PaulZ

Hi Sc39, I remember feeling the exact same way. The first few months felt like an out of body experience for me. I can only explain it as the brain's way of protecting us from the pain, helping us to function enough to do what we need to for our kids, put one foot in front of the other. As Portside said, it does get better in time. It's over two years since I lost my wife and I only feel like I found my new normal a few months ago. It took me a long time to feel like myself again, even though the intensity of the pain eases over the months.

Hi Wanda, thanks for sharing. I can relate to how you are feeling now. I also was a caretaker in different ways for my wife, she had been sick for 12 of our 15 years of marriage, though not the same daily care you dedicated yourself to. I felt like I was having an out of body experience the first few months, very numb to everything around me, with no motivation, no purpose in life. It does lessen in intensity and frequency over time. Spending time with friends and family was helpful to me, even though happiness took me a loooonnnggg time to find even in small ways. Hang in there. Hold your son close, give strength to each other when you need it, a hug can help a lot. I thought my daughter, 12 at the time, was dealing much better than myself as well. Teenagers are hard to read sometimes and keep more inside than they did when younger so for me it was hard to know if she was spending more time in her room because she was ad, or because she was 12, then 13, now 14. My daughter needing me was one thing that kept me going, putting one foot in front of the other for the first few months. Take care

Hi Mattie, I want to share something that was tremendously helpful to me. I am not an overly religious person. I do believe in God, but am not a regular church-goer. My wife was a devout Catholic. The day after she died, one of our former priests stopped at our house. I greeted him and thanked him for stopping by. The first words he said to me were "Don't doubt yourself." As I nodded and was about to say thank you, he repeated this phrase to me 3 more time before I could say anything. My wife died at home at the age of 39 after a seizure stopped her heart (she had epilepsy and other health problems). I gave her CPR until the ambulance arrived. Every time I would think to myself " What if I had acted 30 seconds faster" and got upset, I would hear the priest saying these words. Grief is so overwhelming, especially the first 3 months for me. It took me 3 months before I had a day I didn't cry, 6 months before I could string a couple days together without crying. It is unfair to yourself to add doubt and the "what if's" on top of this. It happened many times in my mind, and the priest's words helped alleviate some of that burden for me. Please do your best to not add this form of doubt to the mess of emotions that grief brings. I just joined this forum a few weeks ago and 2 years have passed since my wife's death. I am finding the advice and experience of others here to be very helpful, hoping I can help someone with my experiences.

Thanks for this post Raymond. My wife died 2 years ago at 39 years old. We met when she was 21, I was 23. I feel the pull of wanting that same intimacy that we had, the same fun and adventure, that same looking forward to the future together. Everyone has touched on a similar theme here, that our following relationships will not be the same, as we are different due to life experiences (shared with our partners). The following partner cannot have the same feelings towards our children, no matter how much they care about our children. We all changed forever by going through the loss we have. Realizing these things makes it easier to have a successful future relationship in my opinion. Just as when I met my first wife, I need to be able to go into that relationship without expectations of who she is, I need to find out who she is by sharing life's ups and downs with her. I have only gone on a few dates with a few women since my wife died, and I have taken a break from looking, and I think I am finally finding my new normal and figuring out who I am again without my wife and after all I've been through. For me, being able to find day-to-day happiness again in my life by myself will make me more ready to share happiness with someone else when the time is right. It sounds like you are being very up front and honest with your feelings to your current partner, which is such a good thing for both of you. I think there is such a thing as knowing in your gut when you have found the right person, keeping in mind it takes significant time spent with that person to truly get to know them. I think it was good advice from SoloAct to ask if you would be unhappy if you were not with that person (and not just unhappy to not be in a relationship), So many good questions and thoughts that we all have had. Thanks again Raymond, Paul

I can relate to the notion that men only have intimate relationships with their spouse , not with their friends and relatives. I started dating a little about 10 months out. I'm now about 2 years out and have only briefly dated a couple women. I really miss having that person that always has your back, who knows what you are thinking and what you need. I miss her making me laugh and me making her laugh. The physical part of a relationship is great, but not anywhere near the top of my list of what I missed in my life. I felt a need for that connection when I first started dating. Thankfully, having a teenage daughter and travel distance for dating made me take things slowly, as I no longer feel the need to fill an emptiness in my life. I've just recently reached a point where I can find happiness in day-to-day life again. If I someday am lucky enough to meet another person that makes me happy, that is great, but I don't feel a compulsion anymore to look for them.

Hi everyone, I'm new here. My wife died 2 years ago at the age of 39. We had been married 15 years, together 19 years. Laurie was a nurse, became sick 5 months after the birth of our daughter when she was 27 years old. She had encephalitis, an infection in her brain which almost killed her 12 years before she died. The encephalitis caused various damages to her brain, leaving Laurie with uncontrollable epilepsy, extreme short-term memory impairment and various other cognitive deficits. She was never able to return to work and our lives were changed forever. She went through terrible depression and anxiety for the first 2 years after the encephalitis, due to her brain damage and due to the loss of so many things in her life, lost independence, loss of memory, loss of ability to work, loss of ability to drive, loss of control over her life. Life became better when she came to accept what had happened to her and she became a happy, albeit sick, person again. She was a great loving caring mother and wife. Life was never carefree or simple again. She had brain surgery to try to cure her epilepsy(which didn't work), but we managed to find the fun in life again most days, in between the challenges of her seizures and other cognitive issues. July17, 2016, she took a seizure at home which stopped her heart. I gave her CPR until the paramedics arrived, but there was no response and she was suddenly gone. All our struggle felt like it was for nothing. My daughter was 12 at the time and only knew her mom as the version who had been sick, never knew her before the encephalitis. The first 3 months after Laurie died were a blur, an almost out-of-body experience with a lot of pain and crying. After 6 months I could make it a day or two without tears. The following year was a time of trying to figure out my life and who I am again. My identity was not the same without my partner, who I was often a caregiver for , as well. We had a great marriage, always found happiness in seeing each other happy, with loyalty and unconditional love. I've been on a few dates, started about a year after Laurie died. Very strange for me. My daughter had quite a bit of anxiety over my dating, and I've taken a step back from it, for now. It's only the last few months that I feel I've found my new normal (again). I can only now start to feel happiness in day-to-day life again. There was a lot of emptiness and lack of purpose for a long time for me. I find it helpful reading some of the posts here, I think there will be people with good advice and opinions. Thanks for listening, Paul