Virgo

25 minutes ago, beanless said:

I lost my mother ten years ago, my father five years ago and my husband 2 months ago.  I have a brother also who lived out of town at the time my father died.  He would have been overjoyed if I would have taken on all the chores.  I did not.  I gave him the choice of two weekends and told him he needed to help that weekend.  I also had a dumpster delivered.  We went through the home and decided what to keep/throw away.  It was then over.  Put the home on the market and had a lawyer to help w/ probate (my father did not have a will/not were either of us POA).  I also assigned him (my brother) tasks.  It wasn't exactly 50/50, but it was better than if I would have just hoped he would have volunteered to help. 

My dad did have a will. I'm the executor. My brother and I also had guardianship of my dad. We were told both that and POA are null and void upon death. This is all new to me. I really appreciate all of the input. My brother will be helping me as soon as he gets home from his cruise. I just want to get things done and not prolong it. I'm going to contact an attorney tomorrow. 

Thank you everyone for the condolences and advice!

No kids at home tonight, but I'm not going out. I'm drained from all the running around I've been doing this week for my dad's arrangements and estate.  I need to catch up around my house, but I'm not very motivated. What is everyone else doing?

Thank you for the condolences and advice. I truly appreciate it. 

My dad passed away yesterday in his home. March 13th would have been his 69th birthday. It was somewhat unexpected. He had multiple mini strokes about three years ago, so we always knew it was possible for him to have a major stroke. It just kills me to think about the last time I saw him in person, our last words, if I would have seen him Monday would it have made a difference? Why do we do that to ourselves? 

The 5th anniversary of my husband's death was the 4th. My mom died three months prior. When I told my daughters their grandpa had died their reactions at first were almost frightening. Very calm, no expressions, almost like they are used to it. Heartbreaking. My 19yo did say that her grandpa is finally happy now that he's been reunited with her grandma. 

When my mom died my dad took care of the arrangements. I helped him go through her possessions and clean the house. When my husband died I took care of his arrangements and went through his possessions and redecorated our house. Now that my dad has died I'm making some of the arrangements and will have to clear out my childhood home. Then put it up for sale. I also have to take care of his finances and estate. It's very overwhelming, and different from what I had to take care of before. Hopefully my brother will help me.

Any tips or suggestions for those of you that have been through this? Thanks in advance!

I'm happy for you Paul. You'll have to keep us posted.

What is everyone up to tonight? I had plans to go out, but they were canceled. Now I'm trying to motivate myself to start organizing in my basement. 

Here's a new song from Meghan Trainor..

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also 43. I was 38 when my husband died, Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. My daughters were 14, 12, and 16. My husband and I always taught our girls that this is our house. We all clean up after ourselves. One person shouldn't be expected to do it all. We all help out. Everything has a place, so put it back in its place. I don't like nagging, bickering, or chore charts. I just expect them to help. If I feel they're slacking I will mention it. That's usually all it takes. I think they bicker more between each other as to who does the most to help with the house. My girls are 19, 17, and 11 now. This works for us. I am a stay at home mom, so I'm sure this will change somewhat when I start working. Maybe not so much with chores, but at least with cooking. I do the majority of the cooking. 

I agree that it's not just the grief, but also the teen years. I am open and honest about my grief. I always encourage them to share too. My youngest daughter has had a hard time sharing with me because she doesn't want to make me cry. We actually had this conversation again today. I told her that I hurt, but I hurt even more for her and her sisters. I miss their dad, but I'm still experiencing everything he's missing with them. That's why I tear up. It came up because she asked me who walks the bride down the aisle if her dad died. Of course I teared up. 

If you ever need a listening ear, to vent, feel free to message me.

Happy 50th Arneal!

On 2/11/2019 at 11:53 AM, Captains wife said:

Virgo -  I read your earlier post and good for you for breaking off something that didn't feel right to you. Better than hanging on too long to something that isn't work. That takes real insight and courage. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you! I ended up seeing him this weekend, a group of friends went out, but it just reinforced my decision for me. 

Have you asked him where he sees you when he talks about his dreams and future plans? I think if it's on your mind you should bring it up. Your feelings are valid. 

I've never made it to the "in a relationship " on social media phase. My friends and I joke that it's a relationship ender, but honestly I will probably will change it privately like you did if I get to that point with someone. 

Happy 50th early! Maybe he'll surprise you and have something planned.

The past few weeks my relationship with the new guy felt different, like something had changed. I brought it up last night and suggested we take a break. Honestly, I think there were to many things that I was hoping would change as we got to know each other better. I'm fine with our decision because I've been considering it for awhile now. Thanks for listening to me vent as I navigate through dating. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

Congratulations!

I would like to think that if I had a son I would be as open and blunt as I am with my daughters. Talking about sex doesn't make me uncomfortable. I've discussed the basics with my daughters and let them ask me questions individually as they arise. I've had some interesting questions. They definitely get an education at school. I encourage them to discuss things with me so they're not getting false information from their friends too. 

I don't think it's unrealistic to preach abstinence until marriage to your children as long as they know that they can come to you if they choose to have premarital sex. This is my approach. 

I needed to see this post and the responses today. I'm coming up on 5 years (February 4th) and am having that feeling of grieving all over again. The anxiety is causing physical symptoms all over again too. 

I was actually thinking about getting back into a gym routine too. I  just need to make time. It does help. I'm just really overwhelmed by everything that's happening right now in my life. A lot of changes and financial pressure. 

My husband said, "you're going to make some lucky guy an amazing wife. " I said, "I already do."

My current guy, and the two guys I dated before him, all said that I seem guarded. I told them I didn't disagree. "Widow detached " is another way to describe that guarded feeling. I feel like I'm unintentionally pushing guys away.

5 hours ago, Bunny said:

 

Thats funny, I still can shut down and dream about running away the second a button feels pushed the wrong way. I ignore it best I can, until the impulse fades. I remember telling myself in the first year of seeing him ‘Well, I guess I’m doing this now’. It felt... fatalistic? I love the hell out of him- in a detached widow kinda way. 

This makes sense to me. "Detached widow kinda way." Yes! 

13 hours ago, arneal said:

Hey, Jen: new things are sometimes difficult to adjust to, even when they aren't that new. Maybe take time to think about your own space: what is it that you want and 1) aren't seeing in this new relationship, 2) are seeing and are surprised by, 3) like and/or love about it, 4) dislike and/or hate about it, 5) are afraid to ask for? Tough questions, yes, but necessary ...

I have been asking myself a lot of those questions. I think part of this feeling is still letting go of my husband and how I imagined our future would be. I miss him. Maybe a little guilt too. Part of it is also how much my new guy is (pleasantly) surprising me. If you remember, I debated even meeting him for coffee that first time. 

My 16yo,  11yo, and  I  dropped by his house tonight on our way home from a girls day out. It still amazes me how well our girls get along. I took a picture of his three daughters and my 11yo sitting in a pile on my 16yo. They have so much fun together. His two sons were visiting with us too. His sons are older, 17 and 16. His daughters are 12, 10, and 8. My daughters are 19, 16, and 11.

"It's not you, it's me." I'm beginning to think it's me. My guy and I are still dating, things are going really well. Yet I feel like the closer we get the more I want to shutdown and walk (run!) away. The more we blend our lives the more anxiety I feel. Why can't I just relax and enjoy each day? I need to. Just venting here a bit. 

I'm glad you found someone who you feel comfortable with. That first time after loss is a very big, emotional step. 

Congratulations Leadfeather! I'm happy for you!

I agree Arneal. It's a great way to describe that comfortable feeling with him. I'm sure it will come up again and I will elaborate more. That's why it's so nice to share here. We all have similar thoughts and feelings. 

I agree Leadfeather. Comfort is a level of peace. 

NG said I seem very guarded. I said I wouldn't disagree. My last relationship ended soon after he said I love you and I didn't say it back. Of course I've thought about that a lot. Was it because I didn't feel that way for him, or is it because I won't allow myself to feel that way for anyone? Am I ready? My NG asked if it was because I thought it would somehow take away from what I had with my LH. I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I honestly don't know. Maybe like you said it's just feeling vulnerable again. I told him that I look forward to spending time with him, and enjoy the time we spend together. I'm comfortable where we're at and going slow. He really dislikes me using the word comfortable. It's become an inside joke between us. I think comfortable is a positive way to describe our relationship, but he thinks it sounds complacent. He did say that he is fine with going slow.