Neverthesame

A widow that I know decided to try online dating at three years out, and it wasn?t long before a guy invited her to lunch. She was petrified and really didn?t know if she could go. The guy calmed her fears by saying ?look at it as just a sandwich and a glass of tea between two adults?.no expectations?. She thought about it in that way and decided to go. She went and they never saw each other again, but she enjoyed the lunch and the conversation. If the opportunity arises, go and enjoy.

Very well put, and yes I think we are allowed. I was five years and ten months out before I went out on a date and I was lucky enough to find ?the one? on the first date. Early on I struggled with whether it was ok to love her as much as I did DW, and at the same time whether it was fair not to. I?m one of those open door, hold hands, say I love you type of guy. In the end I decided that it is ok to love that much again and that she and I both deserve it. Just my thoughts anyway. Bill

When my wife died my kids were 11, 13, and 16. Early on, when it came to the idea of dating, I just didn?t think it would be easy to introduce someone new at that stage of their lives. As they got older, and dating became more of a possibility for me, I couldn?t even picture in my mind what it would be like to start a relationship with someone new. My wife and I had met in high school and were married for 25 years. It seemed almost impossible to me that I could develop a relationship like I had the first go around. I was certain that if I did start to date it would take years of getting to know someone before I would even entertained the idea of remarriage. Dating was something that scared me to death because it was something that I had not done a lot of. There were a couple of nice women that I knew in my daily life who showed some interest and at times I'd try to convince myself that they'd be a good match for me. I went to church with one of them. She had a good job, no kids of her own, and she was good with my kids, but some reason I just couldn?t talk myself in to even asking her out. One day, out of the blue, I decided to try online dating. Within the first couple of weeks I started emailing a woman who was also widowed. After a couple of weeks of emailing we went on our first date. No, It wasn?t love at first sight, but I did have a great time. We ate dinner and talked and then went for a walk and talked some more. Over the next couple of months we went out every weekend and at the end of each date I found myself looking forward to the next weekend. The dates gradually got longer and then we started to see each other more often. Before I knew it we were spending most of our free time together. Three years ago if someone had told me that I would go from meeting someone for the first time to married in 11 months I would have told them they were beyond crazy. To this day I still don?t know when or how I knew?..but I just knew. Everything that I thought I knew about myself and about dating just seemed to go out the window. I?m wondering how things went for those of you who have recoupled. How did you know? Did things develop quicker than you thought they would? And of course the million dollar question ?.did you feel guilty for being able to love again? Bill

My kids were 17, 19 and 22 and still lived at home when I started dating my wife. My wife kids were in their late 20?s and had families of their own. We were fortunate in that none of our kids were opposed to us dating. They had their own lives, so most of the time they were content to do their own thing and let us do ours. We started getting our kids involved early on by inviting them to do things with us. We?d invite them to family get-togethers, shopping trips, movies and things like that. Sometimes they went and sometimes they chose not to. If one of them needed something my wife and I would go shopping together and then call them to get specifics about what they needed and pick it up for them. It was just our way of letting them know that, even though we were dating, we still though about them and were available to help. As our relationship moved forward (pretty rapidly) my wife started coming to my house and staying one night a week. We?d just have a normal night at home. She would come after work and we?d cook dinner and then watch TV or work around the house. My kids were welcome to hang out with us if they wanted to, or go and do something else if they chose to. At bed time my wife took the master bedroom and I sleep in the guest room. The next morning we got up, got ready and left for work. It worked well for us because it gave my kids a chance to get used to the idea of having someone new around?.but at their own pace. A few months later we had a church wedding. My wife?s son walked her down the aisle. Her daughter and my daughter we brides maids and my two sons were groomsmen. After we were married we started off staying at her house some and at my house some. After a few months we decided to stay at my house full time and rent her house to her son. Now, 1.5 years later, my kids are used to having her around and just accept her as part of the family. To be honest I think my kids feel like our home is more of a home now that there is a woman?s touch around the house. I know that it doesn?t work that way for everyone, but that?s the way it worked for us. Our kids were old enough that we could be patient, give them choices, and let them get used to things in their own time. She has a good relationship with all my kids and I have a good relationship with her daughter. Her son and I still don?t talk a lot. It?s not that we don?t like each other, it just that our personalities and interest are different we aren?t around each other as much. So, what worked for us was just being available and letting them get used to things at their pace. Of course I can see where younger kids might be a whole different ball game. Bill

I?ve been thinking about this thread and I?d like to add to the previous reply that I wrote. I?m not sure that I really rebuilt as much as I just continued to live and grow. When my wife died I could have stopped living and just gone through the motions of life (and I did for a while). However, looking back over last few years I can see so much change and growth in my life. Deciding to remarry was not only good for me; it was good for so many lives that are woven in with mine. My new wife has been a huge help to my kids as they move into the young adult stage of their life. She doesn?t try to take the place of their mother, she just tries to help them as a friend and they have responded well to that approach. They?ll often call her with issues that they need help with before they call me. She has also been a big help to me as I watch out for my aging parents and they have grown to love her as they did my DW. As far as her family goes, I was accepted immediately by her parent and I would do anything that I can to help them. I also became an instant grandfather. My new wife has a grandson that was born three weeks after her husband died. She has a second that was born three months after we started dating. They are two boys that I continue to grow to love more as time passes. Even though they?ll see pictures and hear about their biological grandfather, I have the responsibility of being the grandfather they?ll have contact with. Saturday the older grandson has a father/son outing with his preschool. His father has to work so I?ve been asked to fill in and it?s something that we?re both looking forward to. In the Fall my wife and I are taking a cruise with her daughter and son-in-law to celebrate their 10th anniversary. My wife and I are both widowed, but our lives continue to touch so many other lives and I hope it?s in a positive way. I guess I?m just saying that I didn?t have to rebuild; I just had to let my life move forward. As I look back, it has moved forward in wonderful ways. It has moved forward in ways that I would have wanted my wife?s life to move forward if it had been me that died. Let me finish by saying that I don?t think for a moment that a widow/er has to remarry to move forward in positive ways. I just wanted to express the opinion that, for our own benefit, we should try to continue to live our lives to the fullest?..as well as for the benefit of those we touch. It's not easy and it's not something that happens overnight, but it's worth the effort. Bill

Hmmm, I guess I never really thought about whether it was easy or hard?.it just was. After helping my wife battle cancer for 4.5 years I was left with three kids to finish raising. For 6 years I did what I had to do to keep the household running. At times I was lonely and if someone had come along I would have made an effort to start a relationship, but I just didn?t have the time or energy to actively seek someone out. When my youngest was 17 I decided I would put some effort into preparing for MY future. I didn?t like the idea of online dating but decided I?d give it a shot. It was kind of fun looking at profiles and sending a few smiles and emails. The amazing thing is that I found a wonderful woman on the very first date that I went on. She too was a cancer widow and had been a care giver, so we had a lot in common there. We also shared common interest and values. Eleven months after our first date we were married and a 1.5 years later I couldn?t be happier. As I worked on rebuilding I just did what worked for me. I?m sure that it was much easier than some have to face and harder than others. One thing that I do know now (at 8 years out) is that, even though I?m happy and content, I still remember every single day that I am widowed and my life is forever changed. Bill

I was Bill4 on YWBB. I changed my screen name to Neverthesame because that?s the one constant that I?ve found through all of this?..nothing ever stays the same. My wife fought stage IV breast cancer for 4 ? years before I lost her in October of 2006. Our kids were 11, 13, and 16 when she died. Now, my kids are grown (or think they are anyway) and I?m remarried to a wonderful woman who also happens to be a widow. YWBB is gone now?..so many changes over the last 13 years. Obviously some of those changes were not so good for me, but some changes have been better than I could have hoped for. I?m not really sure why I decided to register on this forum after YWBB shut down. I never really posted much before and I probably won?t here. I guess it?s because widowhood will always be a part of my life and this type of forum got me through the tough times. As optimistic as I am about my future it will always be tempered by the pain that I felt when I was widowed. I suppose some small part of me still feels a part of this group and I?d like to thank those here who decided to start this forum and pick up where YWBB left off. Bill