soloact

Needytoo, none of this is your fault. Please try to remember that. Stepthing is manipulative. She may try to rewrite what occurs but you know what really happened all these years. Hoping your visit with your dad is pleasant this weekend. Take care of you.

Needytoo, there are many good responses on this thread. Mike put it on the line. Stepthing could not have done this without your dad's agreement. It's unfortunate but it happens maybe more than you realize. 

My dad had a sleeping bag. He never married her but expected the rest of the world to kiss that ring he never put on her hand. I was cut off as were his close friends. He broke my heart but I survived. Two hours after the sleeping bag got her hat my phone rang. Dad's expectation was that I would abandon my husband, my home and go to his adopted home state to run his household until he met another woman. I declined that generous offer. He said I would be cut out of his will.  Ha ha! That happened years prior.

As outrageous as my dad's demand was it was even worse as I was my husband's 24 hour caregiver at the time. A few years later I heard from my dad again. He wanted to come here to live with me. My door was always open to him but I would not relocate. He never came here and I was told by my stepmom (dad's ex-wife) and my dad's used-to-be closest male friend that I dodged a bullet. They told me he would not be kind. 

I learned of his death from Google. 

I agree. They are old enough to prepare a meal for themselves and enjoy the day as they please. 

sudnlysngl, seems new B thinks she has a lot of what it takes to change him.  lol

I think he drives by your place because he knows he made a big mistake. If he was  totally satisfied with his new situation it would take up all his time. We knew someone years ago who was confounded because the ex who left him for the one who dumped her wrote poison pen letters to him whenever she was married. When she was between husbands she tried to woo him. It was plain to an outsider that she had regrets. Crazy comes in all ages and genders.

Your back pain makes it so much more difficult to tolerate this stupidity. If at all possible try to ignore them. They're nuts. You have more important things to deal with. He's just not worth the space in your head. Evict him.

Hope you find a good orthopedic surgeon soon and get relief from your pain. 

Congrats rooshy!  I'm happy for you and for me. UH is my health insurer. They have good people and now a great one! 

Fingers crossed for you!

Your post reminded me of someone I know. I limit my exposure to her.  I'm not inclined to think folks like this will ever be self aware. 

Yes, the time will come when a smile crosses your lips before a tear falls. There are still times that are challenging for me. The loss will always have the hurtful days vut most will be good ones. 

I miss our life together. That will never, ever go away. It's a learn to live with it thing for me.

Just a word of caution. Information provided by reps at Social Security can be inaccurate. It's worthwhile to do some research on benefits before applying. The website ssa.gov has some good info. There are books on the subject. This online Q&A resource is valuable. Questions are answered promptly. The site has access to present and former SS higher ups when needed. 

https://maximizemysocialsecurity.com/ask-larry

I watched the services on tv today. Very inspiring. My husband and father served too. We enjoy our freedoms because of the service and sacrifice of our military personnel. 

I'm pulling for you for the Ohio State position. Sorry for the day's other frustrations and disappointments. Some days can be so difficult. Hang in there!

sdarrah, reading your post made me tired, frustrated and thinking of running away from home. I live here alone and wanted to run away! 

Glad you posted. You need a ton of support. Talk to NG. They are his adults so he's the one to address the helplessness on their/his part.  Let him know what changes need to be made. It's important that he understand. The pattern is set so he may genuinely not understand what adjustments need be made unless you make it very clear.  

If you enjoy cooking do so when the spirit moves you. Cook what you want to cook. Kitchens are equal opportunity areas. Any family member is free to prepare whatever they prefer. Not your job. Same for all the household chores. Not your job. Looking into a cleaning service may help with the deep cleaning at the very least. 

Keep an overnight bag packed in case you need a quick break. Something's gotta give. 

Good luck and please post back to let us know how you are doing. 

3 hours ago, Mac said:

I remember what my neighbor said to me at about the one year mark, “Mac so many men remarry within the first year or two, but I don’t see you doing that. You and Cindy were such a great couple, but you were both so independent.”

Mac's statement resonated. My husband was very laid back. He didn't want to be my boss. Some of my women friends now scare me. Real or imagined they say "my husband will kill me if I _________." That's nuts!. I was never in that situation and would not live that way. Maybe I've fallen in with bad companions   One had to ask her husband for permission to turn on the air conditioning! 

I'm almost eleven years out. I don't want to deal with someone's used-to-be's, adults, grands etc. Seems like a lot of work. I don't have that baggage and don't want to volunteer for it. I do as I please. I don't want to change that. Next week I am having a minor procedure. The hospital requires me to have a hostage present before, during and after. If I fail to present with said hostage the procedure will be cancelled. My dear friend who has offered her help is a member of a religious order. She is calm, even tempered and reassuring. I'm very comfortable with her. A giant bonus is I don't have to worry that she will bail at the last minute because of an opportunity to babysit a grand. 

Raymond, your post is beautiful. Can a person of 23 have the same love as a 50 year old? I don't know.

I don't have the energy I did at 23. I'm not dating so maybe I am not qualified to comment. I was 23 when my husband and I met. It was an immediate strong attraction, high flying and exciting. I definitely don't have that energy now. 

Are you happy in the company of your new lady? Would you be unhappy without her? If you parted ways and she moved on would you regret the parting? 

Please post back with updates. I wish you much happiness and contentment.

Year two was difficult for me too. To me year two drove home that this is endless. I knew it prior on an intellectual level. It was visceral in the second year. Each year or period of time seems to have it's own characteristics. I'm a few months from eleven years. A memory or a song still brings a smile and a tear. Some days are sad. It's just the way it is. 

I went to a neighboring community's car show last evening. It's nice to see the older cars given so much love by their owners. The rain held up until after the event. We had some winds and very dark clouds but no rain. Pleasant evening. 

We knew a couple who resolved this in an interesting way. He was a widower who buried his late wife in a double plot with room for him. He and his new wife purchased a single plot adjacent to the double plot. He would be buried between the ladies. If people asked about the arrangement his wife would always smile and say he won't know which way to turn. 

I was told not to return to a New Beginnings group. I was originally told only of a General group about an hour drive from my home. The first meeting was two widows, one man who lost his brother and a person who needed an AA meetings. That person monopolized the group with a nonsense story. He claimed to know someone who knew someone who lost a family member. The person who lost a family member did not feel the need for support so he was there in his stead. 

I looked online for other groups run by that hospice. The New Beginnings was a 15 minute drive from my house and specific to my situation. I attended three times. All was well. When I arrived for the fourth meeting the facilitator wanted to speak to me privately. She said she was relaying a message from the director. The message was that I was to return to the General group an hour drive from home. 

I did some research and learned that that hospice rented space in their administrative building to AA. Dots connected. I never returned to the General group. I received a phone call from the director admonishing me for not attending. I told her to get off my phone.  A few hours later I received another call from someone who said she was a counselor. She wanted me to book private sessions with her to deal with my anger issues. 

 I wanted to attend a group to interact with others. I was painfully lonely. My spouse was not on service so any private sessions would be fee for service. Hospice was more interested in serving their tenant AA or selling private lessons than helping.   

A group member from the New Beginnings phoned me to tell me of another group run by a different hospice. No weird agenda there. It was very helpful. 

sudnlysngl, I am not surprised you were asked not to return to the group. I'm sorry that happened to you but not at all surprised. 

Sam,

Is long term care insurance an option for you and your intended? A consult with an attorney may provide information on some type of trust agreement to provide the type of protection you desire. 

Your questions reminded me of something a widowed person told me early on. The people who matter don't mind. The people who mind don't matter. That's one of the very few pieces of useful advice I received in that time. 

Wishing you a solution that works well for both of you and many happy, health years together. 

Best

Hello Sweetheart

His VMs all started with that greeting. I saved them as long as I could. I hear you on the blessing and curse. The phone provider played all saved messages at intervals before I could hear the new. That was diffiicult. I asked friends to leave massages on my home phone. Nope! They have mobile phone sickness.

Just over a year ago the provider purged the servers. I never initialized the new mailbox. Now I get those amazing grandchild, no good husband VMs at home. I can hit skip message at home.

Comparing any two situations that aren't perfectly identical is asking for trouble, especially depending on the sensitivities of those involved.

 

At the same time, though, we as widows have to be careful about claiming the undisputed world championship of pain. As painful as a well-loved spouse's death can be, I also can't imagine the pain of that same spouse abruptly choosing to sever all ties and live with another person, especially if children are involved.

 

Both scenarios can wreck lives, and I don't believe it's our call to decide which one is worse.

The first time a deceased spouse returns from the dead and they get back together I'll sign on to that. Until then there is no comparison. Past time for the divorced people to stop pushing that nonsense on the widowed population.

We got it right. They should be taking notes. 

A few years after my husband died I got a call out of the blue. The caller told me she and her husband have separated. I told her I'm sorry. She went on to tell me how lucky I am. I know where my husband is and don't have to worry that he is with another woman.

I continued to listen while looking for the slap button on my phone.

Makes ya wnder.

A friend refers to this as mouth in overdrive, brain in neutral.

Setting up the legal necessities is fairly easy to do. It's a great help not to have to deal with finances in disarray while grieving.

Preparing for the personal loss there is no way. Our lives are irrevocably changed. We learn to deal with that as we go along. It's not easy. I consider it the same as a chronic medical condition that requires management.

There was a mention of savings bonds on the thread. My husband had a few with me as POD. The bank I visited made me jump through foolish hoops. If I had that to do again I would have mailed them to the Feds for reissue.

The redemption amount was not a lot. Still don't know why the silliness from the bank manager. When the manager finally decided I produced enough documents it was fun to close out all accounts and take the funds to the institution across the street.