ATJ

What I struggle with a lot, as I see my co-workers and friends with their families and children and nice homes, is that I never got that…

 

I miss a life that never happened.  I miss the places we never went to.  I miss the dreams we never realized.  I miss the people we never became…

 

I'm wondering where the silver lining is.  It's unfair that some people's lives are filled with tragedy and then end in tragedy.

 

What's the lesson in that?  I just don't understand it.

I remember you from the YWBB and certainly can understand weeping tears about what has occurred and also the life you never had. Your story saddens my heart! - At times it can seem that:

Throughout my life I have observed the gross inequity in 'cosmic balance' and often questioned 'universal order'. At times it seems egregiously unfair and inexplicable. The longer I have lived, the more I tend to agree with the 'Socratic paradox': "I know that I know nothing".

Life is inherently unfair, erratic and uneven in bestowing its favor, irrespective of positive attitude, courage, determination or diligence.

Tom Stoppard, with sardonic wit, said it best:

I have not walked in Your shoes - each life story and aggregate circumstances are different. But I honor your feelings and can understand your questioning, and also why you grieve for what 'should have been' - the lost hopes and dreams and love. There are so many facets to loss and grief, and they cannot be easily pushed aside or erased.

You have shown great courage and perseverance throughout it all, but after a while 'battle fatigue' can set in, and then it’s hard to see a silver lining. A seemingly endless slog can challenge our resolve at times.

Although we have to learn to accept the irrevocable, it can still be hard. People often flippantly suggest to simply develop a "Plan B", OR, the famous just "move on". -  Of course, it is a given to try finding new avenues, there is no alternative! Life forces us to do so, and most people attempt their utmost to reach a better place. Seeking ways to survive and thrive is an instinctive response of all sentient beings after having been dealt a massive blow. However, even the most determined endeavor is not always granted equal opportunity to succeed at the same rate or speed. So many external factors and personal circumstances can play a role in how fast or far we can go. - I honor your feelings while at the same time would like to sow little seeds of hope.

((Sugarbell))

The 'Sands of Time' are in perpetual motion, steadily blown by the Winds of Life, and they inexorably move us along – days, weeks, months, years – and suddenly we face an entire DECADE! -  A huge, significant marker of time that can be jolting, but at minimum make us pause and wonder HOW we got here – perhaps even somewhat surreal. – Yours had been an incredibly tumultuous and difficult road, mainly in the early years. I admire your indomitable spirit and perseverance in pulling yourself up from the deepest moments of darkness while holding your little family together, providing a structured life and happy home for them. You have made quantum leaps!

Alas, for You, the convergence of the simultaneous, annual events/reminders must surely be emotionally and mentally draining, especially the dark shadow of the anniversary, juxtaposed with the happy occasion of celebrating the birthday of your beloved son. These conflicting, dissonant emotions are a challenging task for the psyche to process, and I am sending you MUCH positive energy and support!

Thinking of you today and wishing You and Your family abundant Blessings and a future filled with Happpiess.

ATJ 

@Monique -

Thank you for venturing into this forum, especially since you have only recently started out on this rough and bumpy road. It was very kind of you to reach out to someone who must seem light years ahead of you on this journey, and whose circumstances are quite different. It shows a compassionate and caring heart in the midst of your difficult struggles and their raw nature. But despite the many intervening years that separate our experience, I still vividly remember those very early days and how lost I felt. Therefore, I hope that you will find some support in this community and obtain a sense of solidarity among your peers.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. - The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, THAT is a friend who cares.”

~~ Henri Nouwen

@BrokenHeart

The lyrics are so moving and speak to the heart, and the background images enhance the emotions expressed.

Thank you for sharing it with us! 

ATJ

BrokenHeart2,

Thank you for your kind words. I am glad that you were able to draw some small measure of comfort from my expressed thoughts - if only momentary. I have not walked in Your precise shoes, and the distance between our respective losses is great. But I do remember that ‘soul crushing’ feeling you alluded to very vividly, as well as the conflicting, often colliding emotions. Widowhood is a broad ‘umbrella term’, and the only completely unambiguous correlation between the club members’ circumstances is a dead spouse. While there are MANY commonalities, there are also infinite nuances, and sometimes even stark differences between our individual situations, and therefore it is a fallacy and futile endeavor to compare ourselves to others in ‘measuring progress’. I had to learn that the hard way. Thus, I am highly reluctant to dispense advice or impart ‘wisdom’ gained, but only try to lend a supporting hand - and sometimes just listening and hearing the other person’s cry may be most helpful.

However, I do remember my desperate attempts to ‘let go’ and leave behind the pain, especially the great inner isolation you have described. Often I doubted my judgment and recuperative capacity when I saw other ships passing me on the ‘ocean of grief’ with seemingly great ease, while I struggled to ‘right the ship’ and reset my course.

I had always taken charge of my life, no matter how challenging the circumstances or steep the hurdles, but THIS was an experience unlike any other and only allowed me to proceed at glacial pace. I often felt like an outsider, even among my fellow widows, and began losing my sense of stride. My path has taken so many twists and turns during the labyrinthine marathon that I often lost my sense of orientation along the way, and the word ‘surreal’ most aptly described my predominant frame of mind.

I traversed deep valleys, climbed steep, rugged mountains, and sometimes simply stood still for a while from sheer exhaustion and lack of visibility of the course ahead. And just when I thought that the road had evened out a bit, I often found myself in an unexpected minefield, with exploding, hidden grenades. –

It was hard enough to ‘let go’, but equally challenging to start over, and with every step forward, I often had to retrace my steps and circumvent buried landmines – a most frustrating, wearisome experience, especially when I thought I had gained small triumphs. I do offer this insight with a great caveat, because MY experience does not necessarily reflect that of others.

I found both challenges testing my endurance level, often to the breaking point. Also, I have to admit that this ‘journey’ (what a quaint & trite euphemism!) has been the most humbling experience of my life, because it seemed like a perpetual apprenticeship - constantly ‘going back to class’ and having to learn new lessons, without ever receiving a diploma, and even having to learn to walk all over again.

While life in general is a continual process of personal evolution with its associated ‘growing pains’, THIS has had the added burden of carrying a heavy residual ballast on my shoulders and made progress much more laborious, slow and exhausting. - But, onwards we must go and not let headwinds weaken our resolve and perseverance! -  That was my steady mantra, and I have come a long way since then.

ATJ

Deleted song - poor translation of English subtitles.

It has hit me hard today that I don't have anyone who really knows me and what I've been doing or what is happening with me. Nobody, nada and that makes me sad and lonesome even more for DH.

((BrokenHeart2))

Not to feel truly known by anyone is the greatest loneliness there is. It is the ‘solitary confinement of the soul’. - One can be surrounded by people and lead a busy social life - and Yet, feel deeply lonely, constantly wearing an invisible mask. Often, and sadly, even people with whom we have had personal connections for years, sometimes do not really know our inner core. There can be an invisible barrier, either subconsciously erected on their part or ours.

Some people may put us into a box and want to keep us there because it makes them more comfortable – OR, for some subliminal reason, WE may have trust issues with them when it comes to our most vulnerable self. It takes a true soul connection, vibrating on the same frequency, in order to totally feel at ease and ‘at home’ with someone. In my own experience that has been very rare.

You are not alone in your predicament, others have struggled and expressed this in their own ways:

…” even after 4 yrs….  He is still too much in my heart. I refrained but all I wanted to do was talk about my DH.  DH was so prevalent in my mind. – “I'm not actively grieving but at the same time I guess I'm just not ready for anything else yet either."

Unfortunately, grief is a highly individual experience and does not follow a specific timeline nor adhere to a logical formula - It takes as long as it takes, which sounds like a banality, but is true.- Even when people have identical PHYSICAL wounds, and are being given the same level of care and treatment, they heal at a different pace.

Therefore, the temptation often arises to quickly want to find a solution - a “fix” - in the form of human connections, even as they may not really meet our deepest needs. It is only natural not wanting to hurt anymore – either physically or emotionally.

Wishing you Healing and Blessings,

 

ATJ

@marian53 -

How delightful to hear another voice from the past and to read your heartwarming words, which deeply touched me! Although I have moved past those gut-wrenching days of crushing and constant pain, I often miss that sense of solidarity and ‘virtual companionship’ that many of us shared years ago. It was the ONLY thing that carried me through those horrid days. Neither therapists, nor reading a plethora of grief literature did anything to assuage my pain or help me to hold on during those haunting, fearful and sleepless nights, ONLY my fellow travelers who walked beside me on this dark and scary road did that. I often focused on just a few simple, but sincere words on the computer screen to steady myself and could actually FEEL the inner connection, much like another person in the same lifeboat holding my trembling hand. It also greatly helped me to listen to the pain of others, and I so wanted to bring them comfort. I cried with them and for them. And You were among those who spoke the language of my heart. I vividly remember  your writing about your beloved Peter, which always tugged at my heartstrings.

Thank you so much for remembering me and still showing your support! Even as we have moved forward with our lives, it is still reassuring and brings comfort  - I hope that life has brought you more sunshine than clouds and that the hurdles have become smaller. Many blessings and much happiness to you!

Since then I’ve traveled a great distance and reached new destinations, but it has also been challenging along the way trying to reshape myself in order to navigate this uncertain terrain into which I had suddenly been catapulted.

I have built an entirely new life, making many drafts and tossing some out. Trial and error, not following a linear path, and sometimes I wonder ‘How did I get here?' But, there is much to be grateful for. I have learned many new things, broadened my horizon, stretched myself beyond my comfort zone and became more daring, had many new experiences, and met new people. At the same time, I can never quite “unsee” the images from my past because they are indelibly imprinted in my mind and soul. Therefore, my ‘new life’ at times resembles a Rorschach Test, and depending on the situation, I see different images –  But they are hidden from the view of others.

I try to concentrate on the many blessings I enjoy and be grateful for them… YET, there are still moments, especially around anniversaries, when I feel "The absence of presence, the endless time of never coming back..." as Tom Stoppard said.

Even after all these years, the heart seems to have its own compass and often still points in its own direction, no matter where I want to go.

My husband had such a profound and formative impact on me. Having lost my parents at a young age, and not having had any siblings, sowed early seeds of loneliness. To escape from this, I embarked in my youth on a new life journey onto a different continent, leaving behind my familiar culture, customs, native language and remnants of human connections I had formed. Upon arriving in this new land, I did not know a single soul. One day I met my future husband, and he literally opened an entirely new world for me. He introduced me to his culture with its indigenous customs, expanded my knowledge of American history, taught me about peculiar linguistic idioms, which were often puzzling to me and led to funny misinterpretations, and he showed me the spectacular geographical wonders of this great land.

In the process he became not only my mentor, but also my cultural emulsifier. I finally had found “home” again. Since we did not have any children, he was the center of my world and anchored me in this new land. I became the graft on his deeply rooted tree, drawing my sense of belonging from Him. I literally ‘grew up’ once again, this time on foreign soil, with him being my guide. Gradually I formed other connections with people, whom I considered true friends, but, as many of us have experienced, they quickly disappeared after tragedy struck. – And so, I had to leave the past behind once more and had to construct a new life, this time without any assistance. - My husband was the most pivotal force in my life and therefore left a permanent imprint.

Two days after this anniversary of my husband’s death I was driving in my car, and the song I had linked to my original post ran through my mind, part of which said: “Un jour après la mort nous nous rencontrerons” – "Some day after death we shall meet again". While I am not sure what to believe concerning this matter, it sounded comforting, if only in my imagination. - Then suddenly, in the middle of a big, busy road, right across my windshield, flew a bright red Cardinal bird with wide-spread wings, wildly flapping them, as if to draw my attention. I was so stunned, bringing tears to my eyes, and said ‘Thank You’ to my husband. THIS was always the sign I so desperately used to ask for in the very early days of my grief, and at the time I received it ONCE. And now it was comforting to believe, if only for a moment, that he is still near me.

ATJ

@Ginger -

Thank you for remembering me on this shared and sad anniversary date. Each year, when the calendar turns, I am also thinking of You, wondering how your life has unfolded. This is indeed a strange club we belong to and whose membership came at a steep cost - and yet, it brings comfort, even after all these years, knowing that others bore witness to our respective stories and walked for a while at our side.

ATJ

@WifeLess -

Thank you so much for your kind words! Although you started on this journey several years after me, you have always been a steadfast and loyal travel companion. You’ve walked alongside me through the deepest valleys as a fellow ‘SOS’ and stretched out a hand of support when I had to navigate perilous terrain – never wavering, never judging, never lecturing - only offering silent encouragement through your steady presence.

You have done this for so many in this forum and its preceding version, the YWBB. I wanted to take the opportunity to express my gratitude and appreciation for your deep loyalty, sincerity and generosity of spirit that have benefited so many who were caught in the turbulent and painful world of loss. Also, you have NOT ‘abandoned ship’ when your personal life circumstances turned for the better, but remained a firm pillar of support and guardian of this community. Thank you for that!

My warmest regards to You and your lovely Bluebird!

 

ATJ

@BrokenHeart2 –

Thank you for acknowledging me through your kind words. The song, to which I posted a link, expresses the loss of a loved one and the powerful range of emotions so many of us have felt, but it is also hopeful and deeply resonates with me. Unfortunately I do not have an English lyrics version for you. -  I hope that your own path has evened out a bit and that you can look to the future with some hope and faith.

ATJ

Today would have been my 24th anniversary with my first husband Barry. …

So far today, I haven't been plagued with the typical flashbacks to our last 2 anniversaries when he was alive.  Both of those anniversaries found us camped out in ICU's, with him critically ill.  … memories that have lost some of their bite.

It is all kind of confusing.  This seems to be a summer of mourning again, just in a different way than the last 2 summers.  I've been changed so much by death.  I don't even know what normal is anymore. ... Thanks for listening.

Death is the powerful enforcer of change and continual transition. For certain, we are no longer the same and keep going through evolving phases, propelled by the original impetus. It inevitably causes much confusion and self-questioning and definitely challenges our understanding of "Normal".

While change itself is a constant part of life in general, death adds its own deep imprint, indelibly embossed on our heart, mind and soul. Even our yardstick for measuring "normal" has changed, because we now see everything in our orbit through a different lens.

I wish that you can find your inner equilibrium that allows you to stand on firm ground again and regain steady footing.

To a Brighter Tomorrow!

 

ATJ

I will always miss him, especially when celebrating one of our kids, and I will always incorporate him in our lives.  But I know he wanted us to keep living, to find our own way, and on these days when I feel like I have found that balance of honoring his memory and living life in the present, my heart is full.  It's not every day or even every week that I feel this way so I embrace it when it happens.

((Trying))

These moments of joy and finding balance after our loss are like cherished raindrops in the desert. They are messengers of Hope and Renewal and fill the heart with gratitude.

ATJ

How very thoughtful and kind of you to reach out to me with such warm and uplifting words, which make me feel welcome in this community, despite my "veteran status". Thank you for that!

I am so glad that You have found renewed happiness

in the mysterious and wondrous "Meadow of Life".

 

Many Blessings to You!

 

ATJ

My husband died four years ago today. …I have survived his death, though for a long time I didn't care if I did. I have fallen in love again, despite my best efforts not to. I am both better and worse from his death, and am coming to peace with that.

Thank you for your supportive words to a total stranger! I am glad that in a small way my post has brought you some solace as well. It is rewarding to know that we can all help each other, sometimes even unbeknownst to us, by simply sharing our feelings.

ATJ

“It will be/would have been our 20th year wedding anniversary on Saturday- we made it to 17. I always said we'd go on a cruise for our 20th. … Well now I just want to crawl under the covers.”

((piecesofapart))

Anniversaries are difficult, especially in the early years, and even later (for some), because they shine a glaring spotlight on what is missing and highlight the unfulfilled hopes and dreams we shared with our loved ones.

It is an especially lonely feeling when most others have forgotten or ignore it for their own reason. But at least WE can make sure that our loved ones are not forgotten by holding them close in our heart. 

As to dealing with anniversaries, unfortunately there is no magic elixir or universal coping method. Each one of us has to find his/her own way, based on our unique circumstances and personalities. But, we can try to recall loving memories that bring us comfort and hold onto them.

Your very kind words touched my heart. Thank you so much for that! It is especially meaningful coming from two other ‘veterans’ who have walked this rough and bumpy road for a long time as well, even as our individual experiences are unique.

It brings comfort and encouragement to know that one's feelings STILL resonate with some former travel companions and even those whose sad journey began years after mine.

ATJ

… there are no profundities to be found in loss.  It's terrible, awful, and at the end of any supposed journey, it doesn't matter. The person you loved more than anyone else is gone. … Five years.  I still wake up every morning, wondering where she is. …  I miss her so damn much.

You are quite right, Quixote, all the "profundities" fly out the window when it comes to the loss of the person most central to our life. Artful words are meaningless, and the typical platitudes seem to be dismissive of our true feelings. Although I have traveled down this road twice as long as you, I still don't have anything more illuminating or "deep" to offer than: It hurts and leaves a big void, even as we resume 'the logistics of life'.

It must be lived to be understood and is unique for each person. Nobody can quite understand someone else's experience. You have loving and treasured memories, but in the end, as you put it: …  "I miss her so damn much."

Wishing you Peace and a brighter Horizon on your continued sojourn!

 

ATJ

Thank You to everyone who has so kindly responded to my post! I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness in reaching out and acknowledging my sentiments on this anniversary! As a 'veteran', who is much further out than the majority here, I've grown increasingly ambivalent about expressing my feelings - here or anywhere else. The world expects one to be totally "over it" – impervious to the lingering memories.

Yes, I have created a new life for myself and in the process have emerged with an altered sense of identity. My life has in fact become "much easier" from a practical and outside perspective, after many years of extremely intense caregiving, which taxed my physical, mental and emotional capacity to the outer limits - although I would do it again without hesitation!

As a childless woman, this new life has granted me total freedom to forge my own path and to boldly experiment along the way if I so choose, doing things I would never have considered before. It has made me more daring in certain aspects and defiantly non-conformant to society's expectations and doctrines. My current life, and the many turns it has taken, resembles NOTHING of its former structure. I have made some impressive strides in unexpected areas, but also have stumbled many times along the way and made mistakes.

While I want to live in the present and be cognizant and grateful for my new blessings, my mind is inexorably drawn back by a magnetic force, each time the anniversaries approach. My subconscious psyche travels back in time and retrieves memories – some quite painful, others that make me wistfully sigh.

So, even after all these years I am still affected by anniversaries, most significantly by the one of his death. It descends upon me like a gathering storm, which I cannot outrun. BUT, I also want to give recognition to him so that he is NOT forgotten, by at least ONE!

In my daily life I hardly ever invoke my husband's name or even refer to his erstwhile existence, since he is now irrelevant to the world and the people surrounding me. It often feels as if I live a dual existence – one visible, "shiny and new"  -  the other hidden deep inside, obscured from the world and those in my circle.

We all know that our earthly sojourn is temporary and fleeting from the universal perspective, but the lives of the departed were cut off even more prematurely by Life's powerful and merciless executioner at his own whim. Those who are no longer here also had hopes and dreams, which never came to fruition, and it saddens my heart. Life is a gamble and thus inherently unfair. Therefore, I feel that it is important to "Never Forget" and remember those who have lost at "the game of life".

That sentiment is very poignant and seems quite appropriate, irrespective of the precipitating circumstances of each loss.

The departed loved ones may no longer be the "sine qua non" for our daily survival, nor constantly preoccupy our mind as in the early days, but they can still hold a special place in our heart. Moving forward, yet still remembering and missing HIM, is not mutually exclusive - at least not for THIS woman!

Again, I wish to express my gratitude to those who listened to my sentiments documented here, and took the time to acknowledge my outpouring with kindness and generosity of the heart! Most of the world cannot even remotely relate to my feelings at this point, and it makes for great inner loneliness and a sense of isolation.

I bid you Peace.

 

ATJ

I'm realizing that not all of my misery is related solely to losing T. Some of it likely is r/t my age and my feelings about the world today and the responsibilities/worries for my kids' futures. ...

I would like to add a small modifier to the above quotation. - After gradually loosening my grip on the past, the "starting over" has proven to be equally challenging and often frightening. I understand your quandary!

Sending you courage, strength and resolve to face what lies ahead!

 

ATJ

Chère Sandrine,

La perte de son époux est tellement insupportable et une tragédie puissante qui peut totalement boulverser notre vie. C’est extrêmement dur et douloureux, et l’on se sent tout seul au monde.

Notre communauté ici peut offrir un peu de réconfort et soutien parce qu’on est tous ensemble dans une bataille commune et tragique. J'espère que vous obtiendrez un peu de consolation parmi les autres qui se trouvent dans des circonstances similaires.

 

Que votre cœur brisé soit guéri et paisible!

 

Meilleurs vœux,

 

ATJ