretical ramblings and I'm out for now

While I was reading your post, the word "predator" kept running through my head.  He pursued you selfishly and treated you terribly in your lowest time.  I'm so sorry.  I don't believe everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that certain people and experiences serve a purpose.  Maybe this guy helped distract you and give you good feelings when you needed it most.  I don't know.  It's terrible to have more pain on top of the most unbearable pain.  I wish we could take away the hurt.  It's one of those unfortunate lessons that, with some people in this world, we have to watch out for ourselves, because the people who should often don't.  Ugh.  Thinking of you and sending big hugs. 

So many thoughts.  I don't think anniegirl is wrong, but I do think that's a simplified version.  There are so many elements that are person-specific, and I'm sure there are some that can have to do with being widowed.  I know, for me, I'm now much more saddened by endings.  If someone doesn't die, why should people who love each other be apart and miss each other?  It's not a good impulse, when the thing ending is in some way unhealthy or not working.  I've found, since being widowed, that I'm awesome and strong at being alone, but extremely sensitive when it comes to relationships.  Part of it has to do with thinking it's a waste of time to have walls up, to be self-protective.  I think also, after losing our loves, you miss it so much that when you have that beginning that feels so good, you think of that beginning for a long time even once the reality has become so different.  It seems inconceivable that something so wonderful could fall so far short.  Also, there are a lot of people out there who ARE emotionally crippled, but in the easy exciting beginning, don't seem that way, not until reality hits and real life reveals who people really are, or who people are under strain.  Also, being widowed made me realize - if both people are alive, there can be reason to hope for betterment.  Again, not the most healthy impulse in the wrong context/relationship, though theoretically/hypothetically true.  I think even for non-widowed people, it's often hard to distinguish between a difficult relationship that is worth it (because lots of worthwhile relationships hit bumps, and people with baggage... have baggage, though they may be worthwhile partners) and a relationship that is unhealthy and should end.  I'm in one that is (I hope/believe) the former.  I think we forgive ourselves (for all things, not just this) by heeding the lesson from the experience, whatever that lesson may be, and carrying it into our next experience.  You may not know the lesson until, in your next experience, something clicks  for you and falls into place and makes something clear....  ???

Just some random ramblings on your topic.  I'm proud of you for coming to see clearly and for breaking free. 

I try to focus daily on the fact that I was able to experience a love like ours, that we have amazing children, and that we didn't take each other for granted.

Keep this habit like a mantra.  It is a dark, dark road for some time, so keep turning to the light (inside you and in the world) whenever you can.  Sending tons of support from 4+ years out.  This is a place where you can say it all to people who truly, deeply get it - though therapy helped me a ton too, because I wanted to talk about him all the time in real life (I also filled several journals with jotted notes about him - memories, characteristics, mannerisms, phrases, everything I could possibly think of that made him him).  Try to focus on the here and now as much as possible - long-term future thinking will paralyze and crumble you right now, in my experience/opinion.  Keep on bearing the unbearable.  I wish you bits of solace and comfort every day.  Sending love. 

If you have the time and means to take a vacation somewhere sunny or meaningful to you (or both), I highly recommend it.  I know it's different for everyone, but I went on a trip at about the 2-year mark and it brought me back to life. Who knows if it would help you, but it did me.  That aside, thinking of you and wishing for betterment for you.

That beautiful, healthy, fit 27 year old man is not coming back.

It's inconceivable, and it is nearly unbearable to be left in a world without him.  I understand this sentiment so well (my happy, healthy, beautiful man was 28).  It's so hard.  Sending hugs and love from 4+ years out. 

I'm so sorry.  Breakups hurt so much. 

Edited to add: but it sounds like you completely did the right thing.  Very smart move. 

Edited again to add that DH once said to me that not only would he never hurt me (he meant cheat), but that he'd never even give me reason to worry that he would.  That is a man.  Even if this guy isn't doing anything wrong (unlikely?), he's given you reason to worry that he is. 

Your relationship with him is yours, and not theirs to interfere with.  I'm so sorry this is happening. 

Is it like this because  I have been so damn independent for 8 years with my kids??

I think the answer is yes.  It's not what you're accustomed to.  And, whether we like it or not, money dynamics feel like power dynamics, even when they're not.  It's hard for an independent woman (or man, I'm sure) to receive from someone, even when it means nothing more, even when it's freely given, even when there are objectively logical reasons why it's totally fine.  Money is psychological in so many ways. 

^^^ same

I'm with a widower.  When we first got together, he told me that his late fiancee's family and/or friends (I can't remember which or both now) wanted him to be alone forever and were upset by his dating or sleeping with people.  On the one hand, this of course is silly and awful.  But I kind of get the deeper down feeling that prompts this kind of unpleasant behavior/statement.  I think the people who loved DH/DW just want to feel like that person is supremely loved and missed.  I think some see recoupling as a premature stoppage of our loving and paying tribute to that person. 

When I met my boyfriend's late fiancee's sister, she told me that she was so relieved, that I was nothing like her sister - maybe she'd felt he was trying to replace her, but seeing as I was so different, she realized that a new relationship (at least with someone so different) wasn't a "replacement."  They will like her, and if they don't, it's not her they're not liking - it's that DW is gone.  You know this.  I'm just stating the obvious. 

As for younger/thinner, I think it's a sensitive topic for many women for various reasons - men's tendency (perceived or actual) to "go for" much younger women.  And of course, everyone wants to think their loved one was the best, most beautiful, most extraordinary in every way. 

(His late fiancee's family has extremely graciously welcomed me and treat me with so much love.  They were not at all excited to have to meet me, that I existed, but they came around immediately.  Maybe these people will too.)

I'm tired of being told that I'm strong, but even more tired of the "you should..." which is what this has become. I'm happy you are all better, more zen, more sincere, more whatever than I.

Sorry - not at all what was intended.  Didn't mean to upset/offend, was just talking on the topic.

Sometimes, life kicks our asses; other times, it gives us unexpected gifts.

I say it this way: "Life is brutal and beautiful."  And everything in between. 

Happy anniversary!  I've always loved your clarity, honesty and self-awareness.  I'm really happy for you in your new life, even with all its complexities. 

You don't need my advice or insight, but I do believe that blending takes a ton of time, and acceptance of the fact that there will always be concentric rings - the inner circle, the next innermost circle, etc., etc., and it's ok as long as everyone feels loved and valued and treated fairly.  Simpler in words than reality.  Anyway, just wanted to say happy anniversary!  xoxoxo

If my life is empty, then it's up to me to fill it somehow. I've got to make a life I can tolerate, something more than work and family obligation.

 

So what if no one ever wants me? I have to want myself, since I'm the one who's stuck with me. I'm tired of being miserable and lonely. I'm still me, and there used to be a fair few things I liked about myself. They must still be in there somewhere.

 

I can't change what's happened to me. I can find another way to define myself, though. I guess that's my new task. Or maybe it's been the same one all along.

I got happy-teary reading this.  Even if you backslide, even if you backslide significantly and for a while, don't forget this.  There's your internal compass!  Covered up for a long time by sadness and tears, but still there.  Feeling your sorrow genuinely allows you to feel hope and drive genuinely, that's my opinion.  I'm really happy for you, for this moment that you had.  Sending lots of love and support. 

I never saw it that way.  To me, feeling nothing is the easiest thing and takes no strength whatsoever.  To me, strength is suffering and hurting so badly and yet living in a way that would make them proud - valuing life, loving people, remaining engaged, facing the loss head-on and letting yourself feel honestly, not giving in to bitterness and self-pity, being genuine and, for me, keeping in mind always the wonderful example of my DH - his values and his love of life, his huge huge heart. 

To live in the face of total devastation and fear IS strength.  It's not strong to be unafraid.  It's strong to be afraid and also graceful.  Just my opinion though. 

I think we get very defensive over the "DGI" thing.  I think sometimes we should just accept credit where credit is due.  Honestly, I think you all ARE strong and I DON'T know how you do it, and I think it is a compliment to you. 

This never bothered me the way it bothers most widows.  I feel like - yes.  Yes, I am.  And I don't know how I do it either. 

I don't delude myself that anyone will ever want me

I don't know you, but this was like a punch to the gut to read, just as a fellow woman I think.  I'm so sad reading this.  You thought pretty highly of your man, no?, and he must've thought you were pretty awesome, awesome enough to spend his life with.  I wish you could see you through his eyes, or through ours.  I hope one day you will.  I want to grab you and shake you and yell, "Noooooo!"  Sending love.  You're a strong beautiful warrior woman!

I get the ring as validation or a way to legitimate ourselves in our society.  Taking it off is being stripped, as we were by their deaths.  I felt naked and conspicuous for a long time without mine, and it took a long time to get rid of the habit of rubbing and spinning it. 

Edited to add that I took mine off seconds after saying to myself in my head that I never ever want to take it off.  Our minds and hearts (and actions) are mysteries. 

For me, active grieving is when mourning was my life and my thoughts always, it was a hibernation, when I felt closer to the dead than I felt myself in the land of the living.  It used to be completely inconceivable to me that he was dead.  Now it's hard for me to tell which is more inconceivable: that he's dead, or that he ever existed at all.  It's a product of time, yes, but there's something more it takes, and that something more is different for everyone - an event or just a gradual process.  IMHO

(Lawyer here)  Though  many/most are similar/the same in what they require, each state has its own requirements.  Some states require witnesses (who will not be beneficiaries of the estate) to your signature.  Make sure you know what your state requires before assuming your will, even if handwritten, will be honored. 

There is nothing special or magical about 366 days.  It's quality, not quantity, and by this I mean the quality of your love for her and your missing her.  Seeing someone new doesn't mean you're done missing and loving her - you'll do that forever.  I firmly believe that everything that has to do with our DHs/DWs occurred BEFORE their death.  Yes, it's beautiful and important to pay tribute to them, but I don't think we do so by holding fast to rules and regulations, those imposed by others, society or even ourselves.  Maybe you gave yourself a clear path to help you survive.  Your DW loved you for who you were, and what is happening naturally in your life, it's good.  If you think you're not ready because you're still deeply grieving, that's one thing, but it seems more like you're worried about breaking a rule.  F it!  I wasn't ready until 15 months out - and even then I had to force myself to date, against my will.  I was truly ready around 2 years.  I met my current boyfriend and father of my daughter when he was less than a year out.  He wasn't ready but wanted to be, and he'd been seeing women before me - knowing him as I do now, I know this means NOTHING about his love for his late fiancee.  He loved her more than he will ever be able to love anyone, I believe.  I'm babbling.  We pay tribute to our DH/DW and their love for life by living ours, I believe that.   

(Also, I don't consider going on a lunch date getting carried away!  Be easy on yourself.)

I love every word of this - you took us along with you, finally getting to your realization and current spot.  I'm so glad you have the partnership of a good man.  I imagine that many of our DHs and DWs would want for us just what you described.  So glad for you.