PaulZ

I think you've handled this well Captain's Wife, while still keeping an eye that he doesn't want to go to heaven before his natural time on Earth is over. My daughter was 12 when my wife passed away, and we are not very religious, but we both know there is a spiritual world and that my wife is watching over us (in a good way). She has reached out to friends through mediums in a way that leaves us no doubt of this. My daughter and I feel closer to her at home than in a Church or at her grave.

The holiday season can be a tough time. I struggled hard y first one, had tears streaming down my face in church on Christmas Eve. Having friends and family around helped me a lot, but I couldn't enjoy it. It is certainly better now, this will be my fourth Xmas since my wife passed, and I can enjoy the holidays again, but have some sad moments and thoughts mixed in. The first year, survival is a good way to put it. Hugs

I don't think anything good can come from letting them know, and as you said, plenty of potential problems. If they haven't tried to contact him in ten years, you owe them nothing ethically.

Sorry to hear this Rob. I've been dating a wonderful lady since January who gets along very well with my daughter. I have some apprehension about when we get to the stage of moving in together (which is likely at least a year away). I hate to mess with something that works so well, and still need to get to know her a lot better to know if we can live together. I'm hoping she also wants to transition to this stage slowly to test how it goes before fully diving in. After all we've been through as widows/widowers, at this stage of life, blending our lives with someone else has lots of potential risks. I hope you find the solution that makes you happy, My girlfriend has remarked many times how she's never had a relationship this easy before. I told her it shouldn't be hard all the time(of course there will be bumps along the way though). Best of luck.

Hi S, it is very thoughtful of you to join our group to help understand what your brother is going through. I lost my wife over 3 years ago. At the stage he is at (7 months since his wife passed), i was not comfortable still in most social settings, but appreciated having family around during holidays or other meaningful dates. My best advice is to just be yourselves, but don't be offended if your brother needs a little space or down time. I wouldn't change much from your normal routine, but be prepared to roll with it if he doesn't participate as he used to. He's lucky to have a brother who wants to understand and help him. Good for you!

Hi Steph, 19 months is still early in the healing process, although I know some days feel purposeless and seem to take forever to pass. I remember at about 2 years starting to feel like I had found my identity again, something very difficult after being one half of a whole for so many years. I can now smile and laugh when I think of my wife most of the time, although there is still the odd day when I am sad. It's been over 3 years for me. I've met someone really wonderful, but I will always have that hurt inside me.

My daughter, who was 12 when my wife passed away 3 years ago, was very resistant to any change in our house for at least a year. Any suggested change in furniture, painting rooms, etc was upsetting to her. For her, I feel it made her feel we were moving on from her mother and forgetting her. It's pretty complex stuff psychologically, especially depending on the age. I've tried to show patience and understanding with these issues, trying to honour and remember my wife while still finding ways for life to progress the way it needs to. You know your child better than anyone else, My daughter also had fears for a while after my wife died of "what if you died too, what would happen to me?". I tried to explain, that the chances of something happening to me are very small, and that I have documents in place that she would be with her grandparents who love her very much if that were to ever happen. I think that helped her to know there was at least some thought and planning put into that terrifying possibility for her. I also am more risk-averse, avoiding any dangerous situations or activities, knowing I am her only living parent and being cognizant of that myself.

I can remember going through some of those first events as well Cassie and dreading them. I had a hard time going to social events in public for months after my wife died. My head was in a different space then, as I'm sure yours is now. It's totally ok for you to have a cry at these functions if that's what you feel like. I had tears falling down my cheeks at the Christmas service in church (the first time I went back to church, 6 months after my wife died). All these events hurt like hell, especially the first time, it will be less painful as the years pass. It's been over 3 years for me and I can feel less sad and live in the moment better at these types of events now. My dad died last September, his birthday is tomorrow, the anniversary of his death is Sept 15, and my parents' wedding anniversary is Sept21, so I'm feeling very sad for my mom as these dates approach, knowing how she will be feeling. Hugs to you on this tough stretch. Paul

While Mike may have made some assumptions and presented his opinion in a way that offended you, I do agree it is important to make sure you have reviewed all your other household expenses to see if there are ways you can cut back on anything that is not essential so the financial help provided by your in-laws is at a minimum. My in-laws help me with many things that are not financial because of the love of their granddaughter and would help financially if I need them to. Your child will have to grow up without her father, which is very unfair to her, I don't think you should feel bad for accepting help where your in-laws are willing and able. As a side note, I think it is unfair for everyone here to attack Mike for his opinion. He was honest about his view and past experience even though he made some assumptions that weren't accurate. I feel this forum would be less helpful if everyone told us what they thought we wanted to hear, instead of giving honest feedback. The internet allows us all to personally attack each other without consequences, but it doesn't make any of us better people for having done so. Treating everyone with respect when giving honest opinions and when reacting to honest opinions makes this a better forum for us all in my opinion. My wife passed away 3 years ago, so I am on a similar timeline as yourself STHOMP0291, hang in there, being a solo parent can be very tough. Take care

It will be 3 years for me on Wednesday , one of the most helpful things said was when a priest visited at the house a couple days after my wife passed. I'm not strongly religious, but he knew what would help me. Before saying "Hello", he said " Don't doubt yourself" three times in a row. I always went back to that when I would start with the "what if's". Of course we would change anything to go back and time and save our partners, but it only hurts us to think that way. We have to accept what happened and learn to live with it and remember their love, that's all we can do.

Widower40, good for you! I was about 7 months before I went on my first date. My wife passed almost 3 years ago. I haven't dated a lot in the past 2.5 years, met one lady I really liked at about a year out, but distance was too big an issue to build anything together. I met someone special in January. It did feel a lot the same as when I met my wife. She made me smile, laugh, and shake my head(in a good way). I have forced myself to take things fairly slowly, to protect my feelings and those of my daughter, who is now 15. Odds are you will date a few women before finding Mrs. Right, try to enjoy yourself along the way!

I can relate as well RyanAmysMom. I've met someone really wonderful, we've been seeing each other since January. She lives about an hour's drive away. I would love to see her everyday, and she has the freedom at the moment where she could spend more time at my place. We currently see each other about 3-4 days a month, although we talk every day. My daughter is 15 and my wife passed away 3 years ago. I know my daughter needs this to be a gradual progression in my new relationship, so we are taking it slow. I have some vacation in July where my girlfriend will be able to spend more time with us, but I would love to be with her all the time. She has been sleeping in the spare bedroom when we are at my place cuz I know that would still bother my daughter at this point if she was sleeping with me in my bedroom where my wife used to sleep. Again, I'd like for her to be in my room, but I know what's best longterm is to take this one step at a time, and my girlfriend is vey understanding about this. There is a part of me that would like to be selfish and just do what I want, but I know in the end it is best this way by respecting my daughter's feelings.

Hi Melissa, it will get better in time. It did for me at least. I'm a pharmacist in a busy dispensary and have always prided myself on upgrading skills and taking on new abilities whenever the opportunity arose. I had zero interest in this after my wife passed. I was just doing my best to get through each shift. I also cut back to 4 days a week from 5-6 days a week. It was the first time in my life I ever took time to reflect and have time for myself and that was very valuable to me(and still is). I can take some enjoyment and pride from my work again, but this only started about a year ago, almost two years after my wife died. It took about that long for me to feel like myself again and feel like I'd found my identity again. You're doing well being there for your kids and working as much as you are in a challenging job. Keep your head up, you're doing great!

Congratulations! LH would want you to be happy, you should feel no guilt, as I am sure you would want him to be happy if the roles were reversed! life is meant to be enjoyed

Being a widow does present awkward social situations. I lost my wife about a month before you lost your husband. I have been dating a really great lady since January. When talking with her or her family, I still call my wife by that term ("wife"), which feels weird when you are dating someone. It feels like overkill to say "my deceased wife". This is when I speak to people who didn't know my wife. I simply call her by her name when talking with those that knew her. I guess I try to take the cue from other's reactions when I say "my wife", if they aren't understanding why I say I have a wife but am dating. If there is a look of confusion, I will briefly explain, if no look of confusion, just keep on with the conversation! I'd welcome other people's thoughts on this too! I don't think you need to explain why you are single to others though, none of their business unless you really want to share that with them.

I waited until 3 months after my wife passed, but asked her Mom and sisters to go through it and take any souvenirs they wanted, kept a few special things for my daughter. I gave the rest (bags and bags full) to a battered women's shelter. I agree with the others that you should do this whenever you feel ready unless it's causing you harm or distress. What is the rush?! Everyone's timeline is different, listen to your instincts/heart. Hugs

I found any trips or vacations my daughter and I did very strange for the first two years. It's starting to feel more normal now. There are still lots of thoughts of "Wow, LW would love this!", but I'm able to enjoy myself more as I've found my identity again with the passing of time.

Glad you introduced this topic Jen. I've been dating someone for almost 3 months now who I really like. I've felt those feelings for her but am hesitant to use the words, as they can't be taken back and I'm not 100% sure she's ready to say them back. I think she feels the same way. We live about an hour's drive apart and we only see each other about 2-3 days each month, as my daughter is 15 so it's hard to leave her to visit my new girlfriend, and we both have our work schedules to deal with. I wondered if I was feeling this with another lady I was seeing about 18 months ago, then she called things off out of the blue, so I'm a bit more gun shy this time around. I know we haven't spent a tonne of time physically together and it takes time to truly know someone. Life is a whole lot more complicated in my 40's than it was in my 20's, that's for sure. I'm holding back on saying the words for now, even though there have been times I've wanted to.

So sorry for your loss Melissa. I lost my wife a couple months before her 40th birthday, my daughter was 12. I felt a lot of pain for several months before there was any kind of healing or understanding of my life. No one who you know will understand how you feel unless they have lost their spouse. There are lots of good people here to draw from for advice or just to share feelings or thoughts with. Take care.

My brother and I hosted a 50th anniversary party for my parents last July. It had been two years since my wife passed away. I left the crowd for a few minutes at one point to have a little cry, just one of those moments that it didn't feel right that my wife wasn't there to share with us. As I was having my cry, a butterfly flew over from the nearby woodpile, circled around me 3 times and settled on a flower next to me. i definitely felt her presence at this time and feel she was trying to show me she was there with me. Others may think this was just a coincidence, but I chose to believe in what I felt.

I've noticed this for myself as well.

It's good to let out these emotions in my opinion. I certainly did, especially in the first 6 months. It can feel really good to have a cry sometimes. I'm 2.5 years out now. I only get really sad now when I think of my wife's funeral or the day she died. Of course we all wish this never happened to us, but we can't change it. I can smile and laugh now when I think of her, instead of being sad. I think all of us like to look at pictures and videos and cherish our memories, hopefully as time passes, this will bring smiles and laughs, but it takes time to get to that point. Take care, Paul

Hang in there Christina. A good cry can feel very liberating at times, certainly nothing to be ashamed of, nor should you feel you have to hold back. I cried daily for 3 months after my wife passed and still quite often for another 3 months after that. It's been 2.5 years for me and it still hits me occasionally. It hurts because we loved them so much, which is a great thing, not a bad thing. Try to talk of him often and live the best life you can, knowing he would want you to be happy, even if it takes a long time before you can feel happy on a regular basis.

So sorry for your loss Widower40. I was 42, my daughter was 12 when my wife died at the age of 39, unexpectedly, although she had been sick many years. I cried a lot for the first 3 months. My first day of not crying came at about 3 months. At 6 months, i could string together a couple days of not crying. Please use all the supports that are offered to you, you will need them. I am not overly religious, so I used meditation on a daily basis to try to slow my brain down, as it felt completely fried. It took me almost 2 years to really feel like myself again, took me a long time to find who I was as a single person, no longer a half of a whole. This board has some really wise people who have been through some similar things, I found some good advice here, it also helps you to realize that although you feel like you are losing your mind at times, this is pretty normal for the trauma we have all been through. I hope this forum provides another avenue of support for you.

I guess this post belongs under the "laughs" part of the topic...I met someone through online dating about a year ago. We chatted a little, but I was in the midst of breaking up with someone I had been on a few dates with and had lived a 3 hour drive from. I told this new lady (Norma Jean) that I wasn't really ready to date right away again, so we chatted a little anyway. I did contact her through Facebook about a month ago, as I felt ready to dip my toes into the dating pool again and really enjoyed our online conversation. We've been on 3 dates now and everything seems to fit so well. She told me when she looked at my dating profile, she showed it to her sister and said " Well, this guy doesn't look like he'd kill me in my sleep!". Yes, us males have set the bar pretty high...Her sister answered her, "I know him, I went on a couple of dates with him in University!". Small world! Norma Jean is a really wonderful person who has lived through grief as well, losing a different sister to a car accident when she was in her early 20's. She has also lost several other close friends before they turned 30 or 40. She also beat leukaemia at the age of 14. While I don't think grief can be the basis of a relationship for a widow/widower, I think it helps you understand the other person a little better. We have only been seeing each other a short time, but I'm quite optimistic that I've found someone very special here, and look forward to seeing where life can take us together. Just wanted to share that it's not all horror stories out there with online dating!