PaulZ

Hey Mc5, my loss followed a similar time frame as your own. I was 42 when I lost my wife in 2016, my daughter was 12. We couldn't have more kids because my wife became sick when my daughter was 5 months old. Teenagers have their own challenges even when they haven't lost a parent, which would sometimes leave me wondering whether issues were related to losing her Mom, or just being a teenager, getting her period, etc (told me last year she is gay too). It sounds like you are doing all the right things buddy, hang in there, I hope you have some supports, I had lots of help from my family, in-laws and neighbours, it helps keep you sane. There are lots of people who have travelled this road of grief before us and this forum allows us to learn from them. It has helped me many days with different thoughts and situations. Hope you find some help here. It is a tough balance, but you are doing great, you are right to ask them to help with the things they can do around the house. Take care, Paul

I think most of us here can relate to the lethargy, no desire to or ability to do anything more than what was absolutely necessary at that point. Being at work and taking care of your kids is a lot. Your mind and body likely can't handle more than this at this point, I know mine couldn't. I had a lot of feelings of "what is the point of my life without her" for a number of months, feeling quite lost as it felt nothing in life could ever bring me happiness again. It does get better in time. These are life-long scars, but you will find yourself again, it just hurts for a long time. My advice is to listen to your body and mind when they tell you you can't handle anymore that day. It's your survival instincts kicking in, you will get stronger, but don't rush yourself. Hope we can be of some support here for you, sorry you had to join this club

I agree it is much more complicated blending families and households than meeting someone in your 20's or 30's and starting a family together. I haven't dated much since the 2.5 years my wife passed, but I recently started dating a really wonderful woman. Every part of me wants to spend more time with her, but we live about a 1.5 hour drive apart. The bigger issue is taking my time to help my daughter's comfort level with me dating again. I really like this woman, and she does not bring a lot of baggage to the relationship (never married, no kids, had lived with a guy for 5 years who had 3 kids of his own), especially compared to how a widow is affected psychologically for future relationships. She understands grief in a real way, as she lost her sister and good friend in a car accident when she was about 25 (15 years ago). While I don't think experience with grief can be the basis of a good relationship, sometimes it helps to understand each other better and why you may respond certain ways in situations. Anywho, she is fun, funny, smart, interesting and kind. Just a good person who I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. I think she has similar feelings toward me. i know we have lots of more time before we really know each other, but it is frustrating to have to take it slowly out of consideration for my daughter's feelings. I feel I need to do this though, as her only parent (she is 15 years old). I think NG and my daughter could really hit it off well if my daughter gives her a chance, which is my biggest hope right now. Sorry for rambling and not passing along much insight to you KLim, just re-iterating that these new relationships aren't as simple as the first time around!

In my opinion, you are handling this really well Tybec, making him aware of how he made you feel by concealing the communication, whether or not there was any bad intentions to it. If you really care for him and do trust him, you are giving him a chance to show you how much he cares and that he deserves your trust. Good on you for not being over-reactive, but not being too soft at the same time.

Besides being a widower, I am a pharmacist, so I feel qualified to offer a little guidance on the medication discussion going on here. Grief is an entirely different animal than depression. I get seasonal affective disorder and end up taking an antidepressant for several weeks each year in late fall/early winter. This helps with the sleep disturbance and apathy I get from seasonal affective disorder. I also went through depression a couple years after my wife originally got (and stayed) sick, as I had constant stress and worry over many years trying to help her and adjusting to my life having changed forever. Not everyone with depression needs to take medication for the rest of their life. Some do, some don't. Sometimes depression is caused by short term issues (relationship problems, hating your job, illness etc) that get better, and the depression starts to lift after these situations improve. Antidepressants are not addictive (I know no one here said that, just throwing it out there as it is a common misconception). They should, however, be tapered off over a period of a few weeks when you feel you are ready to stop them. Sometimes it takes trying a few antidepressants before finding the right fit in terms of efficacy and side effects. No antidepressant is going to take away your grief, nor should it. Grief is a normal thing for everyone who has to go through the hell we have all gone through, it shouldn't be "fixed" with a pill and won't be fixed by a pill. That being said, we all need to function in life. Some of us may need medication occasionally to help with sleep, but sleeping pills should not be taken every night (but are probably better for you than having 5-6 drinks to be able to fall asleep). Things like meditation and exercise can be helpful both for stress relief and improving mood and sleep. Where you have pre-existing depression, powbesh, I'm not saying you should stop taking our antidepressant, just suggesting you evaluate the expectations of what the medication can do to help you, as the effect of losing a partner is bound to cause sleepless nights and feeling like "Life is pointless without this person". I still occasionally feel this way, 2.5 years since my wife died. Hopefully as time passes, these feelings will become less intense and less frequent for you, more bearable, even if they never completely disappear. I'm not trying to be judgemental here with anyone, as we all struggle to figure out our lives again after losing our closest relationship. Just hoping my background as both a widow and pharmacist can be helpful in this discussion. I'm happy to help with any other med-related questions/opinions anyone may have on this topic. Hugs, Paul

I am here because I can learn from those that were through this before me. I want to know how to be the best solo dad I can be to my daughter, how to move my life forward as best I can. I hope what I have been through the past 2.5 years can help others in earlier stages in need of help and experience.

So sorry for the pain you are feeling, everyone on this board has felt that same pain. The intensity and frequency of my pain gradually lessened, and most others here seem to have had similar experiences. Hang in there, hugs

I think it is really important for your kids to feel like they can be open about relationships and all the issues that come with it, even if they are unlikely to do so. I feel it's important to know their friends too, especially the ones your kids may open up to. I agree with the above opinions that safety has to be at the top of the discussion, which includes preventing pregnancy and diseases. Also, safety in terms of knowing what consent is, and not putting yourself in dangerous situations (i.e.: avoiding getting roofed at a party, being alone with someone you don't know, being intoxicated, etc). Providing condoms is a great idea, as your kids are unlikely to ask for them. Reality is lots of kids start getting sexually active by 14-16 years old (but not all do). Talking a bit about the psychological effects of romance and break-ups is important too, as it affects people of all ages. What it feels like to be rejected, how you may not think logically when in a relationship, remembering to be kind to people etc. My 14 year old daughter told me last year she was gay, so I don't need to worry so much about the teenage pregnancy issue, but we have still discussed all the above stuff i mentioned. She is very mature and luckily isn't shy to talk about these kinds of issues with me. I also think it's important for us as parents to set a good example of relationships for our kids. It doesn't take long for them to notice how we treat our partners and what we value in a relationship. If we are taking home a different person every weekend, we can't expect them to listen to us when we talk to them about safety and sex.

I lost my wife when she was 39, two and a half years ago. It was an unexpected death and incredibly difficult. My father died suddenly two months ago, at the age of 73 and I can echo some of your experiences mentioned above. I had a great relationship with my dad, he was a great guy, a great father and grandfather. I did cry some when my father passed, but it is entirely different than losing a spouse, not the same level of intensity of loss whatsoever for me. I've been more focused on being there for my mother. My dad died 6 days before their 50th anniversary and they did everything together . I chatted with my mom about this exact topic this morning. Hugs to all of you,

I also listed my status on my dating profile as widower, so there were no surprises for anyone. I've been pretty picky about dating, haven't dated many people the past 2.5 years. I am really close to my inlaws, live next door to them in a small rural community. They are awesome, will watch my daughter if I go out with friends or on a date. They wouldn't be happy if I started bringing home a different woman every weekend with my daughter at home, but I would never do that to her (or me) anyways.

My daughter was 12 when my wife passed away. My wife had been sick since my daughter was 5 months old, but we didn't think it was life-threatening. I feel the same pains you do, Raymond. There is a part of me missing, part of my daughter's life missing. I've learned to live with it, but missed her badly at my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, then shortly after when my father died suddenly. There was no one there to share those intimate, happy, painful moments with. That's the grief that we feel inside, but isn't seen from the outside. I know everyone here gets this, that's why I like visiting here. Hugs buddy

I stopped wearing mine at around 7 or 8 months, when I started to consider myself single again, it took a while to not think of myself as married anymore. I can echo the ideas of the other responses in that you should do what feels right for you and that it will feel less awkward in time talking about losing your spouse in time.

I started dating at about 10 months out. I was ready to date, but still wasn't clear-headed from the grieving process yet. That didn't come for me until almost two years after my wife passed. For me, I felt a need to fill that hole of my lost connection at that point, which I don't feel anymore. I feel more ready to really give of myself now, but don't feel the need to fill that void of lost companionship and intimacy. I feel more ready to date now than I did at 10 months out, but I agree it is different for each person. Always a good idea not to rush into anything, take your time to get to know the person, in my humble opinion.

Hi Sugarbell, this is an incredibly difficult situation you were put in. Your father must have really loved you and your mother to have stayed with her. I have felt wronged by other relationships in my past (not as extreme as this situation), and know that holding on to bad feelings for another person(s) can really eat you up inside. Forgiveness can seem impossible in hurtful situations such as this, but in my experience, it was the only thing that brought me peace when I felt I had been wronged in family relationships. I hope you can make peace with yourself over a situation that you were unfairly put in and was beyond your control. Young people should never have to deal with such heavy burdens. Hugs

Cool, it really is the ultimate festival for Celtic music fans. I'm going to drive a bit of the Cabot Trail tomorrow with my daughter and friends to take in the beautiful Fall scenery.

Rob, is this Celtics Colours in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia? We have a festival by this name where I live.

Hi Julia, so sorry you are going through this pain. Family should be a source of comfort during this time, not more distress. I hope your mom and kids can help support you. I have found lots of wisdom from people that have endured similar circumstances as myself on this forum. I hope you do as well.

Yes, people don't get it unless they've been through it. I helped facilitate a group talk on grief years ago, when my wife was still alive, and now look back and think "That was really stupid/naive what I said" about a few things. Even the people closest to us have a hard time understanding what we are going through. I would advise to try not to judge these people too harshly, they just don't understand that what they are saying is inappropriate. Most people mean well, but don't know what to say. That being said, some people are idiots too haha.

I'm feeling you might be laying things on a bit heavy if this is the conversation on the first date..

I had a lot of hopelessness and felt like life was purposeless for a long time, especially after the shock eased off and the pain became less intense. I'm over two years out now and just starting to feel like I've found my new normal, where I can start to enjoy life again. I think it's very normal what you are going through. Having to be there for my daughter was a motivator for me to keep getting through each day when I felt like I couldn't or didn't care. Just keep making it through today for now, try not to look too far ahead. Hugs

I dated a woman in the winter who was quite nice, we went on 3 dates with lots of texting/facetiming daily in between. We had a 3 hour drive to see each other. I knew she wasn't Mrs. Right after date #2, but we had already booked a wine and food event, so went on date #3. I debated how I felt about seeing someone while knowing it wasn't a long term fit. In the end, it didn't feel right to me or fair to her to continue seeing each other, as she had fallen more for me than I had for her. The physical connection is great when you haven't had that in a while, but I kept things from going too far so as not to make a break up more hurtful. I guess my questions for you KrypticKat would be, "Does he think this is just casual dating, or does he want to be in a serious relationship?", and are you happy with that arrangement if he is? If you are both content with having someone to go on dates with, with knowing it may not end up as a long term thing, then no one is getting hurt in my opinion. In my case, it didn't feel right to continue and progress physically too, because I knew she wanted more than casual dating and I knew she wasn't the right person for me. Hope this is somewhat helpful?

Sc39, my heart goes out to you. I had the very same thoughts and feelings as you. I am now over 2 years since my wife passed away at the age of 39 (I had been planning a surprise 40th birthday party). I echo what Wheeler's Wife said in that you can only put one foot in front of the other for now. I had the feeling of complete emptiness, lack of joy or hope for well over a year. It felt like there was literally a hole in my heart, brain and stomach. I had an ulcer for over a year, pains every day in my stomach. My wife had been sick with epilepsy and other cognitive issue for 12 of our 15 years of marriage. When you've found that special person, you tend to map out the future, the progression of your children, travel, future retirement etc. Then that is all gone in an instant. It's incredibly hard to process, impossible to live in the moment for a long time. My head was in a fog for over a year and a half. I also felt that missing half of who I was, tried to figure out my identity again. Good advice from the others in that you know your partner would want you to live a happy, full life, even though we are not ready to feel happy for a long time. Also good advice not to rush anything or make any big decisions for a while. I don't think any of us "move on", I think it's a terrible phrase (which I had to tell my mother not to use). But we can learn to live with the scar and see what is ahead of us eventually. Hugs, Paul

I joined an online dating site about 9 months after LW passed away, went to supper with a couple women before meeting a woman I really liked. We went on about 5-6 dates and I thought we were really hitting it off. I was surprised when she called things off, saying she wasn't having the feelings she needed. I was disappointed because we had become quite intimate (which is a big deal to me). It was my first time really dating someone in 20 years and was a good lesson to take things slowly and remind me of what I wanted and what I valued in relationships. I went out with a couple other women in the past year on a few dates and made myself take things more slowly, which felt more normal for me. I thought I was ready to date at the time, but I was still going through some of the stages of grief for sure. It's over two years now since LW passed away, and I only feel like I've really found myself again in the last few months. I haven't dated anyone since February and am fairly content with this. I let my online dating subscriptions run out. If I meet someone where there is a spark, fantastic, but I'm not really searching anymore and feel happy. I have a teenage daughter who was very anxious about my dating, so that plays a role as well in how much I date. If I meet someone I really like, I will pursue it, but I don't want to be leaving my daughter all the time to be dating a different woman every month. Things will have to get very serious before I bring a woman to my home where my wife and I lived our whole lives together (it will feel strange to me and my daughter at first for sure). I may be over cautious, but I don't want to cause my daughter to be anxious by bringing home a different woman every month, I also feel this doesn't set a good example for her for when she starts dating. I guess all our considerations are different. The things I miss the most are having someone who knows you inside out, having someone to plan and do fun things with. The physical part is lonely sometimes too, but I can live with that.

I've had similar feelings traveling, I know what you mean. Vacations are always a memory-making time with family, and we will never make memories again with our lost partners and it stings, always will. I was away for a work conference that my wife used to attend with me and this most recent trip often went to bed early when everyone else was starting to party, very unlike me, but it just didn't feel right going out, still when it felt like she should be there. This was 1.5 years after my wife passed. Had another person ask if I brought condoms with me to the conference in case I picked up someone there, as I was by myself. The physical intimacy is great, but not what I really am looking for without the connection with someone. Not judging anyone who is comfortable with that, it's just not how I am wired. I had a couple cries that week, even though I was in a beautiful place with lots of friends, grief is a long process...

Hi New To This, so sorry for your loss. You have certainly been through some extra difficult times. Loss of your spouse is an incredibly difficult thing to work through, even without all the other challenges your relationship threw at you. I have a friend who lost her partner under similar circumstances. I can't offer any great advice, just someone to listen and offer condolences. Take care