ATJ

This will be my 8TH summer as a widow. ...

Where did the time go, it went so very fast

.

WifeLess,

Thank you for being the noble and valiant defender of those who no longer have a voice and who made the ultimate, desperate choice for their final exit!

As you mention, for those who died by their own volition, whether through mental illness (the predominant cause), or who were driven to this act through other tragic reasons, society does not show much compassion and often treats them and the survivors as pariahs.

Such behavior is callous and inhumane and reveals indeed the true character of those who pass judgment, and NOT of those who have been affected. The very fact that the term 'commit' suicide is primarily used to describe this type of death insinuates at minimum tacit disapproval, as well as an imperious sense of moral superiority and hubris.

Neither blithering ignorance nor wrapping it in a mantle of moral/religious rectitude are exculpatory factors, but shameful behavior by self-appointed paragons of society in further hurting those who have already suffered unspeakable tragedy. I feel equally passionate about this matter! May 'cosmic justice' ultimately prevail!

As you reflect on this solemn day, may you take comfort in the beauty of her soul and the joyful moments lived and shared with her.

In memory of your Beverly, and in solidarity with You!

 

ATJ

Lost35:

?I'm at a point where I don't talk about it to anyone anymore, so it means a lot that I can come here and let it out.  It takes the pressure off and allows me to clear my head, which I'm grateful for.

 

So again,  thank you for responding and caring and for letting me be heard.?

(((L.)))

You have received many kind and caring responses. It is comforting that there are others who know how to listen without judgment and offer their compassionate support when you do not have any other place to turn to.

Your situation contains so many complicating, contributory factors, which are interwoven in the loss of your husband, and therefore make it more difficult to deal with it. My heart goes out to you!

Please do not feel that you have to conform to other people's arbitrary standards of what they perceive to be 'the norm' or 'typical' in the healing process, viewed through their personal, myopic lens. Presumptuous societal pressure to "show progress" and applying simplistic benchmarks only adds to an often overwhelming and painful situation.

I do know how many multi-front, determined and valiant efforts you have made over the years to come to terms with your very complicated circumstances, meanwhile creating a warm and nurturing environment for your son to grow up and experience the joys and adventures of childhood. You have introduced him to the wonders and awe of life and have given him rich experiences that many children will never know. You have done your utmost to compensate for the absence of his father, despite your deeply broken heart, and are an exceptional mother.

As to your undying, deep love for your husband and painfully missing him, it reminded me of the following poem:

For those who were fortunate enough to have experienced a deep and all-encompassing soul connection such as yours, it is hard to live with the 'absence of presence' of the one who is gone, and it is indeed not something that can be "fixed". The best we can do is trying to learn to live with it, which is easier said than done.

ATJ

my energy level is nonexistent on this medicine. It is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I was proud I made it to work today ... Go out to my truck at lunch and the darn thing wont crank. ... I really just started crying little girl baby tears  because Chad wasn't here to handle it. Isn't that ridiculous?

ATJ

Apparently many of us erroneously believed that we had some true, honest and loyal friends.

ATJ 

But I think what scares me more than how he was in the dream is that once I got my grip back on reality, I felt relief he wasn't somehow still alive when I have spent months wishing for that very thing to somehow be true.

Am I just totally screwed up?

Jess,

The swift hand of fate has suddenly thrown us into unknown territory. Having to let go and being forced to start over again can become an emotional vortex of anxiety and confusion. The past meant comfort and familiarity, the future causes apprehension of the unknown. It can feel like being torn between two worlds, trapped in an emotional schism.

Moving forward is a challenging high-wire act. It takes time, courage, perseverance and stamina to find our balance after we have been forcefully knocked to the ground and stumble to get up again.

ATJ

I guess I have received the message loud and clear.

I really didn't need another reason to cry this week.

 

 

Ah, yes - It's a wonderful world! 

(((HUGS))) to You, Trying!

 

ATJ 

I don't want to live with regret, I want to live with self confidence, my feet solid on the ground, and know that alone forever is better than the dark hole of never being good enough for anything.

Simi,

You have shown great courage and resolve so far!

It is really very simple - if you regard Yourself with respect, then you won't allow people to treat you otherwise. And it is also important that this is clearly understood from the first encounter!

I have also been kind, caring and giving throughout my life, but from my early beginnings, I NEVER allowed others to treat me disrespectfully. I always insisted on mutual courtesy and respect and drew a clear line in the sand. Human imperfection is excusable, but disrespectful or dishonest behavior should never be condoned!

But you know this and have already taken the necessary steps to determinedly reclaim your life. It is indeed better to be alone than to be in the company of someone of dubious character. You have jumped the biggest hurdles already and are now in the homestretch. I am rooting for you and know that you will succeed!

ATJ

(((L.)))

I can certainly understand why you must feel so very weary and tired. Especially when there are complicating factors involved in the surrounding circumstances, it can feel like walking through an endless minefield. It robs one of any sense of security and constancy, and the setbacks can come swiftly and strike at lightning speed. Each new round chips away at our protective armor and leaves us vulnerable again and again. I do know the feeling!

This road is long, treacherous and unpredictable, and it takes enormous resolve to keep going, especially after repeated setbacks. I am walking at your side. Lean on me!

Thinking of you and standing with you in solidarity!

 

ATJ

(((Maureen)))

I do understand how difficult it is having to "come home again" to one's reality. Meanwhile, I wish you much joy and peaceful moments as you embark on phase II of your big trip.

Be safe and well!

 

ATJ

Go ahead and vent as loudly and forcefully as you want!! I am listening and understand.

Oddly, My husband used to often say "Life is good!" as well, even when he was sick, but felt a little better. Now I can't stand to hear that expression anymore! So, YES, I do get it!

(Big HUG) to you, and may better days lie ahead!

 

ATJ

Chapter One lives on for eternity, now what?  There must be some validation for allowing that some things remain unhealed ?  What if it never ends ?and how do you live with that?

 

There must be a way to just understand that sometimes, there is no way to fix things and make them right.  But how?

I am one of those 'further out' and know how it feels to be "lost in my own world that seems to be perfect chaos" -  an aberrant world, beyond control, insight, reconciliation. By nature I am a resolute "fixer" with fierce determination to fight against the greatest odds. I got a lot of practice during my husband's long cancer battle. But, with a sudden, heavy blow, (gunshot), life came to an abrupt halt, and the surrounding circumstances were "chaotic", casting long, dark shadows to follow me wherever I went. My inherent nature wanted to fight back, but it felt like trying to slay a mythical giant monster with many arms and heads. With each blow, the beast grew more heads - a seemingly never-ending battle.

After walking down this very long road, I have learned that some things simply are Not conquerable, Not fixable! This realization resulted in a blazing inferno and ensued in a long series of tumultuous, often conflicting feelings - furious anger, resentment, denial, withdrawal, weariness, exhaustion, desolation, capitulation, sporadic nascent hope, resignation -  ever changing emotions, like colors and patterns in a kaleidoscope, and often going in circular motion.

A great inner battle erupted after facing the utter futility of my attempts to "fix it". My emotions passionately protested: "This is Unacceptable!" -  Reason argued: "What choice do you have?" - "Make peace with the Unacceptable!" - Two warring sides, neither willing to concede nor surrender.

YES, St. Francis of Assisi, I hear you!! You've devised an inspirational and impressive prayer, indeed. BUT, for a "non-saint" it is very difficult to successfully practice.

I have had the COURAGE to change the things I could. I even found the WISDOM to know the difference. But I still can NOT serenely acquiesce and accept some things that are not acceptable. "Silly child!", you say. "How long will it take for you to learn?"

Reluctantly I have to admit: "You are right, I am a slow learner!"

Someone else wrote a slightly different version of this prayer, and I find it SOMEWHAT easier to follow that particular train of thought, even though it may merely be semantics:

Some things can Never be "acceptable" to me. However, I have fought too long of a losing battle and have wearily come to see its futility. Therefore my least objectionable choice is trying to REMOVE myself - Walking Away from the "Unfixable" and "Unacceptable" with its myriad facets.

I am diligently working on the latter, trying to reach at least a permanent "Accord of Détente", but it is HARD work and takes daily resolve! While it does not grant me satisfaction, I seek to at least feel less torment and eventually reach some kind of enduring peace. It is not "a Win", but a Compromise. In business terms: It's the "best deal" I can negotiate! - Sometimes in life that's all we CAN do.

ATJ

I have heard you!! Sometimes cumulative life experiences come to such a crescendo that the emotional lid flies off - and understandably so! Lots to carry on your shoulders for so long, and all alone. It's good that you can come here to let out your scream of frustration, loud and clearly. It is heard by an entire chorus of "fellow screamers" who, for their own reasons, get it.

May bright Rays of Light shine into your darkness

and renew Hope for a better tomorrow! 

I am thinking and hoping that it helps him sort out just how he fits into the big scheme of things...

 

"At almost seven years out, we are starting to find our feet, bit by bit..."

(((HUGS))) to You and your amazing little guy!

 

ATJ

All the "stuff" he had...and my most prized possession...the link and stories I get to share with my kids...are in these beautiful rocks in our landscaping...and we uncover different ones...that were buried under layers and years of mulch and dirt.

ATJ