MissingSquish

There is nothing much I can say here aside from fuck everything.

This just in - a vote has been cast for A) Free Bird. Here in Pennsylvania (or what I like to call "North Arkansas"), that song has been played at more funerals than "Amazing Grace." Go check it out on YouTube. Or don't.

I prefer "Free Falling". But you need to sing the lyrics like this:

"Free BALLING".  As in you're going commando.

No, that's not a typo. Carry on. Sorry to interject with my ridiculous humor.

Thank you Trying and Lisa. I have learned so much during my grief journey and am happy to finally be in a good place.

What's EMDR?

EMDR is a modality of therapy that seeks to desensitize your PTSD thoughts. It does this through a technique called "Eye Movement Desentization and Reprocessing". You are asked to rate a specific disturbing thought from 0-10 with 10 being unbearably disturbing. Then, you hold either alternating buzzers or look at a light bar that has the lights alternate from your left to your right and are asked to think of that thought for a specified period of time.

This simulates REM sleep, and allows you to move past the disturbing thoughts much more rapidly and completely than through talk therapy. It's amazing.

He's not physically here to judge what you do with his ashes. Life changes. Circumstances change. The best of intentions and promises can't always be kept when someone is no longer here.

I've got a lot of Squish's writings, and he always wanted his words to be published in a book. I've tried many times to go through them and compile them into something cohesive and worthy. I can't do it. Every time I sit down with his writings, I lose my shit. It's been nearly 5 years since he's been gone.

He couldn't accomplish it in his lifetime, and it's no longer reasonable for me to try to do it. If he's mad any me when I get up to wherever he is, so be it.

This has much more to do with your mom's hang ups about your situation than you specifically. I would not take it personally. If you have a good relationship with your mom, I'd tell her that her behavior is hurting you.

I was married, but only for a short time, and I hadn't had a chance to change my name legally (but I went by my husband's last name socially). My mom addressed every single correspondence to me (any cards etc) with my legal name on it, and still does. I explained to her why it was hurtful, but I didn't change her behavior. I decided it wasn't worth it for me to fight with her over something she wasn't willing to change.

Best of luck as you navigate your journey.

Sending much love to you Michael. I have no other words. We are here for you.

As some of you know, I struggled with anxiety and depression before Squish died nearly 5 years ago. In fact, there was never a time throughout most of my life that I wasn't anxious and/or depressed. Therapy was invaluable to help me process my feelings after Squish died. EMDR therapy helped me much more than talk therapy, as it was more goal oriented.

I'm at the point in my life, and my grief that I don't have a desire to return back to therapy. I've got my good days and I have my bad days, just like everyone else on this planet. I've made peace with many things that were once triggering. The ones that are still triggering, I avoid, and I no longer put myself through torture to say I've conquered it. It's ok if I don't conquer everything. I'm human. I'm forever changed by becoming a widow. I respect it.  I am not recoupled and don't plan to be. And that's OK.

I have built a good life, with great friends (both widowed and non widowed) and a great support system. I've mended my relationship with much of my family. 

How did I do all of this? 

1. Lots of work in EMDR therapy to help heal my PTSD. I was constantly having deeply disturbing, intrusive and frequent thoughts.

2. Started to build a great support system by going to bagos and meeting some of my fellow wids.

3. Started joining groups that aligned with my hobbies and interests.

4. Got my reiki I certification and started practicing self love and self healing nearly every day.

5. Started excercising daily.

6. Started prepping my meals on Sundays for the rest of the week. This is one of the best things that I have started doing for myself. I have something to look forward to eating every day. I've changed my diet to avoid allergens and foods that I am sensitive to.

7. I log my moods and thoughts every day. I use the "Real Life Change" app on my phone.

I hope this post is helpful and helps to give some perspective. Things do get better. Life does get better. It can be even better than before you were widowed, even if you aren't recoupled.

Hello sex kittens!  This is a thread for us sexy widows and widowers to share our exciting plans for the crappiest Hallmark holiday ever. Go!

Me:

Siting on the couch, catching up on some work. Saw my primary care doctor today for a follow up visit this afternoon and had a very busy day at work.  Looking forward to the massive candy sales tomorrow.

Hanging on the couch, with the dog, on this SWSN.

Sending more love your way, Maureen.

Yup, I'm still firmly in the camp of not becoming recoupled again. I like my space, my life and my network that I've built for myself over the past 4 1/2 years. I don't see another man or relationship fitting into the mix. I'm unwilling to compromise and lose everything I've built over another guy.

The things I'm hoping I'll be able to accomplish in 2017:

Letting go of my best friend, as our relationship has upset me more than comforted me.

Enjoying each and every day with my dog.

Continue to make good choices for my health, my body and my heart.

Grow confidence in myself.

I think what bothers me most is that she can't be honest about her plans/commitments in general. All of the other stuff is upsetting, but doesn't impact me as much as the dishonesty does.

I've always prided myself on keeping only honest people close in my life. I have many acquaintances but few friends.

Some of the wids that saw me at the Bago this weekend know the news. The relationship with my best friend is essentially over.  She's been in sporadic contact with me, and I was continuing to try to reach out to her and be a listening ear. I can't make the effort anymore.

She texted me tonight after not speaking since Halloween.  She asked what my plans were for Christmas and New Years. She invited me to Christmas dinner with her toxic mom. I appreciate the gesture behind the invite, but if I'm avoiding my own toxic family for the holidays, I certainly don't want to spend time around hers. I expressed this to her in the past, and she knows that I will always refuse the invitation.

I did say my New Years was open, and she said she wasn't sure of her plans, but that she would let me know. Later on, in that same conversation, she admitted that she was invited (and planning on going) to another friends house (one who is married with kids and that I no longer speak to) for NYE and seeing her mom on NYD. She said that again, her son was sick with a stomach bug and wasn't sure if those plans would happen. If she's home sick with the kid, I am sure that her plans would not change to include me.

I don't get why she couldn't just say that she had plans already for New Years? 

I've been crying over this lost friendship for months. I feel like even more of my connection with Squish is dying, and that I feel more alone in this world than ever.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. I wish this didn't suck as much as it does.

It would have been our 5 year anniversary today. I had lunch with a good friend, and my mind has been mostly off the subject today. But man, does it hurt.

I don't get like this much anyone, as I'm 4 1/2 years out. I don't think I was this sad last year. Fuck this.

I've felt comfortable with two guys post widowhood. One was a bf for 10 months, and that didn't work out. And the other was a guy I recently dumped.

I dated previously, but I haven't found the right person to spend any considerable time with.  Most men have made me feel super uncomfortable post widowhood.

Solo sexy time has reduced me to tears after orgasm. I hate my life.

Sending hugs your way, Sugarbell. I agree with what the others have said. Mental illness/suicide is so poorly understood by so many, and the attempts to fit the suffering parties in a nice package is infuriating.

Another Sexy Saturday night is upon us again!  I'm doing my usual, sitting on the couch with the dog. We had an exciting day at his rescue's reunion picnic today. I succeeded at not adopting another dog today.

Sending love to you Donna. I don't have experience in this, just sending my support.

I reached out to a few friends yesterday, and have made plans for two weeks from now with both of them.  Thanks for inspiring me, Rob.

Fingers crossed that the plans don't fall through.

I totally understand. Many of my friends have started having children, and it is a stab in the heart. I'm 4 1/2 years out, and I'm not sure how I'd be if I had a child and was widowed. Tight hugs.