I have had depression all of my life. When my husband died of alcoholism/cirrhosis at age 42, I understandably spiraled out of control. I was terrible at my job, crying all the time, lonely (part of the whole alcoholism thing), and spent a lot of time thinking about whether to end it. It was bad.
Anniversaries are especially bad, and I have one coming up. Paul and I would have been married for 21 years. His 7 year deathiversary comes a little later this summer. I tried to take my antidepressant dose down a notch, and it has not worked out for the best.
I have remarried and do not want to burden my new husband with all this crap. He has been unbelievably supportive. But I cannot get the pictures of my first husband throwing up blood, jaundiced in the hospital, calling me asking me to visit him in the hospital on those few hours I had by myself (much guilt there), and wasting away in front of my eyes when there was nothing I could really do. His family blames me (though I didn't know he was drinking again after his first hospitalization), and hasn't spoken to me since his death. I've been asked to not contact them and am respectful of that. But this guilt...it is with me every. single. minute.
It's been 7 years, and though I have times that are good, I cannot seem to escape this hole I am in. Going back to my old meds, but I just needed to unburden my heart somewhere. The psychiatrist I had been seeing also saw us as a couple, and it isn't helping me to go to him because I associate him so much with that time, if that makes sense. Thanks for listening.