Guaruj

Fuchsia -

I'm very sorry this happened to your husband. It sounds like you and your family have a busy week ahead of you. Please let us know how you're doing when you have a chance.

And please take care of yourself.

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I had a great time last night. I'm so glad we finally did this. Let's be sure to meet again next month!

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I am trying to figure out if she's just a crazy-busy professional barely stuffing all her tasks into 24 hours or if this is a filter to get rid of guys who are easily discouraged.

You are overly generous to describe her as "professional". She writes like an idiot. In those four lines you copied from her, the only punctuation I saw was the apostrophe in "Can't".

I suppose one explanation was that she was using a smartphone to chat with you. In any case, one has to wonder how seriously she takes all of this.

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Today my son and I drove to the college and after his classes he was going to take the car home. My friend was going to pick me up and we were going to this workshop together on "The Flow of Happiness".  Just received a text saying she isn't up to it.  Isn't that nice.  She knows I am stuck here without a ride home.  I would never to this to someone.  When I give my word on something I do it. 

I'm sorry you were let down so badly like this. Like you, I don't think there's any excuse for treating someone like that.

Is it me?  Is she getting back at me?

Without knowing both of you in real life, who can tell? I will say that tolerating this treatment from someone will only encourage them to do it again.

All of her former friends have left her and I sure would hate to do that on her but I am certainly not feeling the "Flow of Happiness". 

One has to wonder how much she values your friendship if you leaves you stranded the way she did. You don't have to write her off completely as a friend; you could just conclude that this friendship isn't working right now. You deserve to have friends you can rely on. If you make some new ones, maybe she'll wise up.

Good luck with your busy job.

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Wife of Tomasz -

I am so sorry this happened to you. I agree with the others who say that you shouldn't make all those phone calls yourself. Call only your closest friends and relatives, and ask them to tell the others. You could also consider sending one bulk E-mail message to those who might not get called via your network of friends.

You have too much to do right now to be calling other people up about this. Once you tell someone what happened, you'll be on the phone for at least another 20 or 30 minutes. How many times a day can you repeat that?

Hang in there -

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Maureen -

I have been thinking of you as it has been awhile since your last scans. I'm sorry that I was away from boards, but I am really glad that the news was good. I hope you went out and celebrated.

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I'm in. I can be there on October 17.

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Wow - That's great! I hope you enjoy this new job!

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I had cause to realize today how differently I am coping with my husband's illness than others in the family.  I think it's because I am with him full time.  I don't react emotionally to a lot of his symptoms or his moments of pain.  I deal with what I need to for him and keep going. If I break it's later.  I am also able to keep doing mundane sort of normal/happy things while he is obviously not well.  I kind of compartmentalize and stay in the moment as best I can. 

What you're doing is perfectly normal. You're keeping your family going while caring for your husband. If you're at all like me, you're also keeping your spirits up to avoid bringing his down. I always saw this as a matter of loyalty.

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I am glad that you enjoyed walking your dog again. I'm sure the dog enjoyed it, too.

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I'm so tired of being responsible for everyone around me. I can't even take care of myself and my kids. My garage is filled with boxes that I still need to go through and organize, so I can't even park my car in it. I still haven't dealt with most of the estate issues and I have yet to hang a single thing on my walls. I haven't even hooked up my stereo (and this is a big deal as I am an obsessive audiophile). It takes an act of Congress to even motivate me to go grocery shopping.

I hope you put a priority on getting the stereo up and running. Once you do that, you put on some music to listen to while you unpack those boxes.

I need to hook up my own stereo. I didn't do it after we moved because I knew it would conflict with the furniture arrangement Catherine wanted. It's my house now, and it needs a stereo system.

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Most people would be in a poor mood after six straight days of rain. I can understand how the one thing that troubles you the most would put itself front and center. Here in Boston, the weather I dislike most is those springs where it's either raining or cold and overcast. You can go for more than a week without seeing any sunshine. I'd rather have snow on the ground than all that rain. Fortunately, we haven't had a spring like that in recent years.

This past winter, I really missed Catherine when the first blizzard (of several) came. I actually enjoy staying at home during snowstorms, but that was the first time that she wasn't riding out the storm with me.

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There is a pipe in the basement that was leaking that mysteriously fixed itself shortly after Rick died.  At one point, several years later, it started leaking again and then stopped.  Another pipe, under the powder room sink, has been leaking for several years.  I just keep a Tupperware container under there to catch the water and dump it regularly.  That leak is suddenly gone.

 

[...]

 

It makes me smile to think it's Rick fixing it all.  Now if only he could find a way to take care of the yard work and painting that needs done. 

I hate to be a wet blanket, but I'd hate even worse to see you saddled with thousands of dollars in water damage and mold. You need to get a live, flesh-and-blood plumber to inspect and repair your pipes. Please don't wait for those leaks to come back bigger than ever.

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Hi Cherry - I'm sorry that all of this happened to you.Hi Cherry - I'm sorry that all of this happened to you.

.......it was supposed to stay a joke....but he left us, left me.

So I contacted the best tattooist I knew and did it.

You are in good company on this board.  Here's a thread with pictures of other members' Memorial Ink.

I have often considered getting a tattoo on my ring finger in place of my wedding band, which I took off my finger this past July 5th. That was one year and one day after my wife, Catherine, died of cancer. I'm still trying to convince myself that this is a good idea. I miss wearing that ring. I consider myself a widower, not a bachelor.

2. The tattoo truly helped me. In grieving there is a time when you start to heel and it is scary as hell ! I did not want to feel better, I felt guilty : was I forgetting him ? Loving him less and less ? Every time I have a panic attack I pull down my jeans

That tattoo is quite a work of art. It looks like it took hours of work and the physical pain that goes with it. I'm impressed with your dedication.

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Skated 24 miles today with old friends. Stopped by Catherine's grave on the way home. Grilled a steak and made french fries, and also drank a fair amount. I could go to bed any time now.

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Any of the above mentioned weekends work for me, at least for now.  I can drive to Brattleboro or Portsmouth.

Was anyone planning to come from Maine? Brattleboro would be a significantly farther than Portsmouth for them.

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What's up with this dream? I get a handsome, young man interested in me and I push him away. Even Derek Jeter can't compete with my husband I guess. Sorry, Derek.

This dream suggests that, subconsciously, you are a Boston Red Sox fan.

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Congratulations! I could see all along how stressful this was for you.

Right after the news you would think I would be over the top with happiness but I was just so mentally exhausted I felt nothing till my drive home.  Then I was totally over whelmed.  I went back to school so my family could have a better life that my husband could stop driving truck and get back into sales something he loved.  But guess that isn't going to happen.  I got my dream and he didn't.  I cried all the way home. 

 

I slept for 11 hours and still feel a little tired. Hoping the coffee starts to do its job.  I got my dream job I did it because of my husband.  He worked so hard for me to go back to school we sacrificed so much.  Dammit I need more coffee and I need to stop crying and just be happy.  I have wanted this for so long.

I don't blame you for feeling exhausted. It is disgraceful to subject an employee to such a charade for the sake of keeping her current job. It's even more offensive when one considers that you lost your husband recently.

So, again - congratulations! I hope you don't experience this level of BS again for a long time.

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I'm really sorry to hear this news...

Seems she went to the ER mid August. They found a mass on her pancreas. They haven't figured out what it is yet. However my Dh, her son died of pancreatic cancer so the probability is high.

My father-in-law was not feeling well in 2009, and he didn't know why. He saw several doctors that year and was finally diagnosed with pancreatic cancer after several weeks of tests. One doctor told him he would have 6 months to live. He actually had less than 6 weeks.

Pancreatic cancer is a terrible disease. Most patients are diagnosed long after it's too late to treat it. You may not be close to your mother-in-law, but you would do her family a favor if you made the effort to notify them ASAP.

I hope that things turn out much better for her than they did for my father-in-law.s

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I believe you have been grieving longer than I have... by one day. My wife, Catherine, died of a rare cancer on July 4, 2014. Our situation may have been different from yours in that she was initially diagnosed with sarcoma 8 years before that. Like you and your husband, Catherine and I did not have children, either.

I'm doing what I can to stay engaged, to exercise, eat right, etc.  But I just can't seem to catch a break on anything and I'm really running out of enthusiasm.

It sounds like you're doing the right things. Have you done any traveling lately? Many people here find that helpful. I did some of that myself this summer, and I have an American Excess card balance to show for it.

So that people don't worry unnecessarily, I do see a mental health professional (next appointment in ten days) and as great as she is, she is still a DGI.

I don't know what you mean by "DGI". I looked that up on Wikipedia and actually found some funny results, but I suspect you're not in the mood for jokes about this right now.

I don't have any tips for you yet, other than to try new things. Winter is coming to Minnesota. Do you have any plans to enjoy it? Here in Massachusetts, I just bought a ski pass to a mountain where I can ski at night after work. I found out that a friend of mine will be going there too. For those reasons, I now have a reason to want a snowy winter this year.

I hope you find ways to enjoy yourself in the coming months.

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JeanGenie, I haven't yet watched the evening news, so thank you for this advance warning.

Is it just me, but this morning as the news is covering the 14th anniv of 9-11, I'm just feeling ill.  It's just stirring up all kinds of emotions...

9/11 already got to me one month early.

I visited NYC in early August, and I happened to be staying downtown at a hotel adjacent to the 9/11 memorial. I had never been in that part of the city before. So I took a stroll past the reflecting pools, which are two giant holes in the ground where the twin towers once stood. The railings surrounding each pool bear the names of the thousands who were killed there that day.

What upset me was the occasional bouquet of flowers placed next to some of those names. They were presumably left there to commemorate birthdays, anniversaries or other special dates. That made me want to cry in middle of that crowded public place, because I buy a lot of flowers for the same reasons. I was so glad that all those tourists had the collective sense to leave those flowers alone.

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Quixote, I don't know how I missed this post yesterday, but I did:

Seriously have no idea how to ask anyone out.  It feels kind of stilted.  I prefer agonizing over someone for a year or so, while she secretly does the same, then having a natural disaster toss us into each other's laps whereupon we declare undying love for each other.

I also did this far too many times. I believe your use of absurd metaphor acknowledges that one gets nowhere this way. I admired so many women from afar, but none of them became actual girlfriends to me. So don't waste too much of your life doing that. If you find yourself liking a woman, let her know that by asking her out. That's the only way to learn whether she deserves all that admiration.

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Gauruja, in my opinion not chauvinistic at all.

Thank you saying so. I did my best to be concise when I wrote that last night, but then I spent today wondering if my comments were so intense as to seem harsh. I'm not encouraging other men to be hard-nosed about asking a woman out. Because her response can either be "yes" or "no", it's important to be prepared for disappointment without being crushed by it.

It doesn't happen often, but some people can be jerks when you try perhaps a little too hard to be nice to them. That's why it's important to ask her out before you become too infatuated.

I couldn't imagine asking a man out and I feel for you men having to do that.

It actually isn't that bad once you realize that women (usually) like it when men they like ask them out in a nice way. For me, most of the anxiety comes with that first step - asking her (in person) for her phone number. I'm sure it's hard for women to nicely turn down a decent guy who she's not interested in.

I'll never say never that I wouldn't do it but never have, I'm way to shy.

I don't recall any women who tried set up a true first date with me. I guess I would be flattered if someone did, but I'd still want to pay for dinner! That's just the way I am.

I can remember one or two who befriended me and might have hoped I would take the next step. As Quixote pointed out, it's so much easier in college for two people to transition from casual socializing to dating in the same day.

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I haven't started dating yet myself since Catherine died. Also, I have never done any online dating. I do have some experience dating as an adult in my late 30's and early 40's, though. I assume you're not looking to simply get laid; I'm not the person to ask about that.

The closest I got was dinner with a friend a few months back.  She even thanked me and gave me a hug afterwards, then texted me in the evening.  Maybe that was a date.  Not sure, but honestly didn't feel the "spark" so never pursued it.

Sounds like a good time to me, and that she likes you.

Would you consider taking her out to dinner again?

If not, would you consider introducing her to me?

So I'm trying to figure out if my lack of a romantic life is due to me still grieving (and I do, very much so), or just a complete cluelessness about how to go about asking someone out.

What I don't hear you mention is any women that you actually feel attracted to. Can't you think of any right now? Maybe you should work on meeting some women that you like.

Try making new friends - both men and women - in real life. Join some clubs and try some volunteer activities until you find one or two places where you feel you belong. When you're happy and busy, it's much easier to meet someone who's interested in you.

If you find yourself interested in someone, I suggest that you do not procrastinate on asking her out. If you become baselessly infatuated with her, then you're more likely to seem too eager or needy around her. Instead, I suggest you find an private moment to directly ask her if you could call her sometime (this can be the most nerve-wracking part). If she says "yes", get her number, but don't call her until you have a specific plan - where, when and what - for a first date. Of course, you still need to be flexible about this, so it's good to have alternatives, too. If she turns you down, make sure you have someone else in mind to ask out instead.

Of course, this advice assumes that you, as a man, are expected to take the initiatives and greater risks in dating. It took me a very long time to realize that, despite claims of changing times, most women still prefer men to play that role. There may be some who describe this attitude as old-fashioned, chauvinistic or some other kind of pejorative. If you get such unforgiving feedback you get for your thoughtful efforts, find someone else to ask out - she's not worth the trouble.

Again, this is the best advice I have for dating women in real life. Online dating is an alternate universe that I have yet to boldly go.

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So a dear friend of DH visited yesterday and mentioned as he left he'd like to take me to dinner. It's  been over 2 yrs for me since .....

If you haven't eaten dinner in the past two years, then I don't think you should wait for anyone else.

Seriously, though: He's asking you to have dinner with him. Is there something about him that makes you believe he wants much more than that right now? If the answer is "yes", then you may be happier by taking a slow and steady pace with him, since he was your husband's friend first.

If you like and trust this guy, then I hope you will go out with him just to have some fun.

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