maddalena

you're going to be in Rome and he's not coming? That's a red flag. Sorry, i am the ultimate romantic, but THAT bothers me.

I'm glad you spoke to him. he needs to get honest fast.

what a drag that he didn't pick the phone up. My BF turns off his cell at night sometimes, but he has a landline too.

i want to know why. please let us know.

hugs

ah, first memories. mine are very good.

When I met my husband, he was my date's younger brother. And I didn't like him at all.

then a week later, when I crashed their bedroom in a boarding house (by climbing into their window!!) my future husband was

embarrassed and appalled because he was sleeping nude and i had invaded his home. PS i WAS invited by his brother.

5 years later, we fell in love. but those early days... lol

oh, I thought i was the only one

"Leaving Barney" by Bette Ann Moskowitz

is one I'll add to the list. It's for sale for 1 cent on amazon.

geez. thanks for the warning.

last winter i faced another long lonely winter. My boyfriend lives in florida, a place i do not care for.

he said, come here for the winter!

so i did. Mind you, i'm retired, so it's a little different.

this is what happened:

I found a place where I could paint. I found a place where i could do yoga.  I started making friends. I created a new life, a new routine. Of course the absolutely horrid weather started around april, but i went home first. My prejudices changed a little. It WAS possible to be happy in that place.

My point is, it's easier than you think to create a new life. Honestly, I was shocked; i felt like i was a different person how easily i fell into new routines. Try it, you might just like it!

 

 

"insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"--Another philosophy of NA/AA.

 

Good stuff.

one of my DH's favorite quotations... from NA. thanks

this is the best thread ever. The only place i ever used that word. with gusto!

yes, anniversary announcements bother me too. my niece is celebrating 13 years. We were at her wedding. sigh..

happy for her, but sent me into a tailspin.

 

I'm not even a year out yet, so I probably shouldn't post in this section as it doesn't pertain to me, however I like to read the topics here as it does give me hope.

Just rambling about something that I don't know anything about, as usual the damaged part struck a chord because that is exactly how I feel.

yes, you should be here.  We are all learning from each other!!!!

 

 

However, a new love knows that we will never stop loving another and that many of us can not say "you are the great love of my life" .  We come with fears about accidents or health issues that can seem irrational to someone who hasn't lost someone, because we know that our worst fears can happen.  We have unpredictable grief triggers that no one can prevent.  Our family and friends may hold our lost loves on a pedestal so that no one else can ever measure up.  In my case, my children are not ready for me to be in a relationship and make things difficult.

 

yes, this worries my BF. I told him he was the best squeeze ever, and he said, what about DH? won't that make him feel bad?

so i have to tell him. DH was a great hugger, but he wasn't cuddly like you... sigh..

aw, I think about you a lot Maureen... "it isn't fair" comes to mind, but you know, that's just silly. thanks for posting.

it's funny that you mention the foot in the past thing. My sons are in their 30's and they still want to hear about THEIR dad too. So i find myself going back... like you do.. and part of me wishing i could forget.. which might ease the pain.

yep

At first I thought my widowed status was sort of a good thing. I had  a little extra money than the average single gal, I had never been divorced, but had lived through 35 years of marriage, and learned a helluva lot, I knew how to please a man, take care of a man, be the best nurse a man could have... with credentials like that... well.

but there's that other side to being a widow which makes us more like damaged goods.

I still dream about him. I still mourn him.. Even sometimes I cry. Even sometimes, while having just had a nice day with New Guy, I find myself missing DH....

what the heck is wrong with me? I've got this great, loving, ALIVE man... and i still miss my dead husband..

I am very fortunate, new guy is very patient and understanding, even though he certainly couldn't REALLY understand because the only persons he's ever lost to death were his grandparents. (yes, he still has both parents!)

your thoughts? add to my craziness...

I heard an echo in here. I started my relationship with the man in Tallahassee because, i figured he was safe.. because he was on the other side of the USA.. what the heck were we thinking??

so here we are, you with a true love on the other side of the pond, and me with my true love on the other side of the continent.

what would we do without email, texts, skype, and phone calls?

How did i get so interested in frequent flyer miles all of a sudden? I mean, I actually accrue them now!

I hope you guys come up with a compromise that works.. I think we have one, but i still have a year to wait.. and even that isn't certain. nothing is, really.

And as widows, that's what WE really know.. That NOTHING is certain, and no matter what plans we make, shit happens.

My new guy has not ever suffered a loss like we have, so he doesn't REALLY understand what time is..

good luck to you and i hope you get over your jet lag ASAP.

how come one of your neighbor's kids will never remember him?

I am sorry to hear of this sad family..

at two years out, I realized that I missed love too.  I even wrote about it; I will quote: "This is what I miss: a secret smile, that intimacy which took so long to build... Why am I longing so much, will love forever be elusive?"

I wrote that the morning I set out on my new adventure, meeting a guy I hadn't seen in 45 years.

and This new guy, he is so entirely different from my DH.. but i found love. I found the secret looks, the secret touches, the secret smiles, the easy embrace, holding hands, sharing a meal, being loved. OMG it feels so good to be loved again.

It's closing in on three years for me now. I still miss my DH and talk to him; especially when I ride my bike. SOmetimes it's crazy making, how can I love two guys? well, simple. One's dead and while he can't hug and hold me anymore, he still loves me and I will always love him. New guy? he gets the hugs, the kisses, the walks in the park..

That's my story.. as crazy as it is.

i can't tell from your profile when your husband died.  But i agree with the others, don't beat yourself up. IT sounds like you've found at least, a great ally. Drinking takes away the brakes, so when you're around him, don't drink.

baby steps. and stay true to yourself!

i'd send that email.  8) 

Many years ago, my girlfriend and her husband split up.  After 30 years of a loveless marriage, she found the love of her life and left her husband. Her kids

were not kind. Her daughter, daddy's girl,  to this day makes her life miserable whenever she can.

Her son, who was HER child, distanced himself when the family started spreading terrible rumors about her.

I couldn't stand it and finally sent him an email where I told him, hey, this is YOUR mother, how can you possibly believe this BS? you KNOW she is not like that.

Well, he came around.

The downside is that he's never spoken to ME again, but i don't really care, she gets to have a good relationship with him, his wife, and now, his two kids, her darling grandchildren.

Too soon and Sugarbell give excellent advice.

I look forward to you answering Sugarbell's questions

each pension plan is different. My own policy was set that if my husband outlived me (yeah, right) he'd get it, but if i remarried and predeceased second spouse, my pension would not continue.

social security is different; you should call the social security office, momtojo.

no tv. and new guy just got rid of his too. 

i do understand, and was overjoyed when both of my close-by young widow friends found man-friends...

Carey,

sounds like you're doing the right thing. Tell the middle guys what you don't like? feedback helps!

good luck.