Neverthesame

I have met a couple of people in recent years that lost a parent at a fairly young age and said they had been totally against the remaining parent remarrying. The parent respected their wishes and did not remarry. Now those kids are in their 30’s with families of their own and really regret their decision to standing in their parent’s way. Just saying……we all make decisions based on how we feel at the time but it’s often hard, especially for young people, to look at a decision and see how it will affect the future. I wish you luck in moving forward. Bill

Hey Serpico, I’m going to guess that your fiancée is the one concerned about time with the kids while you’re concerned about the time you spend with each other. That’s the way it went in the early days of my new relationship anyway. My wife is a big family person; not only kids, but parents, aunts, uncles and cousins too. Her two kids were grown, but she had been widowed for 3 years so everything she had done during that time had revolved around her family. I had been widowed for 6 six years and my kids were almost grown (17, 19, & 22) but still lived at home……I was ready for some me time. This led to numerous discussions about how we would divide up our time. In the end I guess we compromised. We do a lot of things with family but we still make time to get away on our own every 2-3 months, just for a long weekend if nothing else. The kids that you mentioned are younger, so I understand that they’ll require more of your time than our kids did (at least for a few more years). Just wanted to let you know that we had the same kind of discussions, but in the end it just kind of worked itself out. Oh, and to answer your question “who should be the priority - the new spouse or the kids?”, that worked itself out to. In the early going I had some real concerns about how I would “rank” so to speak. After almost 3 years I have no doubt that I come first. Of course if one our kids needs something we put our stuff on hold and help them out…..together. Bill PS: Congratulations to the two of you.

Imissdow, Your post covers pretty much everything that I felt for a long time. I was raised in church and thought I pretty much had God figured out. When my wife got cancer I began to question everything. When she died, my faith was shattered. Like you, I probably would have quit going to church had it not been for my kids. I?m 9 years out now and all I can do is tell you how I came to grips with things as far as my faith goes. 1) As someone here has already said, there is just no way that we can comprehend and understand everything. It?s human nature to think that we?re smart and that we should be able to find an explanation for any question that comes up. I finally decided that part of my faith was accepting that there are things that I simply cannot understand or explain in this life. Faith is generally defined as ?the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen?. I finally decided that nowhere in that definition does it guarantee me an answer to every question. 2) I also decided that if I truly believe in God and heaven then getting out of this world is the final reward. As much as I didn?t like being left here alone I really couldn?t be unhappy that my wife got to go on to her reward. I?ll stay here and do the best I can until my time comes and then I?ll see my wife again. 3) We often compare our relationship with God to that of a parent/child relationship. As I see it, I can?t put my children in a bubble. As they grow and mature things will happen. It won?t always be because I want them to or let them, but things will happen none the less. I figure?. why should I expect my relationship with God be different? Like you, I can see where God still works in my life. I?m sure that there will be future events in my life that I won?t understand why things happen the way they do?.but I can live with that now. I?m sure that there are some who think I?m silly and that I believe in a fairy tale?.and I?m ok with that. You ask how we came to grips with our loss from a faith standpoint and that?s way of dealing with it. Bill

I want to amend my last comment a little. I used my relationship as an example because it was the latest decision that I?ve had to make, but grief really affected all my decisions. A better example came early on. About two years before my wife died we bought a new van. It was loaded with power everything because I wanted her to have things as easy as possible. A few months after she died I decided I wanted to get rid of the van and get a new truck. I looked around, talked to dealerships and took test drives. In the end I kept the van because it was the smart thing to do. I guess I realized that I was just looking to change anything, do anything, to try to make the pain of grief go away. I can see now that grief really messed with my mind. It always left me trying to decide if I wanted to change things in an effort to feel better or leave them the same to feel close to my wife. For me, learning to feel comfortable again in thinking through things and making a decision was one of the hardest parts of dealing with grief. Bill

Jess, I don?t comment much anymore, but your post caught my eye. For me, my decisions have always been based on mind vs. heart. I?ve always looked at things in regards to what I wanted verses what I needed and made a decision. The thing is grief messed everything up?.it made me second guess everything. On top of that, I lost the one person that I could talk to and depended on for help in my decision making. When my wife died I suddenly had to make all the decisions about my life, my kids, my home, job and everything else without the one person that I depended on. Grief had me where I couldn?t tell what was coming from my heart and what was coming from my mind. It really took a long time for things to kind of level out where I could feel semi-comfortable with making all the decisions on my own and knowing the consequences were mine alone. I waited six years to date, BUT I married the first woman that I went out with 11 months after our first date. I struggled making that decision just like I did all the other decisions that I had made the past six years. I questioned whether I was in love or just tired and lonely and grabbing on to someone that provided relief. Two and a half years later I can see it?s one of the best decisions that I ever made. I?m happy and I have that help mate back in the decision making process. Figuring out the mind vs. heart thing while grieving is rough at best. But, I like the way that you recognize there can be some potential danger and take the time to evaluate the information from both places. Bill

Sdarrah, I really don?t think you have to worry about forgetting E. I?m 9 years out and I remarried a couple of years ago. I still remember every single day that I?m widowed. I?m happy now, so it?s not the sad, longing type of memory that I had in the early days; but I still remember none the less. I guess that?s why I still come here and read. As far as in-laws, I?m sure things differ from family to family. My FIL was widowed so he understood what it was like to be alone. He made it known very early that he was all for me finding someone. When I finally did start to date someone, he and the rest of the family (2 BILs and 2 SILs) accepted her as part of the family. When we married they came to the wedding. To this day we still go to the monthly family dinners and the holiday parties that my in-laws have. However, my wife is also widowed and her SILs have chosen to distance themselves from her since she has remarried. I guess it just depends on the personality of your in-laws as to how they will react. I hope things go well for you. As things progress, take your time and think about what you?re looking for and what you want out of a relationship. Bill

Amor, Like Wheelerswife, I?m widowed and I married a widow. From the standpoint of someone who married a widow, I never feel like I?m second place or second choice because she never gives me reason to. I know that she loved her 1st husband and she would still be with him today if he were here. However, she leaves no doubt that she loves me and at this point in her life I come first. His name comes up often as she tells stories about things that happened in her past and it doesn?t bother me in the least. This past Sunday we went by the cemetery together and put seasonal flowers on his grave. There?s really just no reason that we can?t remember the past and still have a future. From the standpoint of being widowed, my wife and I were married for 25 years and I will always remember and love her. However, my new wife is a wonderful woman and wife in her own right. She deserves the same love and respect that I gave my 1st wife. I know in my heart that my 1st wife would understand and even expect me to do just that. Just my thoughts. Bill

I know it?s stressful and hard at times, but take things as they come and try to work through them. I was married 25 years and my wife was married 30. We?ll never share that history together, but we can build a future together. It was tough in the early going; each other?s family trying to get to know us and us trying to get to know the other's family. But now, 2 years later, we?re one family. My kids refer to my wife as their stepmother (by their own choice) and will be the first to tell you that they know that they can depend on her for anything. My wife?s family would say the same of me. It takes time for a family to build that trust in a new relationship, but it can happen. I truly hope all goes well for you. Bill

There are a lot of good comments in this thread, but to me that says it best. I didn?t set out to find a widow but that?s the way it worked out for me and I?m glad it did. I started out with a fear of comparing her to my DW and being compared to her DH. Now, we often talk about our late spouses and will sometimes ask each other what they would have said or done in certain situations. As it turns out both our personalities are such that we can be comfortable remembering our past and still enjoy the present. My DW and I had a good marriage and if she were still here we would still be married. What I?ve come to realize though is that I miss her in much the same way that I miss other things in my life. For example, I miss some things that I could do in my youth that I physically can?t do anymore. I can think about them fondly, but those times are gone forever. I can remember the fun times that I had with my kids as they were growing up, but they?re in their early 20?s now and those times are also gone. So I?ve decided that life always changes and I can fondly remember my DW, as well as other thing from my past, but I can also enjoy the life that I have now and look forward to what the future holds. I may have got a little off topic but I do think, as Mizpah said, that dating a widow can be an advantage or disadvantage depending on the personalities and circumstances of those involved. Just my thoughts. Bill

No experience or expertise here, but I was trying to think about how I would feel if I were growing up in your daughter's shoes. I don't think having a few pictures around would have a profound effect on me. My outlook would be based more on how my parents acted like they felt about each other and our family. Just my thoughts. Edited to add: I do think it says a lot about your love for your daughter to be concerned about something like that. Bill

I?ve read all the response and they all make valid points. Everyone IS different and may not be looking for the same thing, it?s extremely important to talk about things, and there is no rush. But for me it was this: The more we talked and I got to know my Chaper2 I realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. It wasn?t something tangible?..nothing I can put my finger on, I just knew. Yeah, we both had our past and we had families to blend, but I knew there was nothing that we couldn?t work out together. We had a blast planning our wedding and honeymoon, and when she came down the aisle there wasn?t a doubt in my mind that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman (yes I realize death could prevent that again). And so far, in the 2 years we?ve been married, I?ve never second guessed my decision. I guess that?s just my long winded way of saying what someone else said here; when all else fails, ?Go with your gut?. Bill

Katelsam I?ll have to admit that my first thought was that your MIL is right in that they are only little once. But after thinking about my own experiences as a parent I realized that kids are actually only whatever age they happen to be at the time ?once?. In my opinion parents have to look at the here and now, but they also have to look at the long term. When my kids were like 1, 3, and 5 I took a job that required me to work long hours (this was long before their mom got sick). One night I laid down with them to get them to sleep and my five year old said ?Dad, I wish you?d get your old job back.? That made me feel bad at the time but the job paid better and I knew it was the right thing to do for the long term. After 2-3 years that job evolved into one that allowed me flexible hours. Today my kids are grown and they couldn?t tell you how much I was home when they were little. However, they can tell you if I was able to get away from work to go to ballgames, soccer matches, school activities and the like when they were older. They can also tell you if they had cell phones, and Xboxes, and cars to drive (kids don?t get cheaper as they get older ???). I?m just trying to say that there is a balance between making choices for the present and making choices for the future. There is also a balance between choosing what may be best and what you want. Having a job that you love and that loves you is important too. I took that job that kept me away from my kids more than they wanted for a few years. But, when my wife got sick, my employer was very supportive and gave me all the time I needed to take care of her. Yes it is, but it sounds like you're giving it a lot of though and I'm sure you'll make the right choices. Bill

I just wanted to take a minute and agree with this statement. Being in a new relationship and happy again didn't mean that my widowhood is over. I've found that it's just a new phase with it's own set of challenges to deal with. On YWBB I was very hesitant about posting for fear of making things harder on someone who was earlier in their grief. I'd like to thank those who opened this this new section so that members can post about the good (and bad) things that they are experiencing in a new relationship. Bill

I?m out 8.5 years out and overall life is better than I could have hoped for. Grief and loss rarely hit hard anymore. But, this morning my daughter (20 now) had her tonsils out. As I sat there and looked at her after the surgery, it hit me hard how much she really needed her Mom. I can be a dad, but what she really needed was her Mom to hug her and kiss her and baby her. I?m remarried to a wonderful woman who will do anything to help my kids and they like and appreciate her for all that she does. Still...even though she didn?t say anything about it...I could just tell, this morning my daughter really needed her Mom. I hate that feeling of being inadequate. Bill

rooshy, I used ChristianMingle and it worked very well for me. I met some nice, normal women. My suggest would be to communicate only through the ChristianMingle email and not give out any personal information (full name, personal email, phone number, etc.) until you're convinced that the person you're communicating with is on the up and up. If they give out there full name early on you can do a google search and sometimes verify some of the information that they give you about themselves. I actually married someone that I met on ChristainMingle. We communication through the site for about three week before we went out. Even at that I didn't get her last name, phone number, or where she lived until about our third or fourth date. In my opinion, you just be selective about who you talk to and then be careful and guarded until you feel comfortable that they are what they say they say they are. I know that even that is not a 100% guarantee, but it helps a lot. Bill

Yep, I remember thinking that. I just wanted somebody to have dinner or go to a movie with. Lol, I remember feeling that too. I also remember thinking this for about 6 years (insert gal in place of guy). Me....I finally figured out that what I was telling myself I wanted and what I actually wanted were two different things. I met my wife on ChristianMingle and she lived an hour away. My kids were 17, 19, and 22 and they all drove so it made it easier for me to get away and see her. You're right though, it really is kind of hard. But your friend is right too.....just breathe and figure things out as you go. Best of luck. Bill

Thank you all for the responses. Sadly I see that I'm not alone in yet another aspect of widowhood. Like most of you, I'm happy with my new life and really have no time or desire to renew old friendships. Like Sugarbell, I'm polite when I'm around them but that's about as far as I'm willing to go. Bill

Imissdow, My wife is also a pancreatic cancer widow. When we met and started to date it became apparent that her time was going to be an issue. She worked full time, led a Grief Share class 1 night a week for 26 weeks out of the year, was an officer in her local PanCan chapter, was involved at her church, and did a lot of things with her kids and grandkids. She also had dinners planned at least once a month with widow friends that she had met in Grief Share and PanCan. The first couple of months that we dated she would actually have to look at her calendar to see when she could go out (not a real confidence booster for me). She had made herself so busy in order to deal with her grief that she really didn?t have time to date. It was tough in the early going because I kind of felt like I was just something else she was trying to fit into her schedule. We?re married now and she still has a full schedule. She works one session of Grief Share a year instead of two. She isn?t involved with PanCan anymore, though we do walk in the walk every year. She still sees her widow friends, just not as often. She cut down on that stuff so we can still do a lot with our families, travel as much as we can, do church things together and just do the household stuff that married people do. It sounds like you have a busy life that you?re comfortable with and that?s great if that?s what you want. However, since you posted, I get the impression that you?re questioning whether you want more. There are only so many hours in the day and you?re the only one who can decide what you want and need to fill them with. In my personal opinion you are not ?overly picky? or ?emotionally unavailable?, you?re just trying to decide whats right for you and your family. It not an easy task and I wish you the best. Bill

Thank you both for your reply. At least I don't feel totally heartless now. I really do feel for people who have to go through what I went through (what we all went through). But at the same time my own experience tells me that there is nothing I can do or say that will make it better or easier for them. I did look for, and found, a couple of message boards similar to this one that deals with the loss of a child. One even had a forum dedicated to parents who have lost adult children. I gave those to her in hopes that it might give her some comfort. Thanks again for the replies. Bill Edit to add: Not to derail my original post, but I just noticed something. The day before yesterday, in the relationship/remarriage section, I posted about how I resented the fact that people avoided me after I was widowed. Here I posted that I really didn?t want to talk to people after I was widowed. That really seems like a contradiction. I guess what I really wanted was just to be normal again?..which we all know doesn?t happen for a very long time. Widowhood is so confusing.

When my wife died I really didn?t want to talk about it with people in real life. For some reason it felt like something private and personal to me. I guess I knew that there was no way that they could understand how I felt, even if I could figure out how to explain it. When people did try to talk to me about DW, their looks of pity and sadness just made me feel worse so I made it a point to change the subject. I found YWBB a few months after DW died. It was my therapy. I liked it because I was free to read as much as I wanted and post occasionally if I felt like it. I also met a good friend on YWBB whose husband died on the same day as my wife. Our friendship grew to the point that we talked via PM or email almost every day for probably two years. We were both widowed, both parents and both in the same time frame. We talked about everything under the sun in relation to grief and solo parenting. Now, my reason for asking. My sister?s adult daughter died a couple of months ago and she does want to talk about it. She wants to talk about how she misses her and all the other things that go along with grief. I guess I feel bad for not being more supportive, but it?s just hard for me to understand because it?s not the way I dealt with my grief. I know, I sound like a jerk, but there is more to the story than I want or need to provide here. I?m just wondering how many of you wanted and needed to talk to face to face about your grief. I?m also wondering how you handle things now when friends or family have a loss. Are you more supportive after what you?ve been through?

Hmmm, adult coloring books?......and what kind of store is this Michaels? ???

Mispah, I?m not good at replying to these types of post and usually just read and keep my mouth shut. But I wanted to tell my wife?s story because I thought it was relevant. My wife grew up in a large southern city. She was part of a large family with lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins that lived in the same area of town. She finished school, became a nurse, got married, had a couple of children, and had a job that she loved. She would have been content to live there the rest of her life. One day her husband was offered a very good job in a smaller city some 100+ miles away. She agreed to make the move because she knew it was a good opportunity for her husband. However, she insisted on renting their house instead of selling it so it would be there in case she wanted to move back. They moved and she said she cried almost every day for two years. One day she was talking to a friend from her old city on the phone and expressing how unhappy that she was and how much she missed her old life. The old friend had been one of her Sunday school teachers and made the comment ?God wants you to be holy more than he wants you to be happy?. I don?t say that to bring religion into the topic, but just to show that it took a long time for something to click for her and get things moving in a positive direction. They finally sold the house in the old city five years after they had moved. When her DH died some 20 years later she didn?t move back to her home city. By that time her kids were grown and starting families of their own in this area so she was content to stay. If I understand your post correctly you do/did love this guy. You?ve been through so many life changes in such relatively short period of time and all of these changes have you on the ropes. You?re the only one that can know if you love this man enough to try to come to terms with all these changes. You?re the only one who knows if you think you can ever be truly happy again even if you give it time. I wish you the best.

As seems to be the case with a lot of widows/ers most of my friends kind of disappeared for about 10 years (4.5 years of cancer and 6 years of being widowed). However, when I began dating someone seriously people seemed to come out of the woodwork. As soon as we started dating My GF and I began to get invitations to dinner and group gatherings. People at church and in my small community would go out of their way to come and talk to us instead of going out of their way to avoid me. Even my best friend, who I rarely heard from for 6 years, started texting me about once a week just to say, ?How?s it going?. It really stood out to me because it was like flipping a light switch. It was like I was invisible for all those years and then all of the sudden I reappeared. I understand that a lot of people didn't know what to say or do so they tended to keep their distance. Still, I kind of resented it at first; I mean, where were all of these people when I really needed them? At the same time though, I enjoyed it because it was nice to feel like I was a part of the real world again. I guess I?m just curious to know if this is the norm among widowed folks. Have those of you who have started a new relationship noticed such a night and day difference? Bill

Nope, we didn?t do one. I was married for 25 years and she was married for 30. I have no reason to suspect that our marriage would end for any other reason than our first ones did. My FIL died last summer and my DW wife?s inheritance was split between me and our kids. So, my kids already have what my DW would have wanted them to have. At this point (married 1.5 years) my Wife and I have ?our stuff?. However, we still have some ?my stuff? and ?her stuff?. She has a will and if she pasts in the near future I would make sure that her will is carried out as she wrote it. I have no doubt that she would do the same for me. I can already see that as the years go by we will gradually combine things and eventually end up with just ?our stuff?. I?m sure that when we see the need we?ll end up reevaluating our assets and decided how we want to divide it among all of our kids. In the end though, each couple has to do what they're comfortable with. Bill

I really didn't answer my own last question. I did have some guilty/confusion in the early going. I was stuck between wondering if it was ok to love her as much as DW and at the same time wondering if it was fair not to. I don't know that I can say that I love Wife more than DW, but I do love her as much. Like you said "apples to oranges". I do agree that society leaves a strong impression that we are expected to love our late spouse more. Of course, from what I can tell, the ones who think that are the ones who have not lost a spouse. I will add this. Since I've remarried I've wondered about my burial arrangements. I had a double headstone placed because in the early days there was no question in my mind that I would be buried beside my DW. Now I face the possibility of being married just as long to a woman that I love very deeply. I know....it's silly to think about that stuff because I won't even be around to know where I'm buried. Still, it does come to mind sometimes. ^^This^^. Nothing I can add. I went from not being sure if I wanted to put the time and effort into a new relationship to wanting to spend all my time with her in a flash.