Guaruj

Torn asked this question...

What does the term DV,stand for?

...regarding this post:

Torn, I work as a DV advocate and it does sound like he is grooming her already. It might be worth getting some pamplets on DV and control and leave them around. So many young women at that age do not know how abuse gets started and do think the jealousy is because they love them so much. If theres any way to make information available to her, it might help.

My understanding this that pms1954 used DV to mean "domestic violence". I hope you are able to prevent that from happening in your home. You may want to discuss this subject with her further.

Fern, it does sound like your brother-in-law is trying, even if you might feel like it's too little and too late. I agree with the others who advise you to move forward cautiously. I hope this brings improvement to your relationship with him and his family.

On Christmas Day I'm visiting my parents, who live nearby, with my brother, who also lives nearby. Some other time during the week, I'll visit with my in-laws. Catherine's two sisters both live out of town. One of them is bringing her family.

Plans got changed for me, spending the day with my Daughter, have to come up with a quick dinner menu, perhaps a prime rib.

Get thee to a butcher with haste. Good cuts of meat like those don't stay in supply for long at Christmastime.

I really can't cook but it sounds easy enough.

I have had very good experience with Cooks Illustrated, which is a cooking magazine that reads like a technical journal. This would be a good time to use their web site for a free trial, you can probably find a good prime rib recipe there.

If you do buy a prime rib or other expensive roast, I urge you to get an instant read thermometer to probe the internal temperature. They cost around $15 and can save you from over cooking your beef.

Hi Fern -

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this on top of losing your husband and dealing with your child's distress over that. I consider myself relatively fortunate in that I haven't run into any problems with my in-laws since my wife, Catherine, died 17 months ago.

His brother's family and I used to be close, and they have grown children, so I reached out to him first. I never heard from him. His wife let me know that it was too painful for him to see us.

 

[...]

 

DH's brother just sent an email as though nothing ever happened, giving us an update on his kid's college experiences and saying he is going to visit us in February. 

I have two questions:

[*]Was this message addressed specifically to you, or was this e-mail a "Christmas letter" to multiple friends and family members?

[*]Did your brother-in-law ask you whether he could visit in February, or did he simply presume you were available then?

I hope your brother-in-law is a better person than the impression I'm getting. You're busy caring for a small child on your own. This could very easily become an imposition on you.

What do I do? Do I try to bury this rock in my chest and accept whatever relationship he wants to have with his brother?s child? Or do I tell him how I feel and risk burning that bridge forever? I don?t trust them and have a worry that will they just abandon us again in the next crisis.

I believe you made the wise choice to think before you respond. It sounds like you aren't especially happy with the idea of seeing him. I hope you can find a resolution to this that makes you and your daughter happy. I wish I could say more than that right now.

I just noticed this thread. By now, your MRI has probably come and gone. I hope everything went well and you're able to relax now.

I wonder if a widow ever approached a divorced person and said " I know exactly how you feel. My husband is dead".

 

I doubt it.

I doubt it, too, and I would also object to someone insinuating that my widowhood is similar to their divorce. I believe the root cause of equating widowhood with divorce is that, at least among people under 70, divorce is presently more common than widowhood.

In earlier times, when life expectancy was shorter and divorce was scandalous, you may have seen more widows than divorcees - especially during and immediately after wartime. Is it possible that a widow might have commiserated with a divorcee by equating their circumstances? Maybe, though we should also remember that the stigma that was then attached to divorce might have prevented such an encounter.

Stigmatizing or not, I am certain that divorce is awful in ways I would never care to experience. I think that, in modern times, people may have an easier time comprehending the consequences of divorce than they do widowhood.

I live near Route 128 outside of Boston.

Let me start with my usual disclaimer: I don't have any children of my own. All I can offer is memories of my own teenage years.

Changing air filters, cleaning gutters, mowing, weed eating...anything mechanical the breaks in the house-he's on it and it's fixed. I don't even have to ask.

Seriously, he does all that? Most parents wouldn't trust a 13-year-old to do half that stuff. I didn't learn how to use a lawnmower until I was 14. I bet a lot of parents here would be thrilled to have a child who does those chores.

But household cleaning-laundry-forget it...his room is a mess and has never cleaned a kitchen.

Most of this is a matter of forming good habits. I actually like doing laundry myself, because machines perform the actual work. As far as cleaning the kitchen, the most I was asked to do was unload the dishwasher.

He still makes all As...but his motivation is gone. I guess it frustrates me as a Mom because his brother and sister don't have nearly his academic ability...And they study every night...read books, etc. They may all As but it's tough for them. But he just doesn't care...he would rather year apart a machine or something.

Has he taken any computer programming classes yet? Given his interest in machines, he might find it stimulating to write code. He sounds like he would have an aptitude for it. See if his school has any classes where he can learn Python or Java. (Of course, I'm recommending this because that's what I do for a living )

Torn -

I have very little experience to offer here. I agree with the others who say that, given your account of the facts, your daughter and son-in-law appear to taking advantage of you. I agree that, as two adults raising their own child, they should find a home of their own. I am concerned that this conflict you describe could escalate to the point of physically harming someone, particularly you or the baby. It probably would be best if daughter and son-in-law left made their own decision to leave.

The only advice I can offer is to understand that most states do not allow you to evict a legal occupant in one day, one week or even one month. In my state (Massachusetts), both the landlord and tenant must appear before a judge to get an eviction order. For that reason I suggest that you seek some legal advice on this problem (though I am not a lawyer myself). If that sounds expensive, start by searching the web for "free legal advice". You could also discreetly contact the police about this. While you're doing that, it would also help if you documented their abuses as they commit them. If you feel comfortable posting them here, then at least you have a date corresponding to each incident.

I am sorry that you must deal with this problem so soon after losing your wife. Good luck with this.

Uh...how do you know that? His last company car was black and he only had it for a month...but I have no idea what kind it was"

 

My kid "An impala...and the phone a Nokita N95. I don't know how I remember that but I do"

 

His Dad died in 2007...he was 4. I have no clue what kind of phone he had...but I bet my kid is right.

He sounds like someone with a photographic memory. He can clearly visualize his father's car and cell phone from his memories as a 4-year-old. He probably later saw these items pictured in a magazine or on a website and said to himself "Oh, that's Dad's car". If you have any family pictures containing the car or the cell phone, they probably reinforced your son's memory.

I also enjoyed Pigeon English by Stephen Kelman.  Very different.  It's about a Ghanain boy who moves to London to live on a council estate.

American readers may require some translation of the term council estate. It is one of those British expressions that, to us, evokes the opposite of what it truly means.

I've never cared for the however many stages of grief there are, but the new emotion that has taken the place of indescribable sadness is anger. At nothing and no one in particular.

I was easily pissed off about 2 months after Catherine died. I blew my stack at an incompetent boss at work. Around that time, multiple people informed me of some "adverse information" regarding this person, which infuriated me further. I had nights where I went to bed angry only to wake up angry again the next day.

I just don't want to be approached or bothered, because the amount of patient responses I can give feel very limited. Everything bothers me.

This was the primary reason that I avoided going out in public for the the first 5 months. During that time, I also refused to leave the house unless I was well-dressed. Doing that helped, because people are more polite to you when you dress well. It allowed me to relate to people in a brief and transactional manner.

I'm happy to report that I'm back to being civil with the incompetent boss, who nonetheless remains a fucking dipshit.

Hi MissingSquish -

I have missed you these past few weeks, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

Anyways this rant actually had a purpose. I went to my local Christmas tree place to get a wreath for Squish's grave. I added another wreath onto my order for my uncle's grave this year. I drove out, dropped off and placed the wreath on Squish's grave, and then went to my uncles cemetery. I walked up and down the rows until I finally found his site.

 

There was no wreath there. No decorations on his plot, save for a small, dead rosemary bush. I was happy that I had gotten a wreath for my uncle's plot, but angry that my family had not done anything yet for his gravesite for Christmas. My parents usually put their Christmas lights up on Black Friday every year, and I know they plan out everything.

I don't know what to say, except that I'm sorry that it's come to this for you and that I'm glad you did something to remember both Squish and your uncle. This is the time of year when all the flowers are either dead or removed from the cemetery, so it's nice of you to place a wreath on your uncle's grave.

This is a difficult time of year to be widowed. I hope you find some happiness in the rest of this year.

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I was watching the member count, too. It went past 700 in October. I wondered how long it would take to reach 800. In November, at least one person mentioned this site on reddit.com, and that seemed to open the floodgates. I'm glad that these new members found us.

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Her name was Catherine. Sometimes "Cath", but never "Cathy" (she hated that name). Her family called her "Giggi" when she was little because she giggled so much as a child.

Today would have been Catherine's 49th birthday. It is her second birthday since she passed away. I took the day off from work to remember her. I visited her grave, had lunch with her mother and went to the gym.

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I really do need to work on lists as I go, but I just fail at it. Maybe the app will help.

An even simpler solution is to use your phone's calendar to hold the list. If you plan to go to the store on Saturday morning, put an entry in your calendar, then put the shopping list in the Description field for that entry.

I used Evernote on both my desktop and my phone when Catherine and I were house hunting. I also use it for Christmas lists. I have used Microsoft OneNote at work for four years and it's helped me a lot.

I just detest having to do it alone. Typically Joe went or we went together. It was never my thing. Sigh.

I can sympathize with this. Catherine always paid the bills, and I barely have the patience to sort through the mail each day.

It may help to create a solution that is uniquely yours. Catherine always paid bills by U.S. Mail, but I can't stand handling paper. I finally started paying the bills online, and that process just works better for me.

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Alexswife -

I'm sorry that you lost your grandmother. I am glad that it gave you solace to be there when she passed.

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I want to be as prepared as possible to make this day the least unbearable it can be. But, from my experience with grief so far, I know there is just no anticipating the intensity and complexity of emotions.

 

Some options I'm considering:

1) Throwing a small get together and celebrating Wayne's life with stories and his favorite foods

2) Not doing anything and hiding out from the world

3) Going on vacation

4) Doing a memorial with some symbolic message release

5) Ignoring Wayne, and just focusing on me and trying to get through the day by doing fun activities

6)Taking sleeping pills and sleeping through the day (not really)

 

None of these options seem really great...

Actually, #1 sounds pretty good, as long as it doesn't demand too much work from you. How about going with some of his friends or family to a restaurant he liked, or at least one that serves food he liked? That's what I did with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law when the 1-year anniversary arrived. I insisted on ordering only the food that Catherine would have liked. After that, the three of us visited her grave.

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Hi -

I lost my wife to cancer in July 2014 - I believe that's about 4 months after you lost your husband. I haven't dated enough to tell you how to get past your resistance, but...

I am so afraid of having to go thru losing someone I care the world about and I find it easier to block that out. I know it's unhealthy but I just can't get out of my mind that if I finally find happiness that it will be taken away as well.

Consider the alternative: Would you be happier spending the rest of your life alone? No matter what, you're taking a risk when you fall in love with someone. You're risking losing someone you count on, whether it's by death, betrayal or other circumstances. Most people believe that the reward is well worth the risk.

I suggest you take things slowly with this guy and try to enjoy his friendship as it evolves. He's been patient with you so far, which speaks well of him. I wouldn't expect opportunities like this to come along every day.

He is a great guy and ...

I hope you'll find a way to let him know that, and soon.  Have fun with this!

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I may be able to make this on Sunday 1/3. It would help if I knew what time of day we had in mind, as I expect a 2-hour drive each way.

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Monday will be three months for me.  When I am out working at one of my jobs, I am usually ok, when I am home, or even on my way home, I become paralyzed.  I aimlessly walk the aisles of the grocery store in a fog, At home, I just sit.  I think of all that I could be doing or should be doing but don't do it.  I listen to songs that make me think of him and make me cry, over and over.  I am having a harder time now than I thought I would.  Thanksgiving, then our anniversary in a couple weeks, Christmas and then his birthday....it's all too much.

What made the biggest difference for me during my first year of widowhood was an established routine. I started getting up earlier than before (5:00 AM). I would get dressed, eat breakfast and visit Catherine's grave. That way, I would do something to remember her before speaking to another person. That meant a lot to me.

I would get to work around 7:00 AM. I kept my errands short after work. I ate dinner while watching the news, then I'd watch some trashy TV shows before going to bed early. This kept me from drinking too much liquor or doing other regrettable things.

It sounds like you have a lot of things happening in the next month or two. Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

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I am thankful that I can enjoy Thanksgiving with my family and in-laws. It's my favorite holiday, but I am aware of the fact that other people can't enjoy it as much as I do. I am thankful that my family comes to my house on Thanksgiving and brings only food and good cheer. They don't bring drunken behavior, bickering over politics or other unwelcome drama. I am sorry for those readers here who must put up with that kind of nonsense on Thanksgiving Day.

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It's no fun being a single adult during these family holidays. It's even worse when you're single because you're widowed.

I still enjoy Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday. I'm taking a break right now from housecleaning because my parents, brother, MIL and SIL will be here on Thursday. My parents will be the only married couple at the table. I'll roast the turkey over charcoal and make my grandfather's whiskey sour recipe.

I like Christmas, too, but I really can't stand all the hype that precedes it. I especially hate the fact that retailers desperately try to commercialize Thanksgiving by turning into a "Black Friday" shopping weekend. This Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, I will respectfully observe the proper American tradition of staying home, eating leftovers and watching football.

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Hello, and thank you so much for taking this seriously and responding. Just so I understand, you're saying that there are brides on Ellis Island which connect Ellis Island to Brooklyn/NJ, or these bridges are connected to Staten Island?

Actually, I was thick-headed when I wrote that sentence. I just now edited it to say that those bridges go to Staten Island. Ellis Island is comparatively tiny.

You can see all of this by searching Google Maps for "Staten Island NY".

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Doesn't anyone, especially from New York City find it super strange that there are four bridges to Staten Island?

I'm from Boston myself, but I visited NYC, including Staten Island, back in August. Many people ride the Staten Island Ferry from Manhattan, and that ride is about 5 miles or so. The ferry is free to ride, and that allows people from Staten Island (which is a borough of NYC) to commute to Manhattan without blowing their wages on transportation. Many other people in New York ride the ferry for a cheap day trip with pleasant views on the water.

The bridges on Staten Island connect it to Brooklyn and New Jersey, but it's easy for people who don't drive in those places to assume that the ferry is the only way on and off the island.

Does anyone find it strange that the Statue of Liberty is located on Liberty Island? I can't help but wonder if there aren't a lot of people in New York who would swear up and down that there were no bridges to Staten Island, let alone four, and that the Statue of Liberty, according to my memory was located at Ellis Island.

The Staten Island Ferry passes by both the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. Both of these sites were extensively renovated by a well-publicized philanthropic project in the mid-1980's. Many Americans associate both sites with waves of immigrants who arrived by boat in the early 20th century: Those immigrants passed by the Statue of Liberty, which symbolized the promise of the United States, on their way to Ellis Island, where they went through the much-less-romantic process of passing through our immigration system. I can see how one might conclude that the statue and the immigration center are adjacent.

My grandmother immigrated through Ellis Island and absolutely hated every minute of it. Tourists visit their now, but she always told me that it was disgusting place back in the 1920's.

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