Helen

I can't thank you all enough for the advice and encouragement, this is such a wonderful community and I feel honoured to be part of it. Reading the responses here reminded me that I am not alone and that so many of you understand the pain each stage of moving on causes, you all really did help so much. I made the decision by separating the issues some in my head, taking the job, I will initially commute. Now this one is made I feel myself getting ready for selling the family house, which still feels huge, but I can feel the ties holding me here being cut. My plan will be to begin the new job in August, get the 2 weddings out of the way (child #1 and child #4) then contemplate selling. One step at a time I think.

Not posted for a while as I have been struggling lots recently and felt like I was just whining but really need my widow friends this evening. I have been praying for change, applying for new jobs and this evening am terrified because I got one. It would mean moving into the middle of the city eventually as the commute would bother me. Change is what I wanted to why now that it looms does it scare me so much that it immobilises me into making a decision. This was our home together, the kids grew up here and it's lovely, but it is also too big. My question to you all is about moving and moving on, have any of you regretted leaving your home together and how did you cope with the process?

Thanks all for your thoughtful responses. As an update - I asked the lodger to move out, sad but necessary. Sorted one of the kid's issues but #4 is being awful. I am a bit of a mess at the moment, so much stuff, and swimming upstream is taking it's toll. I am so tired of being sad. Tomorrow I will try church for the 1st time in weeks, it's going to be tough and to make it tougher I hear the sermon is about moving the church forward and where we came from and Graham's picture will be used a few times since we moved here to start the church. *sigh* One day soon I want to be posting about my chapter 2 and new exciting things. I so want my green lights.

I am late lots, I hate being late, but often it just takes so much energy to sort myself out. I was never late for anything before.

Now that I am almost 5 months post surgery my fitness is returning at last and I have dropped 12lbs in the last few weeks and am beginning to tone up again. My week now looks like: Body Pump x2 (strength) TRX Force workout x2 (resistance training) Swim (about a mile each time) x3 (cardio) Yoga x2 (flexibility and strength) Sadly my surgeon said I should not be doing crossfit any more, which I loved, but the TRX is ticking that box. I would love some variety though now and to push myself into new things. My plan for this year was to do a triathlon but that is not going to happen now because of some post-surgery stuff sadly, so I am looking for a new challenge.

This really resonated with me too. At 3 years out now I need and crave change but am also terrified by it. After there being 7 of us in this home it is now just me and child #5 and this autumn she will be gone too. For the 1st time in my life I will be living alone. That scares me some, but the real issue is all the work looking after a house and garden alone, some days the responsibility overwhelms me. My plan is to apply for new jobs and see what comes up, but which regions or countries to apply in is a dilemma, then to move near the new job. I do know I am fed up waiting for change to need to make it happen, but only just staying afloat currently.

At almost 3 years out now I feel pretty apologetic for posting because I only seem to these days on the very low days. For much of the last year I have tried hard to not allow this widow crap to define me, but the harder I fight it the larger it seems to get and it is frustrating me so much. I need my widow friends so much. As a Christian I am often told by others that God will not give me more to cope with than I can manage, but I think many of us know this is not true. There have been so many days in the last 7 years when I have had more than I can manage, but since becoming a widow this is more apparent as I shoulder so much alone. God has been so distant since Graham died, I try to seek him because I know 'If I seek him I will find him' but it feels like trying to catch soap. Last Autumn I felt that God spoke to me for the 1st time in ages and said that from now on I would have more 'green lights' and as a sign that evening as I drove around the city I would only come to green lights, which happened and was ridiculous. This gave me much needed hope that things were going to begin to change, but since then life has just been one major struggle after another, surgery and 3 months of no driving and being stuck at home, the surgery has left me with some long term stuff that is going to impact life lots. No luck finding a new job yet, last one I was 2nd out of 120 applicants. Some of the kids have been horrible to me and one has accused me of things that are the opposite of the truth which has hurt me deeply and there is no one to mediate here with no Graham. This is a bit of a side issue really but I told my lodger (she is 25, and I consider her a good friend) on Wednesday how low I was feeling and tried to explain that this was not about anything she had done (I knew she felt she had upset me). I said I had got the closest to suicide last weekend that I had even been, but would not follow through and was really pleased when she and child #5 got home. She lost it, screamed, 'how dare you tell me this', and shouted, bawled and wailed, slammed doors and scared me to the extent that I had to leave the house. When I returned I ignored her, I really don't do drama and have always ignored bad behaviour as much as possible, she packed and left about 11pm and has not been back since. A side issue, like I said, but just one more thing to deal with. She wants to come back and talk this over but I am concerned that making drama so she can have time with me where I appease her is her goal here, its a little bit of a pattern. There is no where else in life that I feel as lonely as I do in church, a church that my husband and I started with others 15 years ago. Most people ignore me and so often I stand alone, I have tried so damn hard to remain in this church that I love, but now I wonder if it is time to move on. I am the only widow in church and as we all know, no one else really understands and goodness I should be over this by now. I feel like a 'non-person' with no value. A lovely Christian friend whom I really trust told me recently that I need to accept that in this next phase of my life that God will be my 'husband'. He is however distant and silent, appears to ignore my prayers and if He was real it would be time for a divorce. I so want to be married again, this is hard to accept. I pray about all of these things all the time, it feels like a very long time since any of my prayers were answered and it is making be embittered in a way that I dislike. There are so many more things than this to deal with, but I am bored even typing all this crap. Please if you have read this tirade do not consider responding with any of these: 'It will all work out in the end Helen, don't forget Job'. 'Everything has purpose and is all about working out a greater plan'. 'When God is distant just push through harder' (I am trying) I heard all this before and it really is not helping. I was happily married with 5 kids, I had purpose and a plan. This is not how this was supposed to work out, it's a shit story and I know we could between us fill a room with shit stories. Something has to change and I am trying to change thing, trying to get my 'green lights' but nothing. It is good to be able to record this somewhere I know others understand, thanks for allowing that. Widow Island suggestions are welcome.

'The house didn't explode' is so in line with the original intention of this post and made me giggle! 1. Wonderful widows and whisky, Lovely day yesterday with Grace and Sarah, a little Edinburgh sightseeing, some whisky tasting, excellent food and great company. I did wonder what anyone overhearing sections of our conversation would make of it! 2. Weather here was lovely this weekend, some sunshine you could really feel. 3. Friday there was a 95% eclipse here which brought out the geek in me and got me pretty excited.

I should have added that I adore the NL and am so up for the Widows on Wheels thing!

I booked and am also staying at the Wyndham for 3 nights, I have booked a twin room and there is just me so if anyone is struggling because of the cost they can share with me. Flying on the Thursday and arriving about 5pm then flying home the Sunday afternoon at 5.30pm. Looking forward to meeting you all. 8)

Such a privilege to see these ladies again. Me, Grace and Sarah whisky tasting in Edinburgh this evening.

And today: 1. Yoga and swimming this morning, nothing much changes for me! 2. Bought all my kids Easter eggs this afternoon, very grateful that I live somewhere with excellent chocolate. 3. Watched a funny film this evening with child #1 and the lodger 'Pride', was pretty epic.

The original post was started on the 15th October 2012 and for so long it was part of my healing process. I am so grateful to those who joined me on this part of my journey with 2198 posts altogether, which I make as over 6000 good things. This was my 1st post: I am a mum to 5 teenagers and a teacher, living in beautiful Scotland. My lovely husband died this summer. One of the ways I am getting through is to try and pick the things out of each day that I am incredibly grateful for, I try to get 3 every day, it does not always work though. I will try and keep posting mine and maybe others can join me. 1. Child #5 came home safely from visiting a friend, she had been gone for a week and I missed her lots. She is great company I realise. 2. I did eventually get to sleep at 6am and got a whole 4 hours, I was very grateful it was Sunday today. 3. It was cold outside and when we got home the house was lovely and warm. My own favourite post was on the 15th September 2013, I remember it so well! 1. I had the most amazing weekend ever. 2. See above. 3. See above. My favourite post from someone else who may like to remain nameless but I know who it was: 1. Umm @#$%^ 2. Ooops, we are just friends?!?! 3. M effing sexy naked! OMG what have I done????! thanks all <3