ATJ

Through Google I found the following article, which MAY help some of you?

 

ATJ

"Coping with Guilt" - Article from 'Beliefnet'

Guilt is one of the most powerful negative reactions to the loss of a loved one, equaled only by anger as a common grief experience. After someone close to us dies, we think back to events, conversations, or modes of behavior we engaged in before the death. We examine the way in which we believe we played a vital role in that person's final decline, accident, or illness. Often, we assume responsibility for the death, which can range from thinking we were unkind or unhelpful to thinking we actually caused the death.

Regardless of how or why our loved one died, we sift through the evidence of past behavior, giving ourselves reasons to be miserable. We become tormented by our own perceived failures, omissions, insults, poor judgment, or unwise choices.

When someone dies, our world is in disarray, and our lives suddenly seem unpredictable. Our reality is turned upside down. By feeling guilty, we give ourselves a sense of having control over the situation. If we can assume guilt for the death, then we can impose some order on chaos. We create cause and effect, saying to ourselves, "Because I did this, then this happened." But these self-inflicted emotional wounds plunge us even further into despair. What can we do to relieve ourselves from the torment of these self-accusations?

There are several ways to cope effectively with guilt.

Apologize to your loved one.

One of the ways to release guilt is to talk it over with the person to whom it is linked?even though your loved one is not here. Visualize your loved one sitting with you, or speak to your loved one's photograph. Talk openly from your heart. Be specific about the action or omission or other reason for your guilt. Talk about why you did or didn't do the thing that now causes your pain. Explain how it makes you feel now and how you would change it if you got a chance. Then ask for forgiveness.

For several days, repeat this process. Spend as much time as necessary to describe the reason for your guilt and to convey the depth of your remorse. It's OK if you begin to cry and can't finish what you're saying. You can always take a break and start over again.

Listen.

Once you're comfortable with this process, add another step: After you have had your talk, close your eyes and think about what your loved one would say to you about what he or she has heard. Write down the response. If you have been forgiven, let those words bolster you and make self-forgiveness possible. If you are unsure about whether you've been forgiven, write what you would like to hear and why.

Seek a new perspective.

Have a talk with a professional counselor, member of the clergy, or another reliable resource. Discuss the forgiveness you need and the reason it is so important to you. Take with you the note you wrote, describing what you need to "hear" from your loved one and why. As you talk over the situation, allow yourself to consider new perspectives on the situation that are offered to you. You may need to accept the idea that your guilt is completely unfounded or that it is a substitute for some other painful feeling.

Look at the whole picture.

Recognize that no relationship is all bad or all good. List the things for which you will never feel guilt--ways in which you gave, supported, expressed affection or appreciation, or otherwise enhanced your loved one's life.

When you find yourself beginning to be swept into the gulf of familiar guilt, take out your list. Don't just read the words, visualize the whole context for each listed action. For example, if you wrote, "I tried to help her have confidence in herself," see yourself and your loved one interacting in a specific situation in which you lent her your support. Continue using the same procedure for each item you've listed. Realize that this list represents the reality of your relationship.

Set a no-guilt deadline.

If your guilt still plagues you on a daily basis after releasing it through talking and focusing on the aspects of the relationship that were purely positive, consider selecting a date in the future when you will stop self-punishing thoughts. Have a truce with yourself set for that day. Say, "I've relived the reason for my guilt over and over. I could not have more regret over my actions. Now it is time to forgive myself and stop. On (date) I will no longer blame myself." Your personal deadline may be your loved one's birthday, the anniversary of her death, New Year's Day, your own birthday, or any day that has particular significance to you.

Redirect guilt.

Many survivors have found relief from guilt by directing that same energy and time to a project that is an outgrowth of their personal loss. This may mean helping increase awareness about something such as teenage drunk-driving or the need for organ donors. It may also involve creating a new endeavor that memorializes the loved one in a particularly original and constructive way.

Finally, remember always that most of us accuse ourselves unnecessarily and without good logic. Show yourself the same kind of understanding and forgiveness you would show a close friend or relative. Realize that by living within the cell block of your own guilt, you're creating a jail for your mind. You wouldn't think it reasonable for someone else to punish himself in this way, so don't give yourself permission to do it. Free yourself for the softer, kinder emotions of loss, and you'll find your days opening up to embrace the love and positive memories you shared.

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((OSAAT))

Guilt - "let me count the ways "  I felt guilty for simply being alive -  for breathing, moving, seeing and just about everything else under the cosmos. Below is an excerpt from a publication on "Survivor Guilt"

"Survivor guilt (also called survivor syndrome) is a mental condition that occurs when a person perceives him/herself to have done wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not. It may be found among survivors of combat, natural disasters, epidemics, among the friends and family of those who have died by suicide."

Logical or not, MANY people do experience this.

ATJ 

 

I built walls to get myself through cancer and then grief;  I spent years shielding people from the things I didn't want them to know or see.  It is not easy to break that down.  But then I met someone who was ok with that, who understood, who didn't pressure me, who respected me enough to let me open up on my own time frame.

I did the same, in part because I needed to be steady during the "cancer hell", and later because others could not face MY reality. And some things were too private! As @TooSoon said, I believe it is important for others to allow us to open up in our own time frame!

Sending Light of Discernment!

 

ATJ 

Then and Now -

Sometime after my husband had died I wrote the following:

--- Once there was a vibrant, green leaf. It was attached to a strong, beautiful tree. The leaf was happy and felt secure. It soaked up the sunshine and swayed in the gentle breeze. When the wind picked up and shook it, it tightly held onto the tree, and it felt safe. One day the tree got sick and his trunk weakened, but the leaf held on with all its might, happy to still be connected.

One day, without warning, a furious windstorm arrived. With a sudden and sharp blow it tore the leaf off the tree, and it landed hard on the ground. The leaf cried out in pain and despair and screamed to the wind:"You have fatally wounded me, I will surely die!"

The wind replied: "Some day you WILL die, but not yet - your destiny on this earth has not been fulfilled! - I am the Wind of Separation, but also the Wind of Destiny; you will not always lie there. I will pick you up and carry you to new heights and will show you new landscapes and beauty you have not seen. - Look around, there are many other leaves who have been separated from their tree. I have picked THEM up and carried them, and sometimes they even dance with me!"

The leaf exclaimed: "I DON'T WANT to see new scenery, I liked my view, and I'm too hurt and broken. Take me back to my tree! He is the only one who can make me feel better again; he nurtures me through his mere presence and gives me life. - What have I done wrong?? - WHY did you punish me so cruelly?"  - The wind replied: "You haven't done anything wrong, this is just part of life's natural cycle".

But the leaf remained inconsolable. For a long time it just lay on the ground, writhing in pain, shivering, and barely breathing. When the wind picked it up again with his mighty hands, it felt untethered and weightlessly drifted along, pushed by this powerful force. It was carried aloft, farther and farther away from the tree it so loved. It became frightened, despondent and confused and could not see any beauty surrounding it. All it could think of was the tree.

When the wind calmed down, it felt itself slowly dwindling to the ground. Bruised and tattered, it noticed that its appearance had drastically changed, and it cried out to the wind: "Look at what you've done to me, I'm not even the same leaf anymore, I am perishing!" The wind responded: "You will indeed Never be the same again, but you can observe and learn as we travel together and become a different leaf. You still have life in you. - You are not finished yet - trust me, and enjoy the ride!"

The leaf looked around and noticed that there was indeed some beauty and that there were other leaves traveling with it, and it drew brief comfort from it. But strangely, neither the beauty it saw nor the mysterious landscapes revealed, or the new travel companions it had found were able to stop its heart from bleeding. It just kept drifting and blowing, carried by the mighty, powerful gusts, while its soul ached, and it always longed for "The Tree!"  -

Years later I have discovered many new landscapes, seen beautiful vistas, made new life connections, and have indeed changed. I no longer resemble that former leaf, which often makes me quite sad. Yet, I try to look to the future seeking hope and new dreams, although often with much trepidation. Life's dynamic force is full of possibilities. I am grateful for much, although I still don't know where the Wind of Life will finally  take me. I've tried to steer my own course, but it has often led me in circles and down long, meandering paths. So, I'm waiting for the wind to pick me up once again and carry me to a brighter future.  But, no matter what lies ahead, I will always miss "The Tree!"

ATJ 

- Still learning this lesson!

anniegirl said:

Except it's not really the same because you never forget how people shunned you as though you were walking dead. It's difficult to forgive and I don't know that we truly forget.

Lewis,

THANK YOU for restoring the site! I just sent you and Jess a PM.

Have a great weekend, and get some much deserved rest after all that extra work!

ATJ 

?She said I have STERBS (Short Term Energy Relieving Behaviors)  and that I have to go back to my childhood and find what was my first loss so I can move on since my STERBS aren?t helping me.?

Hmm? Let me think!

HOW did I feel when 'Squishy', my goldfish, died when I was five years old?? Perhaps I should channel Dr. Freud. ;D - Maybe she wants to drum up some business for personal therapy sessions. 

Enjoy your time with your friend!

 

ATJ

Edited to add: I did by NO means want to make light of early, very sad childhood losses, which, I am sure, do influence our feeling toward future losses. But that is a subject for a different seminar, I believe. Her reply to your statement was inappropriate.

Lost35,

"Oh, by gosh, by golly .." - Are You for real???  I'm going to crawl into a deep, dark hole and will NEVER come out again! YOU put me to shame with your hands-on talents, which not only require great skill, but also big muscle power! You can proudly stand up against any big, brawny guy who flexes his muscles and extols his skills!

Where in the world did you learn to do all that, and HOW did you get the sheer muscle power required for some of these tasks?? Do you have some 'magic breakfast cereal'?? - The best I have ever done was painting walls and doors, with most of the paint landing on ME. The jobs turned out fine, but I looked like some frightening creature from outer space afterwards. And I have tried to tighten some screws and handles, oiled door hinges, and changed light bulbs. But that's it for MY 'fixer skills'!

The other day one of my smoke alarms went off for no reason, and I removed the battery, but it kept going. So, I tried to pull out the plug that connects it to the electrical wires in the wall. It took me at LEAST 10 minutes with all kinds of tools and ALL the muscle power I had, and several times I had to stop because I felt dizzy, faint, and my heart pounded wildly, plus my hand hurt like hell. I felt like a total idiot afterwards, because theoretically it was a very simple task, yet for ME it was a Herculean endeavor. What a WIMP I am compared to you!!

(((Mizpah)))

Anniversaries are difficult, and even in the midst of hectic lives, they persistently and loudly knock at the door of our heart, wanting to be heard. And our heart eagerly responds and wants to give them the full attention that they deserve. But, alas ...

BUT, no matter how much life insists upon intruding and tries to interfere, it cannot take away from what we feel inside for the ones we loved and still do. They live on in our heart and soul.

"He used to call me mish-mish (it means apricot in Hebrew).  I swear I've heard him saying it in my head all day so far. 

I do want to believe that He was near his sweet "apricot" and smiled, seeing how she courageously continues living her life with integrity and seeking joy again!

ATJ

If I or someone mentions having a bad day, everyone is always "oh it can't be that bad." or "keep positive....it will all turn out for the best." 

My question is why can't I have a bad day?

 

How many days in a row of bad news, negative feelings, problems etc without any real solutions or silver linings does it take before Im allowed to just say fuck it, Im throwing a damn pity party?

((PhotoJunkie))

I hear you!! By nature I am a positive thinker, which greatly helped me during the years of my husband's cancer battle. HOWEVER, when he was in the middle of deep physical pain, I did not tell him to "be positive", or "tomorrow will be a better day".  Instead, I did whatever I could to help and otherwise would just quietly be near him - hold his hand, or lie next to him to let him know that he was not alone, and that he did not have to hide his pain. Encouragement I gave later when the pain had somewhat subsided.

The same should be true of our emotional wounds and pain, only people can't see them. So it's EASY for them to spew platitudes instead of lending practical or silent support.

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."

~~ Henri Nouwen

"But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. - Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together."

~~ Dinah Craik

Our society has been inculcated by the proliferation of 'self-help gurus' and brainwashed through a growing assortment of pop psychologists that all negative feelings we experience have to be banished, expunged or at least sanitized. There is a tacit or not so subtle rebuke if we express our true feelings. Does ANYONE ever truly mean it when they ask "How are You"? It's rhetorical, insincere and meaningless, and I detest all insincerity!

And how I HATE that expression "Pity Party".  -  Reason: It implies a chronic, negative behavior pattern - an excessive, endless complaining about trivial matters and whining about it ad nauseam. - Yes, there are indeed chronic malcontents in life, but that's not what we are talking about here. THEY belong into a therapist's office.

People should not have to listen to a stupidly grinning, baton twirling cheerleading team when they are in emotional overload or distress. Would anyone treat an ICU patient that way?? We have been pretty much taught that physical agony is acceptable to express, but emotional pain and distress are taboo and to be quelled instantly, or one becomes 'persona non grata'.

Message to the world:  I have a certain hand gesture for you in response! ;D Wait until it's YOUR turn, and let's see if you STILL feel so sanguine about it!

So there! YOU are allowed to fully express your bad day feelings to THIS reader and have a rant, without any rebuke!

Wishing you well and hoping that the dark clouds will part soon!

ATJ

Oh, (((Simi))

I heard your cry of pain and would like to bring you some comfort!

I'm sending you a BIG Hug through the ether right now and offer my 'virtual shoulder' to lean on for a while!

Hold on, OK! - Will send you a PM!

ATJ

MIB,

After a life shattering event I think it is natural, for most, to question ALL of our prior held assumptions and beliefs, religious or otherwise. When our world has been turned upside down, we look at things from a different perspective. I no longer know WHAT to believe and envy those who are certain at either end of the spectrum!

Other people in the past have fundamentally struggled with doubt and trying to find answers.

"So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them, because of the blasphemy. - If there be God, please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul. - I am told God loves me, and yet, the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so that nothing touches my soul."

~~ Mother Theresa

I wish you peace and serenity on your continued search for answers!

 

ATJ 

Carey?s Title: 'Loneliness turned me into a Doormat'

Keeptrying: ?There are two types of people in the world - givers and takers.  - The givers will keep giving and the takers will keep taking.  I have this issue that I want to "help" people. ?  I don't want to be that person anymore.?

Munsen: Sadly, over the years I learned that many people only love you for how you benefit them.

Just remember, 'no' is a complete answer

Messageinabottle: I think widowhood has made me lonely.  9 years of sitting here with babies and no support system.  No one came to see me.  No one even really gave me a second thought so I sat here alone night , after night after night and still do to some degree.

So I started volunteering, helping others just to feel connected?.

Was I taken advantage of?  Yes? ?

OK, here's another member of this 'prestigious club'! - Ditto to what has been said by others above! - From my earliest days I was a 'helper', 'giver', 'supporter', which carried over into adulthood and personal, as well as professional, relationships.

Lesson learned:

My constant giving, helping, supporting, being the 'encourager in chief', the 'cheerer-upper' for all, became the benchmark below which I was NOT allowed to sink by an iota!

After becoming widowed, "Miss Sunshine" suddenly held an umbrella in one hand while still helping with the other, but THAT was "conduct unbecoming!!" I even went into overdrive by showering my friends and others with gifts to honor my husband - YET, in their eyes I had flunked!  How DARE I not be my former effervescent self while performing my DUTY!! - Then everyone took off, because in addition I had the audacity to be an SOS now. Perhaps I should have been an 'SOB' instead - the female version thereof - ;D

Yep, I learned my lesson!! I still desire to help others whenever I see a genuine need, but I have become much more selective and REFUSE to be taken for granted anymore. I'd rather die from loneliness than being surrounded by parasites!!

The above quote is true, both in general terms, as well as personal relationships. The word "NO" is indeed a complete sentence and response!

 

 



 

THIS Rebuilder was highly reluctant to start this thread because she is still seeking, still stumbling, still doubtful at times. But to speak the truth takes courage, especially since it is not always popular, and the majority wants to hear a "And they lived happily ever after..." story.

As I said in my follow-up post, somewhere in the middle, our stories are as unique as our fingerprints. We all have come from different directions, and will turn again into different directions. But none of our stories holds any more or less value than the other. They all stand on their own merit!

So, are there any more brave souls out there willing to share??

 

ATJ 

It was horrible.  And now I wish I could crawl under a rock.  But I have to go tomorrow and face everyone and try not to look like the crazy lunatic mother who was running around in a complete panic yesterday.

(((Lost35)))

You are NOT a "lunatic", far from it!! You are a deeply caring mother who has been through hell and is making her way alone through this crazy, often scary life.

Just reading your story made my heart pound, and I don't even have children.

 

Here's a  BIG Hug for You and your little guy!

 

ATJ

IfIonlycould,

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time where your sky looks dark and ominous. As we all know, life is as unpredictable as the weather. Just as the black, stormy clouds can suddenly appear on the horizon, often, quite unexpectedly, a ray of light will penetrate the deepest dark.

In the meantime all we CAN do is trying our best to hold on, while listening to that faint whisper that says: "Don't give up!"

Sending you Rays of Light!

 

ATJ