Bunny

I was married on this day 23 years ago. This morning Facebook shared a picture with me of that day. It was my favorite, taken by a friend of ours. I’m in a relationship now, thus it just doesn’t feel right to share it in my feed- so I thought I’d post it here instead! It’s funny, I feel like having kids gives you a ‘permission’ to post their pictures that I don’t feel since I am childless. It was a lovely day- truly one of the happiest in my lifetime. But I feel so far removed from it. Detachment seems an easier way to deal with these things- I never thought I would be able to reach this stage. I am hoping the next stage is being able to feel the joy of that moment without the pain of it’s loss also. ❤️❤️❤️ Feel free to share your wedding pictures with me, I would love to see them ❤️❤️❤️

I also took care of my husband, for two years, and sex was off the table for at least the last year. In fact, a guilt I carried for a looonnnngggg time was that I turned him down for sex that last time (didn’t know it was the last) because I was stressed and tired and needed to get to my part-time job. I was probably numb to my body for a lot of that first year, but when it finally started making it’s needs heard, and that ‘skin hunger’ kicked in, it was all Very Intense!!! My hormones were suddenly like that of an 18-year-old boy’s. It was c-r-a-z-y strong. And what made it even worse was that I knew I was not emotionally ready to have sex with anyone- though I was starting to understand people who got a FWB. Me, I just took matters into my own hands- a lot- until I felt ready to have sex again with another person. What you are feeling is very, very, very normal.

When I was first widowed, I just naturally wanted to be alone, I avoided people as much as possible for over a year. But daily I had my animals for company and spent lots of time outdoors in my yard. However. I always had the option to leave whenever I wanted or needed or to have company over when I felt up for it. I hope all of you wids who find yourselves quarantined alone are taking good care of your mental and physical health. I was definitely not the poster child for making healthy choices while deeply grieving, so no judgements, just know I’m thinking of all of you and if anyone would like to share anything here about your experiences or how you are coping we are all here to listen. ❤️❤️❤️

Thank you, everyone, for your support. Your words mean a lot to me and I come back to read them again when I need some encouragement. Luckily, we both have a strong support system IRL also. He started the chemo pills last night and radiation today. I am feeling more calm and centered- the initial shock and despair have quieted down, thankfully. We are facing this with love in our hearts and try to keep stress at a minimum. I find myself kicking into caretaker mode again, though this time I am not such a drill sergeant. Of course, I am extra concerned about his health and daily hospital visits with the addition of the Corona Virus. It is frustrating when I see people being so casual about it, but all we can do is keep ourselves as safe as possible. Our city has issued stay-at-home orders for all unnecessary activity as of tomorrow. So much gratitude in my heart that we are able to stay so connected with loved ones through the technology of telephone calls, texting, e-mail, and internet. It is kinda weird to see the rest of the world joining us in our own little quarantine time. I wish for all of you and those you love good health.

It’s kinda funny, we have been stocking up one step ahead of everyone else because we decided to self-segregate while my boyfriend goes through cancer treatment during the cold and flu season- so there were no shortages or long lines for us! But we did decide to beef things up a bit more with this new added element. He lived in Italy for many years and keeps in touch so we take this very seriously as we hear their experiences from afar. I am thankful for our big yard, the warming weather to enjoy it again, and for all the food it provides us. I hope all of you singles stay safe out there- perhaps a return to the old-fashioned courtships of conversation without any of the physical touch😄

My boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer earlier this month. We spent Valentine’s Day meeting his hospital team, scheduling more tests, and filling out paperwork. Then today we finally got to the staging and plan of action. For those keeping score, my late husband died of cancer. I mean, I'm not mad about it. I don't think 'why me?' It is just Life and I can't control it. It will be fine, no matter what. Everyone with cancer has a 50/50 chance, honestly. I control nothing so I accept everything. As best I can. Widowhood has made me into something of a fatalist. It is a different experience this time- I don’t feel like Superwoman getting ready to vanquish the enemy, I am not lighting candles and saying prayers. I am not obsessing on what he eats. I appear pretty calm, until I examine what is going on in the pit of my stomach- it is a ball of anxiety and pain I try not to poke too hard. But I have noticed while driving alone I’ll sometimes just start crying. And I got pretty teary-eyed at the grocery store yesterday. Plus, this experience has been so emotionally exhausting my insomnia hasn’t been as much of a problem lately. My concentration is for shit, though. So, here we go. None of us truly knows how much time we are going to get together anyway.

I hope you know all of my comments came from a place of love and support. We have ‘known’ eachother for years, and I just want you to be with a partner who appreciates and adores you. Or, if that is not to be, I want you to find love and contentment from within. Afterall, It’s much better to be peacefully alone than to feel engulfed by loneliness while coupled.

Dating a widow is not easy, because she is understanding Life on a whole other level. Like, she no longer believes it when people say ‘it’s going to be fine’ or ‘don’t worry’ or ‘everyting always turns out for the best’ because she knows there are no guarantees and anyone can die at any minute. Being a widow is a total mindfuck. I never ever wanted to fall in love again because the thought of going through this shit twice terrified me. But here I am with someone again anyway. And, yeah, I hold myself back. And yeah, I’m ambivalent about so much now. I think widows are the best/worst partners. Good luck.

I guess we all come at situations with our own set of experiences to inform us on our opinions. I, personally, have never been with a button-pushing conflict lover (my DH merely had a very shitty temper), but I have witnessed friends navigate these relationships long-term due to a child involved. One finally stopped engaging with the ex except through a mediary. One fully engaged in the conflict until the day he died- he was such a brilliant man, but she was his Achilles Heel. I could never figure out how she managed it, but I keep a wide berth to this day. Another took the kicked helpless puppy approach to her antics until he died. They were all parents wanting relationships with their children but at the mercy of an unbending person, fighting against unreasonableness. Obviously, an abusive person is beyond concerning themselves with morals, but for the ‘average’ divorce I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s my childlessness that makes me astonished people can’t put aside their differences for their children, it is beyond me using a child as a weapon to get to the ex. It makes no logical sense. I would not have the patience for it, and I am a Very Patient Woman, generally speaking. My heart goes out to all you blenders ❤️

What a jerk. Trying to yank your chain? Seeing if you’re up for a hook-up? Can’t stand that you are actually able to walk away from him and get on with your life? This man has always sounded self-absorbed and unable to accept blame for any part of why his relationships go south. Also- He could never put you first. Thank you for loving yourself enough to ignore him.

A man who continues to spend so much time arguing with his ex-wife needs some serious therapy about boundaries, button-pushing, and learning/practicing productive positive communication skills. That he finds all this normal is shocking- but maybe that’s what he grew up listening to. It sounds absolutely exhausting to put up with CW. I mean, I’m usually all for being there for my partner, but I would be tempted to go to extreme measures, like the kind you use to train toddlers. You know, forbid him to talk to you about her for more than 5 minutes- and then time it, if you allow it at all. Ask him to tell/text his ex he is busy and will get back to her later whenever she interrupts. And if he doesn’t, then simply end the date- you know you gotta follow through with threats or they don’t believe you. It will SUCK having to do that, and will provoke disappointed feelings all around, but this shit you’re putting up with is just....unacceptable. He keeps doing this because he is getting something out of it, it feeds his psyche in some weird way, and that would really irritate me being forced to be involved so intimately in their unhealthy relationship.

I am so sad to read this! I’m sorry, Rob. I am helping a widow friend of mine move out of her current husband’s house (he was my late husband’s friend) as they will be divorcing soon -after only 4 years. It’s been hard for her because she has always been opposed to divorce so I have been helping her be okay with her decision. She tried, they went to counseling, but the problems could not be solved. And even though all their children are older, it still caused some of the friction. I have observed that sometimes marriage can make people change dramatically, and not always for the better. Sending you healing thoughts ❤️

Congrats on the new kitten! Although I’m a procrastinator myself, I feel your pain at his foot-dragging. When my husband and I moved into our first home my parents got us a super fancy expensive litter box and it was life changing- LOVED it, because I hate cleaning the cat box. My cat was semi-feral and skittish and had no problem using it. If you can get over the sticker shock, I highly recommend! I’m pretty sure it’s called a Litter Robot...

Yikes, tybec! That does all sound a bit...limited. Have you looked into Meet-Ups at all, or maybe groups that meet at the library- maybe could expand your friendship circle at the very least...then they could introduce you to someone they know! A widow friend found her new husband on e-harmony. Although, I will say, at age 55 I do love to go camping. My husband was such a city boy (and also super into classic cars😆) so he never wanted to go, but bf was raised by a Boy Scout executive so he is an excellent camper. You can always choose places with cabins or yurts so you don’t hafta completely rough it. We sleep our older bones on an air mattress. I do think you can tell a lot about a person by camping with them. I’m in a fairly large city, though, so getting out into nature is very soul-satisfying for me.

I get not wanting to have a big age gap. I’ve been in relationships with men 10 years older and 5-7 years younger. Basically, I didn’t find it enjoyable being with someone who didn’t share my generational references, you know? Plus- I’ve never been accused of being mature for my age so maybe that’s why I always preferred my own age group in regards to men 😀 My husband was 18 months younger, my boyfriend is 9 months older. Before being in my current relationship, an acquaintance of my husband’s was hitting on me and even though he was only 8 years older he seemed....old. We just spoke a different kinda language. Same for the guy who was 17 years younger that I had one date with, too big a gap! It’s just not personally appealing to me. Good luck ❤️

Unfortunately, I have watched portside drive off several wids from this site with his shaming ‘home truths’. I mean, sometimes he does give very helpful advice- but when you touch on something that is...triggering?...for him, then it is heart-breaking and infuriating to watch his completely tone-deaf response. I was afraid it was going to happen yet again in this thread, but fortunately OP was able to stand up for herself. I felt such relief. I’m not advocating we stifle our opinions when asked, I just think that there are ways of expressing our opinions while also remaining respectful and loving towards our fellow wids.

In my world, among my family and friends, grandparents help - with joy in their hearts that they can contribute towards making a better world for their grandchildren- whether that be with money, moral support, or physical action. Widowhood has taught me that it is important to ask others for help, and to accept the help that is offered, because it allows the other person to feel good about themselves and their place in this world. A feeling of usefulness is important. This world is hard enough as it is, what is so wrong with asking others to help ease our burdens and to in turn help ease others? Of course, this will sometimes end in disappointments or embarrassment- but that is also a lesson. But yeah, money talk can be super awkward. I hope that all of you can get through it gracefully. Who knows? Perhaps they are worried about offending your ‘dignity’ by offering to help pay? You all sound lovely and loving towards one another so I feel you will be able to successfully work at continuing the relationships whatever their answer. Good luck.

A friend sent me this last night, thought some of you might find it interesting also: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mourning_ring

Yup. I’m responsible not only for my dead husband, but for every single animal who has ever died while under my care. I just thought it was a Catholic Thing...but seriously, they’re all totally my fault.

It does sound a bit complicated, so probably not the best fit for you- wise to step away. He’s had full custody of his daughter since she was 12, I imagine there’s a stronger more intimate bond between a parent and child when you’re raising them alone- that’s been my casual observation of a couple widow friends with kids. Does she do ALL the cooking, that would have been my red flag, not the menu. And he is the child’s grandfather, so I would hope he’s helping with showing him how to be a Fine Young Man, since the child’s father seems not to be one. But since he isn’t the child’s father, he can still pursue a romantic life, yes? Recently, a friend of mine had her daughter and child move in with her and her second husband to escape an abusive relationship- it ended up lasting well over a year. Her daughter did help out with the cooking while living there. Though, it’s true, her husband felt neglected while the daughter was there since my friend was helping out quite a bit with the care-taking of her grandchild, so it definitely put a strain on her romantic relationship!

I’ve seen people recommend Meet-Up groups to jump start a social life. You might also look at community college classes, see if anything piques your interest? Find a lecture series that sounds fun, join a club... I went to a great lecture on doing bonsai, a friend just finished a ceramics class she greatly enjoyed, another friend belongs to a fossil club that’s very active. I’ve never done speed dating but I certainly do like the concept- face to face (any chemistry?) but short and sweet (non-committal!) Maybe forcing yourself out of your comfort zone would be a big confidence booster and give you a clearer picture on if you’re ready to date. You could do it and then report back here for everyone else who are also curious...

Wow, tybec, you just made me realize something about my expectations of relationships and where they came from- thanks for the insight! ❤️ I was raised in the Navy (pre-computers). I saw couples, including my parents, separated for months on end. Spouses wrote each other daily, or weekly, or monthly- and phone calls were very, very rare. People usually lived far away from their extended families. This upbringing made me pretty self-contained- and adaptable. I can get close to people fast, since my past taught me time was of the essence- and I can also cut people out of my life fairly easily, because moving all the time teaches you detachment. I grew up with many different cultures and religions intermingling- so I experienced, through places/friendships/dating, lots of people very different from me. Growing up, your love story was pretty much my ideal- same friends and boyfriend my whole life, marrying him and never ever moving! Of course, instead, my father instilled in me a wanderlust and I didn’t settle down until my husband insisted we should put down roots and buy a house, when we were in our 40s. And now, here you and I both are, on a young widow site! I’m glad you have decided to leave the safety of your first relationship post-widowhood and look for what your heart truly needs.

There are two different personality types- those who are energized by being with people and those who are energized by solitude. I’m in the latter category, but I think it’s the minority. Neither is necessarily good or bad, but it can make for some hurt feelings/anxiety for both kinds of people- for different reasons. When I was first dating my bf I did find myself feeling needy- like I’d returned to my much younger self- and it was very frustrating and kind of humiliating for me to deal with it. It was like I was dating for the first time again. Of course, the upside was the rush of the good emotions/feelings was so very intense and exciting- and addicting. I had trouble figuring out what was real and what was imagined. What was an acceptable and real concern and what was just this new me being hyper and anxious. My gut instincts were a ball of confusion. Thankfully, with time, this has gotten better, though I do still go to the dark places much quicker than pre-widow me.

I’m sorry those memories are dominating right now. I hate it when all I can see is the sickness stuff, very frustrating. I am hoping you are able to have some happy memories today also.