ColSavMama

Thank you for your replies, everyone. You've given me a lot to think about. <3

I have a question. My husband passed away in December. He and I were married for six years, and we really didn't have a good marriage. He wasn't a good person. He drank, and had affairs, and was verbally and mentally and sometimes physically abusive. I have been thinking a lot of how to get closure for myself. I had him cremated and am doing a bio urn with his ashes. If you don't know what that is, its when you mix the ashes with seeds into a biodegradable urn and bury them to grow into a tree together. I decided to bury our rings, along with a few other things, with the ashes and seeds. I am contemplating also writing him a letter to bury with it all. I am so ready to put our entire marriage behind me. I have no good memories. The few happy times I can think of are some how twisted in with bad memories. Like, I can remember him being really sweet and kind one day, but know that it only happened cause he was trying to make up for something really bad he did. Here's the thing though. I am scared to write the letter. I am scared to even say any of this out loud. I feel like, once someone is gone, people think they should just be forgiven. Only good things remembered or spoken of. I feel like if I talk about how angry I still am, or how much I still just hate him, or if I write this letter full of hate, that I'm going to put out bad karma. I feel like the universe and God will think I am just a cold hearted person. I know that sounds crazy, but it frightens me. I've tried to just forgive him and move on. But, things that he did still surface to this day. I am still finding out, 7 months later, about things that happened while he was alive. So it's hard to not be angry all the time. At the same time though, I feel like burying this stuff and writing the letter will be a way to get closure. To just put the entire marriage behind me and move on. Is this weird? Am I crazy for thinking that saying or writing bad things about someone who has died is just a cruel thing to do,?

Thank you for your replies. I guess the smart thing for me to do is to at least distance us and take them slow, if I will allow them in at all.

I had posted about this situation in a reply to someone else going through stuff with in-laws. But, I wanted to lay it out here to get some other opinions on the situation. My husband and I got engaged in the month of December, I was pregnant with our daughter so we decided to wait until the following April, and little over a year, to have the wedding. Well, his father passed away that January, a month after our engagement. By that time we had the hall booked and paid for, over a year in advance, and had started making arrangements. But, he had gone through a complete transition when he lost his dad. He didn't want to wait for over a year. He wanted to marry me and start living our life together asap. He wanted to be married before our daughter was born. So, we decided to have a very small ceremony that April and keep our hall booked to have a big wedding on our 1 year anniversary. When his father passed away my husband inherited a house, and a few vehicles, and an insurance policy. He had 2 half brothers (they did not belong to his dad), and a mother who was constantly asking him for stuff. Believe me, my husband was happy to oblige, things that were important to them, things that would remind them of their step father or ex husband, anything that they wanted, they got. But, their tunes changed when we told them we were getting married in a few months, instead of the following year. They told my husband I was after the inheritance. That I was only marrying him for money. They didn't take into consideration that we were already engaged and planning everything before his father even passed. The morning of our wedding he got an email from his brother letting him know that if he went through with it the family would never speak to him again. He was devastated. But, still married me that day. The family continued to bad mouth me at every turn. They told the entire extended family what an awful horrible nasty person I was who was after his dead fathers money. And, in all reality, that money didn't last us a year. We sold the home he inherited, bought a home closer to our area, paid off a car, paid off the lease of the apartment we were in, furnished our home, and were back to broke. It's not like he was a millionaire and I was someone who had just met him. But none of that mattered. The day I had our daughter he decided to try and make things right with his mom. He called her from the hospital and asked if she would like to see her granddaughter. He drove out to pick her up, brought her in, and then after we visited for a while, took her home. We invited her to come spend Christmas with us that year, and she said she would. Christmas Day we didn't hear from her. My husband had managed to track her down at HIS EX GIRLFRIENDS HOME. She had decided that instead of spending Christmas with us, she was spending it with his ex and her family. Total slap in the face. That was the last we saw of her. Fast forward 6 years later. The day my husband passed away. At this point we have not seen or spoken to his brothers the full 6 years, they continued to bad mouth us in public and on social media, but that's it. When he died it was very sudden. He was not sick and there was no warning. In order to reach his family I had to call his ex girlfriend and have her track his mother down. After she reached them his brother called me SCREAMING and CURSING at me that I was lying and he wasn't gone and how dare I do this to them. Keep in mind, I had only found out my husband was gone less than a half hour before this. I was very distraught and emotional and now have someone screaming at me. I said my goodbyes to my husband, I told him all I needed to tell him, and left the hospital. I knew the 3 of them were on their way. Not only did they show up, the staff told me they stayed for HOURS. Hours of them crying and 'I lost my baby' and causing all kinds of scenes. They spent hours with the man they abandoned 6 years earlier. They couldn't spend 5 minutes with our family while he was alive, but spent hours with him once he was gone. After that they pummeled me. I was getting constant texts and phone calls. They want to see my kids. They want us to come for holidays. They want to constantly check in on us. And I'm torn. Maybe they realized in my husbands passing how short life can be, and they really do want to make it right. However, why should I let my children get close to them when I know first hand how easily they can cut off their own flesh and blood and walk away. God forbid my children make a decision they don't agree with, are they going to disown them? Abandon them? Why would I take that chance? They've had 6 years to be a part of my family. They are the ones that made the decision not to. Part of me doesn't want to rob my children of getting to know their Daddy's side of the family, especially now since he is gone. But, part of me is very scared to let the walls down after what they did to me. To us. I really am at a loss at what would be the right decision.

I have managed to have the opposite problem. My husband and I got engaged in the month of December, I was pregnant with our daughter so we decided to wait until the following April, and little over a year, to have the wedding. Well, his father passed away that January, a month after our engagement. By that time we had the hall booked and paid for, over a year in advance, and had started making arrangements. But, he had gone through a complete transition when he lost his dad. He didn't want to wait for over a year. He wanted to marry me and start living our life together asap. He wanted to be married before our daughter was born. So, we decided to have a very small ceremony that April and keep our hall booked to have a big wedding on our 1 year anniversary. When his father passed away my husband inherited a house, and a few vehicles, and an insurance policy. He had 2 half brothers (they did not belong to his dad), and a mother who was constantly asking him for stuff. Believe me, my husband was happy to let them take things, things that were important to them, things that would remind them of their step father or ex husband, anything that they wanted, they got. But, their tunes changed when we told them we were getting married in a few months, instead of the following year. They told my husband I was after the inheritance. That I was only marrying him for money. They didn't take into consideration that we were already engaged and planning everything before his father even passed. The morning of our wedding he got an email from his brother letting him know that if he went through with it the family would never speak to him again. He was devastated. But, still married me that day. The family continued to bad mouth me at every turn. They told the entire extended family what an awful horrible nasty person I was who was after his dead fathers money. And, in all reality, that money didn't last us a year. We sold the home he inherited, bought a home closer to our area, paid off a car, paid off the lease of the apartment we were in, furnished our home, and were back to broke. It's not like he was a millionaire and I was someone who had just met him. But none of that mattered. The day I had our daughter he decided to try and make things right with his mom. He called her from the hospital and asked if she would like to see her granddaughter. He drove out to pick her up, brought her in, and then after we visited for a while, took her home. We invited her to come spend Christmas with us that year, and she said she would. Christmas Day we didn't hear from her. My husband had managed to track her down at HIS EX GIRLFRIENDS HOME. She had decided that instead of spending Christmas with us, she was spending it with his ex and her family. Total slap in the face. That was the last we saw of her. Fast forward 6 years later. The day my husband passed away. At this point we have not seen or spoken to his brothers the full 6 years, they continued to bad mouth us in public and on social media, but that's it. When he died it was very sudden. He was not sick and there was no warning. In order to reach his family I had to call his ex girlfriend and have her track his mother down. After she reached them his brother called me SCREAMING and CURSING at me that I was lying and he wasn't gone and how dare I do this to them. Keep in mind, I had only found out my husband was gone less than a half hour before this. I was very distraught and emotional and now have someone screaming at me. I said my goodbyes to my husband, I told him all I needed to tell him, and left the hospital. I knew the 3 of them were on their way. Not only did they show up, the staff told me they stayed for HOURS. Hours of them crying and 'I lost my baby' and causing all kinds of scenes. They spent hours with the man they abandoned 6 years earlier. They couldn't spend 5 minutes with our family while he was alive, but spent hours with him once he was gone. After that they pummeled. me. I was getting constant texts and phone calls. They want to see my kids. They want us to come for holidays. They want to constantly check in on us. And I'm torn. Maybe they realized in my husbands passing how short life can be, and they really do want to make it right. However, why should I let my children get close to them when I know first hand how easily they can cut off their own flesh and blood and walk away. God forbid my children make a decision they don't agree with, are they going to disown them? Abandon them? Why would I take that chance? They've had 6 years to be a part of my family. They are the ones that made the decision not to. I really am at a loss at what would be the right decision. I am sorry that your in-laws have deserted you during the time that you have needed them the most. Truly, I am. I hope and pray that you are surrounded by others that support you and are there for you. I know first hand how important it is to have some kind of leaning post when you lose your spouse. Hopefully you have one as well. All my love. <3

Thank you again , everyone. The understanding and acceptance here is just amazing.

I honestly didn't expect so many people to respond or understand. I don't know that I have ever expressed my anger out loud out of fear of being deemed horrible for speaking poorly of the dead. Or, I think I expected others to maybe think that when I am sad it's not real, like I am putting on a show, because one minute I hate him and the next minute I miss him. Now that I feel a little more comfortable here, I think I am going to lay out something else that I struggle with. Something I know for a fact I have never said out loud, because it's just awful. I think him dying is my fault. I think I was punished in a way. Ugh. Those words hurt to even write. You see, when we were going through all our messiness. The drinking, the affairs, I don't know how many times I thought 'it would be so much effing easier if he was just gone'. Or, something along those lines. I mean, who does that? Who wishes death on her husband, the father of her children? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DOES THAT?! There was times I was just so damn angry. Or times, especially in the beginning of our separation that he made it a point to make my life hell. Drunk phone calls all night, showing up at my apartment looking for a fight, throwing other women in my face, just mindless games. With my husband and I, the bad was awful and the good was great. And, through the awful, more than once, I wished for bad bad stuff. And then it happened. And there are times, especially the first few days, that I really feel like it's God punishing me for wishing such a terrible thing. My kids are devastated about losing him, completely devastated, and I didn't think of their feelings or what they'd go through every time I wished for it to happen. And now I have to live with that. I just feel like such an awful human being.

I miss my husband terribly. I lost him on 12/13 to a brain aneurysm. It was very sudden, no way to know or prepare, here one minute and gone the next. My children are devastated, and it kills me that they will not have him to walk my daughter down the isle or take my son fishing. It absolutely kills me. But. Part of me is not sad. Part of me is angry. You see, my husband and I, we had a very rocky marriage. There were affairs on his part, we had separated for a good period of time, all the while he 'worked on himself'. He was a drinker. While we were separated he had promised me every single day that he was done with that life. He was ready to grow up and be a father and a husband. To be a family man. During our separation the kids saw him every single day. He was still very present in our lives. We still did everything as a family while trying to simultaneously work on our marriage. I really thought we were on a good road, and that I was going to have the marriage I always wanted with the man I loved so deeply. I had ordered him a new wedding ring in November. It was my way of letting him know that I was ready for us to move back in together and to be the family we were meant to be. I so badly wanted to separation to end, and I believed he was a new man. I loved him so much. I loved him from the moment I laid eyes on him years and years ago. While he asked me every single day if we could move back in together, I decided I would save the ring till Christmas. I would tell him Christmas morning that I was ready, by giving him the ring. He died 12 days before that could happen. After he died, though. While I am trying to hold myself together, grieve my husband, my marriage, grieve for my children, things started surfacing. Women. Women and secrets. They all started surfacing. All I wanted was to be sad. To make arrangements, and take care of our children, and mourn the way a wife should. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that in his death I had to endure more pain. It wasn't fair that I was robbed of grieving him properly because every day I had a new reason to be angry with him. Part of me, a huge significant part of me, is still just so damn angry. I'm angry about the women and the secrets and the lies he told me every single day. But, I'm more angry that I was put through it all in his death. I can't explain the feeling, and I don't know if it makes sense, but, I was robbed of grieving my husband, and I was robbed by him. Which really really amplifies the anger. A lot. I want to be sad. I feel guilty for not being more sad. But, I am still so angry. And I feel guilty for that as well. All I want to do is just forget about it. I just want to let it go, it's in the past, he is gone, and move on. But I don't know how to do that. Because I haven't fully grieved. And I don't know that I ever will. Because I am still so damn angry.

Hello. I was just introduced to this website by a very kind gentleman who found me by chance. I had posted on a page on facebook about being a widow, and he messaged me with this link. How wonderful to have a place to go and speak to people who understand. I've yet to find that in the real world. I am the mother of two children. We lost my husband on December 13th. It's still very fresh, very new, very painful for all of us. While I will never understand the reasoning, I know that I have to be strong and live life for my children. Regardless of how hard it is. I just wanted to be sure to come and introduce myself. I am now going to go poke around on this site a bit. I did see some forums that look like they are where I belong. I want to thank the man that lead me here, Justin I believe is his name.