Helen

This has been an awful year. The reasons for this are too many to get bogged down by, but I think my worst yet as a widow. New Year or Hogmanay, is a huge deal here in Scotland and like everywhere else I suppose, a time to look forward to the future as well as back to the past. Pretty disastrous really as a widow. I could try and focus on the positives of becoming a widow, the only one I can think of is my increased empathy for others who are hurting. Most of it is shit though. I am alone this evening. Four years ago my home was full, with a husband and five children, and tens of friends. It would be hard for me to imagine a time in the near future when I would be alone. Alone I am though, like so many other people. Like Dory I will keep on swimming and part of that is reaching out to others who hurt this evening and maybe like me are alone. I know something of your pain and send you a huge hug. We are disparate and distant yet share so much and the internet is like tiny threads that bind us all together. I don?t have wisdom or answers, just wishing you all well this evening and raising a glass to my widow friends. *toasts the Wids* May your 2016 be a shed load better than your 2015 was, may all your appliances be operative at all times and your home be warm and dry and safe. Much love and respect for all the breathing and what not.

Minimalism is on my agenda too mmg, for me the possessions have so little value now, I know for others the opposite is true. 1. I again spent a chunk of the day clearing out things. Since Graham died 3 and a half years ago now, a half eaten bar of his favourite chocolate has remained in his bedside cabinet. It was time to throw it out and it's now gone. 2. Headed into Edinburgh this evening for some Turkish food with friends, they did a mezze meal and the starter selection would have been enough without the mains. Wonderful food. 3. The same friends and I went to see some hip-hop improvisation after eating, the trio were genius. Tomorrow is a huge day for me and I am facing the biggest of all of my demons. After so many years of hosting a Hogmanay party and always having a houseful of people I will be alone for 'the bells'. Being alone has been the thing I have found toughest of all as a widow, being alone on Hogmanay would be a huge deal for anyone Scottish. It will be a huge test of character. My survival record so far is impeccable, all passes with no fail and tomorrow is just another day to get through.

I am lucky enough to live in the most beautiful city in the world (maybe a little biased there). Edinburgh (the Scottish one)

1. Started the day at the gym, weights and then a swim, sauna and jacuzzi. 2. Got lots of recycling done. I am moving in May to a new home right in the middle of the city, it is being built just now and I am pretty excited about it but am taking the opportunity to get rid of lots of clutter. Today I managed to sort all the photos without crying. I also took lots of stuff to be recycled which always feels good. It's going to look like this. I am leaving my large family house on the edge of the city for a gorgeous apartment right in the centre, huge move for me (as I am sure you all can understand) and life will be very different, but I hope in a good way. 3. Worked this evening (sad but true) and got lots of my planning done for next term as well as writing some social stories, finishing IEPs and printing child friendly target sheets, designing a form and completing a maths assessment exemplar for a course. I always work best when I have a clear list and focus on one job at a time and tonight I crossed loads off my list. Next term is going to be a busy one as I am leading some training sessions and need to get these all sorted too this week.

1. Went into Edinburgh today with child #3, it is lovely to spend time alone with her. We had some tough talking to do, but it went OK. 2. Went to a lovely vegan cafe for lunch. 3. Started holiday hunting for 2016, nothing sorted yet but the hunting is fun.

1. Started the day with a TRX session and then a swim at the gym. The gym have been the thing that has got me through the last few years and going less recently because I have been working so much has been tough. It is good to be back over the holidays. 2. Sat and watched the final Downton Abbey this afternoon, curled up on the sofa, with no feelings of guilt for doing nothing. 3. Went to the cinema last night to see 'Sisters' which was very rude but also very funny.

Struggling hard today to keep afloat. My mood is an unpredictable as the Scottish weather. Being a single parent is an unrelenting, thankless task, even when the children are older as mine are, they have such high expectations and I am a limited resource. Focusing on the good things is like clinging to a life raft in a storm. 1. I slept brilliantly, waking at 9.15am which must have happened a handful of times this century. 2. We headed to the theatre this afternoon for our annual trip to the pantomime which was as funny as always, maybe this will be the last year though, maybe time for a new Boxing Day tradition next year. 3. Managed to hold it together (just) when I wanted to fall apart. The lure of the nut roast left overs held things in balance.

It's done =) 1. The kids staying here slept until 8.15 which was pretty miraculous. We all got a good nights sleep. 2. Lots of lovely presents including a Fitbit and a lovely vegan cookbook. 3. I made delicious food, lots of laughing and happy people. I am very blessed to have so many children and friends. Today was a good day, I had a few difficult moments but know I can survive those now. I miss him lots and nothing fills the gap he has left at the heart of our family and all of these occasions.

Christmas Eve 11pm and Santa has been! 1. Some of the kids and I went to do an 'escape challenge' in Edinburgh, we had an hour to get out of Di Vinci themed room. It took us 49 minutes and was huge fun. 2. Supper for 9 this evening was delicious. 3. Santa has been, most people are asleep and the house is quietish. Lots of presents as there are 9 of us here this evening. This is the 4th Christmas without Graham and I miss him very much, but I am very grateful to be surrounded by lovely people. Only #4 missing this evening, this is his first married Christmas and he is with his in-laws. Merry Christmas everyone <3

1. Christmas Eve Eve and I am surviving, everything is on course, people are arriving. I went food shopping at 7am for the posh stuff, then the rest of the food delivery came later. 2. Swam this afternoon and had the pool to myself almost the whole time, it was very relaxing. 3. Watching the finale of Homeland as I type this, this series has been brilliant.

1. Last day of teaching before the holidays! This has been a very stressful start to my new job as we were inspected and I have been working 70-110 hours a week. I am going to try very hard to relax some with my two weeks off now. 2. My daughter and new son in law arrived this evening for Christmas and we had a lovely evening together playing board games. 3. This morning the whole school went to the cathedral nearby for a carol service, it was lovely. * Huge mess someone else has made got sorted today by my youngest daughter and I, I am very grateful to her for helping me avert a mini crisis.

I am so grateful to you all for joining me again in this, massive respect to all of you who choose to keep on keeping on every day, you are all so inspirational. 1. My new job is in a pretty posh school and it had not occurred to me before today what that would mean for Christmas gifts for the teacher! Wow, I have not opened them yet and maybe some are just crap in designer bags but I don't think so! 2. The view from my classroom window this morning was spectacular, I can't share it as I am posting from my phone this evening but the sunrise over Calton Hill in Edinburgh was glorious. 3. Went out this evening to a noodle bar with a lovely friend, she lets me feel sorry for myself just the right amount before stopping me.

When I started this thread on the other forums years ago now it really helped my through those early tough days. Life has been unbelievably tough again this year and fighting to remain afloat has become a very difficult battle. I am still fighting though and so one of my weapons is going to be returning to this thread and trying to be grateful again for three things each day for a little while. I know I have much to be thankful for. 1. The tree is up, the presents bought and wrapped, the food shopping ordered. Christmas is pretty much sorted. 2. Three friends reached out to me today as they knew I was struggling. I am so very grateful to those who have not given up on me. 3. I made myself roasted cauliflower this evening and it was delicious.

Blatant click bait right there; disclaimer that the truth is not that interesting! This may end up being a bit controversial and I am sure people have different experiences and perspectives, but this post is just my personal reflection and maybe how others have felt too. As well as being a member here I am part of a UK Widows group too and this weekend they had a meet-up about 90 mins from me so I booked and went along on Friday. Now I will be the 1st to admit that I was tired, emotional and a little fragile (what happened last week is another story, which could potentially have much better click bait) when I arrived there about 6pm. As widows I think most of us have experienced how easy it is to feel outside of a group, walking into events alone, not quite fitting in at that dinner party and stuff. This is something I have found very hard for the last three years and I continue to work hard to pull myself out of my comfort zone, which really would be in bed watching Netflix. Going to events with other widows is the one place I think I should feel comfortable. So back to my weekend, I arrived and people were milling about getting a BBQ ready, I unpacked my case and my bike, looking forward to meeting new people and cycling. I don't really have much trouble chatting to new people so sat down at a bench and begun to get to know others. I was a little surprised how many men were there. As people began to chat though I realised these were all couples, and in fact many of the people there were re-coupled. They were all very keen to tell me this, before the new girl got any designs on their men. It is so tough to be a widow, so often feeling like the spare wheel, personally I don't want to go on a widow weekend with a whole lot of couples and feel that way there too. Hence I left after 2 hours, sneaking off into the night to avoid fuss. This could stir some feelings I know, but I am not aware it has been discussed previously. As I drove home, feeling pretty (and by pretty I mean really, really) shit and sorry for myself I wondered how others feel. I know many of you here have found someone else and I am pretty (and by pretty I mean a little bit) jealous of that, and that there are a whole raft of new issues to deal with when this happens that is legitimate for discussion. I don't want to say that those people should not come along to widow events because that remains part of them. I guess what I am asking is that those people be aware that this is an issue and to go to a bago and be surrounded by couples, being all coupley, is not at all helpful for those, like me, struggling with being alone. TL;DR: Bago was all couples, I was pissed off and left feeling alone and shittier than I have in ages. My question then is - should people stop going to bagos once they are re-coupled? (my infrequent posts here now should be labelled - Helen Has a Shitty Day #N)

The was of course more to this story that in that short summary Mike, the guy was a bit of an idiot and seemed to enjoy playing us off against each other. I am not sure what dating etiquette is and most of us who are busy on dating sites are not keeping ourselves to one contact, I have certainly had arrangements to meet more than one guy, but for me the line would be to not date two guys on the same day. It is fine that others draw this line elsewhere and I respect that, but when you know you are talking to two people who are friends maybe you should be aware of that and careful what you say. This guy telling my friend (who he had yet to meet) that he thought they had a long and happy future together, while also arranging to meet me just before meeting her suggests lack of good character to me. The pickings are few and I am not passing up on any reasonable opportunities, way too desperate for that!

If Match is the same everywhere then I find it really difficult to navigate. It is hard to follow a conversation and I have missed a couple of responses from people for some reason. All good though because: This guy is probably a keeper right One of my best friends is on the same dating site as me and we often have the same men contact us, recently one guy arranged to meet us both on the same day, same place, 2 hours apart. We both decided not to go and told him we were friends and he vanished.

A couple of my friends were in cults, one wrote a book about her experiences (called 'The Locust Years'), another is my bestie Ann. Both of them have pretty healthy attitudes towards the whole thing, neither are left with any long lasting damage, except a healthy suspicion of anything that looks at all weird. I am pleased TG#5 is working out so relatively well =)

This resonates with me too. I met Graham when I was 19 and we got married and had kids very quickly, I had never been on a date before becoming a widow. Three years in I have dated quite a few guys and had a couple of longer relationships but nothing that was going to last, I hate the thought that I will never meet anyone and that part of my life is done. My itches need scratched! It appears to be a buyers market for men and those my age seem to be looking for someone much younger, but really this can't be the whole truth, somewhere out there is someone for all of us! Part of my thinks I was lucky to find someone so wonderful the 1st time around but another part of me wants so much more. Honestly, I think us widows will make damn good spouses the 2nd time, we are going to be so grateful, so keen to enjoy each day and not take anything for granted and want so much sex. I will not be at all possessive, needy, can tackle so many of the jobs around the house on my own and have worked hard to develop my own pursuits so he can have 'cave time' unbothered by me. People should be queuing up to marry us. It should be a thing. Someone make it a thing!

I am going to bump this after reading another post, today was a lovely day then stuff went wrong this evening and left my daughter and I both in tears. Focusing on the good in the middle of the crap was always the intention of this thread. 1. This was the end of my 1st full week in my new job which seems wonderful, it's in the middle of the city, in a wonderful school, my room has a view of Carlton Hill in Edinburgh (gorgeous) and all of the people have been great. 2. Stayed in Edinburgh after work today and had a lovely time with child #5, ate tapas, watched a couple of shows in the Festival. 3. Home and read the comments here about this thread and honestly I had no idea this thread had been so positive for some of you, maybe I did something right these last three years and didn't mess everything up entirely. You made me smile on a dark evening.

Thanks for your post and your honesty HM, I consider us the same cohort and have travelled this road in the same timespan as you and it never ceases to amaze me that so many people with such different lives could experience so many of the same emotions at the same time. It is an overused sentiment maybe, but I could have written your post if I had your eloquence! As the years pass I realise that the 'swimming through waves' analogy is the one which is closest to my truth. The more I swim, the stronger I get, but I still feel the riptide of depression hauling me in another direction and I have to work hard to keep afloat. The shore sometimes feels further and further away and I look back upon the life I had before the cancer bomb and want so much to be back there and to experience, and appreciate, the ease of it all; my desert island life, life was a breeze and I just didn't know how much. These last few weeks I have thought so often how wonderful it would be to have a 'do over', there are so many things I would do differently. No regrets really, just a different perspective on life that would appreciate so much more. From the start HM I have felt we had a similar outlook, focusing on the good, pushing forward and doing what we could to embrace the positives remaining. I hope you find your peace again, you are right, this is such a heavy burden to carry alone and that I feel most keenly, it is the reason I still read posts here often, to know I am not alone in my aloneness. Like you much of my thought recently has been on just how tough life is to shoulder alone, and that constant thought that if I don't just do it, it will not get done. It's still crap at this junction, but when I look back from the perspective of sickness or old age, I want that certainty that I did my best, even if that was superficial and exhausting. Massive respect to you as always =)

Three years out now and I tried my first holiday alone this week, thanks to the encouragement of Grace. Packed my bags and headed off to a retreat in the far north of Scotland, just for three nights, pretty nervous. I chose the place carefully, knowing that eating alone would be too difficult, this place everyone ate together at one big table. Mostly is was pretty great, I chatted to lots of lovely people from all over the world, including the Belgian Orienteering team and made friends with a wonderful German lady who ended up returning to Edinburgh to stay with me (just took her back to the airport). During the day it was lovely to be able to do whatever I liked at my own place and each day I headed out with my bike and cycled. One day I cycled most of the day through forest and along a beach without seeing a soul! I survived getting lost three times (thank God for GPS) and was lucky not to get a puncture or fall off when so isolated. I can see from this perspective now that there are advantages to being alone, making your own choices, going at your own pace and only having to please yourself, but oh my goodness the evenings were awful! Once we had all eaten at 6pm there was nothing to do, I was tired from cycling, everyone vanished and I found myself in bed by 8.30 once! This was an experiment and I think it has given me the courage to try this again, but I need to be better planned and have some movies downloaded or something for the evenings as remote places in Scotland have no phone signal. Positives: I had a fantastic few days Cycled some gorgeous places Ate with others Reflexology and yoga Met amazing people Negatives: Evenings were crap and lonely Getting a little scared when I got lost I am interested as to how others have coped holidaying alone and what do you do in the evening?

Leaders should be servants, and self-serving does not count here and the fact that this guy is even a serious candidate is terrifying from my Scottish perspective. She was a horrible, manipulative bitch who lowered the glass ceiling for women to succeed here for decades because she left a culture that believed that all successful women were the same. I grew up in a coal mining town during the miners strike she orchestrated and there are very few people hated as much. About as refreshing to many here as a prolonged swim in an ice bath ... with piranhas .... and no towel when you get out.

Twenty five years ago today I married this wonderful man. It was not the quiet wedding we wanted and our plans were to renew our wedding vows today (and have a 2nd honeymoon). As well as being grateful for the 21 years we were married I feel so sad today that we didn't this far. What makes today even more hard to bear is that one of my sons is getting married on Saturday and today we are making his cake. I want a do-over, want this to be me again and want him back so much.

The 30th June would have been my 25th wedding anniversary and just thinking about it makes me upset, it's one of those events you plan for years in advance and we had plans. My son is getting married a few days afterwards so all 5 of the kids are arriving home and this evening told me they are planning something for that evening and would I like them to invite lots of people. This is exceptionally kind and thoughtful and a little unlike their teenage (and post teenage) selves, but I am thrown. Obviously having 5 children is something to celebrate, and the impeding wedding a few days later too, but this was not the plan and part of me just wants to ignore the day, keep wedding planning busy and wait for it to pass. Has anyone else 'celebrated' something like this and if so how did it go and what did you do?

I really feel your pain with this one SMO4. I have dealt with 2 surgeries in the past year, the 1st one was 6 weeks stuck at home and the 2nd one was 12 weeks. It has taken me quite a while though to begin to pull myself back together mentally, possibly this was my toughest period of grief. The time of recovery just left me with so many feelings of being helpless and frustrated. My kids are around the same ages as yours and were pretty much useless. This would have been a tough time even if Graham was alive. My response really is just to say that 'this too will pass', now as it begins to warm up here I feel some hope seeping back into my bones. My faith, which has been challenged so much by the constancy of trials, is very slowly recovering too. Hope is what we all need and losing hope this winter that things would get better, was extremely tough. God spoke to me last September and told me that from then on there would be more 'green lights' in my life, much of my frustration was this long winter with only red ones. Maybe He told me because it was going to be such a tough time, I am not sure but finally this week I got my first green one and change is afoot. My prayer for you is that this crap will pass soon and your joy and energy will be restored, but until then there would be some fun to be had somehow.