maddalena

almost 5 years, still thinking about him.  And missing him. But I think about other stuff now too.

well, there are a few things that enter my mind. You already had sparks with this guy.  While all common sense says "too soon" honestly, after 6 months from my husband's death (which was not sudden like yours) I felt nauseated at the thought of another man.  I wasn't ready. but maybe you are.

Now, almost 5 years have gone by.  I am happily married for just a year now.  I am still grieving my husband.

I dream about him. I look for pictures of him sometimes and enjoy my memories of him.  Will your new guy know how to deal with this? What i'm saying is that grief isn't just going to stop after 2 years and go away in a nice little package. It's forever.

It's still messy for me when I wake up trying to figure out how i'm going to tell DH that NG is my husband now!! but I have been on my feet; I'm me again. I don't go to bed at night reliving the horrible times before my husband died (he was quite ill) any more. My good memories of him overshadow the sad parts now.

Are you feeling like your old self? that's a question you need to ask yourself....

and if you start too soon with NG, are you going to trash him when the clouds clear?

Hi Mimi,

 

I can't remember if it was you or not that once said to me "oh you just ran into a little corner of your mind that didn't know he was gone yet" but for me that seemed like a perfect explanation when feelings or dreams emerge unexpectedly. 

 

Good to see you back here. The 5 year club.... 

 

Thanks, Hachi.  It isn't quite 5 years, but it IS 5 years since I was losing him, he was quite sick by this time that year.

I wonder how many more of my brain cells need to be informed... 

 

I have dreams about my LH too. The ones that leave me feeling out of sorts for a bit are dreams where we are in our old house and I am trying to find a way to explain to him that I live with another man. He looks sad and wonders where all of his personal things are. It sucks.

that really does suck. I hope my DH doesn't do that. I do have some of his stuff in a box or two, I couldn't get rid of all of it.

For me, it was lower your expectations.

My new guy is absolutely wonderful in many ways. But in SOME ways, he cannot even begin to compete. So I judge.

If I had married new guy in 1978 instead of DDH, I would probably not even notice these things.

It's never ever like the first time. Oh well, except when you are first in love and blind. that still worked for me.

You have to find a man who is understanding, because DDH is ALWAYS in the house. and NG will always know that.

so if he can't talk about it, if he can't understand why you are crying,  look for someone else.

I consider myself very very fortunate to wake up every morning with this man.

there are no words. I hope it isn't as bad as you think. But nope, it's not fair at all.

Hugs, friend. It has just been over a year since LH died but he had been sick for some time and I had already accepted subconsciously that he was on the decline.. They come and go, but mostly I have such dreams when I am stressed. Which I have been of late. Plus, my NG is moving to a new place and is quite busy so I haven't seen him in the last week or so and know seeing him this weekend will be brief. The brain is something, isn't it?

You might be on to something, maybe it is a reaction to stress!

Maddalena, I still have dreams about DH where he has been alive all of this time and he won't explain where he has been and why he let me think he was dead.  He wants to just pick up where we left off and I feel awful because so much has changed and I'm engaged and fiancé is just patiently waiting to see if he needs to move out.  Those dreams are always upsetting and I don't really know why I still have them either.

YES!

I wake up in the morning wondering how the heck I am going to explain myself to these two men (that I love so much)

so nice to have someone understand.

thanks

(background: My husband died almost 5 years ago, and was well loved by all our neighbors)

my older neighbor Doris, has been married for about 25 years. I remember when she introduced me to her new husband, Bob.

In the last 5 years or so, he has been failing, he was 84 this year and had a bad ticker.

I was outside pruning bushes in my yard when Doris called me, please come help. so without a moment's hesitation, i ran over to her house "It's Bob!" she said "what should I do?" she said.

She led me into her tiny bathroom, just like mine, where he was wedged on his elbows and knees, face down. He was breathing, so i turned his head so his nose wasn't being squashed.  I told her to call 911.

I couldn't pull him out, but just then, another neighbor appeared, and he pulled Bob out and laid him on his back.

As I put my hands on Bob's warm chest,  we felt his last heart beats.  We could already hear the aide car. I just couldn't bring myself to push on his chest. He had been ailing for so long. Just then 3 huge strapping EMTs came into the house and pulled Bob into the livingroom and were preparing him for lifesaving efforts.

And I said

"does he have a DNR?"

All of the EMT's stopped. and stared.

Doris said "what's that?"

we explained it.  She said, "oh yeah, it's on the fridge"

so. I saved a frail old man from a lot of stress. and he was pronounced dead.

Bob was a nice person, but I had no idea how much his death was going to affect me. For days and days.

I sat with Doris, waiting for her family to show up.  She knew I was a widow and she knew I knew what was next for her.

She deferred to me on a number of minor decisions.

Her family eventually came, and I finally left.

I lost a week. really. And have had so many flashbacks, and now dreams of DH.

I felt like it was a really special, but hard thing being there while Bob died. 

Doris is very fortunate, she has a lot of attentive relatives.  I live across the street so I can see them coming and going.

But we know, it's really hard.

Thanks for listening.

In the first month after my DH's death, I had a lot of dreams in which he was alive.  They often included me desperately trying to call him on the phone, in fact, I woke up dialing his cell number once. But now it's been almost 5 years.  I'm still trying to find him.  My subconscious has not accepted his death, even as I have celebrated my one year anniversary with my new husband.  Last night, I had hired a private investigator to find him. 

Life is really good for me right now; aside from the fact that I know I'll never be a grandmother. I can't understand why I'm still searching for him.

5 years and he's still so close. Thinking of you in these times.

I had yet another dream, I was hitting a private detective to track my husband down. In my dreams, he hasn't died

i hear you. July is not a good month anymore. He died in July. I remember that July when the flowers were blooming and fruit trees were bearing fruit. And it just seemed so pointless. There's a stain on this month now.

oh yeah, because YOU know that you can't always land on your feet.  Ouch.

now I look back at my DH who died before he turned 62 years old, and i marvel at how young and beautiful he was. That he's never going to get old and saggy like his brother and sister who are still alive are.

This board was such a blessing to me when every day was a cascade of tears.

THis board was such a blessing to me when I had days that weren't so bad

This board was such a great blessing to me when I noticed I might be interested in another guy after all.

I was married in March to a sweet man. We are both in our 60s and are both very happy to have each other.

I just passed the 4th anniversary of my DH's death. The gladiolas that he planted the spring before he died bloomed on the day he died again. I still think about him every day.  Sometimes i can just laugh about him.

"is it a good thing? well if it's such a good thing, stick it up your ass, a good thing won't hurt you" one of his bad jokes that surfaced last week.

My younger son just split up with his wife of almost 8 years. My DH and I were at their party, at their wedding, we endeavored to really welcome the young woman into our family. and i thought we did. But it didn't work out. We are all grieving again. Grieving the loss of this young woman from our life (she's not the type to even try to have a relationship with us (my other son and I) now that son and she are no longer together)

grieving the loss of their marriage, and grieving the children that were promised after she got her master's degree. (He waited until she finished up her degree before he told her he wanted out)

anyway, it's life. Every day we wake up and face another day. I am fortunate to have someone to share my life, my love and my bed. It's so nice to have a human in the bed in the morning!

Mimi

trying, I continually remind NG that he's a feminist, not a chauvinist, but with him it's really a kneejerk reaction. He was treated very badly by his first wife, i think...

i agree with you, thank you.

not sure i can get HIM to agree though.

Maybe some of you have already been here and can help me with this problem.  Although I retired early to take care of my dying spouse, a long career in Aerospace left me with a pension and pretty good SS.

My new beau has also worked hard all his life, but as a social worker in a poor area. So his retired income will be far less than what mine is.

Now, whenever he owes me something, he over pays. if he owes me 60 he pays me 100. He hates to take my money (he's proud) he also spends a lot on gifts WAY WAY too much. (much more than I would )

He's moving into my house and I originally planned to charge him rent, but I'm afraid it's just going to be more of him handing money over to me!

I decided to just put him on my checking account.. any other ideas?

as for you who wondered about the bird...

He decided the change in climate would be too much for it and found it a very loving home. He was also really afraid of how traumatic a cross country road trip would be for the bird.

congrats! me too!

yes, there's a little part of me that says, "hmph, DH would have no problem with this conversation, he'd totally get it and we'd be down the road already"

but then there are other times when I think, "OMG, new guy didn't blow his stack over this thing, DH totally would have!"

so while i'm grousing, I compare, it's not fair. but i keep it to my self. DH is dead. New Guy is alive, he loves me. And neither was perfect. So I'll pick the alive imperfect guy and keep my BS to myself.

in July of 2012 I lost the love of my life, he died from cancer. there's not a day that goes by that i don't think of him, wish he was here, wish I could talk to him, wish he could see his sons. None of that has ceased.

But I found my own chapter II.

I met a man last summer (2014) that i knew from my freshman year in college. We seemed to get along pretty well, and then we were both smitten.

He's a bit of an odd duck, but then, so am I.  And we had a lot of the really important stuff in common.

We both want to have a relationship. We both are willing to work on it, to learn from mistakes, and be as honest as we can about our needs, what bothers us, what we like.

When you're 64 (and we both are) you know there really are no prince charmings, that every single man and woman has some personality issues, and sometimes you won't meet each other's needs or expectations.

that's just the way it is.

He agreed to move out here when he was ready to retire, as I have kids (grown of course) and he does not.  to make a long story short, we got his house ready to sell, and instead of taking months to sell, it took

days! so he gave notice at work, and a week before my birthday, presented me with a lovely ruby ring. We are engaged!

I've spent the last two months making room for him in my house! and before Christmas, he'll be here!

enough exclamation points! woohoo!

So back to how i started this thing. I lost the love of my life. New Guy is wonderful. He loves me, I love him. He's got some qualities my first dear husband didn't have. He lacks some that DH had.

Maybe he'll end up being the love of my life, but right now, he's just the man who is IN my life. Whose eyes sparkle when he sees me. Who tries to please me. Who gives me all the hugs I need and

who has my  back. he has my back! He's my partner, he's my friend. He's my ally. He's there for me when I'm sick, he supports me when others seem to be unfair. Of course, I am all these things to him.

it's a two way deal. Anyway, who knew! and that's my update.

i met my guy last year on neutral ground. i had not seen him in 45 years. he was grey and bald, with very rugged skin from too much sun and only when he smiled could i see the cute boy he had been.

i was dismayed at his appearance, but it only took 24 hours for some chemistry to happen.  we had been on the phone for two months before we met.

we are still long distance but the end is in sight

love comes