Guaruj

I'm so sorry about your kitty. It sounds like this is traumatizing for the whole family.

I've spent the last week waiting on info from the Vet and Oncologist, etc. to put together the best plan of treatment.

Please proceed carefully when deciding on this treatment. This veterinary oncologist may be an outstanding doctor, but he or she is different from your own doctors in two significant ways:

[*]S/he is not bound by the same code of ethics as your doctor, and is less likely to caution you against unnecessary or inappropriate medical treatment.

[*]S/he does not bill through your medical insurer.

Consequently, you may find yourself spending thousands of dollars to keep your cat alive and even prolonging her suffering in the process.

I have so far put two cats to sleep. In both cases, I may have kept them alive longer than I should have. And, sadly, the veterinary hospital I took them to enabled this behavior in me. They were always eager to take heroic measures, even when the outlook for the cat was poor.

I drew the line on my first cat when they offered to do "exploratory" surgery for the sake of a diagnosis; it was more than likely she would die anyway. The second cat was Catherine's cat, and I really didn't her spirit to be broken while she was in cancer treatment. So I kept him going for well over a year on prednisone tablets and insulin injections. Near the end, a doctor at the vet's office (not the vet hospital) actually scolded me for keeping him alive while he was so thin and frail.

I realize that it's incredibly painful to let go of your cat, and that you consider her part of the family. But, please remember, you cannot expect this cat to live as long as you or your children, and that your children's welfare and future must take greater precedence.

And, again, I'm sorry that your cat is so ill after your children lost their father.

I know I should be the bigger person here and contact him - but I am so angry and disgusted by his behavior at this point that I am just moving on. I don't deserve this silent treatment and if he is going to flip out over what was virtually nothing, it is symptomatic of larger issues on his side. I was the last person to be in contact, the ball was in his court and I'm tired of usually being the one to smooth things over.... I have enough on my plate and just want to be happy. Since it is now day 7 and we have never gone this long without speaking, I have to assume it is over and at this point I don't even care why (even though I am admittedly upset about it). Sometimes we just don't get closure. I will take some time out to re-group and then potentially re-visit the dating scene at a later time. Thank you again for letting me vent here - it helps me to deal with this crap.

I'm sorry that this has happened, and I do remember that he did this before. After reading everything you've said, I agree that he's being a jerk. I'd like to believe that he's being ignorant, not "evil" or spiteful. So far, none of us have his side of the story.

I have enough on my plate and just want to be happy. Since it is now day 7 and we have never gone this long without speaking, I have to assume it is over and at this point I don't even care why (even though I am admittedly upset about it). Sometimes we just don't get closure. I will take some time out to re-group and then potentially re-visit the dating scene at a later time.

I agree that you are well within your rights to start looking elsewhere. Didn't you say this is a long-distance relationship? Perhaps you could find someone who's not quite so far away. If he doesn't want to lose you, he should make a greater effort to stay in touch. As it is, you're left to wonder why he's neglecting you: Does he lacks the guts to honestly break up with you, or is he simply too much of a dope to call you more often?

I hope you feel happier about all of this soon.

I'm sorry I missed you, MissingSquish. I hope you don't stay away for long.

I've been on 2 dates a month for the past 6 months, and all of them have been bad, in one way or another. I can't make any real connection with anyone I've tried to date. I feel like I exist on another planet different from the rest of the population.

2 dates each month for 6 months? I wish I could say the same for myself. My average for the past 6 months has been, frankly, too small to quantify.

Where did you meet these guys? Was it online? If so, I'm surprised you're not here telling us how many times you were stood up. I really prefer to meet women in real life.

I'm an introvert, and social interaction tends to require that I need a lot of down time by myself to recharge. I enjoy being alone most of the time, and doing things on my own.  However, it's gotten really old talking about my day with the dog.

I am also perhaps "too comfortable" being alone. But there is a way out of this. I have said at least once before on these boards, and I might even have addressed it to you: Look for clubs, classes and volunteer activities where you can have fun and make friends. The best outlets will let you make friends with both women and men. Keep trying until you find something that works.

However, it's gotten really old talking about my day with the dog.

Your dog wants to walk, not talk. Take her to public places where she can help you bump into new people. Are there clubs where people arrange "play dates" for their dogs?

Also, don't you own a motorcycle? Have you found any groups of people to ride with?

[*]I answered a call for help from my ex-boss this week, and made short work of fixing several computer problems.

[*]My current boss was told how helpful I was to do that.

[*]I took the afternoon off to go skiing.

I stayed home from work today because I was very hoarse and just wanted some rest.  After a couple hours, I got hungry and went to McDonalds.  When I pulled for the food, the guy at the window (had to be 17-19 years old) tells me I'm beautiful and insists on my phone number.

I love this story! Isn't it funny how often these things happen when you're not trying at all?

I'm sorry to hear this about your father-in-law. Your family doesn't need this kind of stress right now.

But sometimes NG says or does something, and I think, that's awesome, Dan would have never done that.

Is there some way you can return the favor to your boyfriend? That is, can you do something that simply makes him happy, just to let him know how happy he is making you? I belief he would feel very much encouraged if you did that. Under those circumstances, the two of you should be very happy together. And being that happy would leave you less time for feeling angry over your husband's reckless behavior.

Hi KC - I'm sorry to hear that you lost your husband in such a painful way.

I feel guilty every time I change something in the house because I think, what if Bob doesn't like it, or recognize the house, and therefore decides not to stay.  I express these thoughts to my family and friends, but it doesn't seem to help.

That sounds very familiar to me. There are many of us here who resist rearranging things that our spouses left behind. I have examples of that in just about every room of my home. It even extends to my wife's car, which I now drive every day.

Here in the United States, today was a holiday in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King.

[*]I took a long, scenic drive in the countryside.

[*]I met someone charming for lunch at an Irish pub.

[*]I bought all the spare parts I need for my snowblower.

It was a good day, indeed.

Maureen -

I'm sorry this happened at such a stressful time for you. I'm very glad that nobody got hurt.

I agree with this last paragraph and would like to add my own two cents:

Guys love women that take an interest in what interests us. You don't have to be a big sports fan - hell, I'm not. But you can learn enough to bluff your way through the initial meet and hopefully, it develops from there on it's own.

Women who are clever about this will show just enough interest to ask questions. I'm sure you will often meet a man who enjoys the opportunity to explain what he knows to you. You don't need to be an expert on any kind of "guy stuff", he'll be happy to know that your interested in the subject and interested in what he knows about it.

Have fun!

At one point I confronted my BIL about his actions hoping we could get past it, regain trust, and simply move forward. All that served was to make them angry at me ( mostly SIL, and BIL  pretty much went along) and they cut me off completely. They still contact my kids but ignore me. So, I am not sure how to handle this

You could call your your brother-in-law (bypassing his wife, if possible) and tell him there is a problem with his brother's grave. Ask him if he has noticed flowers disappearing from there. You have noticed that someone (though you have "no idea" who) has been stealing the flowers that you placed for your husband. This is very disrespectful to the memory of his brother (don't mention your own hurt feelings) and you have asked the cemetery's groundskeepers to be alert to this activity. After all, who knows if this is the only grave affected. Tell him that this activity is theft and desecration, so you might also need to get the police involved.

I wouldn't even mind if she added some  additonal flowers to the vase, but I am so upset that she would remove my  flowers.

I don't blame you. Whoever is doing this is a piece of shit (regardless of their reasons).  They wouldn't tolerate it from other people and they would be unlikely to do it if they knew someone else was watching.

What do I do? Just let it go?

No. Tell your brother that somebody's messing with his brother's grave and you've alerted the authorities. Get other family members involved. They should be just as angry.

Has this happend to anyone else??

Not to me, thankfully. My parents were frustrated with someone swiping flowers from my grandparents grave, which was hundreds of miles away from where they live.

Good luck in addressing this.

Just saw and loved this http://www.theonion.com/article/woman-feels-shes-finally-ready-start-receiving-uns-52143

I read this and it's hilarious! Then I started reading the other stories on that site and....

Beware! There's a sick joke of piece with the title How to Talk to Your Child About Death, which is only funny to those who have not yet experienced a tragic loss. Skip that one if you can.

Sorry for the off-topic digression.

My anniversary came 9 months after Catherine died. I took that day off from work. The first thing I did that day was to visit her grave, which was the first thing I did nearly every day during the my first year out. I believe I also left her flowers. I then had lunch with my mother-in-law, who was widowed in 2009. For dinner, I ordered the dish she often ate when I got take-out from a local restaurant. I wasn't super-busy that day, but I thought of her with everything I did.

I hope you find a way to enjoy your husband's memory on your anniversary.

Well we just had a text argument. I'm so tired of this...

I guess I didn't understand where he stood as well as I thought.

I hear you- this is so juvenile. I offered to get on the phone and was turned down....

...then the ball is in his court now. I know it's snowing in Massachusetts tonight, but - can you find something else to do for the rest of the evening? This is good time to be busy doing something you enjoy. I'm sorry that things got ugly like this.

|+|  M a r k  |+|

This past week I have been crazy busy plus he has done a few things recently to upset me (not making plans ahead of time, his drinking behavior, some insensitive comments/actions) so I kind of shut down this past week and was very aloof (not responding to all texts, even when he asked what was up - he could tell something was "off"). I finally fessed up after a few days via text that I was angry about a few things (and let them build up) plus I was overwhelmed by the amount of things I have on my plate now (work crazy busy, son with broken leg etc) and I apologized for my aloof behaviour.

You deserve credit for recognizing that the stress you experienced at work is affecting your mood and influencing the way you feel towards him.

On Friday, he suggested maybe we should speak via phone (I said maybe later in the weekend - with me, I need to sit on things a few days when I am angry which is why I didn't reach out earlier in the week), we exchanged a few texts earlier on Sunday (he sent the last one, sending me a pic of his new couch) and then...radio silence. He never called, and didn't text again.

I know this has been said already, but - you did say he wanted to phone you on Friday and that you didn't want to talk to him. You also said that he sent the last text message. Who cut off the communication here?

While you do mention that he said and did insensitive things, I don't get the impression that he was behaving angrily towards you. It sounds like you wanted him to leave you alone and he did that. I would expect him to be feeling frustrated and confused right now.

I care about this person very much but I also cant take this emotional rollercoaster, with everything else I have going on. I don't need advice about breaking up vs. not breaking up (that has to be my final decision) but maybe some of my fellow wids could help with ideas re: coping mechanism/helping me to cope as I go through a bad period (and maybe end) of my Chapter 2. I can feel myself getting distracted and upset but want to keep pressing forward with what I need to focus on right now - work and my son (rather than checking my phone endless times). Ugh - thanks for listening....

I have also had a series of bad moods lately where I feel angry over things that happened long ago with people I have nothing to do with any more. I attribute these moods to a lack of exercise and boredom. If I had more sense, I'd be at the gym right now. I am planning on some outdoor activity tomorrow night.

I hope things work out well for you and this guy. It sounds to me like he wants things to work out, too.

Wow.  You guys have given me lots of ideas and lots of things I hadn't considered.

You'll get even more ideas once you start the process in earnest. I urge you to ask around and find a monument dealer that you can trust. It takes time to get this right, because the work is literally "cast in stone". If you have special artwork in mind, that will add to the scope of your effort. It took over a month to get me, the monument dealer and the quarry to get the design finalized. It was at least another month before the quarry finished the stone.

Good luck with this!

Hi Wynne -

I think it's smart that you chose a double plot. That's what I did for my wife, Catherine. As for the headstone, I had the monument dealer design it so that she had her entry in the top half with the bottom half blank. He told me that the stone could be modified later for whomever, if anyone, is laid to rest beside her. I worked with my in-laws on this and said at the time "I expect this to be Catherine's stone for the next 30 years". They acknowledged that someone else, perhaps one of Catherine's siblings, might wind up sharing the plot.

Please don't feel guilty about this. Leave room for all the possibilities that might happen during the rest of this century. And make sure you work with a good monument dealer.

Hi Donna -

We have a thread with the title "Bump this thread if you're in chat". The next time you go into the chat room, post a message on that thread. That will "bump" the thread to the top of the General Discussion board so other people can see that someone is in the chat room.

I think we were all busy over the holidays, so that thread was pushed very far down the list.

I had just ordered his book last night and then saw this op-ed this morning.

...and I read the op-ed yesterday and saw his book reviewed this morning. I didn't read his book or its review myself.

I saw a blog post today with the title My Marriage Didn?t End When I Became a Widow:

When my husband died from cancer last March at age 37, I was so grief-stricken I could barely sleep. One afternoon, I visited his grave ? in a field high in the Santa Cruz Mountains, overlooking the Pacific Ocean ? and lay on top of it. I slept more soundly than I had in weeks. It wasn?t the vista that calmed my restless body; it was Paul, just there, under the earth. His body was so easy to conjure ? limbs that had linked with mine at night, soft hands that I had grasped during the birth of our daughter, eyes that had remained piercing even as cancer thinned his face ? and yet, impossible to hold. I lay on the grass instead, my cheek against the ground.

Many people here already know how important it was (and still is) for me to visit Catherine's grave often. I honestly believe that it helped me get through the early months when I avoided social contact. While I never took a nap there, I have occasionally read a book. A lot of what of I read in this blog post sounded very familiar to me.

This post comes from a NY Times blog called The End. It features end-of-life essays from a different author each week.

Stormy, you deserve much better than this guy. It hurts to be rejected, but count your blessings that he decided to screw up someone else's life instead of harrassing you for weeks or months.

I'm not even sure why this is bothering me, I guess it just seems like everyone is just moving on with life and I just can't. I had nowhere to go for Thanksgiving or Christmas, I was alone. Holidays are for families and I don't have one. I am so sick of this "life."

You're in good company here. There are plenty of us who log in on Saturday nights when we're home alone.

It might also help if you gave yourself some place to be other than home or work. Are there clubs you can join or places you can volunteer your time? The nice thing about volunteering is that you don't have to worry about feeling out of place - you're needed. Try a couple of places to find something that works for you.

In the meantime, you can hang out with us!

All three dates work for me!

Catherine and I both wanted to have children, but could not - her cancer stood in the way of that. She has two sets of nieces and nephews, both of which live far away. When they came to visit in the summer, Catherine would always take them to the beach on the north shore of Massachusetts. At Christmastime, Catherine made cards by hand and decorated cookies with her nieces and nephews. All of that ended, of course, in July 2014, when Catherine passed away.

On this Christmas, I was very pleasantly surprised by Catherine's niece, who is now 12 years old. When I met her family, she gave me a Christmas card that she made herself. She then offered me a cookie. It looked like one of those Pillsbury sugar cookies that you slice and bake (or eat raw ). She had decorated the cookie to look like a chubby little penguin.

I was stunned. I don't believe anyone else prodded her to do these things, because nobody else in her family would do that themselves. I looked at that cookie and told her that I wished Catherine could see this. She then asked me if I wanted another one. I told her that if she gave me another one, I would leave it on Catherine's grave. I asked Catherine's niece if she would do that instead, for it would have meant the world to Catherine.

I visited Catherine the next day and, sure enough, there was a penguin cookie. We had snow and freezing rain soon thereafter, so now the cookie is encased in ice.

Like many wids here, I found the "second Christmas" to be sadder than I expected. I must say that one cookie made me happier than any of the presents I received this year.

Torn -

Congratulations on getting this woman's phone number and chatting her up. I only wish I had that kind of luck in recent months.

I've obviously not dated or asked a lady out in more than 20 years & I'm unsure what is common for  men and women to do these days?

I've thought about this subject myself in recent months. Have you thought about asking her to meet you for lunch somewhere? That way, you could see her in the middle of the day, things wouldn't be too fancy and you can both leave separately after you eat.

People used to meet for drinks, but Americans are (rightfully) very cautious about drinking and driving now. A lot of people who date online will meet for the first time at a coffee house, which is even lower-key and less expensive than lunch or drinks. It sounds like you know this woman much better than someone you just met online, so I think lunch is a better option.

Obviously the movies comes to mind but is so cliche.

Movies are great if you have dinner first. Keep in mind that you can't talk to each other, or even look at each other, while the movie is playing.

Whatever you ask her, be ready to suggest a specific time and place. Also, I suggest that you pick a place whose location more convenient for her than you.

Good luck with this. I hope you both have fun.